I have previously written on the topic of mirroring other people’s behavior after child abuse. What do I mean by “mirroring”? People who “mirror” others will observe how another person acts. They will then incorporate those mannerisms into their own persona, resulting in a “mirror” effect.
The reason that child abuse survivors do this is because we were never taught social graces or how to be “normal.” As a result, we don’t know how to fit in with other people. So, we mirror what works for another person and, voila, we are suddenly less “freaky” in social settings. This type of mirroring worked very nicely for me in ninth grade, moving me from a social outcast to my peers recognizing me in a “senior superlative” (Most Courteous) in one school year.
While mirroring has its perks, it can also cause problems in relationships. I notice the problems most in my marriage. Throughout our courtship, I mirrored hub, which is probably one reason that he married me. We rarely disagreed about anything because I simply mirrored his own views.
I did not even recognize that I was mirroring him until he started poking fun at me for being his “parrot.” He would point out different phrases that I used that came from him. I truly did not realize that I was doing this. As I began to examine the phrases that I used in everyday conversations, I realized that I was constantly mirroring either hub or a TV show. That was disturbing.
As I have healed, I have gotten in touch with my own opinions on things, and that has not gone over very well with hub. His once “always agreeable” wife now has opinions of her own. Whenever we disagree, he will ask me, “Who put that thought into your head?” I take great offense at the question and pop back that I am perfectly capable of having an original thought.
I guess I can understand why he assumes that I am “parroting” another person whenever we disagree because I did it for so long with him. However, it is insulting because I am an intelligent and well-educated woman who does not need a puppet-master to pull my strings. I have thoughts and opinions, and I hear from those who read my writings that I express myself well. So, it is frustrating to have someone assume that I am not capable of original thought.
This is just one more area of my life that was influenced by the abuse.
Related Topic:
- Mirroring Other People’s Behavior after Child Abuse
- Unmet Needs after Child Abuse: Age Six to Twelve
- Abused Adopted Children Who “Mirror” Their Peers
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Wow. I had never thought to ask about this. I’ve done this my whole life and most of the time without realizing it or wanting to. If I hang around someone with an accent I even start picking that up. It’s frustrating. I finally just embraced my inner freakishness (mostly sarcasm) and I don’t do it so much anymore. It took a while but I ended up finding people who accepted me the way I was…for the most part…but its better than being someone else. When the people I mirrored drifted away I would end up feeling empty because I wasn’t sure what was me.
I wanted to add: I read on your blog somewhere once about how you don’t think suicide is a sin or something like that. I’m sorry if this is wrong…i have difficulty with memories that never occurred (yay me! makes thing so much easier ::sarcasm::) Something about how it would be wrong to make someone go through all that…I wanted to thank you for that. Things are not going well for me at the moment and I’m dealing with said urges again. Actually they never really go away…not even when I’m happy…and always one thing..but whatever. I was thinking how just selfish and worthless I was for thinking this stuff because that is the general concensus of the people around me. My hubby “cleans up” after such things so he is very condescending to it. I’m not going to but what you said helps me not feel so bad. If I misquoted you I’m sorry…
Hi, Tawny.
This will make a good blog topic. :0)
Yes, you are correct. I said that I do not believe that suicide is a sin. I do not believe that a loving God would allow someone to experience such deep emotional agony that she would take her own life to make it stop, only to throw that person into hell. It simply does not make sense to me.
That being said, I do not “support” suicide. Choosing suicide allows our abusers to “win.” As long as I am breathing and not one of them, I won. :0)
Also, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary feeling. Those deep feelings of despair ALWAYS pass — maybe not in a day or two, but they do eventually pass. If you can just hold on a little longer, the clouds will part, and you will feel the sun again. I know how hard it is to believe this when you are being sucked down into that pit of emptiness and despair — been there, done that many times. And yet, I keep holding on, and I am always ultimately glad that I did.
Hang in there.
- Faith
it seems to me that part of mirroring as a kid was because ‘thinking for yourself’ was dangerous/not allowed, so we’d take our cues from others. so we were in a way hiding the fact that yes, we can think for ourselves, from other people. and we can do it very convincinly. so maybe not be so suprised that your hubby *is* suprised you can think for yourself after all? maybe it was so well hidden he really couldn’t see it? maybe it’s actually a good sign you could hide it (and instead ‘mirror’) so very well? a frustrating after effect now that you’re ‘wakin’ up’ the brain… but at the same time a kudos to how protective the system has been, effectively? that even the hubby couldn’t see???
does that make sense???
Hi, Vague.
Yes, that does make sense.
I was a master at hiding who I really was. I even hid it from myself. The last several years of healing have involved discovering who I am.
Take care,
- Faith
There is a whole sociological theory on this, we all do it on some level, and studies have shown this, I believe Cooley is the guy that developed the theory..its called the Looking Glass theory. Its an interesting theory
[...] @ 6:32 am Tags: committing suicide, Is suicide a sin?, suicide On my blog entry entitled Effects of “Mirroring” Others in Relationships after Child Abuse, a reader posted the following comment: I read on your blog somewhere once about how you don’t [...]