On my blog entry Date Rape: It Was NOT Your Fault, Grace posted the following comment:
I was wondering if others had their virginity “in tact” in adulthood. I read in my early healing research that a minor medical procedure can repair the hymen. Also, I have such a clear memory of a miscarriage as a preteen so I know I wasn’t a virgin.
The type of abuse I most separated myself from was the memories of the vaginal rapes. I told myself repeatedly throughout my teens and early twenties that I was a virgin. I was the “poster child” for “waiting until marriage.” I looked for the whitest wedding gown I could find, and I only had white flowers in my bouquet. I was certain that I was a virgin.
The first time that I was “fingered,” I had very light bleeding. I would call it “staining” – nothing really heavy but definitely some blood. When I first had intercourse with hub (the first intercourse I remembered), I only saw traces of the tiniest bit of blood. I held onto those incidents as further “evidence” that I was never vaginally raped. Throughout my first 18 months of healing, I told myself repeated, “At least I was never raped.”
However, I kept having dreams/flashbacks of being raped, but I pushed them aside. I “knew” that could not be true because of the bleeding.
Then, I came across this passage in Chrystine Oksana’s book, Safe Passage to Healing:
Some survivors are baffled by memories of repeated rapes, yet they also remember bleeding during their first conscious experience of intercourse. This would seem to imply that their hymen had not been broken. Like other genital tissue, hymens can heal and regenerate very quickly. While they may not return to their original intact shape, the regenerated hymen and scar tissue may bleed after a period of sexual inactivity.
Reading this passage forced me to face my truth.
Also, when women talk about bleeding after their first sexual experience, they generally do not get into the details of how much actual blood is involved. For all I knew, a tiny bit of staining was normal. I was truly shocked to learn that it was possible to bleed after having been raped, doubly so after being raped repeatedly over a period of years as a young child.
So, the answer to the question is yes – a hymen can regenerate after a rape and even after repeated rapes. The fact that you recover flashbacks of vaginal rapes is not inconsistent with bleeding after your first conscious sexual experience.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
It never even dawned on me until I read this. I had to read this several times. But, when my husband and I were married, he was the first person that I had intercourse with, but I’ve never bleed, not even a tiny bit.
I don’t ever recall having a hymen. I have never really known what that was supposed to look like. I have never had a “flap of skin” like that ever. Nor have I ever bled during any sexual contact for which I am aware of in my teens and adulthood. I know it wasn’t there when I was young because once I knew what one was, I thought something was really wrong with me because I didn’t have one. I was also always very afraid of anyone seeing down there, like a doctor or whatever. I was always afraid I looked different. Like maybe they could “tell”. Like……I thought I was damaged, and yet I concealed the abuse within the alters of my existence and never really totally understood why I felt this way. I was always afraid. I was always confused. I thought my body was wrong.
Sorry, reading this has reminded me of a couple of things I have questions about. I have a memory of being at my dad’s work by a pool. Different than the one I have mentioned before. I have to go poop, but I cant because it feels like it’s trying to come out the wrong way and it hurts. Is that possible? The other question I have. My husband went through a period early in our marraige (and unfortunately he’s doing it again) where he smoked cigars. The smell is repulsive to me during sex. One night my husband initiated having sex. I was not at all interested because of the smell. But I was going to let him do it anyway. I, or rather we had a problem though, because my body would not let him go in. It was excruciatingly painful so he stopped. It’s like he was able to just get into the entrance and then that was it. Could this have been a psychological barrier I put up? What was that? The first time I consciously remember having sex I was on my period so I don’t know.
Yes, your body might have been reacting to the smell of the cigar and “fought” having sex, even though you consciously planned to let him do it anyhow.
Take care,
- Faith
Kind of a counterpoint to this, there’s also the possibility of a doctor saying you have an intact hymen when you actually don’t. Like you, I waited until I was married to have sex, though by then I knew that I’d been raped as a child. When I went to an OB/GYN for birth control just before my wedding, I mentioned the trauma to explain why I was so nervous. During the exam, the doctor told me that she didn’t know what had happened to me as a child, but it wasn’t vaginal rape, as my hymen was still intact. Why did she think so? . . . simply because I said it hurt when she did the exam.
You have no idea the effect that had on me. I’d only just begun to accept that I’d been molested as a child, and now here was a “professional” telling me that I was wrong.
Well, I didn’t bleed on my wedding night, nor was there any trouble with intercourse, aside from the pain, which continues to this day. Last year I finally found a good OB/GYN who diagnosed me with vaginismus, a disorder often caused by rape, where the vaginal walls tense up and go into spasm at the first sign of penetration. THAT is why it hurt during the exam, and still hurts every time I have an exam even though I’m definitely no longer a virgin.
Fortunately there is physical therapy that can ease the symptoms. But I’ll never forget the emotional pain caused by that ignorant OB/GYN.
That is really interesting about vaginismus. I might have that myself. :0(
I am so sorry that you went through that. I went through something similar, only it was with a quack psychiatrist instead of a medical doctor. After talking with me for all of 20 minutes, he concluded that I was bipolar and needed lithium. Because my sister and I had no “proof” other than our memories (memories that are consistent with each other), I must have been bipolar. Jerk.
Fortunately, I had been in therapy long enough to fight back. It rocked me, but I pulled myself out of it quickly. If someone pulled that c@#$ on me today, I would get up and walk out the door.
Back to your story — It is awful that there are MDs out there who are so misinformed. Who knows how many other women assumed they were “crazy” after a similar encounter?? Thank goodness you now have a good gyno.
Take care,
- Faith
Thanks for addressing this topic, Faith. Somehow I managed to miss it the past few days. Possibly by design? My first memories of penetration were not vaginally. I wondered if all rape had been “that” way so there were no signs. In my adult life, I was so repulsed by the thought of people doing that intentionally.
Doctors can be so inept. They say things as fact when it is not. They place limitations on people’s healing which I think is both a sin and a tragedy. People hold their doctor’s opinions up so high they fear questioning them. Totally unrelated to abuse, I had knee surgery when I was in 10th grade. I’d been a gymnast since age 3. He told me I would not be able to engage in that activity again. I competed for my highschool as a senior. Doctor’s should never say never.
On sort of a related matter, my f*ther was most enraged in my conscious life over my dating. He once became so enraged at me for holding someone’s hand in public. I was such a shy person and a good girl. Never a reason to not trust me growing up. But he hated me then. Now I realize he was possessive like jealous. I keep wanting to know why my mother couldn’t see that…
Not having a good day. Thanks for opening this discussion.
Before my current doctor, I’d been to three or four OB/GYNs who had no clue why sex and exams were so painful for me. One promised he’d never give up until he found the cause, then after doing just one test told me that he had no idea what it could be. Another said he thought it was caused by fibromyalgia (a chronic pain disorder many survivors have) and that they couldn’t do anything for it. Another told me it was caused by constipation (?!).
But after five years I finally found someone who diagnosed the problem and sent me on for physical therapy, which made a big difference. I hope others are able to get the same help, if they need it, since it’s a problem that causes so much misery and yet it’s so easily fixed.
I have vaginismus to the point where my vagina is completely closed. I might as well not have one.
I believe this is from the child abuse I remember, from the memories we are remembering
I did not know a hymen could heal. I was raped three years ago by my then-boyfriend when I was 15. I had to see an OB-GYN this past year because of problems with my menstral cycles and when she asked if I was a virgin I said “yes” because I had not told my parents. During the exam she said “yes you are a virgin”. I was so confused, and thought my memories must be wrong. I felt like I had lied to the few friends i had confided in. As sad as it is, I am relieved to hear that her “evidence” i was a virgin could have been mistaken because while that means that i was raped, it also means my feelings are founded on actual circumstances.
Hi, Allie.
Have you talked with a therapist about the rape? I strongly suggest that you do. That rape has affected you in many ways, and those feelings will not just “go away.” You can spare yourself decades of pain if you will enter into therapy now.
Take care,
- Faith
http://www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/res/csa_myths.html
myth 5 – the references are good and back up the idea of tissue regrowth
That was a great reference, B. Thank you for sharing it.
- Faith
Hi A year ago i went for a pelvic exam, which i refused to have do to years of physical abuse and rape. I never revealed to anyone until the i was attacked again in august of 07. Then i told the doctor who at the time seemed sympathetic. When she was examining me she said outloud to her assitant have you ever been penetrated or had sex, which impacted me so severely that i felt humilated. She said i still had a hymen, which i thought was wierd but i do remember apiece of tissue following the first assault. I thought maybe it healed becuase i hadnet been anyone in quite awhile. I glad to hear all this. I feel she thinks i made all the stuff up when she had to practicaly force me to tell her anything about it to begin with. I feel she treats me different now and i am alone in this regard.
buggybb
Hi Faith,
I know this was written a long time ago, but I just now got around to reading it.
I was sexually abused by my abuser for about thirteen yrs. Never any penetration was what I told myself. Only once he did by what he called an accident. NO bleeding. I did bleed once before when I was eight.And in my eight yr old mind, I thought it was a lot. Enough to make me feel like I was dying. I did not know I was being sexually abused at the time. I do not to this day KNOW , really know that he did. I only bled a little when I first had intercourse with husband> I always thought I was a virgin when I got married, now I do not know. My husband believes that I was a virgin when we met and is not interested in knowing whether or not my abuser did anything like intercourse.
Intercourse has always always been painful. I did not know there was help until recently. I am trying to get the courage up to call the gynecologist my therapist has recommended I go to.
Faith , I am 52 yrs old, and still have difficulty with this. Every day I tell myself to call, and every day I put it off. I know I need to, I know I have to if I ever want things better.
anyway, thank you for sharing this. it has helped me tonight to realize I am not alone.
After 8+ years of no gyne exams, I found someone compassionate to do a pelvic exam last week and went in prepared to ask questions. She was great and confirmed for me that I do have scar tissue from a vaginal rape at about age 5-7. (I did lots of prep and research, whch is documented on my blog site )
I think for sure doctors are not trained in what sexual assault damage looks like for one thing, and for another bleeding or not bleeding (I don’t think I did when I first had consensual sex) doesn’t really do much to confirm or disconfirm whether a person has a hymen. Sounds like doctors have been mistaking vaginal tightness/constriction for virginity, which are not the same thing as all. I’ve heard that is a woman is relaxed and excited enough, and given lots of opportunity to open, there would be no blood even if she hadn’t had intercourse before.
I think virginity should be counted from when we first had consensual sex anyhow.
By the way, I really appreciate your blog, Faith. It is very thought provoking, candid and well written. Thank you for writing it.
SDW
Growing up I have a memory of an old man asking and showing me to pet his mouse. As an adult it repulsed me and I described the man which she said was her gradfather ( I only described him not his actions) she told me he tried to molest her when she was a child. That was my only memory but one day while I was working I remebered the day we were at this house but inside it and I was sitting on my moms lap safely, the memory mad my body uncontrollably shake! I don’t remember anything else. And as a younge child I can remember sextual play that makes me sick that I would have thought at that age! I did bleed when I “lost my virginity”. I have amnisia to an event that my brother told my then husban about an uncle touching my breasts. Things effect me today that I don’t understand why cause I can’t remember.
I know i am no more a virgin.And i also finger myself, i want to heal my hymen n avoid fingering but cant control my self. How can i stop myself from doing all this?
can i ever be like virgins again?
Hi, aaiem.
I think society puts way too much emphasis on the importance of virginity. It would be one thing if no little girl was ever raped. However, with over 35 millions girls having that option taken away from them, I think it is ridiculous for society to try to shame us for something that was out of our control.
The state of your hymen is not what is important. The important part is learning how to love, accept, and value yourself as you are.
Take care,
- Faith