On my blog entry entitled My Story: Integrating from Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), a reader posted the following comment:
While you were integrating did you ever feel like a completely different person? I feel like parts inside are mixing. Sometimes I feel the feelings and thoughts of other parts and lately cannot tell sometimes when I or another part end or begin. I have lost interest in activities I used to be interested in. I feel like a totally different person than I was even a few months ago. Wonder how I got here and occasionally cannot recognize apartment. It is like waking up out of a dream. Did you ever feel that way? I feel lost and empty – like a completely COMPLETELY different person. ~ DW
Yes, I can relate to what DW has written. On the other side of integration, I see that, rather than “losing myself,” I was “discovering myself.” I was always deeper and richer than that sliver of a host alter part that I viewed as “me” for most of my life. However, during the process of integration, it was disorienting to say the least.
For example, I would take walks with my son in a stroller in a local park when he was little. I was very comfortable at this park and felt safe. However, one day after integrating a traumatized alter part, I was suddenly hyperaware of all of the potential danger around me. Every man walking by was suddenly a “threat,” and I was really anxious during that walk. However, as this part of myself fully integrated, I no longer felt that terror in a vacuum. When viewed as part of the whole, I no longer felt the need to be wary in the park.
Another time, I had an alter part called Sassy who held my part of my sexuality. As I was integrating her, I suddenly became much more aggressive in the bedroom and really took hub by surprise. LOL! Again, after that part integrated back into the whole, the parts of myself that are conflicted about sex “overruled” that free-spirited part of myself, which is sad. However, I know that side of my personality exists because I experienced her before she integrated.
Where you are now is disorienting, but this stage doesn’t last. What is happening is that you are switching as the parts melt back together, and you are experiencing different parts of yourself in a vacuum before they integrate. However, as they integrate and your point of view shifts to the core (versus the host – not sure if you have experienced this yet), you will feel much less rocked by all of these parts of yourself.
The most important thing to remember is that all of these parts are you. The parts that loved doing an activity are just as much a part of you as the parts that don’t. Normal human experience is to feel conflicting emotions at the same time, such as when you love your child but are also very angry with him at the same time. All of these parts will fuse together like puzzle pieces, and you will see yourself in a different way. You are not “changing” – you are awakening to who you have always been. You have only viewed yourself from limited perspectives. You are now in the process of discovering the whole. The whole – your core – is much deeper and richer than you ever imagined. So, hang in there. You won’t seem like a stranger to yourself forever.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Thanks, great description of a confusing experience!
There is yet another side. Not everyone will integrate and until the alter having a problem works thru it, there will be times of fearful disorientation.
When integrating we go thought a feeling like a we are a different person, which is different than depersonalization where we do not feel like we are anyone, we can give biographical information although it feels like we are speaking of someone else. It seems we can give full biographical information although we cannot.
We do not have the host thing as there is not one of us that is out most of the time it all depends on what is happening. We go with we have hosts. It is as close as we can come.
Each integration or melding is different. That makes sense to us.
For us the integration is not an action taken. It is the result of the hard work of processing trauma after discovering a way to create a way that some can express. There is the communication thing, we kinda balked at that as we made the mistake of assuming that communication was limited to words. For us words are more important to communicate with the world rather than each other. Often words get in the way of internal communication. Most of the time words are just plain to slow.
For us once the integration gets to a certain point it is inevitable. As it follows the hard work of expressing which includes but is not limited to trauma we are tired before the integration is complete. The integration is in part physical and we feel has much to do with changes to how the connections in our brain. Sometime it feels like we change our mind and then our brain follows.
It used to feel like something was lost for a while. With experience we trust nothing we want or need is lost. We strongly suspect that it is most about we are worn out.
An integration has never caused or contributed to a crash.
At some point after an integration we go through a “why didn’t we just do that before.” We now have enough of a recent memory so we can remember how hard it was and why we did not do it before.
There is a anger thing right before integration happens. This is a fear thing. Then we are sadder than sad and it used to feel like we could not take it. And afterward there is a missing thing. Kinda like if we had long hair and cut it. For a while we would think we have long hair and would notice that we no longer had long hair.
Although not blaming ourselves I would say the most problems occur when for whatever reason the expressing does not keep up with the changes to the brain.
That is what it is like for me.
Good luck DW. Faith is a master at describing this path, and giving encouragement to persevere. You have come to the right spot! Or one of them, anyway.
Great post as usual Faith. Hope you are bouncing back from the week from hell!
Peace ya’ll,
mia
This is a timely post for me as we have recently been discussing integration with our therapist. I like your perspective. It makes sense to me and I am now sitting with the belief that integration will happen naturally (without any specific effort) as the trauma is processed.
One thing I found confusing in your post is in the paragraph about Sassy. You talked about other parts over-ruling her once she integrated. I wonder then how you know that she did integrate, because if she did, wouldn’t her free spirit still show itself, even if toned down somewhat. I mean, I thought you would become more balanced, rather than remaining conflicted about sex.
thank you for this post, Faith.
I have such empathy for your journey. I have a son with DID and I am always saying “I love you, ALL of you, even the angry parts!”
Lindsey Petersen
http://5kidswdisabilities.wordpress.com
[...] an alter part integrated?, sex after child abuse, sex after sexual abuse On my blog entry entitled DID: Feeling Like a Different Person While Integrating, a reader posted the following comment: One thing I found confusing in your post is in the [...]
Lately I have been experiencing myself as different people, I assume my alters, but am not able to identify which part I am experiencing. My therapist may ask who’s here, and I can’t answer..have no idea.
Need help! Anybody experience this?
Thanks