On my blog entry entitled Full Moon & Easter – What a Combination!, a reader posted the following comment:
At the same time, I’ve been feeling really physically ill. I saw a commercial for Easter products on tv and I blurted out to my husband, “I can’t wait for Easter to be over.” I was starting to wonder if it’s possible for the physical illness to be a strategy on the part of one of my parts…maybe to keep me from running away during a holiday season as I have in the past. ~ MarjakaThriver
Yes, I have definitely found that there is a tie between my emotional distress and becoming physically ill. I stayed very healthy all winter. I was able to shake off two or three viruses in just 1-2 days by getting lots of rest and taking lots of Airborne. Then, my mother/abuser started contacting me, and I got very sick. No matter how much sleep I got or how much Airborne I took, I just got sicker.
I don’t think this is coincidental. As long as I was sick, I gave myself permission not to deal with my mother’s latest contact. My therapist called to say that we needed to think through what to say to her if she calls me again, but I did not return his call because I was too sick. As long as I was sick, I had an excuse to avoid facing this very distressing decision. I think that being sick was an emotional relief, even though it was terrible physically.
Even after my body kicked the virus, my sinuses remained stuffy and painful. However, I never developed a sinus infection, so I have no explanation other than that I was making myself continue to stay sick to avoid dealing with my mother/abuser.
According to the book Compassion & Self-Hate, physical illness can be a manifestation of self-hate. I believe that this is true, too. I used to joke that I was allergic to the first day of a new job because I had a long history of being very sick for the first day of work. More than once, I had bronchitis. Another time, it was a stomach virus. It’s too coincidental for me just to happen to get very ill for the first day of work multiple times.
I think this was self-hate at work. I would put myself in the terrible position of having to go into work deathly ill or call in sick on the first day. It was a nightmare.
I wish I knew how to fix the problem. Learning to love myself more helped with avoiding sickness for the first day of a new job. However, I am clearly susceptible to getting sick when I am feeling emotionally overwhelmed.
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Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
I’ve never thought about getting sick as being due to self hate – that theory feels like rubbing salt in my wounds!
I know that I only have so much energy available to myself at any given time, and emotional upheaval and deep healing take A LOT of energy, energy that would otherwise go to keeping me physically healthy.
I’ve been trying to learn not to blame myself for getting sick, but to see it as my body’s message to rest, to make a safe place for myself, and lastly, to give myself credit for how hard I’m working emotionally.
I wish you strength.
How about just plain old feeling vulnerable causing stress overload and anxiety? Especially with a job situation where you are having to deal with new authority figures…
That has certainly made me sick at times…. It makes me sad to think of so many people hating themselves.
Blessings,
pf
Wow, Faith… this is such an important post for me right now. I’m sick. I feel like I’m either constantly sick, fighting off sick, or recovering from sick.
Thinking about this in terms of self-hate is really interesting – I always move into self-blame mode around getting sick. Clearly I need to shift my thinking around this (although hard for my small brain at the moment).
Thanks for another wonderful post.
Though I think it is quite possible that people sometimes just get sick, I think you are right that it can often be tied in with something emotional or psychological. Though I’m better off now, I was really a mostly physically ill person when I lived on the same street with my mother. I got sick A LOT and was often quite ill. I don’t think mine was self-hatred, though. I didn’t have my memories then and I think part of those sicknesses were my unconscious trying to draw attention to my body, especially certain parts that were abused. Then there is the question of anger (that I was not even aware of so couldn’t yell, scream and curse about) creating inflammatory conditions. And then there is the question of the immune system. Often when I have caught whatever was going around, I could see that it was my body’s way of illustrating that I was not being defended (usually from my mother). Sometimes people need to defend themselves, even at the expense of others. As in the outer world, children must be placed first often enough that they know their value and are not left undefended. Keeping in mind that sometimes people just get sick, when it seems like there is more to the story, I look for the metaphor. I get well faster when I find it.
This topic has been much on my mind lately. I have had inexplicable and incurable chronic pain and fatigue since the age of eight, and it has been increasing exponentially since I started trauma therapy. Interestingly, the external circumstances of my life have improved spectacularly since I was finally correctly diagnosed with DID, and have learned to manage some of the most troublesome behavioral interruptions. The more I make good and life-affirming decisions, the more badly frustrated are the internalized abusers who want me to suffer, and the more that hatred is turned toward my body.
It’s kind of hilarious, in a horrible way … I’ve found an incredible, understanding woman who loves me, and I’m straightening out my relationship with my parents, and functioning much better professionally … and I wake up every morning wondering whether I’ll live through the day because I really feel like I’m going to die. I know that if I were acting out my pain externally, as I used to do, I wouldn’t feel so ill. But that is no longer an option for me.
It will be interesting to see whether my therapist and I can pull the plug on my self-destructive aspects before they really do kill me. I feel that it’s a race against time, and wow, I’m losing.
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I can so relate to this post. I didn’t understand years back at why, when my Mom would visit, I would get Migraines. The only thing I did understand was that it happened when she was around me. I just assumed it was stress for preparing for her visit.
I am so glad I found your blog, thank you.