Right on schedule, I am struggling emotionally as we have moved into October. This is really getting on my nerves. I have been taking all sorts of measures to protect myself from “losing it” during this three-month period, but it is a real battle. For example, I am only listening to positive music and going to Reiki. Nevertheless, I keep finding myself overwhelmed with anxiety and just wanting to curl up into a ball and sleep through the next three months.
I don’t like when I get this way. In fact, I was so angry about it last night that I begged myself to “enlighten me” about what the problem is. Do I have an alter part that is triggered by this time of year? If so, let’s heal that trauma so I can check it off my list and stop feeling I-N-S-A-N-E for three months out of every year. No dice. I fell asleep without getting anywhere.
I keep trying to use my tools – deep breathing, taking time out for myself, etc. I seem to be able to pull myself out for a little while, but then the waters close in over my head again. I do better in the morning, and then by the evening, I am ready to down alcohol, food, Xanax, or anything else that will relieve the anxiety.
Can anyone else relate?
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Yes! Faith its driving me crazy! I can’t concentrate and I am binge eating. I had lost 35 pounds over two years, I have gain all but 10 pounds back over the last two months.
I am in therapy and have uncovered some awful memories. They sadden and frighten me. Many times I don’t believe them and I think I am making it up…I know this is what everyone goes through.
I journal every morning on my blog as a way to remain focused on me and what I’m going through. The binge eating and loss of my fitness routine has really made me feel worse. I just don’t care enough right now or have the strength to get back on my fitness and eating program.
I have done some reading and this is normal for me since I seem to be in the “Remembrance and Mourning” Stages of recovery…I have thoughts of self-harm — I know I will never act on them because I believe its just simply wrong to purposely wound myself or to end my life. But its not easy walking around with these horrible feelings.
I wish the both of us better days…
Take care of yourself Faith!
Fat Girl Oreo
http://fatgirloreo.wordpress.com/
Dear Faith,
I certainly can relate to feeling crazy for no reason. I think mine is usually due to hormones though. I have never experienced abuse as severely as you have, although, my dad did die on thanksgiving day 20 some years ago, and i always get squirrelly this time of year… and the holidays are a pain in the ass no matter who you are!
I know you didn’t ask, but I have some ideas that you may want to try… One thing is that since for whatever reason, the season is triggering, try to offset some of the effects of the fall/winter with say, halogen bulbs in your house or some kind of light therapy. Also get yourself involved in some evening projects to help keep your mind occupied. (Even though I know the feelings are more the issue, sometimes it helps..) Also put up signs around the house for yourself with positive affirmations, like “I am a grown person now, winter is just a season and has no power over me”…. also you could try exercising, like an exercise bike or treadmill… or taking a walk with the fam around the hood.
I hope this is the year YOU change the seasons for yourself. If it isn’t the time, upping the Xanex dosage is always a good option too.
Good luck Faith. Wishing you peace this season.
safe hugs, mia
I have a theory are you surprised?
I think that it has to do with the change in the amount of sunlight. I know for me that when I am working outside or in FL than it does not seem to be an issue. Perhaps a evolutionary thing where the body is preparing to shut down.
I also feel that the 12 or more years of starting school at this time has an effect. Perhaps more so with those of us that have experienced unresolved trauma and the resulting disconnect from memory.
I am going to make a conscious effort to get sunlight. Stay in the light so to speak.
This is fugue time for me. I live in NH and called my therapist from Indiana or I would be living there now. I kinda dealt with it by saying I could go back. I also drove home with out stopping. No I am to tired to drive back. Smile.
Faith
Sorry but I have no brilliant ideas and also struggle badly with this time of year and it does not stop until middle January.
I wish I did have an answer and not the
medication, drink, sitting in the cupboard stuff.
AND it really annoys me because it makes me feel so weak
thinking of you take care
anon
Hi faith,
I struggle this time of year, always have. It lets up somewhere around jan 15. The worst month for me is December. It’s often totally unreasonable and whenever I hit “totally unreasonable” i’ve come to realize it’s probably related to the past not the present. I know that these three months were the most horror-filled times of my life every year for 16 years (well, I don’t remember some of the years).
What I hate the most is, when I fall into the “dark hole,” I feel like I’ve given them power over me again and that makes me mad.
My h hates holidays and gets very otherwise this time of year, so sometimes my present gets screwy too.
This year I’ve battled anorexia again for the first time in more than 10 years. Argh.
Anyway, i think you’re brave to ask your inner folk to enlighten you. The only way I know to finish the anxiety forever is to do just that and work through the memories of the precipitating events. THen they lose their power. But in the meantime, I don’t know what to but give my body and mind and spirit all the nourishing support I can and use the healthiest coping tools I can for as long as I can. i also have a friend i talk honestly with every day. That helps, but she’ll be overseas for three weeks soon and inside is panicking about that.
Sooo….guess no pearls of wisdom, just hanging here with you if it’s ok. Somehow knowing others are together with me inthis helps. so to each of you who struggle, can i walk with you?
ruby
Faith, Yes, this time of year is triggering with all the holidays and especially the one which kicks it off: halloween. Over the past few years I became more aware of how the halloween thing triggered certain parts. Each year I learned more. The goal is, as you say, to heal that trauma and move on. So, while these times are very hard, I use them as an opportunity to take a few steps forward.
For me its because this is the dark half of the year – starts in September then the satanic rituals increase in frequency and sadisticness til January. Lots of major rituals during this time. This is our reason for our total system shutdown at this time of the year, and I have met others with the same experiences. Hoping this is not any part of your alters experience, it is a very hard time of year to endure.
Yes Faith I relate, I am struggling as well. Nothing feels right and I hate everyone and everything, but have to pretend that it’s all ok. I feel numb when I’m not hating everything. Trying to communicate with the other parts of me and some of them are numb as well. AAAAARRRRRGGGGG.
barbi
(((((((((Faith))))))))) I think your instincts are probably right and its the time of year. Wow reading all these posts I dont feel so alone, but I am still scared.
I do not know what my problem is exactly but the sudden shift into complete instability has me thinking I might be better off in 4-point restraints – I want to just go off!! Either that or curl up in a normal loving mother’s arms, suck my thumb, nurse and be held and loved like a baby
Its very difficult, in fact impossible to hold one emotional state for any period of time. I feel like I have very little control, the feelings and needs are all at the surface at once, but they dont want to share the space (several things in the past 3 weeks have happened and I have to concede that perhaps I do have DID).
I keep telling myself it is going to pass (like you’ve told me, Faith). It will settle.
I try to spend time with other people.
Yesterday me, my d, and h went through the hope chest and we pulled out some of d’s baby stuff, her baby book, my pregnancy journal. I have quite a bit of writing, which was funny to read.
I sleep at my lunch break and go to bed right after my d goes to sleep. I have to pretend I am someplace safe…
I try not to stay up or get up in the middle of the night to rock or eat… but those urges are pretty much impossible to fight. The binging is unusually bad and unmanageable right now.
Gosh, wow I am writing a lot too.. :/ – hope it helps somehow.
Only the best wishes for you Faith, Oreo, Mia, MFF, anon, ruby, paul and barbi
palucci
Thanks Palucci.
I like you. I like the way your mind works. Thanks for noticing the rest of us, that is so cool.
I hope things get easier for you soon. This is a hard time for so many of us. Just know you are not alone.
Peace, mia PS I like your name too!!
struggling, but knowing others understand ( like all of you ) helps me/us…
Faith,
We have been reading your blog for a very long time. It makes us feel not so alone. We have almost been preparing for fall since summer started. Distancing ourselves from friends and family members. We feel like we are constantly preparing for the next holiday or date on the calendar. It is exhausing but we know if we just let it happen it won’t be pretty. This year is differnt; we are not on any type of medication and not hospitalized for nearly all september and october. But some parts wish they could be in a “hospital” enviroment. Not necessarily a hospital but just that type of enviroment? We have a rule that we cannot contact any of our therapists in between sessions.This is all really confusing; like we want support but we are almost too afraid to reach out for it.
We will be keeping you in our thoughts take care,
Hope
For me it is slowly and painfully getting worst( and I have to keep on smiling). An on top of everithing I have the dilema of going or not going back “home” to visit my family (scars are opening up).In the meantime, I will continue repeating to myself “it shall pass”.
Good Luck.
Please visit my blog for an award.
Thanks, Enola. :0)
- Faith
Thanks Mia
I like you too. I have ‘listened’ to your posts to Faith and your words often help me too.
Take care,
palucci
Yes, this time of year is a one huge, painful, long trigger. all the way thru to the end of January. Just to write this, I’ve allowed my head to pop up out of my shell, otherwise, I will pretend to be normal, have normal problems, and try to forget…
Hi Faith,
I wanted to respond to this post because this is a huge issue for me. I have been thinking about it a bit now because the holidays are coming up. I think I understand why they bother me so much and maybe it might be a bit of the same for you.
A few years ago I stopped going home for the holidays for obvious reasons. At first it was a huge relief to not have to go to my parents and pretend we are the perfect family. But very quickly the depression and sadness came back. And now the holidays are a HUGE trigger (starting now but getting worse around Halloween). It is because the not being with my family makes me think about all of the reasons I am not home with my family. Consciously or sub-consciously I am reminded of all of the reasons that I do not have the same family holiday as many people I know. Even if I have a boyfriend or friends to share these times with, there are still the constant questions from people about whether or not I am going home for the holidays, ect. My escape from my family is no escape when there are constant perfect family references everywhere. I think for 3 months before Christmas I am a freaking mess.
The freedom of not being with my family is an instant trigger of all of the memories of the things that are the very reason I am not with my family during the holidays- talk about a double edged sword!
I think we are all a bit screwed- putting ourselves around the people who hurt us is obviously hurtful. But choosing to not be around them means we also can’t escape and pretend that all of the reasons we can’t be around them don’t exist since and the holidays are pretty much a 24hr reminder of this.
Do you relate to this at all?
Tracy099