On my blog entry Struggle between Religion and Healing from Child Abuse, a fellow child abuse survivor blogger named Nancy Richards posted an insightful comment. I checked out her blog, and I was impressed. So, I thought I would put her blog in the spotlight today.
Nancy’s blog is called Heal and Forgive. Her tag line is “Issues surrounding adult survivors of childhood abuse, family estrangement, forgiveness, and reconciliation.” Considering that the issues of forgiveness and family estrangement are such a difficult topic for child abuse survivors, I thought you might want to know that her blog exists.
I really like what she has posted on the side of her blog. I think this is quite insightful and healing, particularly for those of you who wrestle with being true to healing yourself while, at the same time, true to your faith:
For decades, I heard from friends, relatives, therapists, and fellow Christians, that I needed to forgive my abusers in order to heal. This advice – and the attempts I made to forgive before I’d learned to exercise personal boundaries – left me open to further injury and damaged me deeply.
When I finally mustered the courage to buck societal expectations; not to forgive; and to put my own healing and well-being first, I achieved a level of healing that I never thought was possible. My period of Not forgiving created the space necessary to achieve the greatest emotional growth of my life. Wow!
The unintentional by-product of this healing, was – ironically – forgiveness.
At that time, I realized that the old adage, “Forgive and Heal,” was backwards. For me, it was “Heal and Forgive!”
If I only knew *then* that adequate healing had to come first, it would have saved me a great deal of time and pain. So, now I shout it from the roof tops “Heal, THEN Forgive!” ~ Nancy Richards from Heal and Forgive
I have found this dynamic to be true in many areas of my life. People will tell me that I need to do X to get to Y, but really I need to do Y in order to get to X. For example, my marriage improved when I was willing to leave it. Until then, I was a doormat because, no matter what happened, I was willing to stay. Once I was willing to go, things changed, making me want to stay.
That ties into what Nancy says on her blog. How can I possibly consider forgiving when I am in deep pain and unable to protect myself? However, after I am no longer in constant pain, it frees me to recognize that my abusers did not break me, which makes the thought of forgiveness a little more palatable.
I still cannot say that I have the forgiveness stuff all figured out. As I have shared before, I consider forgiveness to mean choosing to stop nursing the bitterness and, instead, use that freed up energy to help heal myself. Others tell me that forgiveness can run deeper, but I am not there. Will I ever be there? I don’t know.
So, if you are interested in reading another perspective on healing and forgiveness from someone who is farther along that process than I am, check out Nancy’s blog. I particularly recommend her blog for those of you who are Christians and wrestle with how to stay true to your faith and the wounded child inside at the same time.
Books by Nancy Richards:
- Heal & Forgive: Forgiveness in the Face of Abuse
- Heal & Forgive: The Journey from Abuse and Estrangement to Reconciliation
Photo credit: Amazon.com
Every time I read your blog, I am helped. Thank you Jesus for showing me this blog, for enabling Faith to share her journey.
Dear Faith,
I recently ran across your blog after I read about it on another survivor blog.
I was very taken with many of your heartfelt posts.
As I said in my previous comment, I read your post: “Struggle between Religion and Healing from Child Abuse,” with great empathy.
I was both surprised and honored to find your post about my blog.
Thank you!
Many blessings on your continued journey,
Nancy
How about forgiving yourself:
Forgive yourself for being young, vulnerable, unable to live up to the impossible standards your abusers placed on you. Forgive yourself for being needy, forgive yourself for having your own thoughts and opinions, forgive yourself for being alive…
In all honesty, I have given up focusing on forgiving my abusers. I do work at realizing they were inadequate and incapable of parenting. I spent years during the abuse pleading to god for let me be stronger, try harder, figure out some way to make them happy so it would all stop. It didn’t so I figured ‘I’ must be the one wrong. I begged my abusers to forgive me. I know for myself, and I think for many other survivors, the main blame is placed on our own self.
So my goal in recovery has been to forgive myself. To give myself grace. To accept all of my selves, accept that I am human, and make mistakes and to cherish myself regardless. I think for me, that has been a huge key to my recovery… to standing up for myself, to feeling that I deserve life.
Forgiving myself is much more important than forgiving them. I don’t see them seeking forgiveness, but I do see myself needing that validation.
Dear Cera,
What you say is very true!
When I was twelve, one evening, my stepfather told us that after dinner we were going to play a “game” that involved my brothers and me beating one-another. I refused. My refusal caused an argument between my mother and stepfather in which they decided to divorce. Bottom line: My mother instructed me to ask him to stay. I did as she asked because at twelve, I couldn’t handle the responsibility for my mothers divorce. I wanted her to love me.
My brothers were furious with me. As the physical abuse escalated, my mother told my brothers that it was my fault that she was still married to him. My responsibility was unbearable. I cried out to God, asking Him if it was indeed my fault, but I couldn’t hear Him over the roar of my own internal agony.
I spent most of my growing up years and early adulthood trying to forgive my mother, because 1) everyone told me that I was to blame and that I HAD to forgive and 2) I tried desperately to buy my mother’s love. It didn’t work.
When I had enough (about 35), I decided NOT to forgive and instead, learned to forgive myself. I received a lot of validation in therapy that a twelve year old isn’t capable of adult feelings and actions. Only my mother had the power to make decisions about her marriage. This of course was contrary to everything I’d ever heard from my family.
I focused solely on myself and my own healing and militantly guarded the necessity to not forgive my abusers. So, I support your decision to do the same.
I became estranged from my family (for 14 years). During our estrangement, I received endless amounts of validation from other people. They helped me heal, express my anger, mourn, protect myself, etc. It’s a process.
Many blessings on your journey,
Nancy
[...] Forgiveness — faithallen @ 6:50 am Tags: forgiving yourself On my blog entry entitled In the Spotlight: Nancy Richard’s Heal and Forgive Blog, a reader posted the following comment: How about forgiving [...]
I love that, I received the same advice, to forgive, many, many times, but was not able to do so and was infuriated by the advice. Like Nancy, it wasn’t until I stopped trying to forgive that I was able to heal, which eventually lead to a different kind of forgiving, a much healthier kind.