*******trigger warning – emotional, ritual, & physical abuse*******
Most of my memories of ritual abuse happened during the night, so this flashback surprised me by taking place in the daytime. My sister and I had to work together to piece it all together to make sense of what happened. We both had the same basic memory – of the child falling – but we had to combine our memory fragments to piece together the how. We have different opinions of the truth of what happened that day.
A group of ritual abusers took us out in the woods during the day, which was unusual. We came to a clearing and stood in a group – the abusers with my sister and me – and watched a toddler walk around on a deer stand. The deer stand was high enough up to hurt the toddler if she fell, and it did not have guard rails on the sides (sort of like this one).
There was no adult there to protect the toddler. She looked new to walking and was unsteady on her feet. She toddled this way and that, and I was terrified about what would happen if she fell off. One of the abusers whispered in my ear in a sing-songy voice, “Hey, [child’s name]. Where’s your dolly?”
Eventually, the toddler lost her balance and fell off the deer stand. My sister says she remembers watching her body fall to the ground and thinking, “Hmmm. I thought it would bounce.” She believes the toddler died and that we witnessed a murder. I choose to believe that there was some sort of cushion that prevented the toddler from dying, but I do not remember the toddler making any noise, such as crying after the fall.
I have been haunted by nightmares of falling my entire life, especially of my son falling from a great height. I hear that people never hit the ground when they fall in their dreams, but I do – both my son and I hit the ground in my dreams. I do not like sitting on balconies, and I am fearful whenever my son is anywhere near any sort of ledge, such as a hotel balcony.
My sister has been haunted by the sound of the toddler’s body hitting the ground – thump. She hears is over and over in her head, followed by the thought of, “Hmmm. I thought it would bounce.”
Photo credit: Hekatekris
There seems to be no end to their madness. sigh.
I think my brain just froze.
Hugs and blessings,
mia
I’m so sorry you went through this. Though I would never wish my abuse on anyone, i can imagine there is a sense of relief to the insanity to have someone to piece together memories with.
How terrible to witness that.
ang et al
I can’t imagine how horrible it is to witness a child die, when you yourself are a child. Mine are other fears – I have yet to face all Hitchcock’s movies that my father made me watch – I suspect he acted out some on me, and I am not yet ready to face it.
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This is indeed a horrible image to have in ones mind. I felt compelled to write to you about the first thought I had as I read this part of your story. That thought was: They tricked her with a doll. In fact, the doll that instantly came to my mind was a specific doll from the 1970s called Baby Come Back. It is a battery operated doll that looks like a toddler which walks a short distance, then turns around by itself and walks in another direction, then turns again, etc. until it either knocks into something or loses balance and falls over. You can see what they look like by doing a search on ebay. I remember seeing one of these dolls in action as a child and being freaked out by how wobbly and unstable it looked as it toddled around, its head bobbing back and forth to keep balance. From a distance I can imagine it being mistaken for a real toddler. I am so so SO hoping that these sadists were only tricking you with a doll and not a real baby. What they did to you and your sister was horrid either way, but if my hunch is right maybe it could help ease the pain a tiny bit.
Hi, Julie.
Thank you for this. :0)
- Faith
Has any legal action ever happened to any of the people involved in this? Where did this take place? Is the “cult” still active?
Hi, Indigo.
Sadly, I have no answers to any of your questions. I moved out of state and am no longer in contact with anyone involved in the cult. I hope they are not still active, but I am not willing to risk my son’s safety to inquire.
- Faith
I have found your blog this evening. What a brave soul you are. My heart goes to you, and all of you who have gone through such traumatic childhoods.
My husband has DID and suffered at the hands of his mother and many, many others. He is just starting treatment and so all this is very new. He was having memories drip through slowly int he form of flashbacks but last week, all of a sudden, all the memories landed over three days. Hundreds of them.
He also has states where he looks like he has fainted.
We have children. Which is why I am so scared to take further action. We know a number of the men are still around our area and bumped into one recently. his mother is also still around. But like you Faith, am too concerned about our children to push.
Reading your blog about dirty fingernails is so interesting as my hubby has a large number of idiosyncrasies which we never understood (hatred of Pink Floyd and swimming), until a couple of years ago as he had full amnesia about his childhood until then.
xxxxxxx
i’m sorry.