Struggling: Two Weeks Until I See Mother/Abuser

My sister graduates from college on December 12. She was a ninth grade dropout, and she applied to college in her mid-thirties as a newly divorced single mother. She will be graduating with honors with a double-major. I am sooo proud of her, and I am thrilled to be there to watch her receive her degree at the commencement ceremonies.

Unfortunately, my joy over being part of this amazing accomplishment is being overshadowed by my complete freak-out over having to see my mother/abuser for the first time in six years. My sister invited both of us to the graduation (she still maintains a relationship with our mother/abuser), and my mother is coming. My mother and I have had no contact since I sent her the note telling her to “back the f@#$ off” in September.

I have done a fairly good job shoving aside my anxiety over seeing her again after six years apart (by my choice) until recently. Now that this “meeting” is less than two weeks away, I am a basket case. I have a constant headache. I am irritable. I feel triggered all the time and am staying “medicated” in one form or another 24/7 – Xanax, wine, food, etc. (not all at the same time). I am having trouble sleeping on and off (depending upon what I take at night – I am also doing a rotation of various sleep aids to get through the night). My two states of being are unbelievably anxious or deeply depressed. It really, really sucks.

I am going to try to keep blogging during this time because I think I will need it. Please be patient with me during this time because I am not sure how much I have to share during this time. I am so overwhelmed with emotions.

I can’t remember if I shared this already, but a friend will be accompanying me for the visit. I am paying all of her expenses (airfare, hotel, taxi, food, etc.). Her “job” is to be my “buffer” and make sure that I am never alone with my mother. She has a wacky and warped sense of humor, and she is “morbidly curious” about meeting my mother. She will do her best to keep me laughing by making all sorts of inappropriate comments and hysterical observations. She is looking forward to the trip. She finds family dysfunction to be quite comical, so she is the right person for this “job.”

I am staying so triggered. Even as I write this, it feels like I have bubbles in my head, and I just want to cry nonstop. I don’t worry about a hell after I die – this is hell.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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