In my last couple of posts, I have shared my own experience with free association writing. That was the most powerful way that I found to access my subconscious mind. However, it was not the only way.
Another way that worked for me was writing a letter, using pen and paper, that I never planned to send. This was when I was trying to learn how to access my anger toward my mother/abuser. I decided to sit down at the table and write her an unfiltered letter that I would never send. The purpose was to help me access my anger, so there was no reason to involve another person in the process.
I began the letter along the lines of, “You stupid b@#$%,” and it went from there. At first, my own conscious thoughts were going down on paper. However, once my anger realized that it finally had a voice, it took over. What happened next was incredibly healing but also kind of freaky because I did not understand what was going on.
My rage started tumbling out of me, and my pen could not keep up. However, this did not even matter. All of the words that I needed to say were flooding my mind and exploding out of me, even though my pen could not keep up.
As the intensity escalated, I stopped even trying to form words on the page. Instead, my pen kept coming into contact with the paper, but it was no longer forming words. To quote my kid, it looked like “scribble scrabble.” I filled up seven pages of papers with nothing but a bunch of wavy lines that were imprinted deeply on the paper through my rage.
My head and body shook as I filled page after page with no words at all. However, as I did this, the words that I needed to express were tumbling out of my head. I could “hear” the “loud thoughts” expressing all of the rage that I had held back for decades. Even though there was no record what I was thinking on the pages of scribbling, my rage had somewhere to go, and the process was incredibly healing and empowering.
Afterward, I was emotionally spent, and I felt a little foolish throwing away seven pages of “scribble scrabble.” However, I felt much better than I had in a long time. I felt empowered by the release of all of the pent up rage.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
I seem to rant a lot in my personal journal about marital difficulties. I think that’s interesting. Sometimes there are expletives. I rather find it helpful in a strange kind of way. Thanks for sharing Faith. Paul
I journaled for most of my life. After my father died, I recovered my memories. Over time I looked at my journals from the perspective that I was DID. I had never noticed before the different handrwriting styles, the perspectives that were obviously from various parts of me, the truth that I had been sexually, emotionally, physically, and spiritually abused. It was right there. All kinds of evidence and I never saw it until my healing began. It was quite overwhelming at first but it verified what my therapist had told me. I had been healing for many, many years but found her to get myself over a hump.
I paint to allow feelings out of me. Though it is not something I do all the time when I do it is very comforting. On more than one occasion I have finished satisfied that I have released something from my cells and look at the picture to have facing me the “devil.” I had no intentions of painting or drawing a devil but there it was clearly depicted representing the evil done to me. At least that is the explanation I have chosen.
We release in many, many ways. Whatever helps is what work. Take care.
It was so not a waste. Look how much good came from it. The paper will be transformed again into something else.
I agree this method is really therapeutic. I used to write when my heart was broken or if I was really pissed. I’d always do it in the form of a letter to the recent offender.
Thanks as always,
Mia