On my blog entry entitled Yearning for a Mother after Mother-Daughter Sexual Abuse, a reader posted the following comment:
For me, this is possibly the most painful repercussion of what I experienced growing up. For much of my life I have felt deep shame over this longing for a mother, and it has caused me a great deal of agony in relationships with older women around me.
It is so affirming to hear the voices of other women who are “in the middle” of this experience and feeling the same thing. It makes me feel more normal, less alone. I wonder if there are other voices of women who maybe have found different measures of healing of this gaping hole in their hearts? Does it happen? Is it possible? And probably all of us have stories of parts of this place in us that have experienced healing. I’d really like to hear about that. ~ Blueorchid8
I have found that the loss of a mother-daughter relationship is a loss to be grieved, just like any other loss. Sometimes, like when I wrote that blog entry, I feel the pain from the hole left in my heart in never connecting with my mother. Most of the time, though, I don’t feel (or notice?) the pain.
I have had to grieve multiple losses in my life, and the process of grieving those losses is always the same. I must face the reality of the loss and allow myself to experience the depth of the pain from that loss. After this, I adjust to the reality of my life without whatever it is that I am missing, whether that loss is a pregnancy, a deceased loved one, or the loss of a mother-daughter relationship. The grieving process brings you to a place where you sometimes feel the loss, but it becomes more of a wistful longing than a sharp pain.
I have found ways to meet some of my needs through friendships. For example, when I was sick last week, a friend invited me over so my kid could play with hers, and she made me some hot chocolate with mini marshmallows in it. It was just a small gesture, but it was just the kind of nurturing that I needed. I did not need a mother or older woman to do this for me. This small act of kindness met a need, and I did not once long for a mother the entire time that I was sick.
There are other areas of my life in which I must make do for myself as if I were an orphan, and that just plain stinks. It generally does not hurt, though. Instead, it makes me angry and frustrated with my life at times. I try to remember that I will not always feel so frustrated and that those feelings will pass. I have varying levels of success with that thought process.
Have any of you found ways to fill this hole in your heart?
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Hi Blueorchid8 and Faith,
For a long time, I didn’t know what it was that i was feeling. I started therapy about 3 years ago and discovered I express myself much clearer in writing and drawing. In writing once to my therapist I described this feeling to her. I told her its like I am starving but not for food. I feel like a child with the needs of a child. Later I wrote to her and asked her if I could come in to see her. I didn’t want to talk I just wnated to be safe and have her near me. I asked her if it would be ok if we could just be quiet and I could suck my thumb. I thought I was throwing myself in front of the bus, that for sure she would say no. But I was desparate – the need consumes me. She called me and said yes we could do that. So most of the time i will spend a good part of the session curled up sucking my thumb. Maybe it sounds like I am going backwards, but I need that feeling of being safe and with a mother. Sometimes the feeling of soothing and safety is so strong it paralyzes me. I would say its like a drug, but its better than any drug I have ever tried. It starts just where my ribs split and radiates outward. After these sessions, I feel calm, sedated, centered and more present. So I guess that is healing.
Only the best wishes for you both. Faith, I am sorry about your beagle – that is so sad. And I hope your mother is backing off – her therapist is an idiot. I have faith that you will be ok.
Palucci
Hi Faith,
I’m sorry for all that you’ve suffered. I feel your pain as a fellow survivor! I do feel as though I’ve moved beyond the pain of wanting someone to fill that mom role for me. But it took many years. It’s been 11 years since I had memories of abuse flood back to me. And today I’m working on helping other survivors in the very advanced stages of healing, as a coach. I haven’t worked with many survivors at this point, because I haven’t figured out how to find people who are ready for coaching rather than therapy. But that’s my ultimate goal. I do believe deep healing is possible and that transformation is possible, although I do not have DID so I’m in a somewhat different situation.
In any case, I think it’s great that you are sharing your story and journey here. It’s a real gift to other survivors. And I admire you for your courage.
Peace,
Ellen
Ellen,
I am a survivor of mother daughter sexual abuse. Please contact me at leosfireteam@yahoo.com I am 34 and there I have found little help for my recovery.
Thank You,
Lisa
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I responded on my blog. http://blueorchid8.wordpress.com/2009/04/15/needing-a-mom/
Thanks for talking about this, Faith.
i’ve searched for a second mother, a mother do-over, for pretty much as long as i can remember. i pushed and pulled and broke down over and over while i tried to make my teacher or coach or professor or boss into my new mother. i spent 16 years trying to fill this huge, painful hole in my heart, and i hated my bio mother more and more whenever she made a desperate attempt to be that mother (i.e. to pull me back in to her).
i got that rare chance at a do-over, though. the owner of a cafe i managed became an invaluable maternal figure for me, and offered exactly the nurturing i needed at the time…but only, i think, because i was also willing to nurture and take care of myself.
i responded a little more in depth on my blog.
Faith,
This is such a tough one. Every time I get near the grief of this I feel as if I will collapse under the weight of it. I can only touch it a little at a time. It is SO huge.
Rock