Yesterday, I talked about dialing it back and shifting my focus from the dissociative identity disorder (DID) issues to the post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) issues. (Isn’t my life fun??)
I have recently been recognizing just how f@#$ed up my sleep patterns are. My DID mostly shielded me from just how bad it was. I had (and still have) a wolf alter part that comes out at night to protect me while I sleep. Back when I still had DID, the wolf would take over while the host personality “lost time.” I saw this as sleeping very soundly when, in reality, I was dealing with all sorts of sleep issues.
Since my host personality integrated, I have stayed co-present when the wolf comes out. I always know that I am about to fall asleep when I feel the wolf come out.
I have had messed up sleep patterns forever, but for some reason, I am finally recognizing them for what they are. Here is my pattern:
- During the day — My version of “normal”
- Sun goes down – Headache
- Dark outside – Feel depressed
- Feel anxious/triggered
- Look for ways to make it stop – binge eat or drink alcohol
- Both tired and anxious as bedtime approaches
- Delay going to bed even though I am tired
- Go to bed late
- Wrap up tightly in blankets
- Wait for the wolf
- Experience nightmares
- Awaken at 3:00 a.m.
I cannot sleep unless all of the following happen:
- Covered in heavy blankets, even during the summer
- No breeze can touch my skin
- Must breathe “new” air – cannot be warm (suffocation triggers)
- White noise drowning out nighttime noises
This is clearly not normal. I could not do all of these things when I shared a room with hub, so I pretty much did not sleep very much or very well for over a decade.
Now, if I take a nap, I have no problem dropping off to sleep or sleeping very soundly. I also rarely have nightmares.
Obviously, this is not normal. These are all aftereffects from the child abuse. I would hear the door open and jerk awake. My mother would pull the covers off me, and I would feel a cool breeze hit my body. Those were always the first two signs that abuse was going to happen.
The fact that I went without the abuse for a few years and then it started again messed with my head, too. I cannot rest and feel assured that it won’t happen again. A part of myself is always on guard at night, waiting for the abuse to start again.
What blows my mind is that this has always been the case, but I am only recently recognizing just how serious this is. I also have no idea how to make it better. I frequently take sleep aids (herbal or over-the-counter sleeping pills) to help, but I don’t want to do that every night.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
I can relate to this. Sometimes for me sleep also becomes something i have to do – like eating and washing.Im determined to ‘get it out of the way’ rather than enjoy it.
I also have locks on my bedroom door – and i have to lock it to be able to sleep.
On the other side of things, sleep can sometimes be a release for me as im not feeling all the crap from during the day.
In recent months since I started grappling with all of these issues, I’ve gone from being the best sleeper in the world, to the worst. I used to be able to sleep anytime, anywhere – all night, every night. Now I’m great at napping in the middle of the day, but rotten at night. Sleep is now a scary thing – nightmares, lying awake, etc etc etc. I now put off going to bed as long as I can and then just hope I’ll fall asleep and stay there.
Sleep aids are excellent. I don’t use them all the time, but do use them to get at least 1 decent night’s sleep in every four. If I don’t do that I turn into a scary person.
xoxo
Have you ever heard of weighted blankets? I have one, and it helps a lot (well… sleep is still a huge issue). They are filled full of plastic beads and can weigh up to 50 lbs. I got mine from Dream Catcher’s: http://www.weightedblanket.net/. I am a seamstress and these things are well made and well worth the money and the wait (mine took several months to arrive). You even get to choose your own fabrics.
I just started reading your blog and I wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I identify in many ways.
Cool!! No, I have never heard of one. I will definitely check it out.
- Faith
Dear Faith,
I know this is going to sound really strange, but have you ever explored talking to the wolf? Maybe asking him about what he can do to help you sleep soundly? Maybe he can agree to some sort of signal when he perceives danger so that during the rest of your sleep time you can sleep more soundly…?
I am a believer in Shamanic traditions, so I guess it is not very strange to me. I wish there was a healer in my area that I could work with regularly. However, there are many things that can be practiced solo. Just a thought.
I hope you get some real rest soon.
Blessings,
pf
I have talked with the wolf and invited him to integrate numerous time. He isn’t ready, and I suspect it is because I still feel very unsafe at night.
I took some prescription strength medicine on Friday night and slept 11.5 hours. Woo-hoo!! I did not nightmares. I did wake up several times during the night, but the medication knocked me right back out.
Last night (Saturday night), I slept another 10 hours. I did have nightmares again, but I did it without medication. So, I am **hoping** this means progress. At least I am not so flippin’ tired all the time.
Here in the South we have a Winter Warning in effect through tomorrow with lots of snow predicted. So, I will have the opportunity to sleep in late again tomorrow, provided that my son will sleep in. He has been sleeping in to at least 8:00 lately, so that will help.
- Faith
Hi Faith,
The first part of this post was like looking in a mirror. Whilst travelling down the slippery slope from PTSD to DID (in terms of what the therapists are saying) my sleep patterns (known more often as my “insomnia patterns”) are all over the place. I do find it helps to try and find what works and develop a bed-time process.. some way(s) of comforting parts that freak out at this time of day. Perhaps by recognising these patterns we can start working towards better management of them? Sorry I have no major insights.. but very brave and wonderful writing as always
My necessary “arrangements” for sleeping are VERY similar. I almost laughed b/c I knew exactly what you meant by “new air”. I have a couple of other steps I need to fall asleep. But, the blankets, the white noise, the air… Trying to even get to bed is a chore. So many distractions – so much to do! I must go and go and go until when I do go to bed, I collaspe in exhaustion.
Isn’t it weird how trauma affects everyone differently and yet sometimes in very similar ways?
Take care. Catherine
Hi, Catherine!!
Thanks for checking out my blog! :0)
- Faith
faith i am having so much trouble sleeping right now… i am terrified to sleep, because of body memories and they dont stop and no one sees me or hears me and im so tired but so terrified cause it happens whenever i sleep. this stinks… they tortured me and now i am tortured without them even being here.
(((( Zoe ))))
The sleep thing is soooo hard.
I find that I sleep better after I choose to release a memory. It is almost like my body is rewarding me for letting the memory out.
Hang in there.
- Faith
Cera,
I just ordered my weighted blanket. Here’s hoping that it does the trick!!
- Faith
[...] for insomnia, Dream Catchers, insomina cures, weighted blankets A while ago, I wrote about my struggles with insomnia. I shared that I must pile blankets on top of myself in order to feel safe enough to fall asleep. [...]