I think I have a better idea about what is going on with me now. When I left the gym this morning, I felt a very strong need to cry, but no tears would come. This is an odd thing for me because for most of my life, I could cry at the drop of a hat. Whenever I feel this heaviness of needing to cry but can’t, I know I am dealing with a dissociated part of myself.
So, when I climbed into the shower, I invited myself to cry, and a distressed alter part came out. I could not produce any tears, but this part wailed loudly. I felt completely separate from this part and had the same internal dialogue I always do – “I am being so dramatic. Who I am being dramatic for? Nobody is here!!” Then, just as suddenly as it started, it went back inside, and I could feel the heaviness in my stomach (where I keep feeling an urge to binge eat to shove it back down).
I invited the part back out, and then another part came. This alter part was absolutely terrified, hyperventilating and completely freaking out. I forced my eyes open and told myself that I am in an adult body and am safe. That drove the part back into my stomach, too.
I couldn’t get either part to come out again, but at least now I know what I am dealing with – more unhealed trauma. Oh, joy!
I invited both parts into a special “room” by my heart that is warm and safe with a door that only opens from the inside. It might take some coaxing for me to “move” these alter parts out of my stomach and stop the urges to binge eat.
Never a dull moment when healing from dissociative identity disorder (DID).
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Congratulations. Perhaps that seems like an odd thing to say, but starting to get an understanding of what has been under an unexplainable distress is always a good thing even though it leads to increased deep work to get through it. From my perspective it also means that those parts you are just starting to become aware of are starting to feel safe enough to let their presence be known.
Are these new alters?? It sounds that way, but I wasn’t clear… I’m so glad for you that you discovered what is going on. Sorry about the unresolved trauma.
I’m sure you are going to work this out. I hope you have support if things get rocky.
Wishing you a good weekend,
mia
Hi, Mia.
I have not actually counted, but I estimate that I had hundreds of parts — mostly personality fragments — so these parts would be “new to me.” :0)
- Faith
Faith,
May not be the same at all. I have parts that are outside of my body. They do not ‘come out” rather they “come in”.
It does not lend itself to discussion with in the current understanding of dissociation.
For me when the come in there was a severe physical reaction which is not their fault. It is less severe now.
Any way I thought would throw the concept your way and you can do with it what you wish.
I experience “coming in” as well. Some personalities were just way too damaged to live in the skin. One of my folks is still stuck in my home town–literally. For that personality, I know I’m going to have to reel her in when it’s time to do the work. I’m dreading that day. I’m not sure if I’m ready to remember that much pain, again.
Hey Faith,
you are hilarious:) “never a dull moment with DID” lol
I am actually amazed at its multidimensionality and just starting to appreciate its protective function which helps.
it takes multidimensional to a whole new dimension
I have just started therapy regarding my borderline, flashbacks, and DID issues and my tentative guess as to how many parts I think a have, was: 3 or 4 ?!
I realize now it really was only a guess cos my post-reading-your-post estimations are now at about 40. Do you think its possible to have like 3 or 4 very reliable everyday alter parts and them some that appear very rarely, more like the fragments you mentioned?
Thanx and Cheers!
I also like MFFs concept of “coming in”. Thats the way i experience it too (if I “expereince” it). its more an invasive kinda thing, it feels like it either takes over or comes and gets me.ahh just writing about me makes me so uneasy!!
Thanx tho, MFF!!
oh and another question: can one (haha) feel like someone else too, like someone one knows or is (too) close to?
Faith,
I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate the insight into D.I.D. that I find described in your blog. My best friend is a multiple, and I have to say that I find friendships with “healthy” friends a bit boring. There is certainly an added dimension when you are privileged enough to be able to interact with numerous parts within one person. That added dimension has the potential to drive friends away or refine the friendship into an unbreakable bond. I get thrown for a loop by alters every once in a while, but there is nothing that could drive me away.
Anyway, this post brought up a couple of questions we had regarding an emerging alter that we hadn’t recognized before:
- do grown-ups split off new alters? or is it more likely that they are just hiding?
- do alters start cooperating with each other (like two alters meld together independent of the core to create a new alter that combines the traits of the two separate alters)?
Sorry to hear that you have more trauma to deal through, but I’m so glad that you are at the point that you recognize the pattern leading up to it so you aren’t terribly surprised when it hits. I think you (and the other survivors) are the most courageous women in the world.
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