The past few weeks have been rough. I have not been sleeping well for weeks, with lots of nightmares when I can sleep. I finally took some prescription strength medication to get a good night’s rest a couple of nights ago. That moved into me feeling lethargic all day yesterday, like I was fighting off a cold (and maybe I was).
I got a lot of sleep and rest yesterday. Today, I just feel kind of depressed. It’s like I had all of this intensity going from the visit to my hometown, and now that the intensity has passed, it has left a dark pit of depression in its wake. The weird part is that I really thought I was okay while I was in my hometown. Perhaps I was just dissociating?? I don’t know.
It doesn’t help that we have a full moon tonight or that Mother’s Day is approaching, with my mother/abuser coming to my state. She told my sister that she might swing by my house to drop off a video whether I am there or not … should be interesting if hub is home! My son and I will be in another state. We will be gone from Friday evening through Sunday evening, so we will miss her passing through.
I have decided not to acknowledge my mother/abuser in any way for Mother’s Day. I am finished with contact. I wonder if I am dissociating my feelings about all of this. Perhaps a part of me is saddened by this decision?? I don’t know. I just know that she makes me feel crazy, and I am tired of her ability to wield this kind of power over me. I have decided to write “return to sender” on anything she sends me, and I will not be contacting her any more. So, perhaps my funk ties into that??
I don’t know. It is all very annoying. If I have to have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), it would be nice to know why I am triggered so I can heal it and move on. I feel like I am trapped in this awful place of feeling pain without knowing why or how to fix it. It is very frustrating.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Hi Faith, your last sentence says it all for me. I am feeling the same way. I wish you were feeling better. It sounds like the visit to your home town, your mother’s intrusions, the holidays and your responsibilities as a mother is a lot to have going on at once. Plus, even though you plan to be away, the thought of your mother just dropping in, sends chills up my spine.
I spent a lot of time wiht my family this weekend. We had a special celebration for my D. It was all very good, but I had some nightmares afterwards and intrusive thoughts about my dad during preparations for the event. I used the skills my T has taught me and I did very well considering. But now I just feel very tired. I have no motivation to do anything. Nothing sounds appealing. I feel so depressed I dont know what to do with myself. I saw my t today. I really really didn’t want to leave. I realized after I left that I have also been feeling an intense need for safety and comfort. I feel better after having seen her, so I am going to try and be as productive at work as I can while it lasts…
I hope your day is better. I am glad you had a chance to rest yesterday. I plan to take a nap at my lunch hour today
hugs,
palucci
Faith and Palucci!
I hope you both start feeling more settled and centered real soon. Thinking of you both.
Peace and blessings,
mia
I hope you and your son have a good trip, Faith!
Sam
This is what I have found is true for me.
After any really hard work I get very very tired. If I do not get rest than it builds until I crash. Very very hard as often the work results in me not knowing how to rest.
Some of us really to not get how hard this work is. How could they their job is to not be aware of all of this.
In a way I can not understand why I am so worn out as I did not do the work.
It is impossible for those who do the work of therapy to explain or predict. Which aggravates those of us that do not do the work.
Faith and MFF
I experience terrible exhaustion after coming through the other side of intense experiences, regardless of whether they are physical or emotional. I thought this would pass at some point in healing, but I’ve learned that it isn’t part of something that will be integrated. I don’t know what I thought “being One” was going to look like twenty years ago, but I’m sure it didn’t look like me, today. I still experience PTSD, my mind still processes current events with old trauma, but I think some things are just about being human. I have friends who don’t have issues like mine who come home after visiting their childhood home front–and collapse just inside the front door once they return.
I love reading your blog, Faith, and I think the topics that have been written about and discussed, lately, are fantastic. They are also a very healing experience for me because I’m glad to have a connection “group.” My mind is just too fried, lately, to complete a post, and so it’s nice to just “listen.”
Oh. The other thing I wanted to share is that PTSD is a common component of DID.
Have a good day.
~Meredith.
Faith, It may be a prespective issue. You may still see yourself as a helpless child. Try hard to keep yourself in the here and now by visualizing your self as a much bigger and more powerful adult. An adult that could overpower her or turn her into the authorities. If she ever showed up at your door just don’t awnser, period. Take back your power.
If someone you don’t want coming to your house shows up what do you do? A religous group or sales person? You just don’t engage. I wouldn’t even write return to sender just toss it out like trash. Don’t let her overpower you in your mind.
Stay strong and know you are loved.
Sarah
mothers day is in your honor faith….so enjoy it! =^..^=