This week, I have been talking about the aftereffects of my mother-in-law’s death the week before Christmas. This has been a very long and very hard couple of weeks.
Even if this holiday season had gone well, my baseline would have been struggling. I have so many negative associations with Christmas – so many traumas that I endured around the Christmas tree. I cannot make Christmas a happy time. My goal is to make it bearable.
This year, I had to deal with a death in the family and being surrounded by grieving people on top of my own baggage. I have also dealt with people misunderstanding me and my motives, which I just don’t understand.
I have found myself dissociating more and more. I have not lost time, although I have been tempted to go that route again. The thought of waking up and discovering that this phase of my life is over sounds appealing at times, but I don’t want to go down that path again. I have also leaned on wine and Xanax (but not together) a few times to get through the tougher days, but I don’t want to go there, either.
I just want my life back. I want to get back to blogging, working at my new job, and hanging out with my friends. I have spent too many years of my life surviving — I want to live! I want to embrace life and enjoy all that it has to offer, but that always seems to be just beyond my reach.
What’s worse is that I am afraid to embrace it when I have the chance because I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Twice this holiday season, I gave myself permission to enjoy being alive. Both times came to an abrupt end with the news of the death of a loved one.
I want my life to stop being so hard all the time. I am not asking for singing birds and Prince Charming to come riding up (which would definitely complicate my life as a married woman!!). I just want to be able to stay present in my body and want to do it. I keep hoping that day will come, but then I wonder if I am just deluding myself. Maybe I am not intended to be at peace. And yet I hope…
Photo credit: Faith Allen
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That day will come you have come to far it’s just a bad season at present,
Faith you know your reasons for doing what you did over past few weeks — out of love and to make things easier for those you love, it is your turn Faith,
look at all the help you have given, you have helped me- gave me hope and belief – animal rapeI have never spoken to anyone before about this, you made me realise I was not on my own, it was not me but those who abused me, no one has ever spoken as plainly as you and it is what is needed for survivors because what happended to us was not beautiful but UGLY and pretty words do not help as it makes it harder to talk about things.
You often talk about the diamond under the S***, imagine hearing that for the first time, you were the first person ever to say that to me, Faith I have always felt like the S*** but you helped me think differently, you have even made me think about God (where before I would never have entertained any religion due to my background) but reading your blog has given me hope, what I am trying to say Faith is HOPE because you have the right to and I believe it will come.
Faith you are tired at present and need time for you if I could do that for you I would Please take care also Faith please understand I do not find it easy to communicate what I mean so hope you do get some of what I am trying to say.
Thank you, anon.
Yes, I understood your message, and it means the world to me. :0)
I wrote all of my blogs this week in a single sitting. I have been feeling much more positive this week. :0)
Take care,
- Faith
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~palucci
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You are so, so, so welcome, glad feeling a little better
Hi palucci
Hi anon
Faith,
I have just found your site through another site I visit. I just wanted to say you are a very strong lady and many of your words are in my heart and mind with no voice yet. Thank you for taking the time to blog and let survivors like me know we are not alone. I hope to get to know you better and hope you don’t mind me using your blog to find strength. I know God has a plan for my life and That he can make good from the bad I have been through.
I would also like to say that you might some day be able to find joy in the Christmas season for I have finally. and not to even mention the abuse the season brought when I was a child but I lost both set of grandparents during the holiday season. My grandfather died on Christmas day after mourning three weeks over my grandmothers death when I was but 10 and then three years ago my grandfather passed the week before Christmas and my grandmother died two weeks later. I felt certain I would never be able to enjoy the season again, but this year I held a open house for anyone with out a place to go and my house was full and I felt like I was truly the most blessed women in the community. Hope my story gives you just a grain of hope…..I know your writings do me.
Welcome to my blog MommaT!!
Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope that Christmas will not always be awful for me. Your story gives me hope.
I am glad that my blog is helping you. That it why I write it.
Take care,
- Faith
Hello!
Very Interesting post! Thank you for such interesting resource!
PS: Sorry for my bad english, I’v just started to learn this language
See you!
Your, Raiul Baztepo