I frequently see people struggle with the fact that their bodies reacted to a rape or other form of sexual abuse by having an orgasm. People wrestle with whether the sexual abuse could have been “that bad” if they had an orgasm during it. Also, some people who first began having orgasms during sexual abuse as young children question whether this means that they were some sort of “bad seed” who brought the sexual abuse on themselves.
It is actually quite common for a person’s body to react to sexual abuse or rape with an orgasm. This does not mean that you wanted the sexual contact or that you enjoyed it. This is simply an indicator that your body was working the way it was designed to work.
Human beings are born into the world wired to respond to sexual contact. Baby boys often get erections during a diaper change, even without any unnecessary contact involved in the cleaning process. Young children frequently touch their “private” areas, not to achieve orgasm like post-pubescent people do but just because it feels good.
When a child’s body is stimulated through sexual contact, it will sometimes react to that stimulation by having an orgasm. This does not mean that the sexual contact was welcome.
The child’s reaction to having a “good” feeling in the midst of bad feelings can be very confusing to the child. The child does not feel the same sense of pleasure and relaxation afterward as an adult does after consensual sex. Instead, the child is left with conflicting emotions. Some people wind up hating their own bodies for betraying them by reacting to sexual abuse with an orgasm.
This can lead into issues in adulthood. A person who had orgasms as a child while being sexually abused can confuse orgasms with abuse, so when they enter into a consensual sexual relationship, they have confused feelings when they have orgasms. They might wind up hating themselves when they climax but then also hating themselves when they don’t, which causes any sexual interaction to become very stressful for them. It can be challenging for an adult survivor of sexual abuse to separate out a “good” orgasm from a “bad” one.
Related Topic:
Trauma Tuesday: Sexual Aggression in the Sexually Abused Child
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
+++++ Trigger warning for the comments +++++
Some of the comments contain triggering comments. I cannot figure out how to add a trigger warning to them, and I don’t want to remove them and “silence” the people posting the comments. If you are in a bad place, please use caution in reading the comments. – Faith
so confused about what you say. It feels good, but is bad? I liked it, i kept going back, i liked it. is that is wrong. i was bad and went back. She told me not to go, but he would hold me and it felt good.
If you were a child and he was an adult, then it was rape. The fact that your body responded to the contact does not make it any less of a rape.
Take care,
- Faith
I need to learn more about the body’s natural resposes (like orgasims) during rape or molestation. Please email me back. I feel loads of guilt for the pleasure my body had when this happened. My therapist said to learn all I can about this. Please email me soon.
as i have remembered, i have felt so guilty cause this was true for me, i never knew it ; before i started remembering but i do i know that i did do this all the time as a girl and all through my growing up in what was forced on me. i feel so guilty about this. you make sense though.
You have nothing for which you need to feel guilty. You did not choose to be sexually abused. Your body simply responded in the way that it was wired to respond.
I know it is hard to work through these issues — I have had to work through them myself. It is hard to unravel the difference between a “good” and a “bad” orgasm after begin sexually abused.
Take care,
- Faith
i had an orgasm during sexual abuse.
My father fondle my crotch every night. It felt good. Though its was wrong
The most confusing part is that it feels good and bad all at the same time. It feels like your body is betraying you by reacting by feeling “good” when it also feels “bad.” People who have not experienced sexual abuse probably have a hard time understanding how someone can have a “bad orgasm,” but it happens all too frequently to those of us who have experienced sexual abuse.
- Faith
I could hardly wait for him to reach into my panties and give me that tingling feeling. I didn’t know then that I was having orgasms; it would be years before I learned that word, and even longer before I admitted to myself that what I experienced was orgasm. But sometimes the incest felt good — that special feeling, all that attention and love and affection from my nice daddy. And he was, in my young mind, my nice daddy; he hugged me and put Band-Aids on my skinned knees and sang Sinatra
That is what makes incest so difficult. It is the most normal thing in the world for a child to crave the love of her father. Incest takes that need and twists it around to meet the perverted needs of the father (or mother, grandfather, etc.), leaving the child feeling responsible for the abuse.
- Faith
I had an orgasm druing sexual abuse …
To be earnest, I ENJOYED!
Even when a victim of sexual abuse experiences an orgasm during the abuse, it is still damaging, and it affects the person when s/he enters into consensual sexual relationships. The fact that the victim climaxes during sexual abuse does NOT negate how damaging the sexual abuse is.
- Faith
The fact that we get aroused by sexual abuse gives the abuser permission to abuse us. I just found this out at age 46. I too was sexually abused by an older brother when I was young, raped in high school and raped by my husband. I was continually abused by my husband sexually and emotionally and didn’t even realize it! I am learning how to maintain my own power and control. It is not easy!
I remember my father rubbing me between my legs, making me hold them open until I could no longer stand it and then finally I would get this tingling feeling and then would moan and he would kiss me between my legs on my clit. I wanted it, but in the end it messed me up.
It is normal both to want and not want the orgasm when sexually abused. On the one hand, you are still a child and do not want to be having this sexual experience at all. On the other hand, your body is wired to respond to sexual stimulation, so your body “wants” the release of an orgasm after the sexual stimulation.
The big difference is that, with consensual sex, an orgasm generally brings about a feeling of all being right with the world. With rape, the orgasm brings about a feeling of emptiness. As you say, it can really mess you up in the head, especially when you enter into a consensual sexual relationship as an adult and have all sorts of mixed feelings when you have orgasms.
- Faith
wat happens if it was ur own brother n u where so young
Everything that I wrote applies, no matter the relationship to the abuser — mother, father, brother, sister, grandparent, etc. The relationship to the abuser makes the rape more heinous, but it is NEVER the fault of the victim. Just because a child experiences an orgasm while being raped does NOT mean that the sexual contact was wanted.
- Faith
You are not a survivor.
You can not understand my experience.
Huh?????
To whom are your speaking?
- Faith
↑You are not a sexual abuse survivor ‥‥
I was twelve, I remember, when my father began to molest me sexually.
Actual intercourse didnt happen, but I remember talking…touching… fondling….
I never cried or fought, it never occured to me that I could.
my father was the arthority figure. I couldnt resist him. I coudnt tell.
Hovering at the edge of puberty, I knew virtually nothing about sex.
How I hated him. But I hated myself more.
Despite my revulsion, the incestuous fondling evoked an instinctual pleasure response. It felt good, even tnough it was wrong.
I could not seperate sex from terror and power…and pleasure,
and i could not understand the sensations I felt.
What he did to you was wrong. Your reaction to the sexual abuse was a normal reaction. I am so sorry that you experienced the sexual abuse. I understand the mixture of pleasure, pain, and terror.
Hang in there.
- Faith
My dad was hitting me with some type of board
I was asking him to stop.
pleading with him
I told him I would be good.
he told me I had to prove it, I guess he didnt believe I could be good. I dont know.
I dont know why I did this. I really dont, It was my fault and I feel tons of guilt and shame over this.
I started to do oral sex with him
It got worse though….
He started to do it to me too
He put his tongue inside me
He did it until, untill I gave him what he wanted the response he wanted
I started this….
I am having a horrible time.
I am in great pain.
Survivor,
Do you have a therapist? What you are dealing with is too much for a person to work through without therapy. Try to find a qualified therapist with a psychology degree who has lots of experience in counseling survivors of childhood sexual abuse.
Another good resource for you is http://www.isurvive.org. That is a message board for survivors of all forms of child abuse. It is like of like having your own online support group.
None of this was your fault. As an adult, it is my responsibility to guide a child in the right direction, not harm or take advantage of the child. You father is responsible for the abuse, not you.
Hang in there.
- Faith
no one understand me ok i went though this i still live with him and love hime hes my bother we where young i didnt know any better i jst thought it was a game i have never told anyone and never will
You are not the only person who has been through this. It is possible that an adult sexually abused him and that he did the things he did to you to help him understand what was going on with him.
Take care,
- Faith
no one ever hurt him in anyway
I just want to say that as a survivor of child sexual abuse and an advocate for other survivors I think this is a very thorough and excellent site. I have my own blog regarding child abuse and would love it if you participated. The fact that the topics are so honest can be potentially healing and comforting for your visitors.
[...] first sexual experiences intermixed orgasms with pain. Many child abuse survivors experienced orgasms during sexual abuse, which caused the child’s body to feel both “pleasure” and pain at the same time. Even though [...]
I thought I must be crazy to have experienced the pleasure of an orgasm during sexual abuse.
I said my father that I have to pee but he kept fondling my clitoris. I was only 12 yeas old. I didnt know why I felt good.
But I did get an orgasm and I like it.
Liking an orgasm is not the same thing as liking abuse. The fact that your body felt pleasure at the same time that your spirit felt deep betrayal set you up for a lifetime of ambivalent feelings toward sex.
- Faith
I thought I would share my story for the first time. I am a man and was abused by two people in my life. The first was my doctor. I was 7 years old going for my check up and everything was normal. Then he asked my mother to leave the room and go with the nurse. He said he needed to talk to me man to man and that it will give me confidence if we have the rest of the exam without her. I don’t know why she left me a lone, but she did every time I went to the doctor. I know she thought she was doing the right thing. Anyway I was abused with his finger in my bottom and with some kind of vibrator for backs or something. I had lots of orgasms every time I was at the doctor. I was scared but I loved going there every chance I got. I would fake headaches just to go back. I went there until he closed down when I was 13. Why did I enjoy it? Why do I still think of that as a good thing, my god why does it still turn me on, am I crazy. Sometimes I want to be 7 again just to feel what its like to have that first orgasm. WHY???!!! The other person that abused me was a friends mother. I was 10 and staying over night. She came into our room and pulled me from bed and masturbated me. I loved it and new it was wrong. I wanted it to go on but she stopped and told me to go back to bed. She never did it again. I missed not doing it more with her. I liked her, a lot for a 10 year old. Please give me your advise, im very confused. I don’t want to like fantasizing about me a child of 7 having orgasms from older people. I don’t want to do that to children. Why do I think about it so much. Sorry for the long post, Im just starting to deal with it all.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. I strongly recommend that you find a qualified therapist with experience in counseling people who have been sexually abused.
All that you are feeling is normal. Orgasms feel good. They are supposed to — otherwise, we would be unlikely to continue creating the next generation. We are born with our bodies already hardwired to experience orgasms, which is why your body responded in the way that it did.
However, as a seven year old boy, you were not emotionally ready to handle an orgasm. This was not about using your body to express your love for another person — it was about adults taking something from you that you should have been allowed to explore as you were ready when you were older.
Have your read my friend David’s post on my blog?
http://faithallen.wordpress.com/2008/06/09/child-abuse-survivors-true-success-story/
He has been through a lot to heal from his sexual abuse as a boy. You might find some of what he has written helpful.
Also, my favorite message board has a forum specifically for male survivors of child abuse:
http://www.isurvive.org/
You can meet other men who are struggling with the same issues.
Good luck along your healing journey.
Take care,
- Faith
To Jason: I got your other two posts and deleted them because you asked me to disregard them. :0)
Just so everyone knows — When you post a comment for the first time on my site, it goes into a queue to be moderated. This is to protect all of us from inappropriate spamming. Once I approve your first comment, your next comment should show up without needing moderation first.
- Faith
I had tried not to reach a climax during sexual abuse but ‥‥
my body was sexually stimulated and felt aroused.
My vagina got wet.
It was an involuntary bodily reaction.
But I am vexing.
I was 11 years old when my father first slipped his hand down my pants. I was at the arcades with him. It felt weird. But later that night he did it again when nobody was around and a few minutes later my body felt really light and my hips jerked. I had no idea I had an orgasm. I remember the more my father touched me after that the more I enjoyed the orgasm. He would fondle me about twice a week ending always with an orgasm. It soon became just a part of my life, routine that he touched me down there. It was such a shame that my own father would take advantage of my inexperienced body like that. He led me by the hand to a quiet place where nobody was around. Then his hands were on my body and soon in my body. He would whisper in my ear as he touched me, pleading for me to come for him. Thats why I feel so angry at him today when I see him. He did this more for his pleasure than mine I think. He always wanted to control my body. Before I knew it I was a 13-14 year old girl taking a nap in my father’s bed just so I could reach that feeling. That led to more types of abuse and then the orgasms where feeling more like guilt trips than a sexual release that I needed. Now today I feel so naked, so vulnerable in front of my father.
I was 12 years old when my father first caressed my crotch.
I have been haunted by an intersection between shame and pleasure. I was hurt again and again and led to believe that it was my fault, and that if only I weren’t bad, my dad wouldn’t do those things to me. But at the same time, I thought I was special because it was happening. I’d tell myself, “Look how much my daddy loves me,” and still I knew it was bad and that I should be ashamed.
But I liked the pleasure of an orgasm during sexual abuse in my bed.
If I had an orgasm, then it would be over. My dad got pleasure out of seeing me have an orgasm. Every time I come, he smile triumphantly.
I agree but must add I feel like it may be even more likely to be brought to orgasm during sexual abuse. The abuser knows that if he or she doesn’t do that, you a child may be more against the touching and tell someone. So I think the abuser tries extra hard to make sure the child orgasms. I personally was molested by two different people the first was my uncle when I was only 7 years old. I did orgasm during oral sex. Then when I was 16 years old my father was messing around with me and before I knew it he was tugging at my jeans. I just thought about my uncle and did not want to respond like I did back then. I think that made it worse for me when I did orgasm with my dad because I felt so much guilt. Like Mischa said, my dad got pleasure in seeing me orgasm, so then he knew he had a free pass to orally raping me.
I also find cunnilings triggering because of past sexual abuse.
That is how my father had made me have an orgasm. he said I liked it and the whole thing was my fault.
My father brought me to orgasm as part of his game.
I absolutely cannot engage in cunnilingus. It triggers me in powerful ways, much more so than any other form of sexual contact. I believe it is because of the tie-in to orgasm during this form of rape.
- Faith
The most quandary in sexual abuse was the feeling of an orgasm.
I got addicted to the orgasm.
I just recently blurted out in therapy “I was 7 years old when I had my first orgasm and I didn’t know what was happening to me!” and threw paper in anger and ripped up a photo of me in these barely there clothes the same age in the same bedroom where I had my first orgasm. Today I usually cry after an orgasm if I even have one.
So am I jason. I started 10 yrs ago on just some of my behaviors I felt so horrible about and broke the silence on the other’s behaviors, but there’s so much I didn’t/couldn’t for many reasons. There’s always different “starts” and for me the hardest was and still is breaking the silence and dealing with the shame, at one time just trying to find words!, and now, today I have more of this I’ve never ever had bravery “I’m ready to take back the control taken away from me!” I’m trying to set a pace and stick with it so what all they did to me doesn’t consume/control me-it’s only because of the brave feeling I have. STOP!!!! Enough is Enough. I hope you continue you “starts.” and I can empathize with that first “start.” Lots of courage there that seems to disappear after disclosure-it’s just what I call “fallout.” Stay in your safe places, but keeping starting so you can find other safe places to start again.
Thanks for the kind words. They all really help. It truly feels like im still just starting to deal with it all. I have been recently dagnosed with bi polar disorder. Is this normal for victams of child sexual abuse to be diagnosed with bi polar disorder? It has been diffacult dealing with my past and being told I have bi polar. It does help explain some of my past actions although it dosnt excuse them.
Yes, many child abuse survivors are MISdiagnosed with bipolar disorder when they really have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), dissociative identity disorder (DID), or another form of dissociative disorder. That is not to say that you have been misdiagnosed — just that this frequently happens.
Bipolar disorder is a disease of the brain. So, if you have it, it was not caused by the abuse. PSTD, DID, and dissociative disorders only happen to people who endured trauma. People with DID can appear to be bipolar because they have different alter parts that act manic or depressive.
Take care,
- Faith
Its just irked at me since I had been abused. Seeing my abuser sent chills down my body knowing he had the most intimate kind of relationship possible with me. Never ending guilt has come from it until I saw a psychiatrist. I hated it that I would orgasm many times during an encounter with my abuser. I hated being at the supper table with my abuser and hearing him say to my family how he had a special relationship with me, how every father/daughter relationship should be as ours. He always thought that since I orgasmed so much, that he was doing me such a favor. It was true that I would voluntarily sleep in his bed when mom was gone. It was true that I would shower with him when I was a young teen just to be touched. My body betrayed me.
I think that the fact that my body (and my mind) did reply to sexual arrousal during my childhood abuse is probably one of the reasons I just cannot let go of the guilt and the shame. These feelings just flood my every thought.
I was only ten, and I enjoyed the foreplay. I liked the attention. I was arroused. And it felt “good. I even had orgasms despite my age… I even started masturbating at this age even though I wasn’t really sure of what I was doing… I enjoyed the feeling of it. My father came in my room every night.
Stephanie,
Your reaction as a 10-year-old girl was a NORMAL reaction. You craved the your father’s attention just like any little girl does. Your father took advantage of a normal need and exploited you with it.
Your body was created to respond to sexual stimulation. It was your father’s job to protect your body from experiencing sexual stimulation too early, but he failed miserably. Sex is something that a person is supposed to explore at her own pace, not have taken away by a father.
My first orgasm was even younger — still in my toddler or preschool years. I was not old enough to understand what was going on or want it. It was taken from me.
Hang in there.
- Faith
faith, im curious. wat iz ur story?
Hi, Chamillion.
My story is all over this blog. Feel free to read through prior posts. It would take far too long to go into it in one comment.
Take care,
- Faith
I am struggling so much with shame. I feel ashamed that I had “sensations” while My Father sexually abused me and I just cannot get rid of the shame. I feel guilty about it, due to me feeling so ashamed and dirty, and a freak, for having felt whatever during the abuse.
But thanks to people like you talking about sexual abuse , I have felt less alone.
There were many times when my father was abusing me that my body responded. I later recalled it starting to feel good, and not resisiting that feeling at all. When that memory came back, I felt so ashamed.
How are you all dealing with the conflicting emotions? Everything I see written here, practically, screams out that you all loved what was happening at the time, and mostly feel bad because society says it’s bad. I’m asking you all, because you are the only ones that really know, is it bad?
jz, I want to answer your question about if it is bad. I hope you read this. I know it’s been a while since this was posted, but I have to respond. I don’t know what you have or have not been through, but I was only 3 when it was taken from me. Today I am 24. My three children and husband have to endure my constant changing moods from one extreme to the next. One minute I feel like I want to put everything I have in my soul into being the best mother/wife, and then the next I am yelling and scolding and spanking over nothing. I don’t know who I am. I am never happy. I can’t be around people long, and worst of all is the extremely deep hatred I have for myself. Even when I am just washing dishes I have flash backs of being molested and how good it felt. When I have these I get even angrier with myself. My life is a horrible mess. I have a wonderful caring husband that doesn’t deserve to be put through my mess. I won’t even let him take our daughter to town alone. Even though she is only a baby. He doesn’t deserve to be treated so badly for what someone else did to me. I vividly remember the feelings I had down there when the man touched me every night. I remember trying so hard not to fall asleep so I could fight him off when he came into the room. But he always seemed to know exactly when I would be out and I am a hard sleeper once I get to sleep. I would be waking up to these feelings in the middle of the night wondering if I was dreaming or not. Now I can’t stand for my husband to mess with me at night. It reminds me too much of the man that did those things to me. I wish I could go on, but there isn’t enough space on the internet to contain it all. And that was just one of half a dozen men. My family is worse for the pleasure I felt so long ago. So, you tell me jz, how the hell is it not bad!!!!!! It’s just like any drug or alcohol. You feel good at the moment, but then it makes life worse and worse. So if you want my opinion, it is BAD! There isn’t a thing in this world that could be worse. A slow painful death wouldn’t be as agonizing as what I live with every day.
Interesting question. I will write about this on my blog next week.
- Faith
That is a good question. If society were diffrent, would we all feel ashamed or question our reactions to the abuse as we do now? I dont know. I do have an unrelated question. Please do NOT take this question the wrong way. What happened to us is horable and god forbid it ever happen to anyone again, but here is my question. Has anyone ever thought about abusing someone either willingly or unintenionally, emotional, physical, or even sexual? What is the statistic for repeating the abuse after becoming an adult? Just wondering. Thought I would update you all on my progress. I am on much more powerfull medication, Lythium, and seeing a therapist once a week. The thoughts of suicide are slowly going away, and I am holding down a job for the first time. Been there almost a year now, thats good for me. I am dealing with my sex adition slowly and we are starting to get my bi polar under controle, slowly. Thanks for letting me update and ask my hard questions. Good luck and NEVER give up. Life does get better, trust me it may not get better at first, but it WILL. Bless you ALL
Jason,
Thank you for asking that question. I am a nymphomaniac. I am addicted to sex. Sometimes my urges are so powerful I feel like if I can’t get I need I might have to take it. This disturbs me quiet a bit. I am ashamned to admit this, because of my past in sexual abuse, but it is the honest truth. I am scared of myself and hate myself.
Jason,
I have already written all of my blog entries for this week (11/17-21). I will address this issue the following week on my blog.
Take care,
- Faith
[...] sexual abuse, rape, sexual abuse My second most popular blog entry on my blog is one entitled Orgasm during Rape or Other Form of Sexual Abuse. That blog entry has quite a few comments posted by child abuse survivors who experienced orgasms [...]
i have really been struggling with this. I have experinced orgasims, and even ashsamed to say the word… i was raped so much, they would touch and rape me lots of ways and i would have multiple orgasims. they would rape me until I did. I feel really really guilty. dirty, shameful and lot of other words… I dont want to feel this ever ever.. but i do, and i do when i remeber. and i feel really bad and that i am bad. i cant even say the words to my counselor, cause i feel so guilty. any help?
Zoe – Please tell your therapist about it. It took about for or five years for me to tell my psychiatrist about it. I was an adult when I was raped and I had an orgasm. I felt so much shame and guilt and I still do. I am 55 yrs old now and it was thirty years ago. I was twenty eight years old when I began therapy and it took a long time for me to talk about it. Besides the extreme guilt and shame, I was worried about what he would think of me. Talking about it in therapy was the best thing that I could have ever done. I told my significant other of fifteen years about it a long time ago and he was most understanding. I am still in therapy. I have severe deprression and need a combination of antidepressants to treat it. He also diagnosed my adult ADD. It was just a blessing that I ended up in his office. It was years until it stopped being like putting one fire out after another. I have been in the same job for 21 years and am in a stable living situation with a wonderful man.
I am not sure why, but the issue of the orgasm during the rape has come up again. I enjoy sex in my relationship and that was even a struggle in the beginning. Therapy was a life saver for me. Please tell your therapist. I know that it is not safe to put things online so if you want to email me, ask Faith for my email.
Beth
Zoe,
Your body’s reaction is normal. Read the second comment on this blog entry:
http://ouradopt.com/adoption-blog/nov-2008/faitha/trauma-tuesday-orgasms-during-rape-and-sexual-abuse#comments
It explains so much about the body’s reaction to sexual abuse.
You did nothing wrong. Your body reacted to the stimulation, but nobody should have been stimulating your body. You did not ask for the abuse, and the fact that you had orgasms during the abuse does not negate the abuse. The abuse was still abuse, still wrong, and still the fault of your abusers.
Hang in there.
- Faith
[...] my blog entry entitled Orgasm during Rape or Other Form of Sexual Abuse, a reader posted the following comment: If society were diffrent, would we all feel ashamed or [...]
[...] my blog entry entitled Orgasm during Rape or Other Form of Sexual Abuse, a reader posted the following comment: Please do NOT take this question the wrong way. What [...]
Faith,
I woke up this morning. I realized something else about myself that I never questionned before. I am 39 years old and married for 10 years and I have never had an orgasm while having normal, traditional sex. The first time I had an orgasm during consentual sex it was oral. And that night I had the nightmare about being raped when I was a kid. Last night I was depressed, because recently it has also come to my attention that I use sex like I use cutting and burning. At the time it meets a need, but then I feel worse, remorseful. My husband has recently quit drinking and he will not participate in rough or degrading type sexual acts. Last night he would not follow me in that direction and kept it traditional so no orgasm and I still felt remorseful and ashamed of my behavior.
Yes, this is a HUGE challenge for many sexual abuse survivors. I will have to write about this topic.
Hang in there.
- Faith
Thanks for validating me on that Faith.
I was molested by my adoptive mother. she would lay me on top of her and have me rub back and forth until i orgasmed we would do different games she would tell me not to “hump” or squeeze just rub my body against her fleshy fat and I would orgasm. I’m not going to lie but some of these stories aroused me. I LIKED IT. having my crotch manipulated. I am in a controlled relationship. And only orgasm with my partner. no masturbating only with him. And I;m okay with it. If you liked orgasming with your parent or someone that is your business. The question is, will YOU do it to your daughter?
I love my partner and you know what? i dealt with my trauma the best way and if my sex life is a little bit deranged who is to say I’m not functioning right or that what happened to me is a bad thing? I was in foster care and was molested there too. I am beginning to wonder if it is normal. and it is psychiatrist who swindle us into thinking it is wrong. I wasn’t ashamed until i was TOLD it was wrong. Who can say it is wrong I’ve seen other kids from other countries who have incestuous relations and live to have a healthy lifestyle. so who is right and who is wrong? There are child molesters and killers. There are grown women who get raped and it’s wrong because they are harmed but what if they are seduced in an enticing way by a man who wants them? And the man makes them orgasm do you think she would complain as much? So I have some controversy on this. Jesus from the bible married a prostitute. Mary Magdalene but someone altered the Bible so we wouldn’t know. Priest are having sex with children…what about them? And how about Teachers, Doctors and other form of practices who have sex with children? our governor was holding a prostitute ring. So it is all confusing. I don’t harm my vagina though. I see others have, I was penetrated by my father but don’t remember the pain I remember a lot of stimulation and masturbating. I’ve never molested a child…I just fantasize about my sexual encounters and I orgasm that’s it, I do however love my partner and I think of him too and make love to him b/c I love him. He is much of an introvert as I am. Only thing is he is a nerdy type of guy with an ingenious mind.
Sexual relations with a child is ALWAYS wrong because a child is not old enough to consent to such a relationship.
- Faith
I am a survivor of sexual abuse by my father from age 9 to 18.
I am now 23.
I had tons of sexual experiences with my father and I got addicted to the orgasm and the closness and lots of other things that I thought as love.
I remember sitting on his lap .I remember him fondling my crotch throug my majama.It felt very good.
I hate me.
[...] abuse, problems with sex after sexual abuse One my most popular blog entries is one entitled Orgasm during Rape or Other Form of Sexual Abuse. In the comments, Palucci posted the following: I woke up this morning. I realized something else [...]
When I was 11, my father made me orgasm during sexual abuse. He managed to bring me to orgasm -my first one.
I thought I would never be able to tell – except here.
Thank you for you honest blogs, i never thought anyone would understand how i felt. I also was abused by my father and felt guilty about this nice feeling in such awful circumstances.[although i never came and still haven't im 22]
Interestingly i have been diagnosed as bipolar and DID but still waiting treatment, maybe once im better i can have a normal sex life?
I am 22 yr old male. I was molested by my brother when I was around 5 years old. He made me perform oral on him. I do not remember it at all until my other brother told me what had happened many years later. Lately I been finding myself wanting to give oral on other guys, so I would masturbate about it and then I would feel very guilty and hate myself after climax. I don’t think I’m gay because I don’t like men at all. Just feel the urge to perform oral on them sometimes. I really don’t want to do it but then sometimes I just get that uncontrollable urge to do it. Is there anything I can do to control this urge besides seeing a therapist? I just want to live a normal life and be normal like other people! Why did this happen to me!!
Hi, Johnny. Welcome to my blog. :0)
What you are feeling is normal. This is a normal aftereffect for sexual abuse survivors. I strongly recommend that you see a therapist. I did not want to do it, either, but it was the best decision I ever made.
Another option (which I would do along with therapy) is work through the Survivor to Thriver Manual:
http://www.lulu.com/content/405515
This workbook walks you through the healing process. It will help you understand how much the sexual abuse has affected your life and help you to heal from the past.
Take care,
- Faith
Rape and physical abuse of women is sadly common. Many of my female friends have been raped or physically abused, or both.It is a fact that some women actually orgasm as a result of rape, although not common, it would be hard to admit if it did happen I’m sure. I know someone who was raped for a long time by more than one guy:she was drinking and they pulled a “train” on her. At some point her body responded and she obviously had orgasm after orgasm, which just gave the guys more incentive and made them rationalize that she really liked it. She said it went on probably for hours, and she had “many” very intense orgasms. She said she was aware and embarrassed that her verbal and bodily reactions(shaking and arching) were happening, but she couldn’t help it. Worse, it was by some people she knew. she said she walked around in a daze for weeks, and everyone acted like nothing happened…horrible. She later had a husband that beat her regularly and screwed her 2 – 3 times a day. She said many times she would try not to orgasm, but he would always make her cum so hard that it was obvious, and usually more than once. I loved and had incredible sex with this woman because she trusted me, but she is deeply damaged from her experiences and I beieve is terrified of comitment and real, normal love. We saw each other for only a few months. This is a true story. I wish it wasn’t.
I hate admitting this…but certain things he was doing to me did feel good. I couldn’t wait for him to get his hands on me.
I have been molested by my father between the age of 8-14.
He showered with me ,rubbing my vagina. I had experienced my first orgasm from his touch,which may be the hardest thing to deal with.
The problem I have is I never told him to stop and my body was really responding to his touch.
I hate myself.
Amanda,
I am sorry that you feel this way. The hatred you feel is from your abusers. You are lovable and deserve to be loved.
Hang in there.
- Faith
Thank you.
i have been obsessing lately about any and everything to do with sexual abuse. I am 26 and my dad sexually abused me from the age of 2 till a few years ago. i feel like i am responsible expecially because i let it go on for so long and techniquely i was a consenting adult. but i wasnt he had me so scared and brainwashed i would have done anything to temporilary relieve the stress of wondering when he was gonna strike again. i thought i was bad for liking it he told me i was he said he did it for me. it is very helplful to see that there are other people who feel the way i do like my body betrayed me for enjoying something that was so hurtful in many ways. i have been in therapy for years but i have just gotten to the place where i am able to dip my toe in the water with my abuse issues. i feel so ashamed and guilty and when ever i start to talk about something that evokes a feeling i either dissociate or have a flashback. question some times i have body memories of my dad abusing me and i get aroused. i also sometimes get aroused just talking about it in therapy is that normal. cuz it makes it really hard to want to talk about those things and i am arfraid to let my therapist know what is going on inside my body because i worry she might be disgusted.
A different kind of abuse? I’ve always struggled with whether or not I was “truly” abused by my father. I do have one memory where parts are clear as day, and parts are totally blank, along with a feeling that “something” happened there, but have never had any insights. But what I do remember, and HATE, is that my dad was WAY TOO open about sexual things, and would actually tell us that masturbating was a normal and natural part of growing up and even gave us books on what happens to our bodies. I was 14 when my massager found it’s way to my vagina and I went from “oh, that feels good” to orgasm rather quickly. I was hooked. Now, some background is that I am a member of a Christian religion that frowns on masturbation, stating that those feelings are only to be entertained between a man and women legally married. I thought marraige would cure me of the habit, but since I have yet to orgasm during intercourse, I often find myself “practicing” and still find it to be a wonderful release that I often associate with falling asleep. My marriage is good, and I would say the sex is good, too. I never orgasm during, but he holds me after while I use a vibrator to reach orgasm. I have dealt with years of conflicting emotions over my “problem” and have even had both laymen and clergy counseling. Sometimes I would stop for awhile, but after a time, I always start again. I was naive enough in the rest of life, that if my father hadn’t pushed the normalcy of it, I don’t think I would have even known what orgasm was until I married. I still wonder if something else happened when I was much younger, but so far nothing had surfaced.
At the age of 5 I was raped by my baby sitters boy friend and many times after. I always orgasmed, but it didn’t feel like what others say their’s feel like. Mine hurt…alot. Weird thing is I really liked the pain and craved more and more. I am now a sex addict. I have ptsd and bi polar. It sucks sometimes, I feel like I’m crazy taking all the meds I do. I can’t even sleep without meds from the nightmares. My mom didn’t find out till I was 14 (i am 15 now) and then it was already to late. One of the reasons I kept this from my mom is he told me my mom told him to do it and if I didn’t let him my mom would never love me again. Sometimes I hate myself for not being strong enough to stop him.
I read all the above shameful acts performed by the elder people to their young ones. those people who comitted rapes on their children can rightly be called beasts.If all of us will understand that the children r angels and it is our moral duty to understand our children,if then have picked up th wrong ways we must correct them as they don’t know what they r doing.If such abuses remained continue then it will be a nuisance to our social life and a threat to our nation.
I fully understand what everyone is saying here, and this is an issue that has haunted me my entire adult life. It has directly impacted my healing process.
My stepfather began abusing me when I was 11 and by the time I was 12 it had progressed to full intercourse. I hated that I would always orgasm when he raped me, usually several times. I hated the fact that he so enjoyed my responses to what he was doing to me. I felt (then and for years later) that I couldn’t live with myself.
It was a constant struggle inside my young mind that I enjoyed the abuse and sometimes even initiated it, but was so embarrassed and guilty about wanting it. I remember that I found it difficult to orgasm while we were face to face since I didn’t want him to see my reactions — yet I wanted the orgasms nevertheless. I would turn myself over at the earliest opportunity so he could enter me from behind. This way I could reach orgasm with him easily. At least that way I wouldn’t have to look him in the face and he couldn’t see mine. It used to really get him going that I wanted to have sex in this position, and that I would “offer” myself this way. I would always feel like dirt afterwards, but yet somehow still look forward to next time.
This has impacted my entire sex life and all personal relationships with men. As an adult I find it VERY difficult to orgasm with a partner. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, my step-father was rather well “endowed”, and I thought for years that the size of my partners (in comparison) was why I couldn’t enjoy sex. Through therapy I’ve realized that it was the experience itself that damaged me.
Thanks so much for this site and the support that is offered here for survivors.
I was molested by my father from 12 to 15. When he touchd me in certain places, I got wet, got off.
I really wanted him to stop…but I liked that feeling.
For me it started when my dad was tickling me. I was 10 years old I think when he would come home from work and tickle me before my mom got home. Then one time he came in my room after work and I was only in my panties. That must have triggered something because he stopped tickling me and performed oral sex on me. I orgasmed that first time. It felt so powerful. Every single day during the school week as soon as my dad came home from work brought me into his bedroom and had oral sex on me always ending in me orgasming. This happened for several months before I had to return the favor for him. Over all my dad had oral sex with me until I turned 15 years old.
I was sexual abused at age 12. My father managed to bring me to orgasm.
I can’t have orgasm now unless I imagine what happened in my body.
I was a foster child and abused at 2yrs old by 3 people in the foster home up until the age of 4. Then i was adopted by my adpotive mom and was molested and raped by my uncle from 5 until 19. I am 21 now. i feel so ashamed. He gave me attention that my father didnt give me. I am confused because I feel like I love him and miss him. He started raping me vaginally with his penis and other objects when I was 8 and i feel like its my fault because I had allowed it for so long. It became a part of my life. I hate myself because of it. I dont know what to do.
I feel guilty that I led a completely double life during the years I was being abused. I was this skinny little girl with no curves, still playing with Barbies, but at the same time I was obsessed with sex and acted like a total slut whenever my stepfather touched me. I giggled with my friends and pretended to be a normal young teen, but I’d already had full “adult” sex many many times with my abuser. It still seems I must have had a role to play because of my responses to what was happening. I’ve fought this guilt my entire life.
Hi, Alice.
Your body reacting to the sexual stimulation, just as it was wired to do. Your abuser is fully responsible for awakening your sexuality when you were just a little girl. It was not your fault.
Hang in there.
- Faith
It just feels so twisted that the best sexual experiences of my life were with my stepfather. I have never been so aroused as I was with him, and I’ve never enjoyed sex as much as I did with him – not even close. It makes me sick that he essentially ruined my chances of having a fulfilling sex life as an adult. I remember times when we’d have sex for hours and I would have more orgasms than I could count. I loved every sick minute of it, even though my lust always embarrassed me terribly. At times I wish I was more like other posters on this forum who only vaguely remember their abuse. I guess at 11-15 years old I was too old to block out the memories. Or maybe I remember it all because I enjoyed it. I don’t know anymore. Thanks for listening.
My uncle was the fun uncle who played games with us when our perants didnt want to. He lived with my Dad (My perants divorced when I was a baby.) and we all loved him, he was our favorite. One day when my brother and I were staying over at my dads house, my Dad had gone out, I’m not sure where to. I was still tired cause we’d stayed up late watching a movie, I wanted to go back to bed but my brother was in the room listeding to his music. Being a naive eleven year old I thought nothing about going into my uncles room and hoping into his bed. After all when ever we stayed ad dads I either shared a bed with my brother or my father as it was a very small two bedroom flat. I woke to a rubbing feelling against my groin. At first I didnt know what was happening, I was still half asleep, but it felt nice and I think I smiled. Then I heard my uncle ask me if I liked it.I paniced when I realised that he was rubbing himself against me and I felt horrible because it did feel nice and a part of me wanted him to keep doing it. When he took his penis out of his pants and tried to make me touch him I freaked out and pushed him away. I was able to get out of the bed. He called after me but I ran out of the room. I called my Mum and asked her to come and pick me up but I wouldn’t say why. While I sat outside and waited for her my Dad came back but I wouldn’t speak to him. When my Mum got there I ran to the car and got in. All I could say was “Uncle touched me” but she understood what I ment. I wanted to leave but she made me go inside with her and tell my Dad what had happend. I wanted them to tell me that it was allright and that he’d never touch me again but insted they told me that families should forgive each other and that we couldn’t tell anyone what had happenend because the bible says that you shouldn’t say bad things about your family. My older brother was still in the other room listening to the stereo with his head phones on and my perants said that I could never tell him because there was no point in us both hating him. I felt horrible, as if it was all my fault and that my perants could tell just by looking at me that what he’d done had felt good, that for a moment I had enjoyed it. When i was getting my things to go we realised that some of my things for school were in my uncles room. My perant told me to go and get my stuf. I didn’t want to but they looked at me as if I was being silly. I left the door wide open and krept into the room. My uncle was passed out by now and I didn’t want to wake him. My brother finally came out of the other room and asked what I was doing. I told him just getting my stuff don’t shut the door. Ofcorse he shut it, I screamed and threw my self at the door I was so freaked that it took me a while to open the door. my brother thought it was real funny, he didn’t know why I was acting like this. My perants finally came and told me to stop being so stupid. By the time we left dads and got home it was allmost dinner time. When I went to bed I couldnt sleep, I still needed to be comforted, to be told that it wasn’t my fault. I went out to the lounge to see mum. “I cant sleep, I’m scared and I feel yuck” I said. She let me stay up a while longer but insted of the words of comfort I needed to hear she told me that I was being silly and that at my age I was too old to be sleeping in the same bed as my dad and uncle and that I should never let them see me naked. This was not what I needed to hear at that moment and I couldn’t understand why she didn’t atleast hug me and tell me that she still loved me. The week went by and it wasn’t spoken about again. When the weekend came and it was time to go to dads again I wasnt too worried I thought that dad wouldv’e made uncle leave and that I wouldnt have to see him but I was wrong. When we got there Dad told us that he spoken to Uncle and that he didn’t remember doing it. He had been too drunk. Dad said that he told him that if he came home drunk again he would have to move out. I couldn’t believe it. That was it? Don’t come home drunk? That was supposed to make me feel better? If I wanted to see my father I had to put up with this man who had mollested me. I didn’t know what to say. From then on I started getting rude to my uncle, ignoring him, answering back I couldn’t stand him and it was obvious. But no one knew why. My brother asked “why are you being such a bitch to uncle?” I couldnt tell him and it made me worse. My uncle didnt stop drinking and still came home drunk. He mollested me again and this time I didnt tell anyone. I didn’t know what to say and I thought that noone would believe it had happend again. He had said that he didnt remember but he started doing things like sticking lollys or chewing gum into my mouth whenever i had to kiss him. He allways kissed me on the mouth. They were allways wet and I had to wipe his saliver off. I’m twenty eight now and Ive never had a boyfriend. I cant stand the thought of trusting a man. I can’t orgasm, I havnt since that first time with my uncle. The closest ive come is with a vibrator but i can only get to a certain point befoe i freeze and i cant stand to even touch myselif. I hate being touched, by anyone. Even my own daughter, (I got pregnant threw a one night stand). Being prenant was nine months one week and twenty five hours of being constantly touched. I have to force myself to hug her, im scared ill make her as screwed up as me. Im scared that one day she might be raped or mollested and she wont think ill believe her. I make sure that I tell her every day that i love her and that ill allways be there for her no matter what. Im even more scared of having relationships now because i think what if i bring a man into our home and he hurts her? It would be my fault. I’m still angry at my perants for what happened. Im more angry at them then my uncle for the way they treated me. My relationship with my dad is muntted. I feel like he blames me for what happened if he even believes me. Nothing I do is right or good enough and I hardly ever see him even though we live in the same town. My relationship with my mum is better, weve talked about it a bit but she allways gets upset and i feel even more guilty. I know she loves me but some times i want to scream at her and dad, “You were wrong! The way you acted was wrong! The way you made me feel was wrong! You screwed up! It wasnt my fault why do you treat me like it is? Why couldnt you just hug me and tell me that i didn’t deserve it and that you still loved me? why do you have make me feel like Im too blame?”
Phht, I dont event know if this has helpped me any. I thought telling some one would make me feel better but now all I feel is sad and angry and hurt… and still guilty. Its late but if i sleep i know ill dream about it. Ill wake up still upset get my daughter ready and take her to school then come home and churn it all over in my head. All the what ifs all the things i wish i could say to my mum my dad my uncle. The crap whole my life has become. I dont know, maybe this will help, I hope so I dont know what else to do.
Sophie,
Just wanted you to know, some random person read your story online. And I understand your pain, even being a guy. Not that I would ever truly “fell” your pain. Take care.
Random Person
Hi, Sophie.
I am glad that you shared your story. No, you did NOT deserve that, and your parents handled the situation TERRIBLY. If you had been my daughter, I would have told you that it wasn’t your fault, reassured you, hugged you, and found you a good therapist. As soon as I knew you were safely supervised, I would have gone back to your uncle, scratched his eyes out, and made it clear that I would KILL him if he ever came near you again. Then, I would see a lawyer banning your uncle from being near you and refuse to let you visit your father unless the visits were supervised to make sure you were not left in the care of your uncle.
I strongly encourage you to find a good therapist with experience in working with people who have been sexually abused. If you are not yet ready to take this step, I strongly suggest that you read the books “The Courage to Heal” and the “Survivor to Thriver” manual. I have links to both on the right side of the screen under “Book Resources.”
You can heal from this. Yes, it was terrible, but your uncle has already taken your childhood — don’t let him take the rest of your life. The best protection you can offer your daughter is to heal yourself.
Hang in there.
- Faith
Why is my email still showing when i click onto this website?
Hi, Sophie.
I sent you an email about this.
- Faith
Is this only about child sexual abuse?? I was sexually abused as a child, but I wanted to write about the most recent incident by my former female therapist.
Hi, Jill.
Many child abuse survivors are re-abused in adulthood.
Take care,
- Faith
I was sexually abused raped and molested the first 20 years of my life,I am 24 now, probly by every boy or man I ever knew besides my father my family 2 this day does not know the extent to how much or how bad I was abused they know some but not all. I grew up thinking those touchy feely tingly feelings were bad and 2 this day I struggle with relationships and sex I hate sex I want 2 enjoy it but I feel bad about it it took me at least a year 2 hug my current boyfriend 3 years later I still can’t kiss him I grew up praying 2 be fat so that no man would ever touch me I’m overwheight and have been my whole teenage years it didn’t stop any man
Niki,
I am a man, but I know something about what happened to you and the results in your relationships–all of them. I was in a relationship with someone who was honest enough to say some of the things you touched on. THANK YOU FOR YOUR COURAGE AND HONESTY–IT MATTERS TO ME, YOU, AND MANY OTHERS! There is hope. There are many selfish and uninterested predators and Jerks—but there is more real love and hope for you and all of us. Healing and true freedom are possible for YOU. It is real. The Person of true love has never turned His face from you and never will. And even though I don’t know you I love you–don’t give up, don’t believe the lies…you are loved and worthy of being loved–no matter how you feel. I thank God for you. You will be in my prayers. God bless you.
This is a test message before I pour out my soul. I want to say volumes to all of you and share but I am not sure if there is a special registration required.
OK, it appears that my comments will indeed go through. I will not be repetitive other than to confirm that many of us (for whatever sick perverse reason) seem to have endured not one but MULTIPLE accounts of molestation, fondling, and abuse. I have been shaped by the guilt, the shame, the “responsible” confusion, the lack of understanding, and the mess that goes along with abuse. I suffer from OCD because I need to CONTROL aspects of my existence. It is not uncommon for us to experience that, but what concerns me is that many of you do REALLY need good group therapy or resolution for your experiences, and it seems that you have not received it. I hurt for you because you HAVE to understand how this has affected you. You don’t need to carry the shame and DEFINITELY not any guilt.
At a VERY young age, I began to DEPEND on orgasms as a normal part of life. I remember that sensation of having to “urinate” and actually doing so a couple of times. To make a long story short, I grew up sexually addicted and would SEXUALIZE EVERYTHING, and I do mean EVERYTHING. As a child, I would look at pictures in mags (even Reader’s Digest), or I would be in CHURCH, and look around at who would be pretty or handsome enough to “hump” to get that good feeling. Gender did not matter, because my abusers were male AND female. I even considered the female “targets” easier conquests because of the direct stimulation during the process of “frotting or tribadism”, BUT I do not consider myself gay. I just depend on orgasms like drug addicts depend on their chosen drug.
Am I at a point where I am OKAY with this? Absolutely not. I have accepted WHY I need the sensation, and I live my life according to it. As a matter of fact, my bizarre fantasies I use if I have DIFFICULTY reaching climax are the ones reaching back to abuse by a cousin because his actions took me to that point quickly. I later learned that he had been abused as well, which is also common.
I have been abused by so many people, probably because of the environment, the OVER trusting relatives I have….you know, that as long as you are with family, you are SAFE??!!
I masturbate quite often, and I have to hold back the very extreme comments I want to make in order to make sex as dirty as I remember it as a child, because I do not want to push my husband away. He only knows me as a sexual being, but does not know the extent of what I have to think about just to be sexually satisfied. I have convinced myself that it will be like this forever.
TO the young lady who says that she is “turned on” reading this. I feel sad for you because you believe that it is alright and that this is a site for seeking pleasure. We are here for you to relate to, to understand that you had no role in the initiation of your abuse, and to help you understand that MOST of us have unhealthy triggers for arousal, but that we are, for lack of a better word, not proud of this. It is what it is, and although I hate to consider us damaged, we are victims just dealing with this the best way we know how. If you truly are “excited” by reading this, be careful not to accept that without wanting to find out why.
I will return to comment again, because it has helped me, and I want to be here for those of you who have yet to LOVE the inner you again. It is ESSENTIAL, and I do want you to hang on to hope that you can nurture what good has come out of your lives.
Ally
My brother molested me from the time I was 5 until my mid teens. He used to tell me “dont tell mom or dad they will be very angry at us” so I never told, but that makes me feel responisble also for what we did. To this day I wonder why didnt I tell?? He was 5 years older then I, and I do not know if he was abused or if he was using me as a play thing for his sexual curiosity, we never talked about it. He started by rubbing his genitals against mine, or what you could call “dry humping” until I was the age of 8. Then he fully penetrated me my bum and started having anal sex with me. I know it hurt but I dont remember that feeling. Once he started doing that he began doing this to me every night, and what is worse is that I began to enjoy it. I felt strange like I was being bad, like I was doing this, consenting to it. I felt like I let my parents down even though they had no idea this was happening. It was not long before he had vaginal sex with me. I am so mad at him for taking my virginity. That was mine to give to someone special and he took it away. What is worse is I let him. Why did I let him? Why did I let this go on for so long? He was my big brother, I looked up to him and wanted to be like him. I am embarrassed and ashamed that I enjoyed the feelings as he did this to me, is that why I let him? It sickens me to admit I had some of the best orgasms I ever had with him. He was my brother, I loved him and I knew he loved me, but still I knew inside this was all very wrong. The day I told him no more, this is wrong he left me alone and never did it again. Why couldnt I do that in the beginning, then he would not have taken my virginity! I know, you will say that I was too young when it began, but this still confuses me badly. It feels like it was consentual because I was old enough to know it was wrong when I reached my teens, but I still let him continue to have sex with me, and even sometimes initiated it. This messes with my head. I avoid him as an adult, I cant look him in the eye and we never ever talked about it like it never happened. I feel angry like I hate him for this, but I am more embarrassed and ashamed with myself for not stopping it until I was so old. I am also confused, should I blame him or feel bad for him also? He was a lot older than me but he was a child too when this began so i am torn. I am relieved I never got pregnant. My sexual life is unusual now. When I started having sex with others I gave myself too freely, probably because I had nothing special to give, it had already been taken. I slept with many partners, men and women, and can not have meaningful relationships. My problem now is that I feel like I am perverted. I like bdsm, to dominate and be dominated, and I like pain. Anal sex or anything reminding me of my youth strangely has become a huge turn on to me. Because of that arousal I still have I can not purge the feelings I have, the guilt, the shame to this day, and I blame this for my not having a meaningful relationship. My brother has never had a serious relationship either and we are both in our 40s now. Is it normal for an incest survivor to grow up with these sexual behaviors? I never told anyone my story until now but it haunts me every day of my life. I dont know if he is to blame or if we both are, but we are both messed up from this.
Hi.
I am glad you had the courage to share your story. Everything you shared is a normal reaction to sexual abuse.
As an adult, it is hard to appreciate the difference of five years between siblings. When siblings are four or more years apart, the younger sibling frequently views the older sibling as an authority figure rather than as a peer. So, you would not have felt the freedom to say no to your brother any more than you would have to your parent.
Also, with ongoing sexual abuse, you revert back to the age you were when it started, so you cannot hold the teenage you accountable for reacting like the young child. The last time I remember my mother sexually abusing me, I was 17 years old. I could have fought her off easily, but I didn’t because I reverted back emotionally to that helpless toddler. I did not know that saying no was an option.
I strongly suggest that you find a qualified therapist with experience in working with incest survivors. You can heal from all of this pain.
Take care,
- Faith
As I sit and reflect, I must mention that the CONTROL my mother inflicted upon me with physical oppression (and four sneaky instances of sexual advances), I can’t help but feel stifled when she does it now in different ways. When no one is around, like just now on the phone, she FORCES me to listen to her, even though I am doing something else, or in this case, I was fast asleep. My daughter currently has health concerns, and I need all the sleep I can get in order to recharge, and I begged my mother to let me get BACK to sleep, and she started asking me stupid questions like, “so you don’t think I have a life too?” She has always been about this secret control that she does not allow people to witness, and it makes me feel helpless all over again. I am in my mid forties, and she chastises me and does not want me talking to ANYONE, even her mother nor my father’s mother. We always keep it a secret if I call them, because she wants to know anytime I talk to either of my grandmothers, who are both widows and all alone.
One remembrance I have of her trying to control me physically, was when I was visiting her after I joined the military (to get away from her), and she had a king-sized bed which was the only bed in her studio. It was about two a.m. and she thought that she could get away with trying to spoon me and slowly roll over on top of me. I elbowed her swiftly, and she realized that I was alert, so she pretended to be asleep. She is one person that I don’t want around me, but I can’t seem to successfully keep her from coming to see me. I live 1200 miles from her, and she will set up trips without my knowledge. She denies the bed incident, and she denies an instance when we were traveling, and I woke up with her face between my legs (I was fully clothed, thank God), but she was using my crotch as a pillow, and my legs had been spread in my sleep. I was 16 then. I really despise her!
Hi, Ally.
When I entered into therapy, my homework every week was setting and enforcing boundaries. It took me a long time to understand and appreciate that I did not have to have **anyone** in my life that did not want in it. I don’t have to answer the phone. I can hang up on someone if she does not respect me when I say, “I have to go.” I don’t have to have **anyone** stay in my house that I don’t want.
Yes, it is hard to get there, but I did, and you can, too. The things that your mother is doing are completely inappropriate at best, and you don’t have to put up with it.
Are you in therapy? A good therapist can help you learn how to set and enforce boundaries with her. (Moving 1200 miles away was a good step!)
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Hi, I’ve never posted here before. I don’t even know if this post belongs here. But I really appreciated your article…. I’ve been dealing with these issues for only a few days. (I was raped when I was 13 also, but did not orgasm then.) Stereotypically, I work as a stripper now, and for the first time in my two years of dancing, I found myself not in control of my situation during a private dance. While I was straddling him, he had my arms pinned to my sides, and he had my top pulled to the side so he could suck on my nipple and flick it with his tongue. I was fighting with him, as I didn’t want him touching me, but I started to feel an unexpected orgasm starting. I felt disgusted, but also that I couldn’t stop it, because his groin was rubbing on mine. I wanted to cry, but I leaned in closer so maybe he wouldn’t hear my panting getting short. I can’t get the mental image of his tongue out of my head, it’s awful. When the dance was done (lasted 12 minutes) I just demanded money from him and went straight to the bathroom and cried. I can’t tell my boyfriend. I can’t talk to the other dancers. I can’t tell anyone.
Your post made me cry again. And I’m sure I’ll cry more later. But I know that I didn’t choose for it to happen. I know I didn’t want it. Even though I’m fairly grown (21), it still confused me, made me feel humiliated. I haven’t felt like this since I was 13 and a 16 year old stole my virginity. At least that time I only hated myself for not fighting back. I didn’t tell anyone until I was 19.
Again, I’m sorry if you find this as inappropriate or irrelevant, and I’m sorry I went on for so long. I just needed to say it. Thank you.
Hi, Fi.
I am sorry that you went through that. Have you considered entering into therapy to deal with your issues? Nobody has the right to use your body like that, whether you work as a stripper or not.
Hi,
I have repressed memories & body memories of the incest between my grandfather and I that began when I was 3. I have learned how to cope with the body memories and visual/auditory flashbacks safely (it’s still, of course, not easy, or pretty–it hurts like hell), however, I have yet to figure out quite how to have flashbacks of the feelings of terror, emotional pain, etc. and ground myself quickly. Also, after I had a flashback today I explored issues related to the shame I felt about the hypersexuality I had as a little girl, which I shared with my best friend who is also a trauma survivor.
I have no problem at this point of my recovery logically and emotionally acknowledging that all of my childhood abuse was wrong on the part of the perpetrator and that I was an innocent child. However, I cannot seem to move beyond the shame and disgust I have for the fact that I was pleasuring myself almost a decade before pre-teens/teens start exploring that avenue. I was a “pro” at it by the time I was 6. By the time I was 8, I was terrified of being physically close to little girls who were much younger (around the age of my abuse) than I, for fear that I would somehow hurt them, even though I would never ever do so. I am 27 now, and it has taken until this year to even “say aloud” the last two things. Talking about both of them make me physically nauseous.
All I want is to deny that anything happened, but 1) there is so much evidence to the contrary (including the fact that my grandma says it’s highly likely & probable that I was molested by my grandfather (but she insists, no intercourse, regardless of what I feel in my body memories)–he’d been molesting girls in and close to the family for 60 years) and 2) how much is denial going to aid in my recovery? It’s not, and yet I deny any abuse at least twice a week to my T or one of the very few friends I will talk @ my abuse with.
Four year olds don’t naturally know how to give themselves an orgasm. They explore, ask questions; but do not innately as little children know how to do *that* to themselves. While I don’t remember based on flashbacks that I orgasmed during my abuse, it’s horrifying to know it’s a very real possibility considering I knew how to bring myself to orgasm barely out of nursery school. I hate that he stole my innocence, caused me so much pain–physically & emotionally then AND now, and that what happened is potentially going to destroy my career (I am a medical student [currently on medical leave] studying to be a physician) that I worked SO hard for. Thank you to all the survivors who posted their experiences and shared the truth, which we are so often told never ever to tell. And thank you, Faith, for providing an open forum for a very difficult topic (and for the trigger warning!).
Wishing you all peace and safety, Joy