In my last post, Challenges in the Later Stages of Healing from Child Abuse: “Flash Nows”, I shared that I have been struggling with dealing with some of the realities in my life today. Since I have made the connection between why I have been feeling so lousy lately and what is causing the problem, I am feeling more present than I have in weeks.
The child abuse healing process really is about awakening to your own life. It is about seeing your life for what it is, not what you wanted it to be or pretended that it was. My reality has not changed: It is my perception of my reality that has changed. I did this first with my history of child abuse, and now I am applying the same principles to my life today.
Before I started having flashbacks, I was asleep to the realities of my past. All that I had been through was affecting every single aspect of my life, but I was oblivious to the influence of my past. At its core, dissociative identity disorder (DID) is really just an extreme case of rejecting your own reality. Integrating from DID is awakening to the truths of your past and accepting them as yours. It is about seeing your past for what it was and recognizing that nothing that anyone did to you was able to change the value of who you are.
Now I am in a similar place, only I am awakening to the realities of my present. I have spent my life acting and reacting to what I wanted to believe about the life that I had built for myself. Because my perceptions of my life were so off base from my reality, the reactions I experienced from others did not mesh with what I thought they should be. This caused me to doubt my own intuition continuously. As I am awakening to the reality of my life today, I am understanding why I have experienced the reactions from others that I have.
The reality of my life is that I have chosen to nurture friendships with built-in distance. I have chosen to invest in people who would not see me for who I am, and then I have become frustrated because these people do not “see me.” Of course they don’t see me – I chose them because I did not want to be seen.
I am coming to recognize that many people that I have viewed as “friends” are really “pals.” While I still love them and there is a place for pals in my life, pals are very different from friends. I have been digging in dry wells and wondering why I cannot ever reach any water. I have been investing as a friend into relationships that simply are not friendship material. Awakening to this realization is painful and yet it is also freeing. This frees me to stop setting myself up for continual disappointment.
At the same time, I am awakening to people with real friendship potential who I have pushed away because I believed I did not have room for more friends. I was pushing away the diamonds to protect the cubic zirconium.
Now that I recognize this about myself, I am overwhelmed by the state of my life right now. At the same time, I am excited about the possibilities. My life is finally starting to make more sense.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Hi there,
Although i have had small differences of opinions with a couple of your threads, i totally agree 100% with this one.
Its what im realising myself now. Its pretty crazy because im often at a place which you then refer too! – Its as if your living my life.
Im excited that i can see that the so-called friends i have are just mates. Ive suddenly gained control over these relationships, rather than pouring energy into them, and them being life-savers.
It also opens me up to having proper close friends that full-fill needs in my life!
This is the first time ive felt REAL benefits from the hardwork ive done.
Saying this, im not yet in a place where i can take advantage of any of this, im just glad that im beginning to see stuff for how it is.
Simon
It is a HUGE step to recognize the truth for what it is. I often cannot do something with it right away, either. I need time to process my new perception of reality before I can act on it.
- Faith
Yeah it sure is!
Ive decided to delay judgement on people until im in a more stable place. Because im changing so fast, my opinions of people and life are aswell.
1 day i might see my old ‘friends’ as a hiderance, holding me back. The next day ill see the benefit of just re-defining them as ‘pals’ , and not seeing the need to cut them out my life.
Im hoping ill eventually reach a place where i wont even have to analyse or define relationships, and ill just accept them for what they are, and take what i need from them – This is what i hope for!
I feel like im very childlike at the moment, and have been to a lesser degree most of my life. I used to call people best friends etc etc – which i imagine is more for children? lol. Maybe the ultimate goal is just flowing in life and not having to stick people in boxes? Im not sure, everything for me is very confusing at the moment!
I do believe this is a very good place to be though!
Stay strong, and great thread as usual. Simon.
I’ve been lurking for a while. Thought I’d jump in now. Your post captured clearly the process of developing discernment in relationships.
That process of awakening to the idea that there are degrees of friendship is enlightening. Because the wound from the past encompassed a trusting relationship, the natural progression of learning discernment was stunted. Once the truth of the wound is accepted, and worked through on several levels, then it becomes possible to see that there are people who can be trusted (or leaned on, etc.) for some things, but not for others. The all or nothing choice approach to relationships becomes unnecessary.
I am glad that you have reached this point in your healing. Good for you!
Welcome out of lurkdom!!
I really appreciate the validation. :0)
What is funny is that nothing has changed on the outside, but a lot has changed on the inside. Now that I recognize that some people are just pals, I am finding myself much more comfortable being around them since I am no longer feeling rejected. I doubt that anyone else is noticing a difference, but the difference inside of myself is HUGE.
- Faith