On my blog entry entitled DID: Feeling Like a Different Person While Integrating, a reader posted the following comment:
One thing I found confusing in your post is in the paragraph about Sassy [an alter part who enjoyed sex]. You talked about other parts over-ruling her once she integrated. I wonder then how you know that she did integrate, because if she did, wouldn’t her free spirit still show itself, even if toned down somewhat. I mean, I thought you would become more balanced, rather than remaining conflicted about sex. ~ Multipleinoz
Unfortunately, I am not sure that I have good answer for you. As far as I know, this part has integrated, but I am still quite conflicted about sex. Here is my theory, but I don’t know if it is correct or not …
I think that I separated out my enjoyment of sex into Sassy to protect that part of my personality from being destroyed by the abuse. When Sassy “came out” while I was co-conscious, I got to experience “pure” enjoyment of sex because Sassy’s experiences were in a vacuum. She was completely separate from all of the bad sexual experiences. I do believe she integrated because I have not experienced her since that time, but it is possible that she is lying dormant waiting to be rediscovered when I am ready. I have always assumed that she integrated but that, against the backdrop of all of my bad associations with sex, her “pure” enjoyment of sex has been muddied by all of the pain.
I am hopeful that I will one day re-experience the joy of Sassy (she was a lot of fun!). I am encouraged to know that, whether as a separate part or an integrated part, this side of my personality does exist. That gives me hope that I can one day become less conflicted about sex.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Wow. Great question. I wonder if you could meditate and contact her…? Maybe she can help you become less conflicted about sex..?
Great post.
Have a relaxing, fun weekend ya’ll.
Mia
thank you Faith for that candid response….DID is complicated and is so different for each individual, this helps me to understand that I don’t have to know exactly what is happening with all the other parts of me as long as I continue to grow and accept those parts….integration is hard work, but you have given a lot of insight into it, thank you,
barbi
Faith,
I don’t know if this is what you need to hear and I am by no means encouraging the break of your marriage or marriage vows. But I have been able to allow my sexual (sassy for you) slowly (ten years it took) to integrate in to the self I am trying to form from all the parts. But it was another man not my husband that did this for me, he is safe for me, he sees all my parts and loves them all, even the one that will never leave her family for him. I feel God placed him in my life to help me heal. I believe I have saved him and his marriage as well. My marriage has never been stronger and I didn’t think it was going to make it. I am praying God helps you find a way to heal this part of you. Because sex can truly be one of gods greatest gifts. Of course let me say that I am not 100% because there is still things I can not handle, acts that will cause me to “leave” the scene. “leave” is what I call what happened to me for most of my life and I don’t know how to put it in to words but to say turn off me and my thinking. (with the help of your site and others I now know that is most likely when another personality comes to the rescue) But I have found joy again.
Thanks for all you do for all of us.
Thankyou for sharing your thoughts on this. I like how you acknowledge that this part of yourself exists and the positive feeling you have about that.
mio