This week, I have been talking about the challenges of dealing with my mother-in-law (MIL’s) sudden death the week before Christmas. In light my child abuse history and negative associations with Christmas already, this has been quite a challenge. I might have to flee to Fiji for Christmas next year.
Hub and my in-laws have been so impressed with how I took over and took care of everyone right after my MIL passed away. My father-in-law (FIL) could barely get the words out when he called to tell me that his wife had just died. I told him that I would tell both of his sons for him. I also told him to write a list of who needed to be notified, and I would take care of it.
When FIL said that he hoped there would be lots of flowers at the funeral, I went out and ordered $200 worth of flowers, broken into three bouquets (one from hub and me, one from our son, and one from my sister and kids) so it would look like more flowers.
When FIL said he hoped that a lot of people would come to the funeral (even though nobody in that family has many friends), I emailed everyone I knew here in town and asked them to come. Even though it was a week before Christmas, over a dozen of my friends showed up to support us, and most of them had never even met my in-laws.
When hub said that he did not want his coworkers to come to the funeral because he did not want them to see him cry, I told his coworkers politely – and then bluntly – not to come. I told hub’s secretary to blame any “misunderstandings” on me if there was any political fallout from this.
I comforted them as they cried. I listened to their very normal and understandable reactions to sudden death and gave them the reassurances that they needed – that she loved them and knew that they loved her. I did everything within my power to ease their pain.
When they wanted a family member to deliver the eulogy but feared not being able to stay composed, I offered to write and deliver the eulogy. I got their input and made sure that everyone liked what I had to say. I held myself together to deliver a beautiful eulogy in front a room filled with people.
So, I was quite taken aback when hub expressed surprise that I had cried some during that week. He thought that my strength came from a lack of caring.
Why is it that people who do not have the same level of strength tend to assume that strength is a result of not caring? Everything I did during that time was from caring. It was incredibly hard for me to do the things that I did the week that my MIL died, but I did them because they had to be done. Cracking up was not an option. Someone had to be the strong one, and I was the only candidate.
Yes, I am strong person. I had to be to survive my childhood. But superheroes bleed, too.
Photo credit: Faith Allen
Only 5 days Faith.
Take care.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((FAITH))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Hope this is okay
Just want to say you were and are very strong that is why you are still here and sadly it is always misinterpreted but you know what you felt for MIL, very proud of what you have done for those you love over the past days, well done faith still holding you up and hoping you are looking after you as well, take care
anon
you are probably one of the strongest people i know. i know for me, i am strong when i must be and have had to be. and when i am quiet or alone or that time is done it hits me, and i cry or like you said bleed, even though it may appear i have been the rock or the “superhero”…. your family and friends are quite lucky to have you through this time…
Dear Faith,
Yes, you are strong, but I wish you could be held by someone who could be for you a safe place to cry and let it all out. I know you are in pain, I can feel it in all your writing recently. I think, probably like you, I rarely cry in front of other people. And when i do I get crazy because I feel a terrible loss of control. You always tell me such wonderful things so I hope maybe by telling you a trick I have, it may help you has well. Go to my grizzly bear (I know, corny but just try it). You will find her in a beautiful open meadow, where the sky is perfectly blue and the air is soft and warm. No one else is there or permitted there but you. Run to her she will wrap herself around you and protect you. She lets out a tremendous growl that goes on forever (as long as you need it), so loud the ground shakes and the wind blows. She will be your cry until you have one. If you want me to be there I will be there and you can cry as loud and as hard as you want. Even when you are crying, I still know you are strong.
Only the best wishes for you Faith.
~Palucci
Thanks, everyone.
Palucci — I did go to your bear and cry. Thank you.
- Faith
you’re welcome, Faith…
Palucci,
Can I go to your bear?
[...] and being surrounded by grieving people on top of my own baggage. I have also dealt with people misunderstanding me and my motives, which I just don’t [...]
Anita, yes please go to her. She will protect you and keep you safe. No harm can possibley come to you while you are with her. You can rest and sleep safely Anita. If you cry it’s okay too.
If ok, safe hugs for you (((((Anita)))))
Palucci
I am glad you were able to acknowledge your strength. You are absolutly right –”superheroes” bleed to — I will have to remember that.
Faith I have relied on the information on your blog to help me clarify some of the issues I have been facing as a result of the sex abuse I endured as a child. Writing has been extremely helpful to me. I haven’t publicly acknowledged the abuse on my blog because there are people I know that read it and I just don’t need to share that part of me with them.
However I have been talking daily about my struggle with over eating and being over weight — which of course is a symptom of my deeper issues.
Anyway, this week I really needed your blog posts to support me when I was feeling vulnerable and lost.
Thank you Superhero!
Lady in a net,
I am so glad that my blog helped you this week.
Take care,
- Faith