In my last blog entry, I asked Are Cults Really Covers for Kiddie Porn and Prostitution Rings? I believe that, in my situation, the answer is yes. This might not be true in all cult situations, but I do believe that this is the case in mine. My intuition is screaming that this is the case, and my sister’s memories back it up as well. So, I am in the process of trying to wrap my mind around this latest piece of my life puzzle.
I am handling this new information surprisingly well. Honestly, I feel much more comfortable with coming to terms with falling victim to a kiddie porn and child prostitution ring than I did having to accept that I had been “raped for Satan.” Satanic ritual abuse is so “out there” and sounds so unbelievable. The greed involved in making money off little kids’ bodies is, unfortunately, very believable. It is much easier to wrap my mind around kiddie porn and child prostitution than devil worship.
That being said, it is still hard to face the reality of being a victim of kiddie porn and child prostitution. I already suspected the kiddie porn part. My memories of animal rape involved a camera, and I have another memory of being tied to a bed naked with lots of pictures being taken. There are other memories with cameras as well. I suspected that at least the animal rape pictures were sold as kiddie porn, so I have already come to terms with the reality that there are pictures out there somewhere of me as a child being raped.
The child prostitution angle is new, though. The thought of my hymen being auctioned off is tough. I was only seven years old when that was taken from me. It sickens me to think of some man paying who knows how much money to do that to a seven-year-old child, doubly so since I have a child of that age and appreciate just how young a seven-year-old child is.
I feel heaviness inside when I think about this, but I have not been able to cry about it yet. However, for the most part, it is not rocking me as I would expect it to. Perhaps my belief in reincarnation has helped with this. I do not see my body as a part of me but, instead, as my “earth suit” for this go-round in this lifetime. Neither my soul nor my spirit are a part of the pictures, and my rapists never got a hold of me. My body is not who I am.
Related Topic:
Trauma Tuesday: Raped by Santa Claus??
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
So, Faith, or any of your readers, do you have issues of being “visible” to others, of feelings of extreme shame and vulnerablity when you realize people can “see” you? I have a big aversion to being watched by others, and to having my picture taken, especially with a tv camera or home movie type device. Earlier in my life I suffered bouts of derealization whenever someone complimented me or enthusiastically praised something I did. I felt so “seen” and exposed!
I understand why some primitive tribes believe that film steals your soul.The psychological effects of having been abused on film are doubled, first having been exploited and abused, and then knowing they have captured you on film and others can relive the exploitation over and over, like they own you even when you’re not there.
I took television production in college and shook from head to toe and hyper-ventilated through one whole set where I had to be in front of the camera as part of a skit. Prof thought I was nuts and too much to deal with. Got a bad grade. But got enough info on myself to recall memories that no one should ever have!
I remember how it was for me when I was just remembering stuff like this, Faith. What I remember most is the feeling, like my body was overloaded by sound waves – like everything around me was screaming. Allowing the anger through helped. Allowing yourself to feel righteous indignation toward those who profitted from taking your innocence! That helped me find the more general anger (rage, really) toward having been abused, and helped me separate mentally, emotionally, psychologically and literally from my abuser.
I hate having my photo taken, and i always have. Also i love being invisible, and hate compliments – when i have had them in the past i see them as a threat.
I have no memories of being filmed but i guess it would fit in with that. Its not something ive thought of before.
To be honest ive been so busy dealing with the memories ive never really considered why and how the abusers did it. Maybe its just to do with the stage im at.
If someone tried taking my photo i would literally tare the camera out of their hand – its that much of an issue. If the photo is planned and i HAVE to do it then its easier as i have time to put my mask on.
I think what most disgusts me and is still difficult for me to process is that I was intentionally made a multiple. My fate was predetermined. And that is what society does not understand. That these sophisticated pedophiles, in whatever environment they commit their acts, “own” babies coming into the world when the father or other relative with frequent access is a pedophile. I also had an extremely difficult time letting go of the thought that kiddie porn was likely still “out there” with me in it. Very difficult emotional issues to resolve. Devastating. Glad that processing is behind me…for the most part.
[...] Tags: issues with “being seen”, not wanting picture taken, wanting to be invisible On my blog Coming to Terms With Kiddie Porn and Child Prostitution, deannandme asked the following questions: So, Faith, or any of your readers, do you have issues of [...]