As I shared here, here, and here, one of my focuses (obsessions??) over the past five weeks has been fighting my eating disorder (binge and compulsive overeating). I am happy to report that I am making good progress. I measure progress in two ways – by what is going on in my body as well as by what is going on in my head.
Let’s start with my body. Since I braved stepping on the scale five weeks ago, I have lost ten pounds. That averages out to two pounds a week, which is what, by all accounts, is considered a healthy rate of weight loss. I am feeling better about my body physically. My “fat pants” are annoyingly loose, and I am now wearing a pair of jeans that I have not even bothered trying to wear in a very long time. So, I am on the right track physically.
When it comes to an eating disorder, emotional progress is a completely different animal. You do not want to go from one extreme (binge eating) to the other (starving yourself). Instead, you want to find a healthy medium that enables you to feel like the eating disorder is not controlling you. I really battled the first couple of weeks, but I have now worked out a rhythm that is working for me.
Another part of emotional progress is how you feel about yourself. Most of the time, I drive a diet by degrading myself. I tell myself that I am a fat cow who does not deserve to eat, etc. I use my self-hatred to fuel the weight loss. I am not doing that this time. Instead, I am trying to listen to my body and feed it small portions whenever it is hungry. I might eat five or six times a day with most of those times being a healthy 100-calorie snack.
Another measure of progress is my reaction to messing up. Let’s face it – I have been binge eating since I was 12 years old, so I am going to “fall off the wagon” from time to time. That happened when I went to the movies last weekend. A friend bought a huge tub of popcorn for us to split since I paid for the tickets. I was only going to eat “a little bit” of popcorn. Uh … that’s not exactly what happened … the best laid plans and all…
Instead of getting angry with myself, I went to bed with a slight stomachache and began the next day back on track. I am coming to realize that one overindulgence from time to time is not going to make or break my weight. My body size is reflective of how I am treating my body over time, not one instance.
So, right now I am feeling pretty good about myself. I am eating in a way that works for me. It is not a “diet” so much as a lifestyle change. I am still very susceptible to feeling the pull of the eating disorder, but I am trying to meet those emotional needs in other ways. When that doesn’t work, I have a glass of wine or take a Xanax (this is mostly an issue in the evenings). If that isn’t working, then I’ll have a small snack rather than a binge. Then, I start fresh in the morning. So far, so good.
Related Topics:
- Aftereffects of Childhood Abuse: Eating Disorders
- How to Stop Binge Eating or Compulsive Overeating
- How to Stop Binge Eating
- How to Control Binge Eating
- Binge Eating/Compulsive Overeating And The Adopted Child
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Congratulations Faith! I have ED also, so I am really empathetic about his prob. Its a tough one to get a handle on. Sounds like you are doing great with it. I’m very happy for you.
I’ve found that if I have a project going that I can work on, I do not feel pulled by the ED urge to anxiety eat. I also do the small meals/snacks several times a day as you described. My nutritionist suggested protein smoothies in the am because they give a good amount of protein and extra vitamins, etc, and they also facilitate the body burning more calories. (You can also just mix the protein powder into some rice milk. Many of them are quite yummy and not chalkie like the old kinds.)
Anyway, I’m proud of you Faith. I know how hard this can be.
Keep up the good work!
Mia
Faith, Congratulations!
I think I keep telling you, but I will tell you again. You are working so hard!
Paul
I wonder how good it feels to feel in control of your eating again? You have every right to feel proud Faith!
Mandy
Hi, Faith -
Isn’t it interesting how the ebb and flow of our successes and challenges provide the opportunities to be productive and then to be reflective?
Great job of finding the motivation to take care of your body! I know it can be a challenge — I’m proud of you!
- Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
http://mmaaggnnaa.wordpress.com/
[...] Filed under: Triggers — faithallen @ 7:57 pm It’s hard to believe that I wrote such a positive blog entry last week, because I am not doing well these days. I finally figured out what the problem is – I am [...]
[...] 6:57 am Tags: end of school triggers, summer triggers It’s hard to believe that I wrote such a positive blog entry last week, because I am not doing well these days. I finally figured out what the problem is – I am [...]