One thing that triggers me about being sick is the fear of not being believed. Even though I am pushing forty years old, I feel like a little kid when I go in to see the doctor. I just know that he is going to accuse me of “faking” my illness and send me along my way. While the adult part of myself knows that this is not going to happen, there is still a wounded inner child part of myself that fears that I will not be believed.
This happened when I went to see the doctor about this sinus infection. I did not know what was wrong with me. I feared that it might be the flu or some sort of severe cold. I was sleeping 16+ hours a day, which is clearly not normal.
The doctor checked my throat first and said that must be the secondary symptom, which I heard as “I caught you faking your first symptom.” He then looked in my ear and saw fluid but no infection, which I heard as “You are overreacting to this, too.” Then, he looked in my nose and said, “Oh, yeah. You have a sinus infection. Let’s talk antibiotics.” Then, I knew that he believed me.
It doesn’t help that hub gets really stressed out whenever I get sick. Any time I tell him that I am getting sick, he says, “No, you’re not,” as if I cannot identify a cold in my own body. I know that is just about his own junk and has nothing to do with what is going on today with me, but it feeds my insecurities about not being believed. Until I start canceling commitments, hub does not even believe me when I say that I am sick.
I know that all of these issues are about me and not about hub. I am the one who still has all sorts of issues arising out of being under the weather. It never ceases to amaze me the degree to which child abuse permeates every area of your life.
Related Topic:
Trauma Tuesday: Traumatized Children and Frequent or Inconvenient Illnesses
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
i know im sorry youve been sick. sometimes i wonder why i fight. sometimes i want to just give up.
For me, the answer is sheer stubbornness. I refuse to let my abusers win. :0)
- Faith
My therapist says that I have the gift of understatement which fits when I am sick. I used to constantly have sinus infections and have had 6 surgeries. Now, I am better, but I know how badly they feel and I believe you…stay in bed rest.
I also just discovered you blog and can identify with most of the things that you write about. Although I am not, DID I know that just one change in the environment and I would have been. Sometimes, my disassociating comes close. But, what I am discovering is that they types of abuse I experienced seem only to be really understood by those with DID. And, I relate to their abuse experiences. Thank you for writing your blog. And, I will be back to read some more, but I’ve had a tough day.
Take care,
~Clueless
Welcome to my blog. :0)
From what I have observed after reading hundreds of abuse survivors’ stories, the ones who develop DID tend to be those whose severe and ongoing abuse began when they were younger than six years old. If your abuse (or your severe and ongoing abuse) began after that time, then that could explain why you did not fragment into DID.
I know some people who split into two parts — a child part that holds the unmet needs and pain — and the adult part that tried to flee from that. They are not diagnosed as DID because they experience their splits differently.
Also, there is a wide range of dissociative disorders that are severe on the dissociation spectrum (more severe than PTSD) but not technically DID, such as dissociative disorder-not otherwise specified (DD-NOS).
Thanks for leaving a comment. :0)
- Faith
It began in infancy and got worse as I became older. I remember being two and thinking about not wanting to be anywhere…my first suicidal thought. I don’t have a dissociative disorder NOS either. My therapist thinks that my resiliantcy and having a little bit of my grandfather was the key, but he also says that I could have easily become DID. I don’t mean to minimize your experience. I think just being aware makes me realize how severe my abuse actually was. Thanks for letting me ramble. I hope you are feeling better.
I am feeling better, thanks. :0)
My sister and I endured the same abuses, and hers started very young (18 months) as well. She is not DID, either. That absolutely floors me because I know that I could not have survived it without fragmenting. But you did and she did, so clearly it can be done.
That does not mean that your abuse or hers was any less severe. You just processed it differently.
Take care,
- Faith
Thank you and take care.
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