On my blog entry entitled Are Intimate Relationships Possible for People with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)?, a reader posted the following comment:
I am befuddled by integration. What in the heck is it really? I no longer have a thousand voices in my head but now and then I’m definitely channeling anger from long ago or lapsing into a social me when necessary. I’m very aware of these changes of character since I’m right there, but I also realize these sides of me or not my usual ways of being. Because I see it so clearly now, does that indicate I’m integrating?
I don’t believe I’m unique in my representation of DID but would be interested in others who experience this. I literally leave, pass out, or at least that is what it appears like to others around me. But in that state I believe I hear what is going on outside of me. In the old days there was a lot of conversation going on inside of me as well. That is not the case anymore. Yet I continue to be triggered to this state. Which is another issue of mine, why in the heck after all this time don’t I get my triggers? I sometimes come out of these lapses (they can range from minutes to tens of minutes) fully aware of what happened before them. Then there are times I take a few seconds to get myself into the moment. There are no physical reasons for these lapses – believe me I have had every test in the world. They do not scare me but they scare everyone else.
Have you heard of this way of dissociating? When I was in therapy it was one of the ways my therpist led her to the DID diagnosis. But I’ve never met anyone else who experiences this. ~ Esther
I find it helps to think of DID as being at the far extreme of the dissociation continuum. (This information is courtesy of Martha Stout’s fabulous book, The Myth of Sanity.) Imagine a continuum. On the far left is normal dissociation that everyone experiences, such as “losing yourself” in a good movie and “forgetting” that you are sitting in a crowded theater. In the middle is post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). On the far right is DID. Between PTSD and DID are the other dissociative disorders.
As you heal from DID, you are moving down the continuum from DID toward PTSD and, hopefully, past that and closer toward normal dissociation. Even after you integrate from DID, you still have the “fun” task of working through the same issues that anyone with PTSD has.
As I shared in this post, I view integration as using self-love and acceptance to “melt” the barriers that split the spirit into multiple parts. As you melt the barriers, you move naturally toward integration.
The “passing out” you experience is your host personality being pulled back inside to safety. After you integrate your host personality, that will no longer happen, and you will stop losing time. I would experience this by feeling lightheaded. I have memories from the host personality perspective of one abuser walking into the room, shutting the drapes, and then immediately opening the drapes again. I would be unaware that hours might have passed.
As long as you feel safe and calm, you probably do not experience losing time. Time loss comes from being triggered. Instinctively, an alter part will take over and “protect” the host personality. As you choose to love and accept each part as “me,” you no longer have a need to stay separate, and you will naturally integrate.
The key to healing from all child abuse, no matter how you reacted (through PTSD, DID, or something in between) is loving and accepting yourself. Love and embrace each part as “me.” Accept that each memory, no matter how foreign it feels, happened to “me.” All of this will help facilitate integration.
To me, integration felt like putting my arms down after holding them high in the air for most of my life. I could stop pouring energy into the barriers that separated my spirit into an “us,” and I used that freed up energy to heal myself.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Thank you for posting this. For your reader, Esther, I think it’s important for her to know that what she experiences is not abnormal or unusual. From everything I know, dissociation is experienced differently by each of us. Martha Stout makes this clear in her book too. My experience bears this out as well as talks with experts. I think one of the things we need to keep in mind is that we have to get away from thinking that we stay fixed somewhere on the dissociative spectrum. As we heal, we don’t march down the ladder to less dissociation in a linear way. Instead we are always sliding up or down depending on a lot of factors. Esther’s experience is one of healing. Your inside parts are trusting you and you are trusting them and there is more awareness. This can be very confusing because this is not what we are used to. But these are the steps we must take. As far as the word integration goes, I think it’s an overused term and means different things to different people. I’ll write soon about it on my site. But thanks for bringing it up Faith.
Hi, Faith, this is the first time I’ve commented on your blog, but I have been reading for a couple of weeks and am very grateful you’re here
What Esther described is exactly what I experience now! She is absolutely not alone in this. My dissociation has gotten less severe and easier to recognize before it takes over completely as time and healing have taken place. I don’t lose time anymore, though I do often have trouble with remembering more than just vague fuzziness when I’ve “left.” I’ll be able to remember some visual clips but not the words being spoken to me or any physical sensations, for instance.
Welcome to my blog, mamarosebud!
- Faith
Thanks so much. I’m so happy to have somewhere (even if just online) that I don’t have to pretend to be “normal”
Even when I’m just reading your posts, I get to your homepage and it’s like stepping into a welcoming space; in this place no one has to hide 
Faith,
Thank you for this week’s blog, it has been so helpful to examine these perspectives. I love the analogy of the pond. You talk about the need to integrate the host personality, how is this different than integrating the other parts? Is it just the fact that you don’t lose time anymore? I don’t lose time that I’m aware of, so I’m assuming that my host personality has integrated to some degree, but there are definetly other parts that get triggered, however, I am aware when those parts are active, it almost feels like I’m watching myself in a play.
I want to thank you for the post, Faith, and the comments made. Paul touched me. His comments drew me to the healing I have done and the difference, oh my God, the difference in how I am now and was just a few short years ago.
Although I become confused walking this path I get things about myself that reassure me that I’m moving. When I wrote what Faith responded to I was frustrated that somehow I was not getting it. Everyone else was getting it but not me. Then I calmed down, took some very deep breaths and remembered that this is about me. Just me and comparisons are only going to slow me down.
Most appreciated the perspectives regarding integration. It is clear to me that I have accepted many parts of me, but it is also clear I have some to go. There is fear on my part of knowing more than I already do so those parts I keep hidden until I’m ready. I know and trust myself to hear them when I can.
Interestingly, just today, I saw a documentary on children sold by their families to brothels in Viet Nam. Four children were followed over five years. One in particular had her traumas defined as so overwhelming to her that she would faint/go away when she began to remember – or was triggered I thought to myself. It was comforting as was the message above from mamarosebud.
Once again, thank you. I come away from this feeling like I continue to work on myself in a way that is good for me and in my own time. Needed that reminder. Take care.
Esther, No problem! It’s nice to be with others who are also on similar journeys.
[...] @ 6:23 am Tags: host personality, integrating the host personality On my blog entry entitled Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID): What is Integration?, a reader posted the following comment: You talk about the need to integrate the host personality, [...]
It is so nice to be able to read about the exact things that I have started to experience. The way I feel is I am starting to trust my insides, and therefore the communication has stopped from others. Now it feels like I am thinking the thought as one. My question is has anyone ever experienced grieving the loss of the other personalities inside? It feels like a feeling of loss, and at the same time a feeling like I have gained more control over myself. This is all new to me and I’m not sure if I am intergrating or not. I just know that I to am befuddled about intergration. Anyones input would be very apprecieated.
I am scared to integrate, will I have all the memories and feelings? I am scared of the feelings as the other parts of me have been writing what happened to them, but for the first time they have been writing about there feelings. I see the parts and feel there feelings and it makes me cry, I never feel I am like a robot and I definately don’t cry. I still say it happened to them and not to me.
[...] alter parts, scared of integration, What happens after integration? On my blog entry entitled Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID): What is Integration?, a reader posted the following comment: I am scared to integrate, will I have all the memories and [...]
I am scared of Integration but i feel that it is necessary for me to do. I am a husband and father of two. My oldest son has been told that he has seventeen fathers and one mother. He does not question it because he has seen them and knows they are different. There is one ego state that is the father and husband. The rest of us just kinda stand by and watch.
My wife has a seperate sex life with each and we get jealous alot. The strain on my wife is considerable though she would never complain. She knew what she was getting into when she married me. She loves me completely but at some point i have to recognize that she doesnt deserve to live this way. I am getting no pressure from her to integrate she has said that it would be nice but that it is a desicion that is entirely up to me to make.
Will i lose them? They have saved my life and i owe them everything. Will they be gone? Will i be alone? I am desperately afraid of being alone. I have not been alone in my mind since i was three. What happens when they are gone? What do i become then?
Hi, Jesse.
After you integrate, nothing is “lost.” You experience that part of yourself in a different way, and that part always get to be “out” as part of your core. This article is the one that gave me the courage to try:
http://www.sidran.org/sub.cfm?contentID=73§ionid=4
For example, the first alter part I “met” was Irate, who was (obviously) an angry part. I was saddened at “losing” Irate through integration. However, I experienced Irate in a different way. Instead of only being able to express anger when she was “out,” I now always have access to that part of myself. I don’t have to be separate to have her inside of me.
- Faith
When I was reading Esther’s comments about her experience with DID and integration it reminded me of when it began. The moments when the “psychological forecast” would shift was terrifying for me because of the awareness involved with the changes. Also I have experienced various symptoms after coming together in my head. I asked myself for a week or two if I had become depressed again because I wasn’t able to apply myself. There were two long months this past November and December where severe vertigo, profuse sweating and a sensation of terror dwelled non stop. I slept a lot and kept track of what went on each day in journal so I could look back and see what was going on. I asked my therapist about 2 years ago if she could tell when I would shift and she said it was hard to although there were many slight variations. Since I was diagnosed 96 marked and documented personalities/personas and “borderlines” which are classified as emotions without identities emerged. When I moved closer towards the final phases of integration these moments of rage or extreme sadness (acknowledging Others experience) were more noticeable as I healed. First severing ties with my biological family, then not getting involved with toxic people or co dependence and being mindful of these unhealthy behaviors. This information is not for me to feel important it is to help others that have dealt with trauma due to chronic abuse. As far as the “body memories” I believe that my fatigue is from the exhaustion of being “all together, aware and alive” initially there was no filter protecting me from any stimuli. Now I am dealing with migraines and am very tired. This is all on the positive side of healing, that “there is life on the other side of despair” (to quote Jean-Paul Sartre) It only gets better from here if you want it to be. This is my first time to this site and would like to say that facing our fears is brave and petrifying, to all those who have not only survived past existence, but will live. I was happy for the first time in my whole 26 years on this planet 2 years ago. Had no idea what I was experiencing, it took a week for me to figure it out. Life is possible and living is the most beautiful way this world has ever seemed. There are monsters in the suit of men and women and they have failed to break the cycle of their own issues. I think this is enough for now, just wanted others to know that most of humanity is brought together by pain more often than happiness. However that does not have to be a forever way of thinking.
Has anyone experienced false integrations? Where you feel you’ve finally become one, the voices in your head seem to have gone away but they haven’t? I know someone who’s gone through this several times in the 12 years I’ve known him. Is this a “pressure release” mechanism to help him cope with it?
Hi, Luis.
I would not classify it as “false” integrations, but I experienced several levels of integration. My alter parts were “stored” in “layers,” so I would integrate a layer and believe I was whole. Then, I would have another layer of parts to integrate, which felt like starting over, but it wasn’t. When you complete a corner of a jigsaw puzzle, it’s completed even though the entire puzzle is not.
~ Faith
i am suffering…..i can’ control all these people……i am just coming to know what it is that i am dealing with and i find it to be a horror…. have no idea which one is speaking for me now, and i have no idea about when i made the “switch”……are these severe headaches related to my d.i.d?……i go to the veterans hospital for therapy but i dont think that they know what it is that they re dealing with……i know i don’t and that is what lead me here……i have soooooo far to go and i am terrified