I really hate the word “incest.” I often hear people talk about “rape or incest” as if they are two different things. Yes, I understand that the use of the word “incest” is to specify that the abuser was blood-related to the victim. However, incest is rape in most cases. By separating out the word “incest” from “rape,” it makes incest sound innocuous when it is anything but.
Dictionary.com provides the following definitions for incest:
- Sexual intercourse between closely related persons.
- Sexual relations between persons who are so closely related that their marriage is illegal or forbidden by custom.
- Sexual intercourse between persons too closely related to marry (as between a parent and a child).
There are other definitions provided as well. None of them include that the sexual contact is by force.
I did not enter into a consensual sexual relationship with my mother as a toddler. She raped me. I have been raped by both men and women, so I am in a position to say with certainty that the sexual contact forced by both men and women is rape. The sexual abuse is just as horrible and degrading regardless of whether a woman or a man is perpetrating the abuse.
I refuse to allow another person to water down what I experienced by calling what my mother did to me “incest.” If the term “incest” must be included, then call it “incestuous rape” because that is a more accurate term.
The fact that a sexual abuser is blood-related makes the crime worse, not better. It really bothers me that, when the perpetrator is a blood relative, our language seems to downgrade the level of horror involved. “Rape” carries a punch. “Incest” is fodder for bad jokes about the residents of particular Southern states. There was nothing consensual with what I experienced, so I refuse to apply the word “incest” to what I experienced.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
I have an interesting and different reaction to those words. First, it was and still is difficult for me to say “rape” because it is in the context of violence or force. I have a really tough time with identifying myself as a trauma victim let alone “rape.” However, when the word “incest” is used in social work and counseling (my field of study), it connotates unconsentual, manipulative or forceful sexual abuse of a primary caregiver. So, right now, I can’t even say, “incest,” in the context of my experiences. I think, it is interesting how we differ with each word. I have always lived in the Southern California (Los Angeles basin) area. I wonder if that makes a difference…what part of the country or which country you are from.
wow thanks that was powerful!!!!!! you are right… i was raped,….. alot.
Dictionary.com defines rape as “any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.” That is what I experienced.
I used to tell my therapist that I did not remember my mother threatening me. He said that she did, either through words or deeds, because keeping secrets as a toddler and young child is not developmentally normal. That is so true — Telling my son something is like plastering it on a billboard. Normal child development is telling everything to everyone. I told no one. That’s not normal. In one way or another, it was communicated that I must keep the secret.
Also, if a man can rape a woman through intimidation of his size relative to hers (with no weapons, only brute force), how much more intimidating is it for a child to have someone five times her size, who is an authority figure, forcing the sexual contact? That is the threat of violence and force. How can a 40 lb child possibly fight off a 200 lb man?
If embracing the word “incest” is more healing for you, then that is great. I am glad that incest is viewed differently in social work because that is not how it is used in my neck of the woods (in the South). Incest jokes abound. In GA, they say it about AL. In NC, they say it about WV.
I had a hard time embracing the word “trauma,” too. In fact, I was shocked to learn that I had PTSD, even though I clearly had every symptom and then some. My therapist said that mentally ill people try to convince you that they were abused and abuse survivors try to convince you that they were not. The denial and minimizing are part of the symptoms of trauma.
Take care,
- Faith
Faith-
Very interesting last two lines. Denial and minimizing…sigh…makes what I’ve told even more believable.
I actually really have never heard incest being used as a joke that much. For me it has always meant that it sexual abuse of the worst kind because it is forced (overtly or covertly) by someone that is trusted like a mother or father.
Take care. I sounds like you are dealing with some really tough issues that are extremely difficult to look at.
Take care,
Clueless
Hey, Clueless — Maybe you hang around a higher caliber of people, which is why you don’t hear the incest jokes. LOL Count yourself blessed in that regard. :0)
My husband knows about my history of mother-daughter sexual abuse, and yet he will still sometimes tell me incest jokes. It baffles me that he would think that I would find such a thing funny. Whatever.
- Faith
It must be the part of the country that you live in. Either way it is wrong for that to be a cultural norm and a sad statement on society. I do feel blessed, but I’m sure I don’t have higher caliber friends. LOL!!
Take Care,
Clueless
Hi, I just came across your blog and post. I wrestle with the words as well. It was my daughter who was “raped” by her dad. I agree the word fits better. Sometimes the force is physical as mentioned in the comments, but sometimes it is purely mental force and control. My ex-husband barely weighed 120 lbs and he used emotional and mental forces on my daughter. She also says he beat her when no one else was around. Some how he managed to intimidate her enough that she kept it a secret until it almost took her life.
I see a lot what you write in her as you both are traveling the same road, but in different vehicles.
As for the incest jokes and references, I have heard them and I live on the west coast. The jokes come from all over. It is not a joking matter at all. I have walked out of rooms and turned off televisions because the subject was not taken seriously.
Keep writing, keep sharing, and keep healing. The scars will never go away, but perhaps by writing and talking they can be given stitches so they do not hurt as much. Perhaps your words will touch another’s life and help with healing or help prevent a “rape” from happening or cointinuing.
Thank you for writing your blog.
donottellalice
I find the word incest more shocking than rape. I learned my mother was a victim of incest when she was a toddler and I found it so SHOCKING that her abuser was from her own family. I do hear jokes about incest, but usually they refer to “marrying/kissing cousins/siblings”. The word incest seems too serious to imagine it used in a casual joke. I hadn’t realized that incest doesn’t refer to rape. But that’s my first thought.
Yes, the word “incest” is shocking and should be treated as such. Unfortunately, many people do not.
I prefer the term “incestuous rape” because that is what I experienced. That brings home the gravity of what I experienced.
Most child abuse is perpetrated by a family member or close family friend.
- Faith
Faith,
If your husband is telling you incest jokes, he is mentally and emotionally abusing you. You are in an abusive relationship. Maybe he is just unaware of what it does to you; nevertheless, this is unacceptable. I would take a long, hard look at this.
Hi, Rebecca.
Fortunately, he has not done it in a long time. At best, he is clueless. :0(
- Faith