Thank you for being so patient while I took a break last week. I was overwhelmed with many areas of my life, some of which I wrote about here. I am going to try to blog daily this week, but don’t be surprised if I need to ease back in. I try to write ahead, and I am writing this in real time.
On Friday, I did my monthly shopping trip to Target. I have a Target Visa that gives me 10% off one-day of shopping if I use my Target Visa enough, which is sooo not a problem. I always send my nephews a small Halloween present, so I went into the Halloween aisle to look for one. Mistake!
Seeing the black robes, etc., was triggering for me. I did not have a panic attack or anything, but I could feel the “tugging” on my brain in reaction as a part of myself sought to flee the triggers. We are just moving into the Halloween season, so I know I have an entire month of similar experiences ahead of me.
I have decided to try dressing up again this year. I have historically always dressed either as a little girl or a slut, and it took someone else to shed some light on why that was a problem. It seems so obvious now – that I associate ritual abuse with my being a “slutty” little girl – but I really did not see this until someone else pointed it out.
Two years ago, I decided to try dressing up again. (I had stopped ever since having that epiphany.) I was torn between being a spider witch (complete with a black robe) or an injured teen in a prom dress. I chose the spider witch and wound up getting very triggered in the costume – go figure. I decided that I clearly had not pulled myself out of being in the ritual abuse mindset at Halloween, so I did not dress up for Halloween last year.
This year, I am going for comedy, so we will see how this goes. I am going as Ugly Betty. I found a costume kit with the glasses, braces, and wig. I have put together some really tacky clothes, and I will wear sneakers (good for walking to trick or treat with my kid) with a skirt and really loud striped socks. I am hoping this will help me break the “slutty little girl” mold once and for all. We’ll see how it goes.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Wow, you’re brave, Faith! I pretend Halloween doesn’t happen. Dressing up is a bold step!
Funny, i was prepared for Halloween stuff at Walmart, then went into the store where I buy business supplies and…their decorations took me by surprise. Not a panic attack, but, I like how you described it, “a tugging” as part of me wanted to get away.
I try to prepare for this season, from Oct through early Jan, exercise, try to eat carefully, manage stress, etc. and put less instead of more into my schedule. Nice theory and sometimes helps!
Glad you rested a bit, miss you when you’re not posting but so happy to know you are taking care of yourself.
Ruby
There was a fair when grew up right before Halloween. Right after that I would disappear until I could ski.
I do the same thing now. I am not home and do not see the kids on the street. I just go away until it snows.
There seemed to be much about dressing up in costume with the cult. One would be a red witch and then a black witch.
The summer solstice seemed to be a time to dress up in all sorts of costumes as was the “exorcisms”
I think for me the tugging is to not be at all like them.
This is helpful for me. Makes it real and makes them what they are in my mind. Although there was no way to know that as a child.
Over here halloween isnt like it is in the states but to say it isnt a triggering date would be an understatement.
Welcome back Faith.
Good idea about Ugly Betty! She is anything but slutty!
This may sound kooky, but would it be helpful at all to have someone purchase a black robe that you could then spit on, cut up, yell at and finally burn! I mean, I know rituals in general are triggering for you, as are bonfires I imagine… but if you did it with supportive people around you, it may be a way to symbolically take your power back with regards to all three things.. robes, ritual and fire…
I find ritual so very amazingly powerful and liberating. I don’t practice any kind of religion, dark craft or anything… Just using my own symbology and creative processing to act out my internal wishes and free them to the universe. It makes me sad that this beautiful process has been tainted for you.
Anyway, good luck with October, and remember who you are… a beautiful, powerful and capable woman! (and much much more) but I’ve been prattling too long already.
Peace,
mia
i cant even face halloween. i am totally freaked out. the thought of the costumes especially black robes puts me into a total panic, and i just cant handle it. I dont think i could dress up. but in my mind i too see myself as a little girl. and dont want those bad pppl to get me again.
I love this blog.
I abhor all ritual it feels to me to be controlling. Go figure. I can tolerate it if I create it. I am useing the term very generality not just holidays and ceremonies.
My therapist used to walk into the room and I would follow. I changed that, I go in first. I set most appointments with my clients as a time frame as in 9 to 10.
I do not like to do anything over and over again. I often say if I do something the same way twice it is a mistake.
I will make my own rituals and they will be not against what others created rather for me. I bet that is going to be hard work. Oh bother.
Dear MMF,
I hate to repeat things too! What is that about.. do you think? I really really HATE it! Any insights appreciated.
mia
Isn’t it amazing how sometimes you just need another person to point something out for you. Then you can finally see the connection.
I hope you find a costume that works for you!
Halloween is terrible for me. I usually hide out in my bedroom. But this year I’m going to try to manage the party we have and then the trip to all the houses afterwards… argh… probably won’t actually do it, but at least thinking about it.
Mia,
I have no idea about the repeating things thing. I used to think it was an ability I lacked. Now I know I do not like it.
Hopefully now that I am more aware of it I will figure it out. If I get a clue I will let you know.
Thanks MMF…. It’s just something I’ve always known about myself, but never heard anyone else talk about or seem to be bothered by… puzzling! Thanks for responding.
And likewise if I come up with anything, I’ll let you know!
Peace,
mia
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