Yesterday, I kicked off a series on obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). I have struggled with OCD symptoms for most of my life. Each day, I am focusing on another symptom of OCD.
The OCD symptom that I found most troubling was repetitive thoughts. I am happy to report that I was able to (eventually) end the need to engage in repetitive thoughts. Repetitive thoughts are exhausting, and they interfere with your ability to stay focused on what is going on around you.
I started experiencing repetitive thoughts after my father died suddenly while I was a senior in high school. My mother started sexually abusing me again, so I (obviously) was experiencing an enormous amount of anxiety.
One day, it hit me that I could drop dead just like my father did, and I would burn in h@#$ if I had committed a sin that I had not yet asked for forgiveness for. (See my posts on spiritual abuse to understand my warped thinking about religion at the time.) So, I came up with a “mantra” (for lack of a better word) that I would repeat in my head throughout the day: “Please forgive me for all of my sins. In J****’s name I pray. Amen.”
I would say this phrase hundreds of times a day. If I was not engaging my brain in something else (like a conversation), I was reciting this phrase in my head. I would sometimes even interject it during a conversation!
I found a cadence in the phrase that had eight beats to it. I needed to “feel” those eight beats repeatedly throughout the day. The cadence would relieve my anxiety but not for long, so I would do it again … and again … and again.
When I started this, I had never heard of OCD. I knew that I had quirks, some of which were amusing, but this form of OCD was exhausting. I even wound up adding a finger gesture that matched the cadence. I will still sometimes catch myself doing the finger gesture when I am feeling anxious.
For me, the best way to stop this symptom was to engage in meditation. My mind was always racing, thanks to the post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Meditation taught me how to allow my mind to be still. Once I learned how to silence my mind, I no longer had a reason to “fill” it with the cadence.
Related Topics:
- Aftereffects of Childhood Abuse: Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
- Trauma Tuesday: Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and the Traumatized Adopted Child
- How to Identify Signs of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
- How to Identify Symptoms of OCD
- How to Minimize the Effects of OCD
- How to Cure OCD
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Wow. I did that too. When I was in 9th grade. I couldn’t handle the anxiety and guilt of the previous year, and saying a similar phrase to yours was what would make me feel (sort of) safe.
I just told my counselor about this, and she asked, So how did you stop? I have no idea.
I had this every since I was 4… I was laying in bed and for some reason something in my head said “I hate God” and when I said that I made up for it by coming up with a bunch of stuff to say in my head to compensate for saying I hated God. Over time it got worse and I was scared of going to Hell. I always wondered if anybody else in the world had this problem and I hated myself for it. I tried talking to my family and they just kind of shrugged it off like it was nothing because I was so young. Their were several nights that I just stayed up all night crying because I couldnt get these phrases out of my head. In school It was really hard to concentrate and read but somehow I got by and I never talked to anybody about it. Sometimes I would talk to somebody and one of the phrases I had in my head would just come out and they were like wtf. I was so young and I thought I had a demon living in me. It only completely went away last year, I’m 15 now. I have no need at all to have to say these phrases but I’ll never forget them as long as I live. I still think I have OCD repetetive thoughts but it’s not as bad and it doesn’t have to do with religion.
You and I had pretty much the exact same experience! I was worried as I got older that it was a form of schizophrenia or something but now I think it was an obsessive compulsive thought disorder. Interestingly enough I developed a terrible anxiety disorder as I got older and got panic attacks all the time. I still get them the odd time. I am on ten milligrams of paxil a day.
Feel free to add my facebook (Andrew) if you want to chat about this. I am very curious about your experience!
[...] I talked about repetitive thoughts. Today, I will focus upon repetitive actions, which are also known as [...]
I used to do the same thing with the ‘mantra’. There were a few I would say, similar to the one you mentioned, and I also found a cadence to it that was mildly comforting. I still hear it from time to time, but I mostly shut out any thought that is remotely spiritual. By the way, just found your blog a couple of days ago, and it is extremely helpful to know I’m not alone in this. I must say, I don’t know how you manage to be so organized. My writing has devolved over the last year or two into mostly ‘free association writing’ (not to dig on it, I’d just like to be more grounded and able to write with more clarity), with less frequent cohesive and coherent entries. So, yeah, kudos to you for creating such a coherent and accessible resource in your writings.
Welcome to my blog, Sarah!
I am a professional writer, so I am sure that helps. Writing helps organize my thoughts. Otherwise, they ping around in my head and make me feel crazy. LOL
I am going to write about something you said here — about shutting out anything spiritual. I have found that getting in touch with my spirituality (not religion but spirituality) has been instrumental in helping me heal. I will explain how and why. I hope that will help you and others.
Take care,
- Faith
[...] am Tags: child abuse, Reiki, spirituality and healing from child abuse On my blog entry entitled Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD): Repetitive Thoughts, a reader posted the following comment: I mostly shut out any thought that is remotely spiritual. ~ [...]
This entry is so relate-able for me! I grew up in an extremely strict religious environment that fostered my OCD fears. I, too prayed that same prayer (nearly word for word!) for years. I still find a comfort in saying that repetitive phrase although I don’t struggle so much anymore with NEEDING to say it.
I really thought I was the only one who ever thought that…but to see this entry makes me feel so much better!
Thanks for the information. I’m 65 now, and at confirmation, the nun told us to each get our own phrase, such as the one you mentioned, to say over in our heads. I did, and boom, I was off. It evolved, however, to images. Ugly, repulsive images that keep popping up and I have to work them out in my head. Hard to explain. Very bad lately. Can’t watch TV or read a book without these images popping up every few seconds. I tried inositol from information on a web site for helping OCD, but does not seem to be working. I will try meditation. Thank you.
Looks like my OCD runs deeper than I thought… I too since childhood would repeat lines in my head that calmed me down or made the world right… its a lot calmer now.. but comes and goes
Wow I have the exact same problem. I thought it was just me. So glad to know it happens to others.