When I started having flashbacks, I was determined not to get a therapist. It is a long story why, but the important point is that I was determined to go through the healing process by myself. I figured that I could work through the Survivor to Thriver Manual and do just fine. I was wrong.
The healing process was far too grueling for me to go through it alone. Even more importantly, I had nobody telling me that I was going to be okay or reassuring me that what I was feeling was normal. I found myself having a full-fledged panic attack, lying on the floor, banging my head, and trying to decide the best way to commit suicide. I finally concluded that anything, even therapy, was better than this.
What I found in therapy was an ally and a professional validating that I was not crazy. I pretty much assumed that I was crazy throughout my life. When you have a mentally ill mother and are surrounded by “crazy” stuff, it is easy to assume that you are the one with the issues. I told my therapist about all of my “crazy” thoughts and quirks, and he reassured me that I was actually normal — I am a normal survivors of child abuse. All of these “crazy” quirks are really just symptoms left in the aftermath of the abuse.
I do not know what the polar opposite of codependency is called, but that is what I have. I do not want to rely on another person for anything. I feared that entering therapy meant that I would become dependent upon a “shrink.”
I was surprised to learn that the work in therapy actually happens between the sessions. My meetings with my therapist were to talk about what I had been doing with my healing process and what might lie ahead. He would correct any unhealthy notions that I held (such as that I was “crazy” or “stupid”) and reassure me that I was doing a phenomenol job in healing myself.
I used to get frustrated because I would sometimes look forward to a therapy session so my therapist could provide me with the magic way out. I would tell him how miserable I was and how awful things were going. He would point out all of the healing work that I was doing and how much progress I was maknig and then tell me how proud he was of my ability to heal myself. I wanted him to wave a magic wand and make the bad stuff go away. He provided me with the map and checkpoints to heal myself.
I am always wary when I hear about therapists who recommend multiple sessions each week for years on end, telling their patients only to focus on their healing in the presence of the therapist. My therapist empowered me to heal myself.
My therapist also encouraged me to cut down on the frequency of sessions as I moved through the healing process. He wanted me to move toward flying on my own, not staying dependent upon him to carry me.
The point of therapy is to provide you with a professional reassurance that you are on the right track. A good therapist will encourage you to heal yourself and will be your strongest ally along your healing journey.
Related Topics:
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
It is the same way with my therapist. She always tells me that I am the one that will do the work. She is basically a guide and supporter. LOTS of times I want her to “fix it”. SO many times I have begged for the “magic wand.” I think we all would like the pain to go away quickly. My therapist is also an EMDR consultant, and recently I have just about begged her to “work her magic”, but she won’t….SHe will not do EMDR with me yet, and part of it I am sure is that I am looking at it as that quick fix too.
Most who know me and have read the “Letters to My Therapist” portion of my blog know that I am quite clingy. I will admit that. What I am so clingy to is that reassurance, the encouragement, and the unconditional positive regard she has for me. I feel insecure a lot, even though reading my blog posts one would not get that necessarily. My contact with my therapist keeps me “up”, keeps me going, but you are so so so so so right in that the real work of therapy happens between the sessions.
Secret Shadows
Hi FAith,
My Therapist is amazing. Hes an incredibly gifted person, and cutting-edge for here in the uk. Also hes a brilliant bloke, has good morals, and is funny. I might sound like his fan club, but hes basically saved my life.
I also need to pat myself on the back aswell for hanging in when the going got really tuff, and this brilliant blog, aswell as isurvive.
I couldnt recommend seeing a therapist enough, although i think i was very lucky and there is a lot of luck involved finding a good one – especially if you have complications like serious dissociation like i had. In fact i noticed that there wasnt too many Therapists that wanted to take me on, as an abuse survivor and someone with a disorder. I think Therapists take pretty big risks themselves taking on clients like myself. Theres easy money to be made for them doing ‘easy stuff’ like stopping people smoking. He didnt need the responsibility of someone with serious mental issues like myself, but credit to him for taking me on.
Im honestly gob-smacked at how skilled he is!! The most intelligent person ive ever met by a mile! Anyway , fan-club meeting over.
Faith, I’m happy for you that you found a good therapist. That’s not so easy. It took me several attempts before I found someone serious. In my case, talking about stuff with someone who is unemotional and uninvolved helps me understand things better. He also encourages me to feel, because I am very detached and fearful of emotions. However, he does this in a gentle and respectful manner. I would encourage anybody who is reluctant, or who has had a bad experience with an incompetent therapist, to try again until you find the right fit — provided, of course, that your country’s health system allows you to do so!
Ahlize
I too am polar opposite to co dependant, I just recently left a T because I felt she wanted me to be totally dependant on her. Like you I just want someone to show me the tools and give me the map etc and let me proceed with guidance or redirection if needed. I feel that for us to heal that we have to all become self reliant and take responsibility. The magic wand doesnt exist, one part asked doc for the fix it all pill. I realise that not all parts have the skills to be self reliant yet, but are working on getting those skills
[...] finding a good therapist, not comfortable with therapist, therapists On my blog entry entitled What is the Point of Therapy?, a reader posted the following comment: Faith, I’m happy for you that you found a good therapist. [...]
I’ve had several good therapists over the years and tried out many others who were not a good match, so just kept dipping in and out of therapy until I found someone who was a good match. Since I did not have others with whom I could discuss the intricacies of my problems, I went to a therapist for guidance and a sounding board. Except for the one year that I worked with an EMDR specialist, I’d have to say ALL of the “healing” I’ve done was done outside of the therapy session, using much personal research and reading to understand what was happening.Then the therapy sessions for the most part were for me reporting back what has been going on between sessions. I remember wishing for that magic wand for instant healing and also for total economic support so I wouldn’t have to work full time and attend school while going through therapy, but those wishes did not come true. Not having the intimate support outside of therapy really did slow down my healing tremendously. If a person has some trusted open minded friends or family, I really encourage them to rely on them. Unlike others here, I didn’t run into therapists who wanted to make me dependent. Some of them seem downright scared of what they’d be getting into taking on my case, and two on interview rightly said that they did not feel they had the skills to help me. I respect them for that.
You offer an interesting perspective. Thank you for being generous with your self and your time.
Thank you for sharing this, it is exactly what I needed to read. I know what you mean here more than I am ready to admit.