My second most popular blog entry on my blog is one entitled Orgasm during Rape or Other Form of Sexual Abuse. That blog entry has quite a few comments posted by child abuse survivors who experienced orgasms while they were being raped or sexually abused.
Last week, a reader posted the following question:
How are you all dealing with the conflicting emotions? Everything I see written here, practically, screams out that you all loved what was happening at the time, and mostly feel bad because society says it’s bad. I’m asking you all, because you are the only ones that really know, is it bad?
I think this is a legitimate question that needs to be answered.
The short answer is no, I did not “enjoy” the orgasms during sexual abuse. Most of mine happened when my mother was orally raping me. I experimented with similar sexual contact consensually with a boyfriend. While my body achieved an orgasm very quickly, it made my head feel like it was going to explode, and I felt a very strong desire to harm myself. That is not “enjoying” an orgasm.
When people who were never sexually abused experience orgasms, they feel good. They feel a release of tension and feel peaceful afterward. This is not the case with a person who has been sexually abused. After the orgasm happens, the sexual abuse survivor feels sick to her stomach. She feels deep shame and hatred toward her body.
When a child who is being sexually abused “wants” an orgasm, it is kind of like looking for the least painful form of abuse to experience in the moment. The child feels shame, terror, and self-loathing as the sexual abuse is happening. The orgasm is a temporary reprieve from those feelings, but then those feelings come crashing down immediately afterward in spades.
After the orgasm, the child is not lying in his bed feeling good about himself. All does not feel right with the world. The child feels deep shame – the shame from the abuse and then the shame from “enjoying” part of the abuse. It causes the child to question whether she really wanted the abuse after all. She knows that she didn’t, but her body reacted to it, so then maybe she did??
And then orgasms and shame get intertwined in the abused child’s head. The child grows into an adult who cannot have a fulfilling consensual sexual relationship because pleasure and pain are still intertwined. She hates her body for having orgasms, and then she hates her body if she doesn’t have them. Every sexual encounter becomes a challenge because it sets her up for more self-loathing.
And then the sexual abuse survivor finds that she is only able to achieve an orgasm if she reenacts the sexual abuse, either physically or in her head. Straight sex cannot achieve an orgasm, but degradation during sex can. Discovering that you cannot achieve an orgasm during sex unless you feel degraded only adds fuel to the fire.
There is nothing positive about a child experiencing an orgasm during rape or sexual abuse. It only further complicates the child’s life.
Related Topic:
Trauma Tuesday: Orgasms during Rape and Sexual Abuse
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Hi Faith,
I cant help thinking that whoever asked that question is a total moron. – Sorry im only being honest.
Of course there is the issue of how much we think is wrong because society says it is, but still the actual orgasm from the sexual activity is such a tiny part of the abuse for most survivors – like 0.01 percent or something like that. So even if the answer was – yeah we enjoyed it really because sex is natural – (which it isnt anyway) what about the rest of the 99.99 percent of the abuse???
Let’s be respectful in our responses. I am taking the question at face value.
I can see where the question can be triggering, and it is always possible that an abuser with a guilty conscious will be reading this and hoping to find justification for his or her actions. However, this is a good opportunity for child abuse survivors to explain why an orgasm does not negate the pain of the sexual abuse.
I do agree that the orgasm is such a small part of the abuse and, quite frankly, not enjoyable.
Take care,
- Faith
Sorry Faith – That did trigger me.
I see what you are saying – i just cant help feeling that question wasnt asked with the best of motives.
You might be correct, or you might not. Regardless, all of us speaking out that orgasms do NOT make sexual abuse okay will get the word out. We can’t afford to remain silent when people assert things that are damaging to children. It is our responsibility to speak out against it. You and I are doing just that. :0)
Take care,
- Faith
Dear reader, do you really want to know what our answer is or are you asking a hypothetical question and you already have your mind made up ? I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume it is the former. Often I use sex the same way as I use cutting and burning – to hurt myself. It gives me the same f*up high. When my husband used to drink this worked quite well. I would do anything and let anything be done to me and it was just like cutting and burning. Now he doesn’t drink and will not participate that way. At first this spun me but then I had to step back and think. Why wont he do this? I came up with, because he loves me… wow, he loves me.
So now I hurt myself while I am masturbating. Sex is a punishment to me. Is this too explicit for you? In the scheme of things for me, its nothing…
“When people who were never sexually abused experience orgasms, they feel good. . . . This is not the case with a person who has been sexually abused. After the orgasm happens, the sexual abuse survivor feels sick . . . deep shame and hatred. . .”
Perhaps this should read: “people who experienced orgasms during sexual abuse” rather than blanketing all persons who have been abused? Because it isn’t the same for those of us who were abused long before we were old enough to have an orgasm, or whose abusers made no attempt to make the experience pleasurable.
And yet, I do know what you’re talking about. When one of my alters masturbates, she intends it as both retribution and justice, punishment and reward–Proving to our abusers that we’re still alive, seeking even a small amount of pleasure to compensate for all the years of pain, but with full awareness that not everyone in the body appreciates it, especially with the disturbing fantasies that accompany the act, and so it becomes a form of self-punishment or injury. After those orgasms, it’s like you describe: feelings of nausea, guilt, shame, hatred. But when we’re with our husband, it’s a completely different experience. It can be much harder to reach orgasm, but instead of shame, we feel peace and overwhelming love.
Perhaps this is because the motives involved are different? Maybe we’ve segregated the two so firmly in our mind that the bad associations of the self-abuse/injury are absent when the purpose is matrimonial intimacy. Or . . . maybe the feelings of guilt and shame have nothing to do with whether orgasm happened during abuse or not, but rather, how you perceive orgasm, and what sort of mental associations you’ve assigned it. Of course, anyone who did orgasm while being raped would associate it with those bad memories, and so might always react badly to pleasure.
I’m not sure if I’m making sense or not. Mostly I’m thinking out loud, trying to adapt the concept so it better applies to us.
All of what you wrote happens for me, too.
In fact, my arms were shaking as I read it, and I found myself sitting on my hands to stop my arms from shaking. Didn’t work. It was a hard post to read, but it was comforting as well because it validated my own feelings.
We hold hands with you.
Secret Shadows
I have been feeling intense guilt and shame over this. knowing i had orgasims and worry about this. I was made to have orgasims and how does this make me.. what happened I know I had orgasims and what does this say about me. I dont know what to say .. but i think about it alot. I had horrible trauma, abuse, for my whole life… so I dont know… are the orgasims my fault. can you say anything at all to help me with this?
Zoe,
The human body reacts to things in a certain way. The way your body automatically responds to fear is very similar to how it responds to pleasure. That means you can become aroused when you’re afraid. You might be aware that you’re being raped or molested, but your body doesn’t make that distinction.
If you think about it, it’s much easier to orgasm while in a state of arousal–whether caused by fear or pleasure–so it’s simply your body reacting to what’s happening. Look at it this way–when you get angry, can you keep your blood pressure from rising? No, because it’s an automatic physical response to stress. Same with this. It’s something your body does that you have no control over.
Midge- I’m glad that you wrote of the arousal response to fear. I find that when I’m under extreme stress, or when I am feeling frustration and shame, my body becomes aroused and it is so humiliating. I always thought that it was because of the stimulation I received while being molested and that my body/mind tied the two feelings together so much so that when I experience one I get the other. It made me feel angry at and betrayed by my body. As if the feelings I was having weren’t bad enough my stupid body had to go and bring up the incest again. Perhaps now I can think of it as just a biological reaction rather than a symptom and therefor I can feel like less of a victim.
i think that is a disrespectful question to b asked! but i suppose someone who hasn been raped or sexualy abused would like to know that.
just being honest.
i feel that anyone who has been raped doesnt feel the orgasim because of all the pain the rapist is putting the person through…
but if the person then grows up and haves sex with the person they love then the sex will be enjoyable.
I was molested by my mother and I still masturbate thinking of it and it feels good. I remind myself just fantasy nothing more.
As I was abused as a child I never reached orgasm……. quite the opposite……..pain. However there were the occassional times when I felt a brief “good” feeling. Either way, I CANNOT reach orgasm without having what I call “negative fantasies”. I hate it. I have only shared with a handful of people as I find that most won’t admit to this by product of child sexual abuse. In treatment, with counselors and inpatient, it was alluded at that this thinking made you the same as the molester. The internet has alllowed these things to come to light without labeling the abused. Thank you to everyone who shared.
[...] Tags: abusive fantasies, orgasms after sexual abuse, sexual fantasies In my blog entry entitled Do Sexually Abused Children Enjoy Orgasms from Rape or Sexual Abuse?, a reader posted the following comment: As I was abused as a child I never reached orgasm……. [...]
i asked the same question after an ex girlfreind told me that her greatest sexual experiences came during “sex” with her father and uncle. she was 8-13 years old. i didn’t understand what she meant until a close freind said she had a similar experience as a child.
Hi Faith,
I have a question that has been on my mind for over 10 years now…what if a person has all of these symptoms that you and others describe (I’m referring to your other blog also), but has no memory of childhood sexual abuse?
I was recently in an abusive relationship and for the first time in my life felt uncontrollable arousal like never before (usually have trouble enjoying sex, although used to be incredibly promiscuous and used sex to hurt myself). With this man, as with many others, it was not healthy sexual attaction, because I was attracted to the feeling of being possessed and overpowered by him (although always hated myself afterward). On some occasions, he would coerce me into sex, to which I would have an intense orgasm and immediately feel disgusting and dirty like I had been violated.
I have essentially re-enacted rape scenarios through my choice of partners (i.e. men who would coerce me into sex- paradoxical, yes). My sexual fantasies are often about rape or being degraded by men, although I am not a masochist by any means. I spent years addicted to sex and drugs, not for pleasure but to destroy myself. I called it my urge to self-destruct. There was something incredibly seductive and sexual about it. I know it sounds so bizarre which is why I’ve never told anyone.
I had one counsellor years ago that suggested I might have “repressed” memories. My dad was verbally abusive and he was physically aggressive on occasion, but nothing sexual. I don’t even know if my ex could really be said to be “coercing” me when I apparently “enjoyed” it so much…so confused…thx for reading.
Hi, Colleen.
I see lots of red flags in your story. What you describe sounds “normal” for a sexual abuse survivor but not “normal” for someone who was not sexually abused.
The answers are all inside of you. If you were sexual abused as a child, then you have those memories locked away inside of yourself. If/when you choose to remember, you will.
Until I was in my mid-thirties, I had NO MEMORY WHATSOEVER of sexual abuse. In fact, I was convinced that I was a virgin until having sex with my husband. However, I was messed up in so many ways. It was a relief to finally understand why I was the way I was.
Take care,
- Faith
im 17 and was abused buy my brother from the age of 8 however his 2 years younger than me so i feel like its my fault. ive never spoke about it before. the thing is when he wanted intercorse he would pin me down and i would just pretend to be asleep and let him get on with it and i feel so ashamed when i think i enjoyed the orgasm but felt like ripping my skin off straight away after. i cant help but think its all my fault, im older i should have known what sex was before him and pushed him away harder. it all stopped when my mum found out and she also blamed me but not more than him as he had already had sex with my cousin, thats how it all came out. ive caught him with my mums best friends daughter and with my best friend.
am i descusting i dont understand myself. i cant have relationships i push them away when it started to get sexual but i masterbate regulalry and try to make it hurt? its sick.
i need answers but im stuck, i cant go telling people ive has sex with my younger brother and im now fucked up in the head and why do i feel this way.
Hi, Sarah.
You can talk about all of these things with a good therapist. You are not alone in this. A sibling, even a younger sibling, can be an abuser.
You can also talk about these issues at http://www.isurvive.org. It is a message board for child abuse survivors. They understand.
Take care,
- Faith
I found this post and have debated replying many times. I am a 40 yr old woman who was sexually abused over many years of my childhood. I have been through intensive inpatient and outpatient therapy over the past 25 yr and yet have never had a professional understand the “negative” fantasies I MUST have to reach orgasm. I never reached orgasm during abuse however it did feel good on occassion. Most of the time it hurt horribly and I desperately wanted it to end. As others here have stated…….after reaching an orgasm I feel dirty, ashamed and intense self hatred. Being able to finally discuss these “negative” fantasies and the fact that I would do anything to be rid of them is a welcome relief. Instead of judging abuse victims for the coping skills they developed, professionals should be trying to understand how much this devestates yet encompasses our lives. It does NOT make us the same as the abuser or willing participants of the abuse. It’s the way our sexuality and physiological responses developed. And is virtually impossible to move past.
Thanks for being here.
Truly……..
Hi, Cathy.
I write a professional blog about adoption and focus twice a week on explaining the mind of the abused child to foster and adoptive parents. My readers will post things that mental health professionals have said that just baffle me, such as not getting the connection that healing the trauma will help heal the DID. DUH!!
Unfortunately, many mental health professionals do not have firsthand knowledge. They learn from books and professors, who learn by interviewing people like you and me. When those they interview are too ashamed or embarrassed to talk about these issues, the issues don’t make it into their books, so the mental health professionals don’t learn about them.
This is why I make a point of talking about all of these difficult topics, such as masturbation as a form of self-injury or the topic of this post. These are all NORMAL aftereffects of sexual abuse, but mental health professionals are not going to know this until we start talking about them.
Take care,
- Faith
I am 15. I was rapped when I was 5. I now have sex to punish myself. I enjoy and also hate the feeling sex gives me. I, like you said, am punishing myself for still wanting sexual contact with others. Now keep in mind I am merely 15. I, as most would say, am still a child, but I am a child who hates myself. I used to cut, smoke, drink, really anything I could that would keep my mind off of what happened. My mother, who didn’t find out about my rape for 9 years, got mad at me for doing this to myself. I ended up having a chins petition filed and i was checked month for drug/alcohol abuse. I had to find a new way to punish myself.
Last night i snuck out of my house at 12:20 to go met a 18 year old man. I was gone till 5:45. Once I got in the car i didn’t want to be there anymore. I was scared and mad. When he started to touch me, I felt like crying. I just wanted get out and run, but i couldn’t. I felt like I had to punish myself for liking what he was doing. Don’t get me wrong I liked it, but that is why I was mad, because I liked it.
Yeah, every teenager likes sex, but not every teenager started to have sex at the age of nine. My life has been crazy.
I feel at a loss. I am stuck between what to do. I really hate what I’ve become…
Chassedie,
Do have a trusted adult that you can talk to? Maybe a teacher or a pastor? You don’t have to go through this alone. A therapist can help you work through these issues and spare you an adulthood filled with even further pain.
- Faith
Not really, I don’t trust any of my teachers anymore and I don’t go to church so… I have been through so many therapists, they either told my mom I was not a sane body anymore or I was put on so many drugs I was not even able to move without help. I don’t even trust my mom anymore when she found out about it she hit me and told me I was lying. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I hate myself, I just hate what I’ve become.
I was looking for “help” when I came across this site. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not a monster for the way I feel. I was molested by two people when I was a child. From age 4 to 6 by one and from 6 – 15 by my step father. Neither one of them tried to penetrate me or cause me pain…I was lucky. They were both intend on gving me please, or at least trying to. By age 6 I liked it and by age 11 I was having orgasims. I thought it was normal but I never told anyone as it was “our little secret”. What an evil thing to do to a child! I would get gifts etc and treated very special, I was “daddy’s little princess”. My whole family thought he was a wonderful man taking on a woman and kids and adopting them. I loved the attention and would often even go to him before he came to me in the middle of the night. When I was 15 I got a boyfriend and told him about my step father. He said I was being molested and it was wrong and he could go to jail. I felt so sick! I didn’t know what to do. I was too afraid to tell my mom or anyone. I felt so guilty and dirty and disgusting. I even tried to kill my self with my friends moms pills one night locked in my bathroom. I stopped going to him and when he came to me I told him “no”, he started to cry and told me he loved me. I felt even more sick because he was always nice to me…or so I thought. I ran away from home at age 16 and moved in with my boyfriend. Then I started to have “real” sex with penetration and I found I didn’t like it. I only wanted to be touched. I was shocked when I saw my first penis and he told me what he wanted to do with it. My boyfriend didn’t care if I liked sex or not, he would just do it and didn’t ask me what I wanted it. I found myself fantasizing about being abused to have an orgasim. Now I’m almost 40 years old, my husband of 10 years is 42, he is very attentive in bed but very agressive. He takes the lead and one night he asked me to call him “daddy”. So I did and I found I really liked it but I felt so sick afterwards. I hate my self, I feel so disgusting and vile inside because of what I feel. I have told my husband about what happened to me and I get the feeling he almost trying to duplicate my abuse when we make love, but I like it!! I need help! I want to cry! I thought I was alone with these feelings then I saw this website and I don’t feel so along anymore. Thank you so much.
Welcome to my blog, Belle!
Unfortunately, all that you have experienced is common among sexual abuse survivors. Pleasure and pain become intertwined, and it is very hard to unravel it all.
Are you in therapy? If not, I strongly suggest that you find a qualified therapist with experience in working with sexual abuse survivors. A therapist can guide you through the process of healing from the abuse.
Take care,
- Faith
I was raped by my youth pastor when I was 11. He first had oral sex with me and I had an orgasim. When it happened I felt sick to my stomach, but it also felt good. I hated myself for that. He told me that I liked it so it wasn’t wrong. Why else would my body react that way. I didn’t want it to happen anymore…but I thought I liked it. For so many years I have been confused. I started cutting to let the pain out. I am married to an awesome person, but now I can’t even have an orgasim. Basically durning sex I just fake it so it can be over…I have never told my husband about my sexual abuse, because just here recently I really thought it was my fault, because I thought I liked it. When my abuser raped me anally I never had that sort of response, so I only considered that part rape. I never told my husband because I didn’t want him to know that he was getting this bag of used goods.-Maria
I’ve made a point of resisting going down the path of allowing myself to be turned on by abuse fantasies, because I think using those fantasies for that purpose reinforces their links to my sexuality and I don’t want that. I think of it as part of claiming my sexuality for myself.
Also, when I think of the reason those images have a charge for me, is because of the pain of the child who experienced it, and me having an orgasm by milking her pain is disrespectful to her/me and sexually exploiting that child-self. (this is true for me, I’m not meaning to disrespect those with other choices or perspectives)
So yes, it’s hard for me to have orgasms but I do have them. The brain is very changeable and ‘what is wired together, fires together’ neurologically, so by rigorously keeping consensual sex/pleasure and violence/coersion/degradation/pain separate, I’m separating my sexuality from the abuse bit by bit. I’m a big non-fan of S/m sexuality for those reasons.
I find that remembering that orgasms are at least partly a physiological response to stimulation is helpful, because basically, eventually persistence with a vibrator, most of the time will result in an orgasm, even while I’m experimenting with loving, safe and pleasurable fantasies rather than the ‘easier’ but self-harming negatively charged ones. Every act of separating my sexuality from the abuse is an act of self love. Having loving consensual open-hearted lovemaking and orgasms with my spouse, when it happens, is the reward.
Well I’ve come to the conclusion that Sexual abuse among girls will always happen, it will never end. So what is the point dwelling on something we can’t control? Millions of kids each year are being abducted and sold for sex. And I’m sure these girls are either killed or “enjoy” the sex (forced orgasms) they decide to stay and help out or change their identity so no one will know where they are. And if they are found they end up being a different kid. That little girl Madeleine missing from Portugal or something was spotted many times but no one stopped to say anything or take the little girl…why? because no one cares. A lot of women and Men are sexually abusing children more and more everyday and enjoy doing it the more they are told “No” the more they want to do it. Some countries allow sex among minors. I really believe the Country I’m in could care less we are killing people in Iraq and we’re going to worry about some little girl getting her clitoris rubbed to orgasm? Yeah right. Not saying I don’t care, I too was molested I just deal with the fact I was sexualized too young and it is part of me now. I fantasize about it and I get off and go to sleep. I don’t dwell on what I couldn’t control….I was controlled, I was a child and I did what I was told I orgasmed and gave them pleasure and in return I got every doll I wanted. Although as I get older the thought of doing the same things to a little girl crosses my mind I don’t have kids so maybe it is a blessing. But yet..every second another little girl is orgasming from her Daddy, mommy or other family..or teachers lawyers..etc…And I’m sure some of you have molested someone at one point in time. I think sex among children is common and not saying it is right but it happens. I think it is too much of a coincidence that it happens among families that don’t know it is wrong. Africa….they stimulate their sons and daughter’s genitals while breastfeeding….How would they know it’s wrong? Asia too…So maybe it’s US that puts the perception in our minds that is wrong. I remember a girl who molested her daughter (an old friend of my sisters) And I did nothing and said nothing because the way I see it that little girl will end up in a foster home where she will most likely be abused there too but worse. And I was put in a foster home several and each one a man molested me. to orgasm….so I don’t think anyone is safe anymore. If she were to go to counseling or put out of state with a family that was screened then maybe it would be good not in NYC they don’t give a crap plus the girl was Hispanic so I know they would of put her somewhere similar.
I also wanted to say something else when I was in a foster home I would have sex with other girls who were molested..is that normal?
I’m 25 years old and was sexually abused between the ages of 6 and 16 by my stepfather, older siblings, neighbours, family friends and strangers. I’ve grown up feeling like there is something so very wrong with me, and like there is an invisible sign on my head that attracts the scum of the universe, like they can pick me from a mile away. I still feel like it was innatley my fault, like there was something I did to make it happen to me over and over again.
I hated what was happening,I was scared and in pain, I would leave my body and try and pretend it wasn’t happening or I was asleep. I feel like not only did my abusers betray me, but also my body. I hated every moment of the abuse and would fight sometimes harder against my body’s response then my abuser. One of my abusers would ’stimualte’ me to ‘climax’ like he was doing me some kind of favour. I would fake it just so he would leave me alone and fall asleep. If I did ‘climax’ I would more often then not feel so sick to my stomach I wanted to throw up (even as I write this now, I feel sick).
I once heard that our bodies are like cars and even if the car is stolen it will still do what it is designed to do – drive, regardless of consent. Likewise our bodies will respond to stimualtion regardless of whether we want it to or not, that is what it is designed to do.
The sexual abuse I endured has left me like so many others: not trusting anyone (sometimes it’s the ones you least expect), having an aversion to anything sexual or any physical touch from a man. It stays with you, no matter how hard you scrub or how thin you get it’s still there in your thoughts, memories and dreams.
“It’s the scars you can’t see, that are the hardest to heal”.
Hi, Jane.
I am so sorry for all of your pain. I can relate to all that you said. I have learned to trust one baby step at a time. You can heal from this.
Hang in there.
- Faith
Thanks for your response faith. It’s so hard sometimes that you feel like you can’t and you’re always gonna feel like this. It’s so hard to bear sometimes you consider throwing in the towl. I guess I’m just having a down week.
Here is a review article on this topic:
http://calor.hit.bg/lib/Sexual%20arousal%20and%20orgasm%20in%20subjects%20who%20experience%20forced.pdf
I just wanted to say that I survived a very emotionally and sometimes physically abusive childhood. I have struggled with shame issues all my life. Now in my mid 30s and I am putting together little bits and pieces of things that point towards sexual abuse.
Also throughout my life I have always been most aroused when having incest fantasies involving parent-child abuse. I have always been too horrified to tell anyone – but wondered if that pointed towards sexual abuse or just a deep need to want to feel loved and validated by a parent? They alarm me. I don’t have kids and I am afraid to have any now. I have never told a living soul this.
Whats your opinion? (too embarrassed, ashamed, and afraid to ask my therapist.)
Thank you -
Hi, Phillygirl.
I would say that these fantasies are red flags for childhood sexual abuse. I don’t think that many (if any) people who were not sexually abused as children have the same fantasies. I would talk with your therapist about this.
I was ashamed of those types of dreams that I sometimes had while in therapy. I wrote about it here:
http://faithallen.wordpress.com/2008/01/17/abusive-dreams-after-child-abuse/
My therapist assured me that this was completely normal and was NOT an indicator of me wanting to be an abuser. Instead, this was about me trying to understand my own experiences.
Take care,
- Faith
To ALL readers, and Faith, our patient site leader: PLEASE UNDERSTAND ONE THING– Physiological response is just that…PHYSIOLOGICAL. How many of you know someone who is ticklish? Nearly everyone I know is ticklish, and those who are NOT are an exception….BUT when people are tickled, and they LAUGH HYSTERICALLY, it is not because they ENJOY BEING TICKLED. Most people with whom I have discussed this actually HATE being tickled. I personally despise the act myself, because it takes away my control of self, and it renders me weak. NONETHELESS, to an observer, if I am LAUGHING, then I must ENJOY BEING TICKLED??
Think about this in perspective and realize that all of us who are trying to rationalize why we have climaxed during molestation must be DIRTY or DISGUSTING because we recall these experiences of SUBMISSIVE weakness… yet we are simply trying to DESTRESS from the bond, and what our BODIES have conditioned our MINDS to do is SUBMIT. It is not OUR faults that this is what we know as our first stimulation. We are not wrong! What was wrong was that we were conditioned in this sick way, and the cycle unfortunately perpetuates. The abused often becomes the abuser, even if to onesself.
Ally, new friend and one who understands
REACH OUT TO US, and trust in your healing