Flashbacks: Filling in the Memory Blanks July 10, 2009

On my blog entry entitled Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID): Recognizing That Parts Were Always There, a reader posted the following comment:

You indicated that your memory of S closing and then opening the drapes is your host personality’s memory, I understand that. What I’m wondering is; did you eventually discover the memories of what she did to you? or have you had to draw certain conclusions based on flashbacks etc. Or did an alter part actually reveal things to you? What I’m finding is that the memories do not all tie together neatly, and I’m not even sure who did what although I have concluded that certain things were done to me. ~ Barbi

All of my memories do not fully tie in together neatly, either. My therapist told me that I will likely never remember everything. I just need to remember enough so that I can heal from the past.

I have only tried to share my story in a linear fashion once, and that has been quite a challenge. I did not recover my memories in order, and I dealt with them as they arose by talking about them with my therapist, an off-line friend, and my friends over at isurvive. Since then, I have become close friends with an off-line friend, and I want her to know my story so she will understand me. It was very hard trying to provide her with a linear storyline because I do not remember everything in order.

I have filled in the missing pieces in a number of ways. I recovered most of the big pieces through experiencing flashbacks. Sometimes I can tell where they fit in because some come with the memory of how old I was at the time. Other times, I can tell by information such as hair styles or location where the memory fits into the bigger picture.

Some memories I have pieced together based upon my reactions through triggers. For example, I have not yet recovered memories of being injected during the abuse. However, I experienced migraines with each allergy shot in my day-to-day life and saw a headache specialist to figure out why. After exhausting medical explanations (and baffling the doctor), I began calming myself before each shot and managed to stop the migraines by working through the triggers. This tells me that receiving shots was part of my abuse, even though I have not yet recovered the memory of receiving them.

As for getting information from alter parts … For me, that is pretty much the same as having flashbacks. Early on, an alter part might tell me that something was coming. However, once I invited the memory, I would have the flashback, and that part of myself (the alter part) would integrate into my core.

One other way I would recover memories was through dreams, which were really flashbacks. I would have recurring nightmares that stopped once I recovered the flashback/memory and healed that pain.

In many ways, recovering your history is like working on a jigsaw puzzle. I have to stay open to accepting my history and love myself, regardless of what memories arise. I also have to accept that, no matter what memories surface, I am still me, and I am still okay.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID): Opening up Internal Communication July 9, 2009

On my blog entry entitled Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and “Hearing Voices”, a reader posted the following comment:

I am having some fast breakthrough thanks to this topic on hearing voices or “not your own” thoughts.” I recently sat down and compiled a list of what I call voices because I believe it gives whatever voice(s) a bit of individuality and recognition vs. just a thought.

I believe I couldn’t have done this on my own without the help of the “voices” on the inside. Also, my new book that Faith suggested, the above article and Blog.

The voice list to my absolute amazement (actually I was blown away!) consisted of 13 voices!! Whew.. now I really feel like a nut case! I am now for the first time am asking question to those on the inside and am actually getting answers. Some okay, some not so okay. From my reading on DD it is important to let them all express themselves and know that they were created to protect you.

Just this morning I asked inside what would be a good name for this chattering bunch. I or they not sure, came up with Comrades. That would be our ultimate goal is to find a sense of togetherness, acceptance and friendship. I don’t know it is possible especially with the angry ones but it could be possible?

If your there reading and if any of this makes sense to you or can relate I would love to hear from you. ~ Kim and The Commrades

I am so incredibly excited for Kim & the Comrades. This is a HUGE leap in healing!

What you are experiencing is co-consciousness. All of these parts have always been there, but they have hidden themselves from you (as the host personality). You have reached a place of healing (including moving toward self-love and acceptance) that has made you ready to have open communication among your parts.

Remember that they are all you. Even the angry part is you. That part is going to become your greatest ally in healing. Once you embrace this part and encourage him or her to direct the anger outward (toward the abuse and abusers), this part will share the amazing strength of the anger, which will help you push past the immobility of depression when that hits.

I love the term comrades, which dictionary.com defines as “companion, associate, or friend.” Your parts are becoming friends, which is an important step toward becoming one.

I am so excited to hear about your progress. You might feel “crazy” right now, but you are actually well on your way to be healed and unified as one spirit. Congratulations!

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

Other Forms of Free Association Writing July 8, 2009

I have been sharing some methods of free association writing that worked for me to access my subconscious mind. These are not the only ways that I have read about – only the ways that were most successful for me.

One of the most common forms of free association writing I have heard of involves trying to write with your non-dominant hand (writing with your left hand if you are right-handed and vice versa). The idea is that you are accessing a different part of your brain by writing with your non-dominant hand.

If you want to try this method, place a pen or pencil into your non-dominant hand. Then, simply begin writing. Just write whatever comes to mind, even if it is, “I am feeling really foolish doing this.” Try to relax your mind and allow your hand to take over the writing. Many people report having lots of success access their subconscious minds in this manner. Let go of your need for good penmanship, and see this as a tool for accessing parts of your mind that have thus far remained hidden from you.

Another method I have heard of is for you artistic folks. You can do the same thing with drawing or painting. Using either hand, begin drawing or painting, and try to remove all conscious thought from your strokes. Allow your hand to do whatever it feels like it needs to do. This can give your subconscious mind an outlet for expressing whatever needs to come out.

I got another method from one of Dr. Phil’s books (can’t remember which one). He said to write down every thought you have for a couple of days to get an idea about the internal dialogue going on in your head. That was quite enlightening as well. I did not appreciate how frequently I told myself that I was “stupid” until doing this exercise.

I am sure there are other methods as well. Find the one that works best for you. Don’t just look at the results, but learn from them. As you change what you are thinking subconsciously, you can change your life.

Photo credit: Faith Allen

Free Association Writing: Letters You Don’t Plan to Send July 7, 2009

In my last couple of posts, I have shared my own experience with free association writing. That was the most powerful way that I found to access my subconscious mind. However, it was not the only way.

Another way that worked for me was writing a letter, using pen and paper, that I never planned to send. This was when I was trying to learn how to access my anger toward my mother/abuser. I decided to sit down at the table and write her an unfiltered letter that I would never send. The purpose was to help me access my anger, so there was no reason to involve another person in the process.

I began the letter along the lines of, “You stupid b@#$%,” and it went from there. At first, my own conscious thoughts were going down on paper. However, once my anger realized that it finally had a voice, it took over. What happened next was incredibly healing but also kind of freaky because I did not understand what was going on.

My rage started tumbling out of me, and my pen could not keep up. However, this did not even matter. All of the words that I needed to say were flooding my mind and exploding out of me, even though my pen could not keep up.

As the intensity escalated, I stopped even trying to form words on the page. Instead, my pen kept coming into contact with the paper, but it was no longer forming words. To quote my kid, it looked like “scribble scrabble.” I filled up seven pages of papers with nothing but a bunch of wavy lines that were imprinted deeply on the paper through my rage.

My head and body shook as I filled page after page with no words at all. However, as I did this, the words that I needed to express were tumbling out of my head. I could “hear” the “loud thoughts” expressing all of the rage that I had held back for decades. Even though there was no record what I was thinking on the pages of scribbling, my rage had somewhere to go, and the process was incredibly healing and empowering.

Afterward, I was emotionally spent, and I felt a little foolish throwing away seven pages of “scribble scrabble.” However, I felt much better than I had in a long time. I felt empowered by the release of all of the pent up rage.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

Explaining My Free Association Writing July 6, 2009

On my last blog entry, Techniques for Accessing the Subconscious Mind: Free Association Writing, I shared a sample of my free association writing from 2005. I sat in front the computer, let go of all conscious thought, and allowed my fingers to fly over the keyboard in whatever way they chose. I posted the result of that free association session.

Now, I will explain the memory as I remember it (after recovering the memory through flashbacks) as well as my sister’s recollection of the same event. I am referring to my sister as LS for “little sister.”

Our mother started sexually abusing us when we were toddlers, but our father never did. He was inappropriate at times (such as giving my mother a back rub topless while the four of us watched TV), but he never touched us. He later walked in my mother sexually abusing me, and he made her stop. Even though he never got me therapy or talked with me about it, I saw him as the one adult in my life who was “safe.”

That changed the night of the free association memory. My sister and I were in our usual places around the bonfire for a cult ritual when my father was brought in as a “newcomer.” He was in a white robe and blindfolded. They walked my father over to me to give him a hand job. They then walked my father over to my sister to rape her. They took pictures of my father raping his own daughter. (I am fuzzy on how old she was – probably about four or five.)

My father had grown a beard around this time, which was unusual. The next morning, my sister was petrified of my father (for obvious reasons) and did not want to be around him. It took our mother months to get her to stop being frightened of him, and it helped after he shaved his beard. To this day, my sister is repulsed by people with facial hair.

My parents used to drink a lot. After that event, both parents gave up alcohol forever. I never once saw my father drink after that night. I suspect that my abusers put drugs in his alcohol and that he was bombed out of his mind that night. I also suspect he thought it was some sort of kinky sex orgy and never suspected that it involved children.

Both my sister and I remember the cameras, which you can see in the free association writing. My sister suspects that the cult used the pictures of my father raping his daughter to buy his silence, and that is how they had access to us for six years. The cult abuse only ended after we moved 30 miles away. I always thought it was odd that my father chose a 30+ mile commute to work one way just so we could live in out in a rural area.

My sister and I both remember the box in the free association writing. The cult abusers gave use this huge wooden box (large enough to fit both of us in it) with a latch on it. My parents thought it would make a great toy box, but my sister and I were terrified of it. I just “know” that we were locked in that box (and that is clear from the free association writing), but I have yet to recover the specific memory. It clearly ties into that awful night somehow.

Photo credit: Rosanne Mooney

Techniques for Accessing the Subconscious Mind: Free Association Writing July 3, 2009

On my blog entry entitled Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID): Recognizing That Parts Were Always There, a reader posted the following comment:

Faith, You said, “I used some techniques to access my subconscious mind”. Is that something you could elaborate on? ~ blueorchid

I have heard of different ways to access the subconscious mind. Some methods work better than others depending upon your own personality and history.

The tactic I was referring to in that blog entry involved free association writing. I type very quickly (over 90 WPM), and my handwriting is terrible, so I prefer to do free association writing at the computer rather than with a pen and paper. I closed my eyes and just started typing. I would let go of any conscious thought and allow my fingers just to type whatever they wanted to type.

This is an example of some of my free association writing from 2005. It is very long, so I will continue the topic again on Monday. I am including the whole thing because I think it helps you to understand free association writing a little better. I later recovered the full memory and talked it through with my sister (I used LS in the dialogue for “little sister” — I wrote the original spelling of her real name in the free association writing. She has since changed the spelling of her name.)

****** Graphic trigger warning – sexual and ritual abuse – profanity triggers ******

Box. Thrice. Box. Thrice.

Box. Children in a box. Box locked up. Children suffocating. Children die. Children. Box. Box. Box.

Thrice. Thrice. Three times. Three times three Daddy. Three times three.

Daddy. Why? Daddy why? Daddy too? Daddy too? Not daddy too. Not daddy too.

Not daddy no. No fuck LS. No fuck her. No daddy stop. No daddy stop. LS. Stop Stop LS LS LS LS LS LS

No no no no no

Daddy stop daddy stop daddy stop

No daddy no fuck no fuck not LS

Daddy in a box in a box

Box dark cold scared

LS tied to chair to chair tied blind blind daddy blind blind daddy blind daddy fuck no daddy fuck no no no no no no

Daddy no fuck LS no fuck LS no fuck no fuck no no no no

Daddy come bonfire bonfire pictures photos bonfire pictures photos daddy daddy daddy

No daddy no daddy no daddy no daddy no daddy

Fire high hot high hot like sun hot big fire big fire big fire

Daddy in robe white robe daddy in robe in robe why here? Why here? Why daddy in robe? Why hurt me? Why hurt me? Why come over here to me no want to touch his thing not want to not want to don’t make me no no no no no

Not touch not touch not hard not touch not touch not touch not touch

Touch gross sick bile vomit not want no going over to LS going there no don’t go there no daddy look daddy look look look why not look why not look

Not stick out penis not do that not to LS no not to LS no not to LS no no no no no no no no no no no no no

Stop daddy stop daddy stop stop stop stop stop stop stop

Why daddy why he do this to us why daddy why be here why at fire why at bonfire why here why here?

Bright bright like day bright light see all see all see fire see people see lawn chairs see people see robes see men and women see people see daddy see box

Fit in box children fit in box both fit in both latch lock latch lock locked in suffocating hot no air no air hot musty scared locked in box locked in box locked can’t get out with LS

Locked inside hurt scared want to die want to get away want to die die die die die die die die

Not daddy too not daddy too not daddy too not daddy too

Not him too no no no no no no no no no

Not betrayal not from him not all not all not all all all all all grown ups all bad all bad all mean all bad all bad

Hate grownups hate all hate people hate life want to die die die die die die die

Kill me kill kill kill die die die die bang head bang head bang head stop stop stop stop stop want to die die die die die

Kill me die die die die die

Hate box hate daddy hate box hate bonfire hate hate hate hate hate

Hurt LS why hurt LS why why why why why

Why hurt LS why hurt in box why

Bonfire box thrice thrice thrice thrice three three three three three three three

Why three why three why three

Three times he did me. Three times he did me three times he did me three times he did me three times he did me three times he did me three times he did me three times he did me three times he did me three three three three three

Hate hate him hate him hate him for all didn’t stop didn’t stop didn’t stop hates me hate him hate him hate him didn’t stop hurt me didn’t stop hurt me hurt LS hurt me didn’t stop didn’t stop hurt me hurt him hurt hurt hurt

Want to die want die

Beard hate beard wore beard hate beard hate beard beard to disguise in case caught beard to disguise to hide to hide hurt hurt me didn’t know hurt me

Eyes covered eyes hide photos proof photos proof

Hurt me hurt me hurt me hurt me hurt me

Hurt hurt hurt hurt hate hate hate hate hate hate bang head bang head bang head want to die die die die die die

Kill die kill die die kill die die die die die

Why why why

Photo credit: Rosanne Mooney

Enemas, Tubes, and Object Insertion as Part of Child Abuse July 2, 2009

A reader contacted me about a form of child abuse that I have not directly addressed on my blog (although I have mentioned it in passing a couple of times). This type of child abuse involved unnecessary enemas, tubes, and object insertion as part of the abuse.

This form of abuse is covered in the movie Sybil. Sybil’s mother would give her an unnecessary enema. She would then tie her up by the piano, play the piano, and threaten Sybil if she wet her pants. Of course, Sybil’s bladder would give out, which would set off the next round of abuse. I know a man who suffered similar abuse by his female babysitter. She would give him unnecessary enemas and then take him out in public without allowing him to use a bathroom. Of course, he would wet himself and be humiliated.

I joined a message board called Making Daughters Safe Again, which is specifically for survivors of mother-daughter sexual abuse. I was blown away by how many mothers gave their daughters unnecessary enemas! I even questioned whether there was something weird about my own mother-daughter sexual abuse experience because she didn’t give me unnecessary enemas. That is how common this form of abuse was in that circle of child abuse survivors.

Tubes are used to force a child to ingest a harmful (or simply gross) substance. It is the same idea as the enema, only the tube is going down the throat.

My sister and I were subjected to object insertion. S, my most sadistic abuser, would force us to play “doggie.” I was the male dog, and my baby sister was the female dog. S forced me to insert objects into my sister as part of the “game,” which was absolutely nauseating to me.

Object insertion involves inserting any object (hair brush, enema, curling iron, etc.) into any orifice in a child. What is especially confusing to the child is the why? The child is getting no pleasure out of the object insertion, so what is the point of the activity? It is about sadistic abuse and about breaking the child’s will and dignity.

If you have endured any of these forms of abuse, you are not alone. I generally hear about them in two types of settings – sexual abuse by women and as a part of ritual abuse. I am not saying that no man has ever used these tactics – I am sure many have. However, it does seem to be a more common practice by a female abuser than by a male one. Perhaps the reason that enemas, tubes, and object insertion are talked about less is because they are more frequently done by women, and talking about female abusers is harder for a lot of child abuse survivors than talking about abuse by men.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID): Recognizing That Parts Were Always There July 1, 2009

Continued from here.

At the time that I first faced the reality that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), I was unaware of alter parts ever being “out.” However, through therapy and healing, I came to realize that I (as the host personality) was just a tiny sliver of who I am. I also came to realize, in retrospect, that I did have interactions with my alter parts.

For example, I adopted my son. During the home study, the social worker asked hub and me if either of us had been abused as a child. We both replied, “No.” I immediately got lightheaded, and I was bombarded by “loud thoughts” screaming, “Liar! Liar! Liar!” I was perplexed but not alarmed that I had these “loud thoughts” rolling around in my head. It didn’t stop until I “thought” back, “As far as I know, I wasn’t abused.”

I used to joke that I had the world’s longest fuse. People could $@#% all over me, and I would just take it. I was the world’s biggest doormat. However, about once a year, I would blow. When somebody crossed a boundary that I typically accepted, I would suddenly have an enormous amount of strength and adrenaline, and I would tell the other person off. I would then be shocked that I had just said those words to the other person. I realize in retrospect that this was Irate coming out to protect me when people took advantage of me.

I would be having consensual sex with my husband, and I would get intrusive thoughts, such as, “If you close your eyes, they all feel the same.” I would be driving my car and get the urge to crash it into a tree. (I would always fight it and tell myself, “No!”, but I had no awareness that I was talking to an alter part.)

I stopped counting after integrating numerous parts, but I easily had several hundred parts (most personality fragments but some personalities, too). I used some techniques to access my subconscious mind, and I would “catch” some of my alter parts in conversation about what I (as the host personality) was ready to handle and what I was not. The weirdest thing is that none of this felt odd. Even without “knowing” that I had alter parts, I felt a certain amount of comfort in learning about them and even grieved when Irate integrated back into the core. I didn’t want to be “alone” in my own body.

As I have recovered more of my memories, I now recognize just how frequently I switched. I have tons of memories of S (my most sadistic abuser) walking down the stairs, closing the drapes, and then immediately opening the drapes back up. I would think it was a weird tic of hers to close and then open them right back up. I hold those memories from the host personality’s perspective. The drapes were the signal to tuck that part of me away. Then, it was safe to come back out when the drapes were opened again.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

Accepting a Diagnose of Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) June 30, 2009

See my last post, Do People with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) Know That They Have It? for the first part of the story.

For the next two weeks, I was constantly p@$$ed off. I was so angry (hence the name “Irate”), but none of it made any sense. I opened a dialogue with that part, which is how I learned the part’s name. “We” would have conversations in my head. I would think a question, and then I would “hear” a “loud thought” inside of my head that did not originate from me. It was really bizarre. I was so certain that I had never been abused that I was pretty certain that my sanity was snapping.

I had to accept it, though – I had an alter part. There was no denying it. The question I had was what to do about it. I certainly wasn’t going to tell anyone about it.

I did some online research and learned about dissociation. I then found a book in my local library about dissociation called The Myth of Sanity by Martha Stout. Before reading that book, I didn’t believe I could possibly have DID because I did not do all of the “crazy stuff” that Sybil, Eve, and Truddi did. However, as I read the book, I saw myself in every page and in every patient.

The book was clear that a person must experience severe and ongoing trauma at a young age in order to split off an alter part. I was perplexed because I “knew” that I was a virgin until my husband. I called my sister and asked if she had any memories of me being sexually abused as a child. She replied, “I have always had a bad feeling about mom.” In that instant, I recovered my first repressed memory. I could feel my body being violated, and I knew in the deepest part of myself that my mother had, in fact, sexually abused me.

I also related to the feelings of dissociation described in that book. I would frequently feel lightheaded around my mother. I chalked it up to being tired. I would then “forget” the specifics of the visit. I once drove four hours in the car with her. When I got home, I could not remember one thing we talked about, even though we talked the entire time. I had to face the reality that I had been abused and that I had an alter part (I had hundreds more but did not know it yet).

To be continued…

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

Do People with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) Know That They Have It? June 29, 2009

On my blog entry entitled Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and “Hearing Voices”, a reader posted the following comment:

I know I have these inner voices yet I don’t know if they are attached to actual parts per say-with names and history. I was wondering, (without being intrusive) if your personal work began with just the voices and then finding out more later?? I do believe that my voices have been with me for a very long time on and off but I choose not to recognize them on some level. ~ Kim

Kim actually posted three comments to the blog entry, and the underlying message I am getting is the question of whether people with DID know that they have it. The answer in most cases (before therapy and diagnosis) is no.

The whole point of DID is to compartmentalize the spirit so that some parts hold the pain, memories, and emotions while other parts have the ability to appear completely normal to the outside word. My host personality was a very cheerful one. I was always smiling. Happy children are not viewed as possibly being abused, so creating a happy and upbeat host personality to be “me” whenever the abuse wasn’t happening was an effective way of hiding my secrets.

I had no awareness of having alter parts or losing time. In retrospect (after entering into therapy), I came to recognize that I had huge holes in my memory. However, my multiple system was brilliant in hiding this fact from my host personality.

I first suspected that I had an alter part about a year before the flashbacks started. As I would lie in my bed at night trying to sleep, I would feel someone “step into my face.” It felt like my facial features were changing, and I could feel a separateness from myself and that other part. I have a very hard time describing the feeling. The best way I can explain it is to think about blowing bubbles, and two bubbles share the space that should be filled by one. That is kind of what it felt like.

I had always been drawn to stories about DID (Truddi Chase, Sybil, Eve White, etc.), so I had an idea about what was going on. However, it made no sense because I believed that I had never suffered abuse. The truth of the matter is that my host personality had been safely hidden inside whenever the abuse happened, so that part of my spirit truly had not experienced the abuse. However, the host personality was only a tiny sliver of who I am.

I just assumed that this was more evidence of me being “crazy” and tried to block it out. Then, a year later, my mother/abuser went into my then-two-year-old son’s room during the night, and that is when all h@#$ broke loose in my life. (I do not believe that she harmed my son, thank goodness.) A part that I later learned was named Irate took over and let me (the host personality) stay “out” in a co-conscious way. I felt like I had been shoved over to the side of my head. My mind was racing with the fear that my mother had sexually abused my child. I was flooded with a ton of emotions that made absolutely no sense because they were not “my” emotions, and the thoughts were not “my” thoughts.

This blog entry is getting long, so I will continue with the story tomorrow.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt