This post is part of a series in which I am providing an overview of my healing process from child abuse. The story begins here.
As I continued to heal from my abusive past, I changed. I experienced an enormous amount of emotional growth. While I felt much better about myself, this rapid growth changed every single relationship in my life. That was challenging and continues to be a challenge to this day.
Relationships start out with a certain dynamic, and there is an expectation that the dynamic will continue indefinitely. The problem is that I am no longer the same person who entered into these relationships, and I am no longer willing to be the passive doormat. All of my relationships changed. Some became much better, but others felt the strain. Some went from what I thought was “really good” to being very challenging. (That was particularly true of family relationships.)
My husband has told me more than once that I am no longer the woman he married. He’s right – I’m not. I told him that I would understand if he wanted out, but he doesn’t. He wants me back the way I was, where I lived to make him happy and protect him from getting upset about life in general. That is not who I am any longer, and I cannot go back to that place. He has changed just enough to make it work, but it is a challenge. I am not the little girl who entered into this marriage many years ago.
I have outpaced many of my long-term friends in emotional growth. This has changed our friendships. There are characteristics that seem like “new” unhealthy behaviors that I have to recognize were always there: I just didn’t want to see them. Some of them are not people I would choose to befriend today, and yet I love them, so it is hard to figure out how to make those relationships work when we are in such very different places. When I love, I love deeply, so I continue to nurture some relationships that really are not the healthiest for me until I reach a place where I have to distance myself because it simply does not work any longer.
And then there are the challenges of new friendships. I have developed some newer friendships over the past year that both thrill me with the possibility of true emotional intimacy while, at the same time, scare the h@#$ out of me because they “see” me. I have always both wanted and feared being seen. These healthier friendships drive home how broken I still am. I am now too healthy for many of my unhealthy friendships to work and yet I feel too broken to trust that the healthy ones will work, which leaves me feeling isolated.
Unfortunately, this continues to be a struggle for me, so I have no answers for those of you in the same place. All I can offer is to travel the path with you.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
I feel like that i used to be top of the ‘screwed-up’ group and now im bottom of the ‘normal’ group.
I also liked staying hidden and being seen aswell. Not sure how im going to be in the future.
I see now that associates want it all their own way. And because im not in a place to help it isnt in their intrests.
Sorry im not spamming replys, just have a problem doing one at the moment it keeps going to ‘page not displayed’.
Just wanted to say that before i became aware, i also wanted to hide and wanted to be seen at the same time.
What does give me hope is that both my physcotherapists hinted that they had been through trauma, and make it clear they now have great lifes, so there is hope.
Also ive had my journey described as a journey between two islands. One is dark and raining all the time, and the other is sunny 24/7, its the journey inbetween thats the hardship.
The way i look at it is this aswell. When im through this i wont be emotionally needy from others. So my friendships will start from level playing field ( i hope ) . And also i wont need that depth of friendship anymore, because ill be a whole person and will get alot of things from myself. I always saw my friends as people who were saving me all the time, who would fight my corner, but i cant remember them ever needing too. Maybe my friends with outer-components to my inner mind – my inner mind was full of little different me’s who were ready to fight the world at any moment. And i viewed my friends in this way aswell.
Most of my closer friends i believe to have been abused aswell ( i dont like using the word friend lol).
Ive been thinking about this alot this last week. Whats important is my boundaries – as long as they are in place and are good, then whatever anyone else does wont effect me.
This is all stuff im hoping to happen! Im not pretending to know any answers whatsoever!
Your writing’s are great, i really hope you write a book on this, im sure it would be sucessful. There arent many around that go into the depth that you are talking.
[...] My Healing Process from Child Abuse: Changes in My RelationshipsThis post is part of a series in which I am providing an overview of my healing process from child abuse. The story begins here. As I continued to heal from my abusive past, I changed. I experienced an enormous amount of emotional … [...]
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I really struggle with this issue of friendship. One of my closest friends (and later, another entered making us a trio) has turned out to be…something unhealthy. NOt sure how to explain. Very controlling, and sexually aggresive, but not in a way I was able to recognize until lately (and she’s been out of my life for almost two years). Another friend had severe DID and I was, for some reason, put in the place of caretaker as a fifteen year old, so not healthy either. I have one friend who I consider a healthy relationship, and I am extremely grateful for her! And my husband is my closest friend.
I want friendships, but like kermitmuppet said, I think I rely too heavily on them for them to be healthy. I want to get to the point where I want friends for fun, and don’t need them for survival anymore.