*******trigger warning – confinement and emotional abuses*******
My abusers would sometimes bury me alive. I don’t know why other than to freak me out. I cannot fathom what purpose burying someone alive has other than to be cruel. Those memories are more flashes than anything else.
I did recover one “after” memory of digging myself out and then finding my mother talking to S & L (my most sadistic abusers). I remember her making a crack about how dirty I was. I was a little girl who just wanted to watch TV or read a book. It was very unusual for me to get dirty at all, so my mother’s flip comment about being “dirty” was very upsetting to me.
They would put some sort of tube in my mouth so I could breathe, and then they would heap dirt on me. I feared what would happen if they put something in the tube because then I would not be able to breathe.
To this day, I hate to get my hands dirty. I hate gardening, and I let people think it is because I am too much of a “princess” to get dirt in my fingernails. The truth is that any type of dirt in my fingernails really wigs me out. What’s even worse is dirt inside of my nails, such as when your nail separates, and then dirt gets stuck between the two parts. Seeing any split in my nails sends me over the edge. I have to cut my nails off before I let my nails split like that.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Wow. Faith, I am continuing to be in awe of you sharing, and I am so thankful for this gift of DID. Without it, I just don’t know. How are you? Hanging in there? Thanks again for choosing to share. I have told a few people about you doing this and posted it on my blog, encouraging people to come and read.
love,
ang et al
Thanks, Ang.
I have noticed that I am getting more hits these days. I am glad that sharing my story is helping others. It’s hard, but I am hanging in there.
- Faith
Just letting you know I am still reading.
Michael
Hey Faith,
I will have to read this one later… I feel too triggered by the title, but wanted to just say hey and lend support.
Keep going, you’re doing great.
peace,
mia
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Men who threaten to take away the kids are engaging in post separation violence. It is common for batterers to threaten to take children away from the battered woman by proving her to be an unfit mother. For this reason, some lawyers advise women not to tell courts or mediators about child abuse or domestic abuse because, by doing so, they risk losing custody to the alleged abuser!
This is one reason that I feel so compelled to speak out. My history of child abuse makes me a BETTER parent, not an “unfit” one. If every woman who was sexually abused was “unfit” to parent, then 1/3 of all women would lose custody of their children. That’s ridiculous.
- Faith
Just want you to know I have been reading your story and thanks for sharing. I feel like if you can live through that, I can face my abuse and tell someone about my worst memory/ies of abuse.