To integrate or not to integrate – that is the question for many people diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder (DID) or other forms of dissociative disorders. Is there a right or wrong answer to the question, “Should I integrate?” You will likely get a different answer to this question depending upon who you ask.
Before I answer this question, let me share a metaphor of how I view DID. Imagine that the soul is a pond. The abuse freezes it over. The continued abuse causes the ice to crack and eventually split into a bunch of different pieces. This is how I see DID. All of the alter parts feel separate, but they are ultimately all part of the same pond.
Now, imagine that that sun warms the pond. Each separate piece begins to melt and then merges back into one pond. Nothing is lost or “killed off.” Instead, the pond is restored to the state it was in before being frozen. This is how I view integration, with the sun being self-love.
I believe that internal self-harmony is a step toward integration. As the parts become aware of one another, they begin to melt through self-love and recognize that they are part of a system. Some people with DID fear integrating their parts because they do not want to “lose” any part of themselves. My experience has been that all of the parts are still there but experienced in a different way, just as the part of the pond that was once frozen in ice still exists, just in a different way.
My goal in healing was always integration. I joined an email list serve where most of the people with DID did not have this goal. We chose to respect each other’s choices. Each person must find what works for him or her.
In my case, I still have some parts that remain separate, even though I have “invited” them to integrate for a long time. I have come to recognize that this is okay, too. I still feel unsafe when I sleep, so I still feel the need to have a separate alter part watch over me as a sleep. I love this part dearly, and I welcome integration, but I guess that I still feel the need for this part to exist in the way that it does. I do not view myself as any less “healed” because of this.
I do think it is extremely helpful for the host personality to integrate into the core. Until this happens, you might still continue to lose time, which is scary. I found integrating the host personality to be transforming in many wonderful ways.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
[...] Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID): Should I Integrate? [...]
Faith,
That is a great analogy. Really great. I like the visual aspect of it a lot!
I have an additional suggestion for people who would not find it triggering. Some may. It’s called a Soul Retrieval. It is used by many Native /Earth religion cultures and is performed by a Shaman. (It is NOT an Exorcism!) The ancient religions have known for many centuries that all illness begins with soul injury. There is an ancient method of healing where the Shaman travels to meet and communicates with the shattered parts of the soul and invites them back. Also included are usually instructions for the client as to what may be helpful or required by these soul pieices to keep them healthy and integrated.
I don’t think it’s a replacement for therapy, but I have done it and it made a huge difference for me. Some people require ceremony or some kind of participatory/visceral activity in order to feel like an active part of their own recovery and may be helpful for some. The actual healing exercise does not require anything of the client other than to relax and possibly some visualizations. (not of abuse, positive visuals)
Just thought i’d mention that.
Great post as always.
Mia
Faith, What a really wonderful post. I just found your blog and love what I’ve read so far. I look forward to checking back. We think alike and this is refreshing. One thing to consider is that maybe the people on your email group didn’t have the same definition of integrating. For me I often use the word, but really mean collaboration. I can see integration as the ice on the pond melting, but still keeping some of its characteristics that make each piece special. I love the analogy. Wonderful.
Paul
For some people, the problem is that some of those chunks of ice contain poison. Better to leave them frozen than to contaminate the entire pond.
[...] I shared in this post, I view integration as using self-love and acceptance to “melt” the barriers that split the [...]
Hi, Ethereal Highway.
I respectfully disagree. I think that will make a good blog topic. In a nutshell, every single part is a part of you. Therefore, all parts are good and belong, even when they do not feel that way. I will write about this.
Have a good weekend!
- Faith
It’s not that the part is poison, but the information it contains is (and thank you for saying that because I believe that all parts are good). I have hit a wall where there just is not any way to deal with that information. At this point it seems like having the information unhinges things so badly that it is dangerous.
EH,
That doesn’t mean that you cannot EVER handle the information — just that you are not ready yet. Eventually, if you want to heal fully, you will need to face and heal all of your truths, no matter how poisonous they are. You can pace your healing and wait until you are ready. However, choosing never to face all of your truths means choosing never to fully heal because you are living your life rejecting one part of your experience.
Hang in there.
- Faith
[...] destructive alter parts, hostile alter parts, self-harming alter parts On my blog entry entitled Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID): Should I Integrate?, a reader posted the following comment: For some people, the problem is that some of those chunks [...]
i become a completely different person at night..going to bed i feel like i am playing this game of someone is hurting me and i am hoping someone will rescue me. i have played this game since i was very very young maybe 5 or 6. it comes and goes; when i am really stressed it gets worse, last night it caused me to have lack of sleep because i kept waking up feeling like the game must continue..does this make sense to anyone. i remember as a kid playing dead in bed lying really still but know one comes to rescue me.