On my blog entry entitled Masturbation as a Form of Self-Injury after Sexual Child Abuse, a reader posted the following comment:
I seek out pornography with depictions of things similar to what I suffered, and no one has ever had the bravery to open up a thread where others could admit they do the same. So thank you. Though I’ve had one instance of talking to someone about how we tend to seek what was first done to us, I’ve always felt like I must be sick or f@#ked up for that.
It’s difficult, when you’re aroused by rape or nonconsent pornography or think of your own youth as a sexual thing. For me, it makes me feel like I must have wanted it, if I like to think about those sorts of things now. It makes me feel like maybe I shouldn’t be angry about the abuse, because maybe I invited it – maybe I wanted it if I get aroused by it now.
Your post helps to break the chicken-egg cycle a little bit. It’s nice to hear someone else say that the abuse has caused the dysfunction, rather than some innate perversion inviting the abuse. ~ Oniongirl13
I am brave enough to open up a thread to talk about this subject. :0)
I have never used pornography, but I have had the experience of a movie triggering memories of the child abuse turning me on. I watched a movie one time (that was not pornography) of a man casually reading the newspaper while lying on his back while a woman (I think it was the maid) was “riding him” with no emotion – like she was just doing her job. That scene (which was intended to be comical) caused my body to respond, which I thought was really strange. I had spent my life (particularly in church) hearing about how “making love” was supposed to be this amazingly intimate experience between married people, but I found that fantasies during sex of me being nothing more than an object (like that woman in the movie) turned me on more than anything. However, I would feel dirty and ashamed afterward.
I spent years playing out scenarios in my head that mirrored my abuse to get my body to respond to sex. (I suspect that this fantasizing is similar to what people who use pornography to mirror their child abuse experience.) For many years, my body would not respond to sexual stimulation when my husband and I were having sex. Then, one day during sex, a thought popped into my head of a bunch of people watching. All of the sudden, my body responded, and I was able to climax. However, I felt dirty and gross afterward. I played out all sorts of sick situations in my head, and this was before I started having flashbacks. I just thought I was a really sick and perverted person to fantasize about scenarios that I would never choose for myself in real life.
Considering that my body started being sexually stimulated when I was just a kid, it makes sense that my body would make a connection between the perversion and sexual stimulation. It’s frustrating when all that I have been told that is good about sex does not stimulate my body at all, but if I think about being treated like an object being put on display, my body responds. I recognize that this is just one more aftereffect of the child abuse that I must work through.
If you use (or have used) pornography mirroring your child abuse, is your experience similar to what I have described?
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Faith, You do have guts. Good for you. I don’t know how I missed the other post you referred to, but I think that was from May when I wasn’t following blogs so closely.
I have been trying to write a post on this for a while, but somewhat unsure of how to say things.
I think this is a huge topic. And I know it is an issue for many others. The Internet does not help at all in this regard, making pornography so accessible. The lengths I had to go to when I was a kid are much different than now.
I don’t want to say more because not “all of me” is on board with saying more. But I do thank you for bringing this up and I will follow the comments to get some validation on this.
Just a note to one of your comments on that other blog entry, I did get “The Sexual Healing Journey” and I’m working through it. I find it to be very good.
Thanks again.
Paul
Hi, Paul.
I have had that book for years but still have not read much of it. I hope I am approaching a place where I am ready to go there. I haven’t been for a very long time.
Take care,
- Faith
Faith,
thank youfor this post…I haven’t used pornography, but, like you have used visuals in my head that I have been ashamed of . I have noticed throughout the years though, that I am drawn toward scenes or pictures that depict or remind me of some of the early abuse.
My therapist was just telling one of my child parts that felt sexually aroused during abuse that she wasn’t bad for feeling that. My therapist was very clear about the fact that addressing this feeling is imperative toward healing.
barbi
I have given the subject of those that produce pornography and use children for their purpose and those that use what they produce for their purpose much thought.
I do not think or feel equating pornography of adults and children is OK. I find the slang Kiddy Porn to be offensive and wrong.
I and some who were traumatized with me have been in such photos and films. If you view a “vintage film” it may be us. Who’s ever trauma you are viewing is a child and it is not OK with me. The trauma photographed and filmed included horrification.
That anyone who views pornography where children are perpetuating childhood trauma is clear.
If someone is caught viewing pornography is convicted and states it is not their fault, they were abused so they should not be convicted or put on the Sexual Offenders List I have no sympathy. It is not worth the risk that they stopped or would stop at viewing images. I do not accept that because some that were abused become abusers it is OK for the few that do become abusers.
Now this is the hard part, I can not speak for the others that were filmed and photographed with me. What if a person viewed the photos and films of me and it was on the path to their healing? Would I on an individual basis forgive them? Even respect them for facing what they did and healing?
The odds of this actually happening are remote. I do not even know if “vintage pornography” where a child is being traumatized is viewed. The odds of me meeting someone who has viewed such pornography and admits it are remote.
I guess if I felt they now understood that viewing images of children being traumatized is not OK and I felt they were sincere than it would be OK with me.
As a child I viewed myself and others with me in films and photo’s being traumatized. It was re-traumatizing and is still difficult.
I remember when Pete Townsend of the Who was arrested for viewing child pornography and he stated that he was doing work for a book. I was off the wall angry. The album Tommy which was about child abuse was important to me and here is one of the writers viewing child pornography. He was not convicted by the way.
I’d like to note something just for my own sanity and well being. When I said that I seek out things similar to what I suffered, I do not under any circumstances mean that I seek out pornography that uses live child models. I mean that I write about it, I let myself think about it, and I read stories about it.
I do feel defensive about this, particularly because I believe there is no reason to ever watch child porn unless you are a prosecutor trying to put someone away for having it/making it.
Hi, MFF.
My assumption in this blog was that people are viewing ADULT pornography that mirrors what they suffered. For example, someone who was tied up and raped as a child might watch S&M porn. Someone who was gang-raped as a child might watch orgy porn. In my opinion, watching child pornography is a form of child abuse.
I, too, appear in some of those vintage films and don’t even want to think about who watched them. If there was no market for those films, I wouldn’t have been filmed. Watching child pornography is part of the problem, not part of healing.
Take care,
- Faith
I agree with you MFF. I don’t think this was the issue raised here, though. But I do wholeheartedly agree we cannot equate pornography of adults and children.
Paul,
It raised the issue with me and so I posted. I find this blog to be very tolerant of expressing what issues are raised. That is why I value it.
Journey on,
Michael
I understand. And I agree with your remarks. I just wanted to be clear that nobody here equated the two (thinking perhaps your remarks were in response to something you perceived someone said or did).
Ahhh… I reread this and now see what you mean. I didn’t catch that on the original read. So, I do see why you brought this up. I think it’s appropriate here, then, to talk about the difference between thoughts and actions.
Just to clarify — I had not considered that anyone might view my comments as applying to child pornography, so I am glad that you brought this up. I don’t like either form of pornography and do not view either. I understand how a child abuse survivor might be drawn to ADULT porn, even though I am not. As someone who is featured in vintage child porn, I am strongly opposed to viewing child pornography under any circumstances other than to prosecute the b@#$ards who made the films.
- Faith
This is a very hard topic to tackle, I am ashamed to admit that I have and still do view porn (adult) that would/might be considered violent or demeaning to women. It is the only way I can respond sexually also, but then again I am the sex alter anyway, and for me the more pain the better. I could never and never have watched child porn, it would upset me too much and I know all too well that there is a real child involved, and maybe unlease emotions that I dont want to feel like fear, shame, disgust and helplessness. I understand now I was created as a protection, and I had no choice in that, but I have choices now and am working on things which I have found strangley impowering. Watching adult porn I try to tell myself that they are choosing to do this, so its ok to watch it.
.
I am trying to come to terms with the fact that although I responded sexually that what happened was abuse, whereas I always thought I was not abused at all. It is really difficult to get my head around that and to be honest most times I prefer to think that I was not.
Anyway I am not the smart one of the group the orginal poster on here is, she is very understanding and supportive albeit controlling
Anyway our T said I was reenacting old scripts or scenes I kind of get this and am trying to recognise when I do this and change it, but sometimes I feel like saying to hell with it, this is no fun, but deep down I know although I might respond and get something out of it physically, I really dont like it or hate the fact that I do maybe..its so complex and what the heck do I know anyway.
I hope I dont get in trouble for posting
sorry I could have just said that for me there seems to be a major disconnect between the body my mind and my emotions and Im just the body or something. God its mind wrecking
Wow, this is difficult. I’ve re-read this post and the comments several times, each time wishing that I had the courage to say “me too”. I think this time I’ll be able to…
I experience something similar to morunner and oniongirl13. I look for pornographic situations which are demeaning to the woman. This doesn’t necessarily arouse me, but it’s all that I think I am or deserve. It’s about re-creating the abuse. It disgusts some within the system to the point where it causes self-injury; but then, I consider the pornography a form of self-injury as well. It’s always a very dissociated experience, usually by the one created to protect us through the sexual abuse.
This behaviour is such at odds with our daily life and morals that it is hard to comprehend or understand. Yet, our new therapist asked if we looked at pornography during an assessment as if it was expected within the context of my history; so maybe it isn’t that far outside of ordinary? Maybe it just feels that way, and just highlights another area for healing?
i was surprised to find this topic greeting me when i visited today. it’s strange because i was just thinking of this exact topic. i admit that i am also an adult (barely) survivor who uses porn that’s demeaning to women or shows forced sex to get off. i always feel so disgusting after, and i start thinking that maybe i wanted to be abused. this post helped me realize that it’s the abuse that caused me to be this way and not the other way round. it’s actually a huge relief.
another thing i’d like to say is that i really enjoy it when my partner ties me up and gets rough when we’re having sex. it’s like i need to feel used to become sexually satisfied. somehow feeling used feels “right” and other things like gentle sex just doesn’t cut it. i don’t know how to explain it. everything is completely consensual, but i need that feeling of being helpless and out of control. it’s weird, because in other ways i’m a total control freak. sometimes i think there’s something wrong with me because of how i feel.
this is just my 2 cents, and i’m just wondering if anyone else identifies with some of this.
We are sexual beings. We are aroused by images. This does not make us bad.
We have physical sexual energy that needs to be released to be healthy. That is just the way it is.
I am becoming more aware of my “reptilian brain.” That part the tells me to be safe, to eat, that I am thirsty, that I am in pain, that I have sexual urges and needs. I think that I learned how to override this part of my brain to a degree that is not healthy. That it gives me a feeling of control when it fact it is the opposite.
This reptilian brain seems to hold the sexual drive as well as the fight, flight, freeze response.
Perhaps a child can have all of sexual responses and it is not a sexual experience. Actually I am not being honest. That is the way it was for me. This may be because those that traumatized me lost access before my delayed puberty.
Journey on,
Michael
[...] rough sex, S&M, sadism, sex mirroring sexual abuse Yesterday, I wrote a blog entry entitled Using Pornography That Mirrors Your Child Abuse. I clarified in the comments, and I want to clarify here as well, that I was talking about adult [...]
I use fantasies and they do mirror what happened to me…I think. The memory is recovered so its hard for me to say…yup thats it.
One thing I’ve found is that ALL of my fantasies are things that would never happen in real life. The more unreal the better. I have to make the distinction that it is something that would not happen. So its the original situation (the first one anyway) but with some paranormal element or something thrown in.
I don’t feel shame afterwards anymore. There are weird fetishes all over the world and some of them are not derived from abuse…I’m sure. Who knows what I would have liked if my parents hadn’t been so stupid. Somehow I found the fine line where what I am now is ok, but what they did back then never will be….most of the time.
Tawny
I have used pornography that has elements of things that happened to me, just as I have fantasies of similar things. (Adult pornography) I have recently moved though to pornography that has those elements but in a more positive way. Basically, stuff that shows two people having a really good time and clearly very much consenting, but doing the kinds of things that i usually think about. It’s actually helped me lessen the degree of negative fantasizing/porn I have to have to orgasm.
Thank you for this entry…. thank you so much for this.
I truly thought I was one sick puppy.
Faith
Like you and others at this site, I am thankful for the post. I have referred to the things that arouse me as “ugly” in other posts and when trying to understand it in conversations with my therapist. Like you, I hate that the things that get to me are things I would never want anyone to know about, and I have lived with that shame as well.
Most often, when another person is involved, I feel nothing, physically, at all. It’s only when I’m alone that I feel anything, so I understand the idea of masterbation in particular being associated with these kinds of negative images and fantasies.
I am also starting again to work from the book “The Sexual Healing Journey”. I started it over a year ago, but I wasn’t ready at that time. I started it again a couple months ago, but it was too triggering and I was going through too many other things at that time. Right now, my life is clearing out for a few months, so I am planning to open the book again this week and see where it takes me.
I find a lot of comfort in others who have similar experiences. I am sorry for every one of you, but it still feels good to know I am not alone.
I will be following your blog, from now on.
thanks again.
I experienced and do experience the same exact thing you wrote about . . . always always always. . . until today thought that I was the only one that did this. Thank you for having the courage to write about this.
amaizingly, many of the blog postings you have posted relate to things i experience.this one, the one about animal rape, mother daughter, masterbation through self harm dissociative identity disorder. i thank you for all the posts. they are very helpful. do you have any about ritualistic physical/sexual abuse?
Hi, Karina.
Look for the Categories pulldown menu on the right. I have a category for ritual abuse.
Take care,
- Faith
[...] abuse during consensual sex, engaging in degrading consensual sex that mirrors the child abuse, or watching pornography that mirrors the child abuse. All of these situations have the same common element – a child [...]
Faith-
I can’t believe I’m going to write about this. I’m totally embarrassed. I need understanding or get some guidance. When I’m triggered about something and feel bad about myself I turn to masterbation which was in my abuse then I turn on (Adult) porn which was also in my abuse. I actually get physically sick watching it. I can’t get the feelings out until this is over. Once it’s over the relief is there that ok I can feel now, it safe, he can’t hurt me anymore, everything is fine now, he gone. But then shame, guilt, despair come for doing such disgusting acts. I try to understand this but I can’t come to terms with it. I’m so disgusted with myself I do self-harm. I hate myself for this. But I need that feeling of safety and relief I feel afterward. Can you make some sense out of this for me. I apologize for the details here. I tried to keep it clean. Thanks so much for bringing this difficult subject up. I need understanding here really bad. i have never wrote anything so personal before, this is so new to me. I hope it was appropriate to write this.
Thumper