I have received emails from several readers asking about my opinion of sado-masochism (S&M) after child abuse. In some cases, the person is engaging in S&M as a consenting adult. In other cases, the person has been viewing S&M pornography. The emails I receive ask my opinion of engaging in these actions, whether as active participants or as viewers. Because this seems to be a recurring theme, I thought it was a good idea to address this issue on my blog.
Let me begin by saying that I see nothing wrong with engaging in pretty much any type of sexual behavior that is 100% consensual between the adults involved (no children ever or other unable to consent). If consenting adults enjoy engaging in S&M, who am I to tell them that they are doing anything wrong?
However, the emails I have been receiving are filled with shame and confusion, and they are written by adult survivors of sexual abuse. Some of those writing the emails specifically say that the S&M behavior that they are either viewing or participating in mirrors abuses that they suffered as abused children. In my opinion, this is not a healthy activity for someone who is using S&M as a way to reenact the abuse.
I don’t see S&M as any different from fantasizing about the child abuse during consensual sex, engaging in degrading consensual sex that mirrors the child abuse, or watching pornography that mirrors the child abuse. All of these situations have the same common element – a child abuse survivor is choosing to go back to an abusive situation in his or her head in order to achieve an orgasm. I think this is re-abusing yourself and not emotionally healthy for you to engage in.
While I cannot relate to S&M, I can relate to choosing to reenact the abuse in my head to achieve an orgasm. If I want to climax during consensual sex, nothing makes it happen faster than to fantasize a reenactment of my childhood trauma. However, I have chosen to stop doing this out of respect for my wounded inner child. I would rather never climax again than continue to harm my inner child. I am still in the process of separating out trauma from orgasms.
If you are engaging in consensual S&M and do not feel any sort of shame or triggering from it, I see no need for you to stop. However, if you are a child abuse survivor who is feeling conflicted, listen to that voice inside of yourself. If this behavior was not harmful to you, then why would you be second guessing yourself? Why would you be writing to me asking whether or not it is “wrong”? You already know the answer – it is wrong for you because it is hurting you.
Believe me – I don’t have all of the answers, and I certainly don’t have them all for sex. I strongly suggest reading The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz to help you with your sexual healing.
Photo credit: Amazon.com
Healing is so complicated.
Thanks for all the guidance and the great reading suggestions. All that you say resonates truth to me, and I’m sure many others feel that way as well.
Have a great day Faith,
mia
(((((((((((((((Faith))))))))))))save hugs
We would re-enact our abuse in S&M(without the knowledge of the abuse until we feell to pieces) as much pain as possible and we hated/loved/felt such shame it but it was the only sexual relief to achieve our goal we got.
When we started seeing our D.I.D. psychologist it took us several months to discuss this and in the end it was done via a letter from some of our alters/parts and when we looked at this in therapy as a need to help with the need for relief and to acheive orgasm, we had such memories around this it was a way to remind us of being abused without even knowing it and it caused us immense shame. we are ever thankful to those alters/parts who told.
We were able to start to deal with it——–we find it very difficult and very painful, but the reality was we needed to do this to punish and demean ourselves continually because of the abuse as child. We know with help remain safe and as you desire complete healing. Anything that disrupts that is a NO
anon
I have this book. I think it’s time I read it again.
jo
Hi Faith,
I think your post is the best sum up of the issues around this that I’ve read. I particularly like this part: “However, I have chosen to stop doing this out of respect for my wounded inner child. I would rather never climax again than continue to harm my inner child.”
I’ve talked to survivors who do SM who have said it’s a way of taking control of the experience, but for my own self, if anything infringes on my wounded inner child, it’s off limits.
That was exactly the quote that I had in mind. I agree that Faith shows great insight. I have pointedly failed in this and am still harming my inner child by clinging on to images of abuse in the context of sexual arousal and orgasm. This restricts me to masturbation, repetition compulsion, shame and self-loathing. Its hell on Earth of course.
Now this is a topic I can speak to!
I discovered BDSM well before I had any knowledge of the abuse I suffered as a child. All I knew was how incredibly exciting power exchange felt. For the first time, I felt the connection with a sexual partner that I had craved – they just had to do something mean to me *before* they said they loved me. Then I could finally believe their love was real! (Now does that speak volumes or what?!)
Oh, and the sex was incredible. It was also the first time I’d heard of the concept of setting limits within a relationship and I thought that was a pretty cool, novel concept. Heh.
Fast forward a bit, and I found myself in an emotionally abusive 24/7 D/s relationship – not what I had wanted at all! I was in pieces by the time I ended it, and that’s when I entered therapy.
I’m not really sure how to describe what comes next – the healing process is not really linear. I know others who feel that exploring BDSM has been an important step in their healing processes. However, as I began to understand why the power dynamic felt familiar, it began to feel very bad instead of very good, and I wound up in some situations that felt great at the time, but beyond awful later. That’s when I decided to stop dating for the duration.
I was sorry to lose my enchantment with D/s mainly because it left me in the lurch sexually. But I have to say, I’ve slowly felt my attractions and fantasies shift to something more equal. I’m not ready to start dating yet, but I did recently enter a pact with the young part of myself that I wouldn’t date anyone that she’s not okay with. That felt like a huge step. So we’ll see what the future brings.
Sarah,
This is an incredible story. It sounds like the pact you made with your younger part to not see anyone she was not comfortable with is really significant.
Congrats, and good luck the rest of the way.
Peace,
pf
i am worried that i maybe revisting my past. i am not dating at the moment, but i do plan on two, i like the word flog and would love do it to others, if i ever did sm it would the lightest ever sm to me scares me and turns me off but i as woman were to take a sm whipe that i actually cause no harm to my victim my partner lol, then whats the harm i dont plan on going all out in sm.
i am discorving body memory, i have ptsd, bpd and somatic pain. a neorupsyc has concluded due to my childhood cerebral palsy and genetics the bpd was created. i have no history of abuse my family cared for me, though growing up they never knew about my transsexualism. my parents say to their knowledge i was never abused.
my body memory says other wise i feel like i was molested raped not by family or caregivers mind. i have a memory that a man tried to pick me up i ran away though but he knew me was this my abuser. later on as an adult when i was homeless living as a man, i am male to female, i let men sexually touch me they were gay and knew i was transsexual sadly i have hostility toward gays because of this, and i am an gay activist. i didnt want them to but they were my only contact, did they know i was abused as child… but anyways without any proof of abuse is my desire light sm is this dangerous to myself.
What a nicely balanced post, Faith. I totally agree. If it works for a person, great. If not, that’s critical to pay attention to.
Something that’s important for abuse survivors to realize, too, is that there is sometimes a very fine line between abuse and consensual kink, and it’s essential to understand the difference, as well as to learn what’s safe, what’s not, etc., when engaging in this type of sex and relationship. The very question of what is and is not consensual can get far more complicated than one would imagine.
For those who are interested in more information, these are exactly the kinds of topics I am gradually addressing in more depth in my own blogs and the links on them, along with the questions of whether or not BDSM attracts and even shelters abusers, at least in the public scene – and what to do about it to keep oneself safe.
I’m currently struggling with sex addiction, possible bi-polar type II, definitely long term depression and probably post-traumatic stress disorder. I have in my difinition been sober from the sex addiction for three days and it is kind of dragging me apart. I cut off contact on Monday from someone I had a very intense S&M relationship with. Luckily he lives three thousand miles away but we had been continuing the relationship through the internet. I feel horrible right now, getting really physical symptoms but it is only day three. If it was not for my children I would still be happilly destroying myself but they need a mother who is whole and healed so I need to stay on this path for them.
I think the guy I was interacting with was quite possibly on the abuser side of things because despite telling him everything I was going through with my diagnoses and addiction he would not let me go, because he “perhaps loved me”. So I changed the password on my account that I used to communicate with him on monday to some random gibberish and there is no chance of resetting it because of the provider used (hushmail).
I can and will get through it.