On my blog entry entitled Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID): Recognizing That Parts Were Always There, a reader posted the following comment:
Faith, You said, “I used some techniques to access my subconscious mind”. Is that something you could elaborate on? ~ blueorchid
I have heard of different ways to access the subconscious mind. Some methods work better than others depending upon your own personality and history.
The tactic I was referring to in that blog entry involved free association writing. I type very quickly (over 90 WPM), and my handwriting is terrible, so I prefer to do free association writing at the computer rather than with a pen and paper. I closed my eyes and just started typing. I would let go of any conscious thought and allow my fingers just to type whatever they wanted to type.
This is an example of some of my free association writing from 2005. It is very long, so I will continue the topic again on Monday. I am including the whole thing because I think it helps you to understand free association writing a little better. I later recovered the full memory and talked it through with my sister (I used LS in the dialogue for “little sister” — I wrote the original spelling of her real name in the free association writing. She has since changed the spelling of her name.)
****** Graphic trigger warning – sexual and ritual abuse – profanity triggers ******
Box. Thrice. Box. Thrice.
Box. Children in a box. Box locked up. Children suffocating. Children die. Children. Box. Box. Box.
Thrice. Thrice. Three times. Three times three Daddy. Three times three.
Daddy. Why? Daddy why? Daddy too? Daddy too? Not daddy too. Not daddy too.
Not daddy no. No fuck LS. No fuck her. No daddy stop. No daddy stop. LS. Stop Stop LS LS LS LS LS LS
No no no no no
Daddy stop daddy stop daddy stop
No daddy no fuck no fuck not LS
Daddy in a box in a box
Box dark cold scared
LS tied to chair to chair tied blind blind daddy blind blind daddy blind daddy fuck no daddy fuck no no no no no no
Daddy no fuck LS no fuck LS no fuck no fuck no no no no
Daddy come bonfire bonfire pictures photos bonfire pictures photos daddy daddy daddy
No daddy no daddy no daddy no daddy no daddy
Fire high hot high hot like sun hot big fire big fire big fire
Daddy in robe white robe daddy in robe in robe why here? Why here? Why daddy in robe? Why hurt me? Why hurt me? Why come over here to me no want to touch his thing not want to not want to don’t make me no no no no no
Not touch not touch not hard not touch not touch not touch not touch
Touch gross sick bile vomit not want no going over to LS going there no don’t go there no daddy look daddy look look look why not look why not look
Not stick out penis not do that not to LS no not to LS no not to LS no no no no no no no no no no no no no
Stop daddy stop daddy stop stop stop stop stop stop stop
Why daddy why he do this to us why daddy why be here why at fire why at bonfire why here why here?
Bright bright like day bright light see all see all see fire see people see lawn chairs see people see robes see men and women see people see daddy see box
Fit in box children fit in box both fit in both latch lock latch lock locked in suffocating hot no air no air hot musty scared locked in box locked in box locked can’t get out with LS
Locked inside hurt scared want to die want to get away want to die die die die die die die die
Not daddy too not daddy too not daddy too not daddy too
Not him too no no no no no no no no no
Not betrayal not from him not all not all not all all all all all grown ups all bad all bad all mean all bad all bad
Hate grownups hate all hate people hate life want to die die die die die die die
Kill me kill kill kill die die die die bang head bang head bang head stop stop stop stop stop want to die die die die die
Kill me die die die die die
Hate box hate daddy hate box hate bonfire hate hate hate hate hate
Hurt LS why hurt LS why why why why why
Why hurt LS why hurt in box why
Bonfire box thrice thrice thrice thrice three three three three three three three
Why three why three why three
Three times he did me. Three times he did me three times he did me three times he did me three times he did me three times he did me three times he did me three times he did me three times he did me three three three three three
Hate hate him hate him hate him for all didn’t stop didn’t stop didn’t stop hates me hate him hate him hate him didn’t stop hurt me didn’t stop hurt me hurt LS hurt me didn’t stop didn’t stop hurt me hurt him hurt hurt hurt
Want to die want die
Beard hate beard wore beard hate beard hate beard beard to disguise in case caught beard to disguise to hide to hide hurt hurt me didn’t know hurt me
Eyes covered eyes hide photos proof photos proof
Hurt me hurt me hurt me hurt me hurt me
Hurt hurt hurt hurt hate hate hate hate hate hate bang head bang head bang head want to die die die die die die
Kill die kill die die kill die die die die die
Why why why
Photo credit: Rosanne Mooney
My God Faith. I am so sorry.
This makes me want to scoop up every abused child and care for them. I wish I could.
Safe hugs.
Mia
[...] 2009 Filed under: Free Association Writing — faithallen @ 6:27 am On my last blog entry, Techniques for Accessing the Subconscious Mind: Free Association Writing, I shared a sample of my free association writing from 2005. I sat in front the computer, let go of [...]
Faith, I admit that I didn’t read carefully the free association part. It’s late here and I didn’t want to be triggered. But I do get the point. I have done such an approach with mixed results. Now, I must say, that everything is carefully filtered. My blog is way over-edited. My private journal, which was supposed to be a semi stream of conscious, has turned out to be quite heavily edited and carefully worded. I would like to try this and you’ve given me a good idea. I just have to have the guts to try it because I am almost certain I would be surprised as to what gets written.
Thanks, Paul
Dear Faith
Firstly, I wanted to say I have been thinking of you…you have been going through so much recently. My heart goes out to you, you are such an inspiration and source of amazement and awe to me.
I wanted to wait to ask this question for an appropriate time.
I have started trying to do the free association writing. I don’t close my eyes, but just write in a notebook. If I don’t keep my eyes open you get about 4 lines on a page!
I have two questions.
1. What if what you write is just the same over and over again? Nothing new, just the same thing? This is so frustrating, another block. I want to be able to unlock hidden areas, but I cannot get there, even by doing this exercise.
2. Is what we write a memory, or simply a creation of our current mindset? The reason I ask is because I am wondering whether I am able to trust what I write as being the truth, or is it just fiction? Certainly, I am always questioning myself about the abuse, but I’m feeling especially confused about this particular issue.
Any help you are able to give I would be most grateful for. Thank you for being the inspiration and person you are.
LB
Faith
Firstly, I would like to say I have been thinking of you. You have been going through so much recently, my heart goes out to you in the dark spaces and painful places.
I wanted to wait until the appropriate time to ask these two questions about the free association writing.
1. What if what you write is the same, over and over again? Nothing new, no insights, no breakthroughs, just the same every time you try it? I am trying so hard to open the hidden drawers in my mind, and this is incredibly frustrating. Am I doing something wrong?
2. How much am I able to trust what I write? For example, is this a true insight into the hidden memories or is it just a piece of creative writing I’ve made up? (I hope its not made up, making that stuff up would be pretty disturbing). I am particularly questioning myself at the moment, but I am interested in the “reliability” of what I write.
Thank you for any help you may be able to offer, and thank you for being the inspiration and person you are.
LB
Oops…sorry about the double post. I did one, thought it hadn’t worked so did it again and hey presto. Sincere apologies for my computer gremlins that fooled me.
[...] Healing Methods — faithallen @ 7:16 am Tags: meditation, yoga On my blog entry entitled Techniques for Accessing the Subconscious Mind: Free Association Writing, a reader posted the following questions: 1. What if what you write is just the same over and over [...]