So, it turns out that I am not handling this latest crap from my mother as well as I hoped. I received her letter on Saturday, and I was truly dying laughing at the absurdity of the whole thing. I slept fitfully that night. On Sunday, I felt waves of anxiety on and off, but it was nothing that I couldn’t handle.
However, Sunday night was really bad. I took some Tussionex to help me sleep better, and it did not work. I was awake every hour on the hour – really annoying. I woke up feeling like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I was very cranky and irritable, snapping at everyone around me. I wanted to scream and cry.
I called my sister and asked for advice on what to do. I just wanted to tell my mother/abuser to back the f@#$ off, but I feared how that would affect my sister, who still has her in her life. My sister graduates from college in December, and I will cross paths with my mother at that graduation, so I don’t understand why she cannot just back off and wait to make her case then. My sister said that this is an easy semester, and I should just do what I need to do.
My therapist had previously recommended writing her a letter stating that, due to my abuse as a child, it was unsafe for me or my family to be in a relationship with her and not to contact me again. That would open a whole can of worms, getting into the abuse and stuff. I just want her to (1) die; or (2) leave me the h@#$ alone.
I talked to a friend later that morning and told her that I just want to tell my mother to back the f@#$ off. She said that is exactly what I should tell her … so I did. I wrote only five words on an index card and mailed it to her:
Back the F#$% off!! – Faith
That letter went out on Monday. I have been binge eating and feeling like s@#$ ever since, but I did at least sleep well on Monday night. I am writing this on Tuesday night (you will read about her letter in the morning), and I am in so much pain. I have been so triggered all day, having had other annoying things happen in addition to this today. I am so triggered that I am having trouble focusing. I have taken Xanax, drunk wine, and have binged on a ton of food. My stomach is killing me. I don’t feel any better.
I am so friggin’ angry that my mother still has this power over me. I don’t want to have to carve out two hours of my day plus work out childcare and pay over $100 to see my therapist. I don’t want to gain all of my weight back. It makes me so d@#$ angry that my mother still has this level of power over me. I just want her to die and burn in hell and leave me the h#$% alone. Is that really too much to ask?
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Faith,
I hate that you have cause to be angry, however, I’m so glad that you are letting it out!
I’m thinking that it’s good you took your sister’s advice and did what you had to… the last thing you want is for her to start pushing you and making a big scene at the graduation.. ya know?
Whenever I get in spots where I feel damned if I do and damned if I don’t I have to ask myself… what part of me is (functionally) benefiting from this situation? I hate the fact that I have to ask myself that, but it does help… when I can remember to ask anyway!
I’m hating all this with you, as I’m sure many others are as well.
Hang in there.
blessings,
mia ps Nope, I don’t think it’s too much to ask at all.
Ah, that would be “dysfunctionally” benefiting! DOH!
Dear Faith,
I am so sorry you are struggling…but you owe it to yourself to deal with this in therapy. None of your regular coping tools (wine, rx, binging) are working right now. What you are dealing with is very powerful.
While you are clearly a self aware and knowledgeable survivor, you can not be your own therapist during these difficult times. I too am going through a very very difficult time and none of my coping tools are working, I am relying on the support and experience of my therapist to help me get through this and grow stronger.
Take care of yourself, I know you will…from reading your blog everyday, I know you have exactly what it takes to get through this difficult time….
Fat Girl Oreo
Faith,
This is a big thing for you…dealing with your mother. Sending that index card was great, I to know that anticipatory anxiety. Don’t beat yourself up so much…just look at things as a symptom of how important and scary what you did was. I just posted the first part of a letter to my mother and seemed to relate to what you posted.
cc
Faith,
so sorry, just wanted to send you prayers and support.
barbi
Hello Faith
I think what you have done is right for you, but very hard for you as well in a way because in reality all you want is to be left alone to heal and go forward and receiving any letter ot contact from your mother abuser will without doubt F*** with your whole being. No matter what she writes. I know it would with mine
( I personally have thankfully had no contact with my mother abuser since walking at the age of 16yrs out of her home )
I am thinking of you at this time Faith wish could give or offer more to make you feel better.
Please take care anon
Faith,
There is something incredibly head trippy about those “I’m such a loving person and I’m reaching out to you” communications from your abuser. It’s amazing how they rocket you back to a bad place. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Faith, Congratulations on doing what you needed to do to keep yourself safe. It was a gesture of strength and protection that I am sure all of you appreciates.
Paul
I’m sorry it’s so hard, Faith. I’m glad you wrote the index card. The nasty slime deserves it – and you certainly deserve to be alble to tell her to leave you alone.
Faith, have erased the “wise words” i tried to write. They all rang hollow. good things have been said by others. Am just feelin this with you and offering support,
ruby
my mom still has that power over me too. She makes me crazy. Just hold on. It will pass.
oh, and your index card – Hallmark couldn’t have said it better.
You’ll be alright.
Only the best wishes for you Faith,
Palucci
I’m sorry for the affect on you. However, I am in awe of your courage to write and send such a postcard. I hope you’ll take a moment to recognize how big that is. Give yourself a pat on the back for that one.
I think as survivors, too often we move on to the “not good enough” and don’t dwell long enough in the “hey I did good here.” So don’t focus so much on the fact that the contact from your mother has such an effect – stick to the courage it took to send that notecard. You done good my friend.
Hi Faith,
When I read your letter it struck me as very loaded with triggering statements. As a survivor of ritual abuse and mother daughter sexual abuse, it sure seemed to me like something that would purposely harm you, wound you, and trigger you. I’m sorry you went through so much as a reaction. Good for you for writing her the short and to the point letter.
“I just want her to die and burn in hell and leave me the h#$% alone. Is that really too much to ask?”
No, it’s not too mcuh to ask.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
What an inspiration, you are my hero!
xoox
You are all so awesome! Thank you! :0)
I was in a pretty bad nosedive for four days and even scared myself a little with the intensity of my binge eating. However, I managed to begin pulling myself out on Wed night and felt much better yesterday, probably due in part of all of the wonderful loving energy from all of you! :0) Ironically, I managed to LOSE two pounds because of the number I did on my metabolism from heavy binge eating to returning to “normal” eating patterns. LOL
Today, I am back to feeling anxious on and off, but I think this ties into a flashback I am integrating. As someone said in the comments, sometimes alter parts feel safer integrating when you are in a position of strength, and sending my mother that note was incredibly empowering. No, I really don’t take enough time to celebrate my successes.
I am doing okay — one step at a time…
- Faith
So glad to hear you’re pulling out of the dive. The fact that you are cycling through this kind of triggering/button pressing stuff so quickly is a testament to the progress you’ve made in healing and integrating. You should be so proud of your progress!
I hope you have a smooth easy weekend.
peace to you Faith,
Mia
I suppose you saw Ethereal Highway’s post (video) today?? I think it was meant for you…
Hi, Paul.
Thanks for telling me about the video. It was quite amusing, doubly so in light of my recent “correspondence” with my mother/abuser. LOL
- Faith
When I start having problems with my mother, I try to remind myself that she doesn’t have any power that I don’t give her. It sounds harsh, but if you think about it, it makes sense. Sometimes, it gets me thru the hard times. You were brave to send the card, lets hope she reads it. You have the right to tell her to leave you alone. That’s you taking her power away from her.
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