Yesterday, I shared that I wrote a draft letter to my mother/abuser that I might or might not send. I want feedback from my sister and best friend as well as all of you before I send it.
I had the worst nightmares after writing the letter. I could feel the revolving door of my multiple system in full spin while I tried to sleep (I wrote the letter late at night), and I had to do deep breathing to stop my heart from pounding. Then, it was a full night of one nightmare followed by the next.
The one that freaked me out the most was the one that involved me looking into a mirror. What I saw in the mirror looked nothing like me. I was a complete freak – bald and pale with no eye lashes, and the pupils of my eyes were bright red. I kept trying to push the image away, but it wouldn’t leave. I was hideous. :0(
I had multiple other nightmares, but they didn’t stick. I woke up in a cold sweat, and I am still shaky this morning. My kid (who crawled into bed with me last night) must have picked up on some of my energy, because he said out of nowhere, “Mom, I want you to drink some wine.” I told him that only alcoholics drink wine at 7:00 in the morning, but he said he didn’t care. (And, no, I have never had wine for breakfast!)
I have a better plan for the morning. My son and I are going to go to the gym. They have free childcare on Saturday mornings and a great “kids’ workout room” where he gets to work out using the Wii with other children while I work out. I think I will spend an hour on the elliptical machine. I will probably need that long to shake off the anxiety I am feeling this morning.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Faith,
I’m so sorry about your bad night. It sounds dreadful.
Your son sounds like a dear though. And, I have an addition to make to your wine observation. Only alcoholics and Italians drink wine before 7am… maybe you have some Italian in you? hee hee!
Seriously, I hope you are able to work off some of your anxiety and have a good day. My thoughts are with you.
Peace,
mia
Your nightmare sounds awful. I am sorry. You did a really good job with the letter to your momster. I have the opposite situation with mine. So the comments I had for you yesterday may not be very good. My momster never calls me or anything. The only time I see her or talk to her is when I initiate it or she has reported some injury to my sister (who updates me). When I talk to my mom, I spin and get depressed. My last visit was a trip with her to the emergency room a couple weeks ago for a head injury (She got drunk of her ass and passed out, hit something. She says she ‘walked into a wall’. She had a swollen face, two black eyes and a golf ball size bump on her head…. hmmmmm?). So I guess my sister takes care of the more regular type communications and I do the patch work, clean up (pk handles it – I understand that now)
Your son is sweet. I liked your solution of going to the gym
Only the best wishes for you Faith
palucci
Hi Mia!
Faith, do you think it’s possible that you were finally able to see the effects of your trauma when you looked in the mirror? I know that when I have written to my family, in the past, it stirred up a lot of internal issues, and as a result, my mind did a lot of processing while everything was in progress. I don’t know, but from different posts I’ve read, it sounds as though your mother treated you hideously. It wouldn’t surprise me if you “looked” that bad when you finally saw all that you saw.
I’m so sorry. Recovery sucks almost as much as the abuse, sometimes.
Meredith
(forgot to check follow-up comments)
M