On my blog entry entitled Faith Allen’s Story – Refusing Therapy, a reader posted the following question:
Do you find that somethings can just not be done alone? ~ MFF
MFF was referring to whether therapy is necessary in order to heal from some elements of child abuse. The short answer is yes – I do believe that some parts of healing from child abuse require the assistance of a qualified therapist.
As I shared in that blog entry, I was determined not to enter into therapy. However, I found myself finally recognizing that I was in over my head. I simply could not heal from the child abuse alone. I needed an expert to guide me.
A good therapist is going to encourage you to do lots of work between the sessions. My therapist never tried to make me dependent upon him. He gave me the tools I needed to heal. As I learned how to use those tools, I did not need to see him as frequently: I could use the tools he taught me to manage the flashbacks and pain on my own.
Healing from child abuse is simple – You need to love and accept yourself, including your experiences, as you are. That’s it. Of course, this “simple” goal was the most difficult thing that I have ever done (and continue doing). A therapist acts as a guide driving you to this place. He or she helps you dismantle the lies that you have believed throughout your life – lies such as that you are fundamentally unlovable, damaged beyond repair, deserve to suffer, etc. These are all lies, but we child abuse survivors believe them deeply and need an outside person – preferably a professional – to debunk the lies.
I also needed a professional to reassure me that I was not crazy because I truly had my doubts. I flip-flopped daily about whether I believed my flashbacks. My history is so “crazy” that I had a very hard time believing that it truly happened. It was easier to believe that I was “f@#$ed in the head” than to believe that all of these horrible things really happened to me. My therapist grounded me and believed in me when I was not able to believe in myself.
Another reason that a therapist is crucial is because a therapist knows the road map of healing. While we child abuse survivors intuitively know the path to healing, it does not feel “right” to us, so we tend to fight the flow of healing. We need a professional saying that it is a good thing that we are feeling terrible because we are never going to believe that for ourselves.
Also, because my therapist knew the road map, he often knew what was around the bend before I did. I would enter into his office feeling too ashamed to share the latest struggle, but he would intuitively “know” what I was facing because he knew what to expect while I did not.
Therapy is crucial for healing from child abuse. Whether you were abused “only one time” or your childhood was a complete nightmare, you need a therapist to help you heal.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
I feel that it took a gifted therapist to help me. The 9 before her were well trained and all experienced. They all wanted to help and all thought they were. I left of good terms with all but one.
To be clear the therapist before the current one knew she was in over her head and most cleverly steered me towards my current therapist.
The therapist before this one is a classic. I have CJ on my left and am talking to her. She is a dog. Mikie is in the bean bag chair and wants the therapist to know he likes her. I am talking about the Wizard, the Scribes, the Guards and the Jester while playing with a stuffed football and she suspects I might be DID. To be fair she was the first one that knew I was PTSD. How the others missed that I have no clue.
Most of my work is outside of therapy. It is all done within the context of a therapeutic relationship. My therapist understands she does not understand.
How she listens to the horrors I tell her I have no idea. How she deals with how outlandish we are I have no idea. I have told her she needs a new f’n job, said “What are you F’n high” asked “got any cookies”
As I write this it is clear I have no idea what she is doing. It is not my gig. I just know I get us there and back.
We look at it as dealing with things we can not deal with alone so we can deal with anything ourselves without being alone.
We so hate that the goal is to work real hard so we can give up the most important relationship we have had other then with our children.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Although I was not abused nearly as terribly as you were, I now realize that I need to find myself a good therapist or I will continue to go in circles despite the progress I have made.
MFF hugs if ok. I am oddly comforted by your writing, its all familiar, validating for me.
Hi Faith, I think my t is very wise and yeah, went through a lot of them before I found her. I am always amazed by her for a lot of reasons. One thing is that she always tells me ‘thank you’ when I show her my writing or drawings. At first it felt weird and I wasn’t sure if she meant it, or why she would say it. But I have been with her for a while now and now I trust that response. She taught me how to manage some of the stress and anxiety I feel. Like using all my senses to pull myself into the present. Self soothing tactics like telling myself good things, like I ‘will be ok’. And ‘I am actually safe right now’. ‘I can and will make it through this’. A funny one that works sometimes is smiling. At first I was like, I have done that all my life, the mask I have always worn, class clown entertainer. But what she meant was, when no one is around, smile. It’s not putting on a mask or a show, its something about that action of smiling that your insides respond to. It also came up in the class I took with her – to hug a tree… now I haven’t gone that direction yet, but the idea makes me smile. Also she believes me. And because she believes me, I am learning to trust myself and my feelings. For the first time ever I have moments where I dont feel like a complete crazy f$@k. Not only was the abuse horrible, but I torture myself constantly with the thoughts that I dont have a right to my feelings, that this could not have all happened. I am a sh%$. Mostly I go between being completely consumed and wacked, to self-hatred and doubt, depression. But gradually I am having more moments of relief – of being in the present. The other good thing that she has helped me deal with is, my husband. My husband does not know much about my childhood, because I am afraid of his response – He’ll freak and then I will have to reassure him and deal with all this on top of it. I cant. But he does know some of it and I think its because she has given me something to stand on and I feel stronger and I can risk it. He is amazingly supportive, less unstable than our first couple conversations. One good thing that has come of all this, is that I know he really loves me. Other things that I am aware of now, that I need to attend to, is nutrition, sleep and exercise (moderate not psycho level like I can be). These are just basic things, but if I dont keep them in check, I become more vulnerable to all the other struggles I have.
Thank you Faith. You have helped me more than you probably will ever know.
Hugs,
palucci
I am struggling so much in therapy to believe my memories and trust that I deserve to heal… I really needed to read this today, thank you.
This is one of those posts that I want to bookmark and come back to when I’m feeling particularly lost and jaded. Thanks so much for writing this.
WG