What does it mean to feel present? It is hard for me to define it, but it is amazing when I feel it. I still remember the first time I felt present. I was at a park watching my son play on the playground equipment. I felt at peace. The colors around me were vivid, and all felt right with the world. I felt like I had always watched my life from a distance, but, at this moment, I had been “beamed” into my life and was actually experiencing it. I had never felt anything quite like it.
That moment of presence did not last long, and I wasn’t quite sure what it had been once it was over. While it felt peaceful, peace was not really the word for it. It took experiencing it a few more times to get what was going on. It felt like I was finally putting my arms down after holding them up over my head for decades.
I have been thinking about presence a lot because I spent the day yesterday moving in and out of being present. It was amazing. The colors around me were vivid, and I noticed and appreciated things that typically would not even catch my attention. I felt like I was a part of this world, and the world around me was filled with so much beauty. The best way to describe this is feeling “zen.”
I do not yet know how to “make” myself feel present. I have some tools that help, but I cannot yet simply choose to “be present.” I have to silence my mind and not think about the past or future. It helps to focus upon what is around me and appreciate its beauty. These things help, but I still don’t have the ability to “be present” like turning a light switch on or off. Right now, I am just trying to enjoy the beauty of presence while it lasts.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
I believe being present is mot always pleasant nor can it be achieved rather only experienced. If believe that it is possible for moments to be present with another person.
Being present with my therapist as I process trauma is not pleasant. I am sure it is not pleasant for her. Being present with her anger at what happened to me and her hurt is not easy.
Being present for me is knowing there is bad and good intertwined in a way I can not intellectualy express yet can experience at times.
It is not eliminating the experiences that cause me not to be present rather a being present with what ever experience I am having. Understanding I do not have complete control of what I experience.
I feel the Buddhist monk that abandons all material things and has the village feed him to be a good example of not being present.
I do not think that the athlete that has the ability to be in the zone and is not present when not preforming the limited activity of their sport has achieved very much.
I cannot choose presence, either. Normal people seem to believe we all can choose it. They don’t understand. Heck, I don’t even understand it! Being present is like getting a huge breath of fresh, cool, clean air after being in a stuffy basement. I can’t help but notice it, it draws me out, makes me notice everything else around me. Yes, it is difficult to explain!
I love being present. I love, even more, when I am present and realize it right then – not realize it in hindsight. It’s such a treasure.
Great news that you are feeling better and more present.
Keep soaking in the beauty!
Peace,
mia
I feel most present when the other parts of me are silent and stop clammoring to be heard. This happens once in a while and to be truthful it’s a little scary to me. Probably because it’s not the “norm”. When I’m “present” in therapy it is not fun nor easy to remain so.
barbi
i dont know if ive ever felt that way, maybe i just say that caus i am in such caos right now. idk.
Faith,
Sometimes I think being present or recognizing that we are and all the details surrounding that state of our mind and heart flows from the acceptance of where we are that day, our non judgment of ourselves. When we leave the “shoulds” behind and just accept what is.
I think this post has inspired me to write a post over at my blog.
Namaste.
I recognize being present as Faith describes it. When I try to make myself be present, like today I told my t I would try and be mindful, I am still stuck in my head, listening to myself telling myself to “be present… see what’s around you…” blah blah blah. I have had what Faith describes as very vivid colorful moments. One happened at the beach. My D and I were swimming together under the waves… it was silent and peaceful. She is 7, but she still has baby cheeks and baby hands… she was beautiful. The other was when I ran into my husband in the parking lot of the daycare a few years ago, we had mixed up communication and I thought I was meeting him at home after I picked up our D. It was just him standing in the parking lot. I was so happy to see him. I connected with him in that moment and I felt like I missed him, like he or I had been gone for a long time (and yeah Faith I felt at peace). This is one of the incidences that made me realize that I am always in my head or wrapped up in some emotional episode in my head.
What barbi said “I feel most present when the other parts of me are silent and stop clammoring to be heard”. THAT is a huge. I become completely consumed by their needs. One is a baby. The other is a child, who seems to stay the same age as my daughter, growing older as she grows older. The other is an adolescent or preadolescent. Each is capable of completely consuming me with their needs and its difficult to function. Sometimes I dont function, I hide or suck my thumb or si, depending on who is there and the strength of their presence or need. Sometimes I can calm them by daydreaming and sometimes I just rock and check out for hours…. (but I remember what I daydream about and I remember rocking. I check the time too, to see how many hours I have left to sleep – its often in the middle of the night). Sometimes I feel like the child being consumed by the baby…
oh wow, said more than I intented… but I can understand what you are saying. I guess with practice, being in the present might become elicited more naturally or spontaneously – like the moment with your son at the park, Faith, and those moments with my daughter and husband.
Only the best wishes for you all,
palucci
I totally relate to this palucci, thanks for articulating it so well.
barbi
***triggers, sa and si. I cannot stay present and I am being consumed.
I just tried to go onto isurvive but I clicked right off of it. I cant.
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I am so sorry I cant stop. I cant heal because I cant believe me. If I do, I wont have anything left to protect me. The emotions that consume me are not me. I am afraid of them because they lack the control that I have (or thought I had until my last appointment with my pc dr. ) I try to wrap what you tell me around my head, faith. That all of it is me and I wont lose control. But I do. I do lose control. Yesterday and this morning I have been completely consumed by this insane emotional violent need. I am so scared to tell you, though I know you have talked about similar things. I am almost ready to check myself into a hospital. yesterday, please dont hate me….
TRIGGERS*****************
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I kept going into being a child. Being raped by two and three men at a time. They are like animals. And I want them to kill me, or knock me out. They can do whatever they want. I am a thing, not a person. I dont understand this need. It is violent and consuming and …. god its NOT me. I put a knife up inside me I needed to feel that pain. I am so consumed by this need I have to hurt myself. But there is another need that is strong and present. And it too is consuming and I keep alternating between these two extremes. and that is the need to be … augh I am so dkjf up, held and rocked, nursed and loved, really loved as a baby child should be. I need that safety. I need that containment. I cant get anything done. I try and work, but I automatically just go away…
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Sorry,
palucci
Palucci
I wanted you to know that I read your comment and that I am thinking of you and sending you gentle thoughts right now in your struggle.
I think it is so brave of you to reach out.
Keep talking to us. I think that helps keep me present when I do that.
(((((( Palucci )))))))
I understand. Hang in there.
- Faith
Thank you Vicki. I feel so scattered right now.
*******ed triggers
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For the last 2 days I have binged and purged all day. I eat a ton of junk knowing I am going to throw it up. Yesterday was 6 times… this is not me either. Yes sometimes i struggle with food a little but this is like something else. Intensified by 10. I cant get a grip… I dont understand. I feel scared and unstable. I called my t. She answered, but I didn’t say anything. I shrunk. I wanted her to know it was me but I couldn’t say anything to her. Plus HOW is she going to help me? She cant. Unless she can hold me and rock me in her arms forever – I . I am tired I am tired I am tired I am tired. I NEED SOMEBODY TO SEE ME FIRST BEFORE I LET GO. I need to feel safe and secure for awhile, I have nothing to stand on, nothing strong enough to even begin to move forward
ok breathing, I am ok I am ok I am ok, but I am so not ok!!!!!
(((((( Palucci )))))
I have had a particularly @#$%ty day today, which will be the topic of my next couple of blog entries. I think this goes much deeper than you are me. I think there is a “disturbance in the force” that is causing you, me, and many others to feel “crazy” right now.
- Faith