On my blog entry entitled Recovery from Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), a reader posted the following comment:
My X has DID. We were together for many years. I still love them very much. I think I made it worst simply by not understanding or by thinking I understood. It was hard for both of us. Are you finding it possible to be in intimate relationships? Any relationship advice for partners of people with DID? Or for people with DID? ~ Partner
The short answer to the question of whether intimate relationships are possible for people with DID is yes. However, it takes a lot of work and a willingness to heal. As long as a person with DID chooses to stay in “sentry” mode, never integrating and/or learning how to love and accept himself, an intimate relationship is going to be a real challenge.
I am defining an intimate relationship as one in which there is a deep emotional and relational connection. This can happen in a friendship or in a sexual relationship. My comments can be applied to both situations.
The problem with developing an intimate relationship with someone with DID is that the self/spirit is fragmented. Many people mistakenly believe that the host personality is the “real” person and that the alter parts are superfluous parts that get in the way of an intimate relationship with the host. This could not be farther from the truth. Each and every part – the good, bad, mean, angry, sad, animal, vegetable, mineral part – are all parts of one spirit. When you reject one part, you are rejecting that person, and intimacy is not going to be possible.
My host personality was just a teeny-tiny sliver of who I was. I did not fully appreciate this until I integrated my host personality into my core. Trying to have an intimate relationship with that teeny-tiny part of myself was going to accomplish nothing. I was so much more than this one part of myself.
People with DID who choose not to integrate might disagree with me, but my experience has been that I did not have the capacity to have an intimate relationship with another person until after integrating many of my alter parts, including the host personality, into a core. It is this core of myself that is capable of having an intimate relationship with another person.
I only have an emotionally intimate relationship with three people (all friends), and only one of them runs fairly deep. I was only capable of having this level of intimacy after integration. Hub and I do not have an emotionally intimate relationship, even though we are married and have sex, because he is not willing/able to “see” me. I don’t think the issue is the sex – it is his lack of willingness to connect with me.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Faith,
I like you definition of intimate relationship. You are so very good at communicating and doing it concisely! Are you published?
I am beginning to understand DID in a whole new way through your blog. Amazing.
Have a great week,
pf
Faith,
I like your definition of intimate relationship. You are so very good at communicating and doing it concisely! Are you published?
I am beginning to understand DID in a whole new way through your blog. Amazing.
Have a great week,
pf
Hmmmm… Not sure why that came through twice. Sorry!
Faith,
thank you for this. I now finally understand why I’ve never been able to be close to anyone. I’ve just recently realized that I am a multiple, and my therapist confirmed it, though deep inside somewhere there has been a suspicion of something. I want to integrate, I’m so tired of living in chaos.
barbi
I am a couple years into the “integration” phase of working through DID. But what you said is so very true. My relationship with my husband is exactly as you describe yours. I have 2 close friends with whom I can claim an intimate relationship. But I do not yet feel that I know who I am, I feel like an ever-changing landscape, but am not sure what the picture will turn out to be. It can be very lonely even tho my mind often feels quite crowded.
Thanks for your clarity!
Ruby
Faith, Thank You
I have a hard time facing the fact that my husband and I do not have a emotionally intimate relationship but we don’t and I have always blamed myself, because I do have such a relationship with two other people and one of them is a male so I have always blamed me for the lack of it with my husband but It isn’t me it is him. I’m willing to accept it this way our marriage is okay and worth staying in as long as he allows me the freedom to have others in my life that do see me and accept me.
once again you have shown me that I am not alone.
Again thanks for your blog.
Just to present another side to this, it’s a little different for me. I currently have a very close relationship with two people, plus my husband. I do have other friends, but they are not close friends, as these three are the only ones who have accepted my multiplicity. In addition to my hubby, there is my mother and a dear woman I’ve known for many years who lives on the other side of the country. We correspond by email alone, yet I’m closer to her than anyone else.
My goal is not integration, but internal harmony and healing. So far, things are going well in that respect. I think the key to my relationships is the simple fact that these people know I’m multiple and accept that. They love and respect all of my parts, not just the “host”.
My husband does have some trouble with the idea of making love to someone who is occasionally a little kid or teenager, but we’re working on that. And we do have some other issues in our marriage, but most of them relate to the after-effects of being abused in childhood, and not the fact that I’m multiple. I suspect the problems would remain, even if I did integrate.
(Not trying to argue your point, just giving another view.)
Hi, Midge.
You are definitely not alone. I used to belong to an email listserve for survivors of ritual abuse, and I was one of the very few who sought integration. The vast majority of them would self-describe as being at peace being multiple, and each would refer to herself as “us” rather than “me.”
These ladies reported being at peace with this decision, and I never got into an argument with them about it. If it works for them, then hats off to them. Who am I to criticize what works for another person? For me, though, integration was always the goal.
That being said, I still have parts that refuse to integrate. I love those parts, so I can see how a person could make it work living separate. However, in my case, I see this as my own continued refusal to deal with the issues that the separate alters faced. When I am ready to do that, those parts will integrate, too.
I am glad that you are able to have emotionally intimate relationships even in a current state of multiplicity. :0)
Take care,
- Faith
Hi, Mia.
The answer to your question about whether I am published is both yes and no. :0)
I have worked as a professional writer for over a decade. My writing through companies (writing manuals and training programs) does not bear my name, but they are published nonetheless. :0)
I have also worked as a professional blogger. Those blogs are published online and do bear my pen name.
I do not have any hardbound books on the subject of child abuse or DID published. That has been a dream of mine for a long time, but it never feels like now is the right time. Writing this blog is where I feel led at this time in my life. In the future, who knows? I would not be opposed to writing a book for publication if approached. :0)
Take care,
- Faith
I am befuddled by integration. What in the heck is it really? I no longer have a thousand voices in my head but now and then I’m definitely channeling anger from long ago or lapsing into a social me when necessary. I’m very aware of these changes of character since I’m right there, but I also realize these sides of me or not my usual ways of being. Because I see it so clearly now, does that indicate I’m integrating?
I don’t believe I’m unique in my representation of DID but would be interested in others who experience this. I literally leave, pass out, or at least that is what it appears like to others around me. But in that state I believe I hear what is going on outside of me. In the old days there was a lot of conversation going on inside of me as well. That is not the case anymore. Yet I continue to be triggered to this state. Which is another issue of mine, why in the heck after all this time don’t I get my triggers? I sometimes come out of these lapses (they can range from minutes to tens of minutes) fully aware of what happened before them. Then there are times I take a few seconds to get myself into the moment. There are no physical reasons for these lapses – believe me I have had every test in the world. They do not scare me but they scare everyone else.
Have you heard of this way of dissociating? When I was in therapy it was one of the ways my therpist led her to the DID diagnosis. But I’ve never met anyone else who experiences this.
Take care.
@ esther… i don’t know if you subscribed to the comments. i hope you did.
yes! i have had very similar experiences. for me it was an altar i named littlelost (i use her initials here LL).
i think it is similar to conversion disorder– once known as hysterical paralysis.
over time, my therapist and i learned to instigate these dissociative episodes in session, and she started to help me learn how to ground myself. for me, there was a subtext– the subtext was “i have to get on the floor!” which was a reaction to violence as a child. i learned to go dead then.
in my late adolescence and early adulthood, LL would “lay me out” in response to threat/perceived threat, even if there was NO real physical danger. sometimes for things like the way the air smelled, etc. and i, too, experienced being able to hear what was going on around me, but not respond or move. at first i thought i was having seizures, but no.
this still happens to me, but very rarely, and only when LL is really, really threatened. in the past it was a regular occurrence.
i have learned to pull myself out of that place by focusing on moving my fingers. if i can get my fingers moving, i can eventually talk and move. at first, it was almost painful to move. hard to explain. i felt like i was going to come apart.
my friends and partner have learned how to help me in that place, by staying with me, and gently touching me to help me ground. i have come to the place where i can sometimes make myself talk from that place, which is very, very hard because the inertia and paralysis is so strong, and i also lose co-consciousness. i also have a dog who is trained to come and lay with me when i end up on the floor. she presses her body against mine. any gentle, non-threatening touch seems to help me. (like having my hand held)
i have done some body work that involved triggering me into that place as well, and that has helped me learn some more tools for dealing it. this demands a great deal of trust with a therapist– because, honestly, i don’t remember most of the therapy (since i was not there). but through that process i learned to hold co-consciousness, and from there learned to speak.
it is not easy– it’s taken years of therapy to get to this place, and i am fortunate to have the support of my partner and a friend.
i have learned to talk to LL (and also let her talk to my therapist and friends) and boy, did she ever have a lot to say. she still does. she really “took” a lot of abuse, and she over-protects me still.
i also have learned to avoid getting to a place where i am overwhelmed with triggers. i keep my work schedule reasonable and have good self-care. i also do not have much contact with my family (they are my abusers). these things seem to really help.
i don’t know if this was very clear, i’m very tired today and not sure if it made sense.
good luck.
Hi Esther;
My name is Emma, and my journey with dealing specifically with DID began twenty years ago. Because I am a cult survivor and dealt with many forms of abuse I found that I had to choose healing, or my family. I disconnected from my family of origin and began intensive psychotherapy. In the initial stages of this therapy some parts developed very close relationships with the therapist while other parts watched protectively to make sure that boundaries were not violated.
My marriage ended when my husband learned I had DID, and because I had intensive therapy several times a week it was difficult to maintain relations with my children. However, I have to say that the children I gave birth to made it possible for me to understand what healthy, intimate relationships are, and even though we are no longer in contact, they it is due more to their father’s angst–and the effects it had on them.
I had several close friends who helped me through the first stages of my recovery process. I have to say that different parts had relations with different friends, which seemed to be all right for everyone involved.
I reached a point when I needed to break ties with everyone so that I could begin having a relationship with myself. I think this time alone has helped me a great deal to understand how my DID works. Many of the parts I once had have integrated; I am not sure what it will feel or be like to experience full integration, nor do I know with certainty that I can do it. But I try.
I do, currently have an intimate relationship. I was upfront with my partner from the beginning, and it has been a gradual journey of coming together. I do not think I could have this wonderful, intimate relationship with my partner had I not taken the time to be alone and get to know myself. Trust issues with other people in our circle are slower to evolve, and I don’t have the energy to have lots of relationships with lots of people.
I hope this was helpful for you. I am just beginning to blog about my journey with DID. Healing has been a long, slow journey for me… and it continues.
Best Wishes
Faith,
When the time is right, I for one, would love to see you publish on this subject. You have such an honest, insightful and gentle style of communicating which is soothing and allows the information to really get in.
You help so many with your blog, and your unique way of experiencing your past and working through it and communicating about it is something that is really needed, especially on the subject of mother/daughter abuses. Heck, you could even arrange many of these blog entries complete with comments and publish that as a start~
Anyway, you do great work, thank you!
Mia
Mia — Thanks for the encouragement. I will consider it.
Esther — I will put together a blog entry, or maybe even a series, on integration. I wrote ahead through next week because I am out of town with my family this week, so it will be a little while before I get to it.
Take care,
- Faith
hi this was real good! we quoted a bit on our blog an wrote our thoughts, hope thats ok, its here http://clarityinthemist.blogspot.com/2009/04/rejection-vs-acceptance.html
Vague,
I love what your wrote over on your blog. :0)
- Faith
I would also really like to hear your perspective on integration.
Integration, to me, is just too vague. Nobody can tell me how it happens, though many believe it must be my goal. I am a very rules oriented person. I do best and feel ‘safe’ if there is something I can DO to fix the problem/achieve my goals. Having integration as the main goal, appears far too impossible at this time (as I don’t know steps a. b. c. to achieve it) and knowing myself I would beat myself up for not achieving it now. So it frightens me any time a therapist brings it up as what I should ‘be’.
Instead I have focused a lot on internal communication, co consciousness, validation and responsibility of self. Those are things I can DO. With integration, what if I don’t live up to everyone else’s approval and expectations? What if I fail at something that is too hard for me to even comprehend.
(Also, I have to admit that I am terrified to death of having full access to all memories. If it makes other parts of me so frozen and unable to function, what will happen to me?)
I do agree, though. I think you brought up a good point about intimacy and the un-integrated multiple. I can’t say I have ever developed a true level of intimacy with anyone and it is something to think about.
[...] @ 6:32 am Tags: What is integration? What does integration feel like? On my blog entry entitled Are Intimate Relationships Possible for People with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)?, a reader posted the following comment: I am befuddled by integration. What in the heck is it [...]
[...] Are Intimate Relationships Possible for People with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)? (faithallen.wordpress.com) [...]
i have intimate relationships as a non-integrated person with DID. i was fortunate that i met my partner when we were quite young and he was prepared to take me as i was. so he has become a real ally in healing. he did not know what was wrong with me– he thought i was really crazy, and also, extremely forgetful, but he fell in love with me anyway. as time passed, and it got worse (the disintegration), i started therapy, and we realized what is going on. he educated himself about it. he does not really see me as DID, but more, he just deals with whatever is happening or whoever is out in the moment. he has become a parent, in some ways, to the younger altars. that may or may not be healthy, who knows, but it’s the way it is. they trust and love him. that took years in therapy, however.
as for integration… i prefer to think of it as an internal democracy, where all parts are working together. i see my DID as caused by fundamental crises that will never be solved– the fact that i loved and needed my abusers (i was also the victim of caregiver incest and a lot of domestic violence/torture) and yet they hurt me so much and so fundamentally betrayed me… i don’t know if the crises that resulted in me are ever going to be resolved. instead, i am looking for more cohesion, and inner communication, and a reduction in times when i am actively switching out of control.
if that results in my integration, so be it.
my therapist does not push me to integrate. i think that would just cause more problems if she did.
THANK GOD I AM NOT ALONE ! for more then 1/2 a century,i’ve known i was “different” somehow. almost total block on childhood,memory loss,mood swings,”lost time” which i attributed to memory loss. i am an active,long time player in second life and wondered why i always had multiple “alts” of different sexes and play as an sl child of 5 in both my male/female alts. yesterday at a Rainbow Helper Scout meeting,i found a mention of D.I.D. in the leader’s [ multiple ] profiles and was given a notecard all about D.I.D. which i IMMIDIATELY identifed with.. as a result,i have joined an sl D.I.D. support group and hope to delve deeper into my disorder and help myself cope with this destructive disorder. like some expressed here before,i am apprehensive on opening pandora’s box and wonder what will happen to me,will i retreat behind my alt or go completely mad ?
thank you writers for helping me understand this disorder more by giving of your D.I.D.,it’s made a difference for me in understanding my own D.I.D.
I have a friend whom I believe has DID. She seems to be struggling quite a bit. As it doesn’t seem she has much support, I would like to be there for her, but I don’t exactly know how to approach the subject. Any helpful advice would be tremendously appreciated. Thank you
T
[...] helping friend with DID, I think my friend has DID, talking about DID On my blog entry entitled Are Intimate Relationships Possible for People with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)?, a reader posted the following comment: I have a friend whom I believe has DID. She seems to be [...]
I have just recently ended a 2-year relationship with someone diagnosed with DID. I am looking for any advice possible. I’ve tried reading any resources I can find, talking to doctors, etc, but can’t seem to really get any definitive help as to how to deal with certain situations. I’ve been very supportive and I’m the only person who she actually even talks to about her diagnosis. Knowing that her mother let her father rape her repeatedly for years left me in a precarious situation of how to deal with interactions with her mother. She has been in therapy a little less than a year, but every step her therapist tells her to take in order to set boundaries with her family, who still interacts with the abuser constantly, she refuses to do. She fluctuates between being angry with her mother, who was also emotionally and verbally abusive to her, to saying her mom never knew any abuse was going on. It’s a roller coaster for me, the person who loves her, but I can deal with that. What I can’t seem to figure out is how to deal with the person you love interacting with people who have abused her and inflicted this serious diagnosis upon her. Her mother and father are now divorced, he left her mind you, but the 2 of them still interact constantly. I’ve read a lot saying that for the mother to still interact with the abuser is continued abuse. Every time she spends time around her mother, living in denial causes her to act extremely towards me every time she comes home. I’m just hoping maybe someone can enlighten me on how the hell you deal with the person you love continually putting themself in self-defeating situations and not whatsoever willing to hold these people accountable.
Hi, Ashley.
Sadly, you have no control over this. You have to set boundaries for yourself and sometimes walk away. It is hard to watch someone you love continuously put herself into harm’s way.
I deal with this with my sister, who continues a relationship with our mother/abuser. She even let our mother/abuser babysit her children for a week when she was out of the country. I said, “You know exactly how I feel about this, so I am not even going to say a word.” She said, “I know,” but she believes that the sexual abuse was just toward her daughters, and these are grandsons. I haven’t let my mother see my son since 2003 (when I started having the flashbacks about the abuse), which tells you how much I trust her around my kid.
My sister will call and vent about our mother/abuser driving her crazy. I keep reminding her that there is another option but let her make her own decisions.
- Faith
Faith-Thanks for your blog. I had a boyfriend that I originally thought was borderline, but now I’m thinking maybe DID instead. The last time I ran into him I’d walked down the street and saw him literally hanging from the bottom of a tree outside his apartment, like an eight year old boy would. Another time, I saw him at a party and he fell on the floor laughing like a small boy while talking to friends. Mind you, this is a forty six year old man. I’ve always loved him, I just had no idea how horrifically he’s probably been abused. It was a difficult relationship, and some of his behavior was a dealbreaker so we split. I could literally chart his mood swings on a calendar. He’d go from being a sweet, charming guy to a dominating abuser every two weeks or so. I know his mother was a primary abuser. Anyway, health, peace and love to you and everyone here.
I began researching DID today as preparation for a short film I wanted to write, but after reading through some of your posts and other people’s posts, I find myself confused (i guess is the best word I can think of right now) because the subject is so personal and deep that my original ideas seems stupid, and I also feel like this is a subject that should be adressed respectfully and truthfully. My wife’s mother was a victim of ritual abuse and I hesitate to inaccurately portray the struggles that you guys are facing. You guys are amazing.
I have a question for anyone who can answer on the subject of DID:
What if one portion of the person is not a good person – are you supposed to integrate this portion regardless, or should you try to overrule that portion and identify yourself as the host?
If anyone could please give me info on the “host” and things like that, it would be much appreciated! Thanks
Hi, Danielle.
I have the blog broken into categories, which you can find about halfway down the right side of the page. Click on “Select Category” under CATEGORIES, and you will find a ton of blog entries on DID, alter parts (including the host personality), etc.
I have written about integrating “evil” parts, which really are not “evil” at all. All parts are YOU, and the “evil” parts are just another way that you processed the trauma. Embracing, loving, and accepting those parts actually bring some of the deepest levels of healing.
- Faith
I have no idea how to use a message board, but I am looking to connect and ask some questions about my DID–to peers. I am just discovering my “problem.”
Anyway, please let me know where I go to connect with DID people.
Thank you,
Jeannie
Hi, Jeannie.
You are welcome to post questions here. For faster responses, check out http://www.isurvive.org. That’s the message board that I used when I had a bunch of questions after “discovering” that I had alter parts. There is one forum specifically for people with DID:
http://www.isurvive.org.uk/viewforum.php?f=42&sid=f7563d68b5469a58e530bcba03287b2d
That site is very active with members who live all over the world, so there is always someone online who can “talk” with you about your questions. :0)
- Faith