Last week, I talked about the effects of having dissociative identity disorder (DID) on your marriage. This sparked a question about marriage counseling. I am going to address this topic for all adult survivors of child abuse, not just those with DID.
In my opinion, marriage counseling is a great option whenever one party in a marriage is undergoing significant change, and this is common with child abuse survivors who have entered into therapy and/or started the healing process. The marriage worked before because the two people fit together (whether in healthy or unhealthy ways). When one of you changes and grows to be healthier, this change is going to affect the marriage. This is unavoidable because, as you become a different person, your needs are going to change as well.
I wish I could speak to the topic of marriage counseling firsthand, but hub flat out refuses to talk with any sort of “shrink” or counselor. I am sure that he would go if I gave him an ultimatum with divorce being the other option, but I have not been ready/willing to play that card, so we have never done it. I did ask him to talk with my therapist a couple of times, but he always refused. Alas.
If you have a spouse who is more willing to participate in your healing, I suggest Laura Davis’ book Allies in Healing. This book is written for those who love someone who has been sexually abused, and it does a good job explaining many of the things that we need our spouses to know about us. A big issue for spouses is feeling rejected by our ambivalence toward sex. This book helps explain to the spouse that this is an aftereffect of the abuse and not a personal rejection of the spouse.
A good, qualified marriage counselor can help you work through the changes in your marriage as you heal. Your marriage counselor should not be the same person as your personal therapist because you need a “neutral party” that doesn’t have “loyalties” only to you. I have heard from friends who did go through marriage counseling that you can learn a lot of tools to help you understand each other better and increase communication.
If you have personal experience with marriage counseling (whether positive or negative), please share it in the comments. Some of my readers would like to hear from those who have tried it.
Photo credit: Amazon.com
My husband and I briefly went to couple’s therapy. We went to two or three sessions together, and he went to one session alone, to address any issues that he might have trouble discussing in front of me. I wish that we could continue the counseling, because I found that it made a huge difference. It was helping us to communicate on a regular basis, for me to get my needs met without resorting to begging or nagging, and we were starting to work on the need for him to constantly view me as an adult, instead of the child that I sometimes am (with DID).
We stopped going because we had to reschedule several times due to finances, and finally my husband just never made a new appointment. I think I will bring up the idea of us continuing the counseling, because like I said, while we were going, I saw a huge improvement in our marriage. Now that we haven’t been in some months, things have slid back the way they were.
Faith,
Sorry your hub is anti therapy. Lots of men folk are.
There is another option that may be more amenable to the men, and that is working with a qualified Life/Personal coach as a couple. Many coaches can work with your therapist to tailor a structure that is right for you. It doesn’t get into all the past or necessarily “mushy” stuff. It is a solution based/action oriented process.
I think the guys like the label of “coach” better than counselor, and it really is quite different. Also, if they go in thinking that it is for working on something positive for your marriage, rather than fixing anyone’s psyche, that also helps.
Just an idea to roll around.
Peace, and great posting!
mia
[...] Marriage Counseling for Child Abuse Survivors and Spouses … [...]
[...] Marriage Counseling for Child Abuse Survivors and Spouses … [...]
Marriage counseling actually was a tool in pointing out that my husband needed to pursue 1:1 counseling more avidly. Many issues surfaced that he needed to address to work through his own pain from his past.
My biggest frustration which marriage counseling helped us resolve was that my hubby was not taking an active role in understanding DID. This conversation took place in marriage counseling. He has done much better with this.
Unfortunately, he only pursued 1:1 counseling for about 3 months after we put marriage counseling on hold so
he could pursue his individual issues.
This post is good timing, though, as he is coming into one of my sessions within the next few weeks to discuss some needed adjustments that he can make to help his own sanity in being married to a person with DID, and also ways to assist my sanity.
We’ll see how that goes…
ang
I was in marriage counseling when I was mis dx as bi-polar.
During one of the sessions I bolted and went on a swing. Gee you think the Dr from Yale might have considered DID.
My former wife set up the appointments. They stopped. Come to find out the good Dr had become her therapist.
I finally asked for a divorce.
I was in court mandated counseling due to the custody battle. It was so anti male it was crazy.
I never found any anti male attitude except with marriage and my children.
The maternal instinct exists. I have found by reading the blogs that it does not always exist.
[...] the rest here: Marriage Counseling for Child Abuse Survivors and Spouses … tags: abuse, child, child abuse, healing, marriage-counseling, national, online-course, [...]
[...] the original here: Marriage Counseling for Child Abuse Survivors and Spouses … tags: child-abuse, counseling, debt-relief, healing, held-at-shippensburg, opinion, [...]
My hubby has been very involved in my therapy. We have seen my therapist together and a separate therapist. This has benefited us greatly. There have been so many times when I just could not explain to him what was going on inside and the therapist has really helped us be able to communicate better. I tend to not always know when I’ve had a conversation with him on the outside or just internally and I make so many assumptions and he tends to jump to conclusions as well when he doesn’t always see or understand that other parts are interacting with him. I’m sure it’s confusing to him. I would definitely recommend working with a therapist with your partner if at all possible but if that feels like a threat, a life coach would be a great option as well.
[...] Marriage Counseling for Child Abuse Survivors and Spouses (faithallen.wordpress.com) [...]
[...] [...]
[...] Marriage Counseling for Child Abuse Survivors and Spouses (faithallen.wordpress.com) [...]
[...] Marriage Counseling for Child Abuse Survivors and Spouses (faithallen.wordpress.com) [...]
[...] Marriage Counseling for Child Abuse Survivors and Spouses (faithallen.wordpress.com) [...]
[...] Marriage Counseling for Child Abuse Survivors and Spouses (faithallen.wordpress.com) [...]
[...] Marriage Counseling for Child Abuse Survivors and Spouses (faithallen.wordpress.com) [...]
I wish my spouse and I could afford couneling from anyone. I really think it could save our relationship. I am fairly sure without it we are finished and its due to my abuse as a young woman. Unfortunately our finances are extremely tight and counseling is not inour budget. Any suggestions besides a member of a church?
Hi, Jody.
Some counseling centers work on a sliding scale because they care more about getting people help than about getting rich. My friend got completely free counseling this way after losing her job. I am not sure if her counseling center is religious-based or not.
Don’t shy away just because a counseling center has a religious connection. My T was initially working with a Methodist counseling center, but I received high quality therapy, not preaching. He was a psychologist who chose to work with a religiously-funded center, not a religious person wanting to be a counselor. He, too, works on a sliding scale, so you could see him for a limited payment.
- Faith