I have received so much positive feedback about my series on Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) that I have decided to continue writing on this topic. I have received comments and questions about integration.
I went back through my journal and found something I posted on Isurvive back in July of 2005. I had recently recovered the memory of being vaginally raped by a man, and that was the truth that I had most deeply repressed. Since I started healing in November 2003, I had told myself that I could handle any memory that came along as long as I was never vaginally raped. I had recovered quite a few traumatizing memories, but I was not ready to face that truth.
When I finally did face that even this was taken from me, I took it very hard. My host personality was inconsolable because I had built my identity (my identity = the host personality’s identity) around being a virgin until marriage. However, once I accepted this truth, I no longer had a reason to keep the host personality separate. I was ready to integrate.
The post was very long, so I will post a little each day. It will take four days to read through all of it. I hope what I recorded back then will be helpful to those of you who are struggling with DID and questioning what integration will feel like.
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7/29/05
What I am about to share is the biggest breakthrough I have had in my healing process. I hope that I can put it into words because I can see where it can be very confusing for someone who isn’t experiencing it.
Before I get started, I have to say something that will affect all future posts. I have been using “Faith Anne” to represent [real first name] [real middle name]. My multiple system has embraced the name “Faith” as “me” – the sum total of the parts. So, from now on, my [real first name] will be referred to as Faye (system likes it because it is close to “fake”). So, here’s the breakdown:
* Faye = [real first name] = host personality who was clueless about the abuse
* Anne = [real middle name]
* Annie = Original soul = inner child who went to sleep
* Faith = The sum total of the parts = core = “me”
As you know, Faye took a huge blow a couple of days ago when she learned that her virginity was taken when she was 8. Faye has been inconsolable because being a virgin was such a big part of her identity. This is because this is what the multiple system needed her to think. Faye had an important role to play. She was the “host personality” – the one who was “out” whenever there was no abuse occurring. The system’s and body’s survival depended upon having an innocent personality who interacted with the world when the body wasn’t being abused. Faye was a virgin all along – she was never “out” when the abuse occurred. Her first time really was with her husband.
Continued here.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
faith — help me. i dont get it. in a way, you know my dad he started hurting me when i was very young and so does that mean??? does that mean that i am not, i mean that he took my virginity before, and i can never ever get that back. no part of me is pure?
As far as I am concerned, I was a virgin until I gave myself to my husband because that was the first time that I **chose** sex. If you have never **chosen** sex, then you are still a virgin in the way that matters. Any man who does not value you for giving yourself to him is not worthy of being with you.
The first time that I “made love” was with my husband. Rape does not = making love, and giving your virginity is about making love.
As far as being “pure” goes, your soul is completely pure and cannot be tainted by ANYTHING. What you view as “impure” in your spirit is your abusers’ lies. Another person cannot harm you and make you impure, just as piling a bunch of manure on top of a diamond cannot change the value of a diamond.
I went through all of these struggles myself, and the shame felt nearly unbearable. I pushed through it by choosing to love and accept myself as I am, not as I wanted to be.
Hang in there.
- Faith
[...] Continued from here [...]
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I have DID. Started when I was about 2-3 yrs. (female) being raped in a cell where my uncle was in Walpole for commiting murder. That was just the beginning of a very abusive, torturous, neglated, unloved life. I hear alot of voices, and have recognized there is:
Audrey……….my real first name soft spoken, alone, desparete
Andrea……….other alter, protective, business per, angry at world,
Carolyn………other alter Inner Child, depressed, crying wants to hide and run away.
David…………another alter, very angry at Audrey
I have other alters, but I don’t know there names. Someone is trying to tell me something. My therapist has recieved a call with Audrey’s voice, but not Audrey, saying some scareful things on her phone. Some alter is trying to hurt Audrey and they threaten Audrey. I have heard the conversation on the phone (Audrey) myself. There is no other voice. Just Audrey’s voice, but not Audrey
For my therapy I have been doing alot of sketches of my past as a child. The abuse, the torture, the neglate. I also do sketches of things I used to do or was as a child. Always hidding and running away. Anything to protect myself.
I have also found some childhood photos that verify other alters and my fright.
Do you think Audrey is trying to integregate? I dissacociate and don’t when it is happening, I split. An alter has done some pretty descructive things in peoples lives. Audrey doesn’t know who that alter is. Audrey feels very sorr and can’t make things right because people don’t undersand. How can Audrey become one person?
Hi, Audrey (and all).
Yes, you can heal. Even though each alter part feels separate, all of these parts are YOU. The hate that one alter part feels toward Audrey is your own anger that was not safe to direct toward your abusers, so you directed at yourself (Audrey).
As part of my healing work, I had to do a lot of “redirecting” my angry alter parts. I would explain that the rage needs to be directed at the cause. I would then run the faces of my abusers through my head until the right abuser’s face appeared (the one who hurt the alter part that was angry). Then, I would let that alter part beat up the abuser through visualization. Once the angry alter part was able to give voice to the anger, it stops turning on me.
- Faith
While you were integrating did you ever feel like a completely different person? I feel like parts inside are mixing. Sometimes I feel the feelings and thoughts of other parts and lately cannot tell sometimes when I or another part end or begin. I have lost interest in activities I used to be interested in. I feel like a totally different person than I was even a few months ago. Wonder how I got here and occasionally cannot recognize apartment. It is like waking up out of a dream. Did you ever feel that way? I feel lost and empty – like a completely COMPLETELY different person.
I have DID. I don’t ever feel like different people. I do not realize when I am another alter. It’s very scarry and I’m afraid to leave the house and have any kind of a relationship with anybody. I can’t understand how you feel?
Hi, Audrey.
Healing from DID is a long process. As you begin to embrace your diagnosis and heal from the trauma, you will learn how to stay co-present rather than black out. At that point, those parts will feel separate. Remember that all of the parts are **you**.
If you are not in therapy, I strongly recommending finding a good therapist with experience in helping survivors of severe trauma.
- Faith
Faith, I’ve been very ill. Was in the hospital for a week. While I was in there some people called me Audrey, other staff called me andrea and the girls that served called me Andre. Andre is new to me. I have another alter now. I was in major stress and pain. I thought I kept telling everyone my name was Audrey but it didn’t seem to make a difference. I have a very good therapist, I see 2 times a week. She’s been on Vac for 2 weeks now. She specializies in Trauma, abuse and torture, which is all what happend to me all the way thru adulthood. My therapist is a Dr. Psychologist. I’m not sure ifit is the best for me. I was told I’m lucky to have her because there is n one in the area that does that kind of therapy. Would hypnosis help? Have you ever tried it?
Hi, Audrey.
I have not tried hypnosis. I would not trust another person enough to give him or her that kind of “power” over me. I found that I did not need someone else to intervene for my parts to start talking to one another. I would do it myself during that half-asleep stage at night, which might have been a kind of self-hypnosis. You need to be willing to “hear” what the other parts need to tell you. The key is love and acceptance.
- Faith
I just was in the hospital for a week. I now have another 3 alters. Funny they all start with A except for David. Now there is added to the other alters; Ambre, andree, aubrey, In the hospital I was called Ambre, my personality seemed to be mild, but protective of my health, willing to fight over proper care. In re-hab I was called Andree, my personality seemed to be quiet, meak, agrees with everything, and trys to help other’s. So far that gives me a total of 7 alters. Aubrey, seems to be outgoing in speaking with other people in my apt. complex. People on the elevator call me that all the time. My children do not want to know anything about this disorder I have. They don’t want to know. Is that good or bad?
[...] my blog entry entitled My Story: Integrating from Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), a reader posted the following comment: While you were integrating did you ever feel like a [...]
I like the way you put out things. It would be nice to read more posts from you. Bookmarked.
[...] Finally, I recovered the memories of being sexually abused by men. The only thing I had held onto throughout 18 months of therapy was that I had been spared vaginal rape. My first sickening awareness that even that had not been spared threw me into such a deep depression that I did not know if I could survive it. Accepting this truth was the last piece I needed in order to integrate from dissociative identity disorder (DID). I have written about that experience extensively here. [...]
[...] which is why I added a Recommended Reading page to this site. However, I had no resources for integrating my host personality into my core, which was a huge leap in healing that happened on its own initiative with no instructions provided [...]
[...] choice, I could feel the depths of the healing taking place inside of myself. It felt similar to when my host personality integrated, although it was not to the same degree. Something powerful took place when I made the choice to [...]