On my blog entry entitled Abused Children Don’t Have the Option of Saying No, a reader posted the following comment:
To be honest, posts like this invalidate me. My sexual abuse came from a boy who was, while bigger and stronger, only a year older. A lot of people whom I come out to don’t even consider it abuse. ~ Eri
Today I am going to address the victim of child-on-child abuse. Tomorrow, I will address those of you who abused other children as a child who now experience guilt and shame. I hope to provide you with healing while, at the same time, validate the experience of the victims of child-on-child abuse.
I vehemently disagree with the people who are telling Eri that a child cannot be abused by another child. I know adoptive parents who have parented foster children with a history of sexual abuse. These children sexually abused the younger children in the home. It does happen, and it is abuse. The victim of sexual abuse (or any other form of child abuse) experiences trauma from that experience whether the abuser is age 8 or 80. The victims of child-on-child abuse need therapy and to work through the healing process just as much as those of us who were abused by adult abusers.
To quote my therapist, let’s stay out of the abuser’s head. Whether the intention of the abuser was to inflict grievous harm or to understand the abuse inflicted upon himself does not change the experience of the victim. The victim is not privy to what is going on inside of the abuser’s head during the abuse. All the victim knows is that someone he trusted is now forcing him to do something that he does not want to do, and that act of abuse is causing deep emotional pain (and likely physical pain as well).
Children, by nature, are tattletales. If the experience was “normal” consensual child play (“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours”), then the child would blab about it. That is simply the way a child’s mind works. A child is not developmentally ready to keep a secret unless that secret is forced upon him. If another child (whether older or younger) forced you to keep a secret as a child after forcing you to participate in any form of abuse, that child was your abuser. Period.
Don’t let anyone else invalidate your experience. Normal child play does not result in nightmares, flashbacks, eating disorders, panic attacks, substance abuse, self-injury, and the myriad of other aftereffects that are common among child abuse survivors. Your abuser does not have to be 18 years old to qualify as a child abuser.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
the abuse I suffered started when I was about 5. My Abuser was aged 9. This continued for several years and increased in severity to include my older brother (7 years older than me) and several of the original Abuser’s friends.
I was forced to keep this secret by physical violence.
I had my arm broken. I had the Abuser’sdog set on me and chased and eventually bitten. In both instances it had got back to my Abuser that I suggested something was happening that I didn’t like. I told my parents. I told a school teacher (who told my parents….and wasn’t believed)
What I didn’t know (until my adult years) was the Abuser was herself being controlled by my father.
Though I was disowned my family, I still feel the blame and thoughts that I brought it on myself.
Gary
Hi, Gary.
I am so sorry for all that you have suffered. I have two close off-line friends who suffered from sibling abuse, and it’s really tough. Either you have to cut ties with your family or interact with your abuser at family functions. As with your situation, the parents did not believe the victims or tried to minimize it.
- Faith
I love what your therapist said about not getting into the abuser’s head. There is no excuse, there are no valid reasons. Of course an abuser – of any age – is going to have a driving force behind what they are doing. That does not change the experience for the victim.
As survivors, we take control of our lives and stop letting the abuse hurt us. For many, the abuse continues to cause harm for years after the physical abuse has stopped. We are the key to getting our lives back. It sucks that we have to clean up the mess made by others, but there is no one else to do it, and we are the ones with so much to gain.
Faith,
Wow! I just realized that I was abused by a friend when I was very young, but always thought I was consenting…. This is huge!
Because we were the same age and it was in the form of a game it never occurred to me that it was abuse, however, I never felt good about it. The idea that I was coerced and not forced always made it feel like I was a willing participant. The truth I was compliant, but it was not so black and white. Looking back, I know she must have been abused because she knew things that a girl her age would not know otherwise. She had 7 brothers and their father was never home and needless to say mom was overworked, overwhelmed and drunk most of the time.
Anyway, thanks for this Faith…. I have a lot to think about now and a whole lot of things (trust issues, sex issues, etc…) are now making a whole lot more sense.
Peace,
mia
I’ve been reading your posts with interest. Thank you for writing them!
I’m commenting to let you know that this is the ad I saw at the bottom of your post:
Ads by Google
False Child Abuse Charges
Resource site for the falsely accused of child sexual abuse.
http://www.FalseAbuse.com
Perhaps you want to filter out advertising from such sites?
Best wishes,
Sonia
(@traumahealed on twitter)
Hi, Sonia.
Thanks for the heads up. I was not aware that there were Google ads on my blog! They must be added by WordPress (I figured they were getting **something** out of letting me blog for free!). I don’t see them when I am logged in and viewing my blog, so I did not know that they were there.
Unfortunately, I don’t have a way to filter them. We have Google ads on my professional site. They auto-generate based upon the content of the blog entry, so I guess it is not surprising that would appear.
Sorry about that!
- Faith
*** trigger warning ***
I was down the street from my house. I was playing with 2 boys (I think) on the grass. They weren’t my friends, I didn’t know them. I think one was my age, about 8, and the other was older by a year or two maybe. We were wrestling. I told the boy my age lets really fight. He said no. When we started to wrestle, I got on top of him. I covered his mouth and nose with both my hands. His eyes were wild, scared. His face changed color. I wanted to hold him down like that until he quit moving. But at the same time, It was like my body was having its own conversation – it felt neither the desire to keep pressing or the desire to let go. He quit moving but didn’t pass out. and I just let go. I have thought about that boy often. I feel terrible for what I did to him that day. I wonder if he still thinks about it, remembers it. I wonder if he is mad or scared, or if it has effected the way he protects his children from other children. If I could see him again, and I knew he remembered. I would tell him I was sorry. That I had no right to do that. I would tell him he was a good kid and didn’t deserve what I did. I would not make excuses. I would not ask for his forgiveness.
palucci
SORRY!!!! I should have put trigger warnings on my last post…. augh. sorry!!!
Hi, Palucci.
I just added it for you. I didn’t realize that I could edit comments. Every 3 years or so, you learn something new. LOL
- Faith
Thank you Faith!
I was abused by the children who lived next door to me when I was four years old. The girl was 6, and there were two boys 8 and 10. The six year old was much larger than I was and she had a very dominant personality. I was scared to death of her. Two years doesn’t sound like much of an age difference, but it felt like it to a four year old. The boys may as well have been adults, there was a huge power differential between us. Their family was involved with a cult started by Jack Parsons, the rocket scientist/occultist. Those kids were being horribly abused by their parents and other adults, so I understand why they abused me.
We moved out of that area when I was eight, and I taught the six year old new next door neighbor the sexual games that my abusers had played with me. They packaged it as *fun* and so I did the same. It wasn’t fun, it felt horribly shameful, but I acted that out. The neighbor girl, in turn, did the same to my sister. I didn’t find this out until I was an adult, when my M told me. I have felt deep pain and guilt over the years, and it was compounded when I found out that my sister had been molested. Even as a child I knew that it was wrong. I made sure to impress on the girl that it was a secret game, not to tell anyone. On another level I felt comfortable operating in the realm of danger, pain and secrets. This set up a pattern of many years of compulsive sexual behavior.
So much pain, so much heartbreak. I’m so grateful to be in recovery and to have found healing. I’m still part of the walking wounded, but I’m still here, and I’m in my right mind. I have a lot to be grateful for.
This is hard to share, but if it helps just one person feel less alone, it’s worth it.
Hi, Kate.
My heart breaks for you. I think my Friday blog entry will help you:
http://faithallen.wordpress.com/2010/07/23/regretting-being-the-perpetrator-of-child-on-child-abuse/
- Faith
Can a Child Abuse Another Child? « Blooming Lotus…
I found your entry interesting do I’ve added a Trackback to it on my weblog
…
I was abused by a teenager aged 15-16-17 (poosibly 18 by the time it stopped) and I was aged 7 when it started. it varied in severity. I have always struggled to call it ‘abuse’ because of his young age and because as one poster said, it was packaged as ‘fun’, and I liked part of it, to the point where I went to him to be abused and not the other way around. I guess he did a real mumber on me, to have me that convinced.
ecxept I wasn’t that convinced it was the right thing to do, as I never told my parents or anyone else what was going on, I feared the consequences too much, I feared that I or he or both of us would be in enormous trouble, as he made it quite clear that this was part of the package too.
my fear came out in other ways, I was terrified that someone would come in through the windows and hurt my brothers who were younger than me, and I refused to sleep alone, preferring to sleep on the sofa in my brothers’ bedroom for a couple of years. no-one questioned this, even when I would refuse to go to sleep, instead screaming that the bad man would come through the window and hurt them.
**Triggers**
I acted out part of my pain and lack of control by hurting another child, a year younger than me. I guess that makes me an abuser too. I initiated a game of Drs and nurses and then hurt his private parts and made him bleed. I only did this once, It scared me when there was blood. I dont think I was trying to get a sense of satisfaction or gratification from it, more a sense of being in control of what happened to that part of someone’s body.
I feel deeply ashamed about what I did, moreso because that child grew up to be a serious drug addict. I know there was a lot of physical and emotional abuse in his home as well, but I cant help feeling partially responsible.
Etoiles
Hi. Etoiles.
See my Friday blog entry:
http://faithallen.wordpress.com/2010/07/23/regretting-being-the-perpetrator-of-child-on-child-abuse/
I think it will help you forgive yourself.
- Faith
Thank you. It means a lot to me if someone realises this is actually a huge problem.
All I have to say is thank you. This validates so much, and I don’t feel as much of a fraud anymore. Thank you.
With Love;
Eri
Thank you so much for this post. I am a survivor of incest at the hand of my brother from when he was 15 and I was 12. We are now 21 and 18, and I still suffer from the effects, as I was forced to keep the abuse (physical and emotional as well) a secret for three long years and then still had it invalidated when I told about it. Your blog is an inspiration to me.
Hi, Jen.
I am glad that this helped you. I have three close friends who were abused by siblings, so I know it happens and how hard it can be even though I did not experience it myself.
- Faith
I was abused by a fellow female classmate when I was 8-9.
I went through puberty at that time and was deeply ashamed of my body. She got the two biggest girls in the class to drag me down to the tunnels in the corner of the schoolyard, sat on me, undid my dress, and poked and examined my “boobies”.
She had a long history by that time of being my “friend”, then assaulting me out of the blue. Nothing was done about this bullying. Probably because she had multiple disabilities.
I remember that it happened, the basic facts of the matter, but I also remember spacing out, allowing it to happen, not fighting back. When all the memories and emotions fused one day in therapy it was overwhelming shame and grief and agony.
Why didn’t anyone help?
And, when I told certain health professionals, they took the view that it was just what kids do, or at the worst, “Assault”. not sexual assault. And my family doubt it even happened.
Not to mention, she’s still in my circle of school “friends” and we are now 33.
[...] regretting child-on-child abuse, shame after child-on-child abuse Yesterday, I blogged about child-on-child abuse. The focus of that blog entry was to validate the experience of anyone who was abused as a child by [...]
[...] @ 5:56 am Tags: sibling abuse, siblings abusing other siblings Last week, I blogged about child-on-child abuse. It occurred to me that I have not yet covered sibling abuse directly on my blog, so I will rectify [...]
This part: “Normal child play does not result in nightmares, flashbacks, eating disorders, panic attacks, substance abuse, self-injury, and the myriad of other aftereffects that are common among child abuse survivors.” resonates with me. For many, many years I viciously battled in my head not believing that what had happened to me was “really abuse”. It wasn’t til I acknowledged all those negative effects and started to see patterns in my dreams that I could even begin in the most microscopic way to accept that what happened to me was not my own fault.
I totally agree with what you’ve said here, Faith.
[...] Can a Child Abuse Another Child? (faithallen.wordpress.com) [...]
Thank you for responding to a google search I figured wouldn’t yield, well, anything. In my search to unravel a chronic eating disorder that has crippled me since age 14 (now 30) and thanks to some heavy soul searching, I realized what I’m smothering with copious amounts of food. The realization came from the things I need to visualize while purging, to make the food come back up. They’re all sexual. The shame of it makes me purge. Not remembering any abuse, or even opportunities for it from older males in my life, I had a think and recalled an incident in my back yard where a boy of 8 (I was 4 or 5) had basically raped me with a stick he broke off a tree. I never made the link between the fact that I’m terrified of sex and as such, technically still a virgin. I have never mentioned the incident to anyone since – since my mother caught him and locked him out of the house. I guess I didn’t, and still don’t, see it as legitimate abuse. But I’m certain as hell that it is a much bigger issue than I’ve acknowledged before today. Thank you for your blog.
Hi, Indenial.
Yes, that absolutely was abuse! I am glad you are finding your way out of the denial. You don’t have to live your live controlled by an eating disorder or filled with shame and fear.
- Faith
Thank you Faith!
-Indenial
I am 62 and my sister is 60. She has suddenly emailed me and accused me of sexually abusing her when we were children. She is not specific. She demands an appology and threatens to destroy my relationship with my teen-age daughter by the revelation. She is manic depressive who has been institutionalized multiple times for mental illness.
My only memory of what she claims is some playing doctor when we were 10 and 12. There was certainly nothing close to sex.
How should I respond to her allegation?
Hi, Bob.
I am sorry that you are in this situation. If it was your sister contacting me (and I would treat her allegation as being true), I would advise her against trying to bring your daughter into this. I would instead ask her what she hopes to gain by confronting you because a confrontation is not a required part of healing from child abuse. Assuming she thought that a confrontation was something she needed, I would advise against doing it by email. So, the scenario that she has set up here (an email confrontation with a threat to damage another relationship) is not something that I would encourage.
Back to your situation … If I were in your shoes, I would probably not respond to the email at all, but I would save it. I would then have a conversation with your daughter about her aunt. I would explain that Aunt X has a mental illness called bipolar disorder (the current name for manic depressive) and that, when she is in a manic state, she sometimes believes things that are not true. I would educate your daughter about the possible symptoms so she knows that this is all part of the mental illness. Once your daughter understands the mental illness, I would talk her through how she can handle contact from her mentally ill aunt.
Again, I am sorry that you are in this situation. My mother/abuser is mentally ill as well (with schizophrenia), and we would get into big arguments when I was a teenager because she honestly believed certain things happened that simply did not. We had a knock-down drag-out fight over her accusing me of telling her to divorce my father, which never happened. The worst part was that my father believed her over me because she was the adult. So, I feel your pain. It is very hard to reason with a mentally ill person who honestly believes the delusion.
- Faith
When I was 12 a friend of mine (the same age) made me do very uncomfortable and scary things of a sexual nature. I told her a few times I didn’t really want to do it, that I was scared, etc but she kept pressing me to keep “playing” saying it was normal and that her mom knew about it (God I hope that was a lie). She spread out my legs and pushed her fingers/objects up “there”. She got me to pose in sexual postitions, touched me, made me touch her, and did other things I don’t want to share here. My question: was this sexual abuse or something else? Was she being abused? Thanks. I find your blog informative.
Hi, Lyra.
Yes, this is sexual abuse, and she was very likely being sexually abused in a similar way. It is possible that her mother was her abuser based on what she said, but that is not necessarily the case.
I am so sorry that this happened to you.
- Faith
Thanks for your quick reply. It is hard for me to believe that I was abused – I mean, she was just a kid herself! But I feel the effects everyday of my life: I am terrified of people, I wear long sleeves all the time, I can’t bear to be touched, I have nighmares (wake up screaming, sweating, trembling), panic attacks, etc. Lately I have been really struggling with constant intrusive memories of the “abuse” – it is strange because when I remeber my body seems to react (I feel pain down “there”), tremble, my heart races, and I feel sick to my stomach. Is this normal? Thanks so much – I feel understood here.
Hi, Lyra.
Yes, all of those reactions are normal aftereffects of child abuse. I strongly recommend that you find a qualified therapist to help you work through your issues. They won’t just “go away.” You need to process what you have been through. Even if it only happened one time, it was one time too many, as is evidenced by your reaction to it.
- Faith
Thanks Faith. I am seeing a therapist who is helping me. It did not just happen once – it happened many times over the period of a year or two.
Hi, Lyra.
This is probably why you are having the aftereffects that you are. The more often the abuse happened, the more damage it does emotionally. I am glad that you are in therapy, and I am glad that you are seeing that this was abuse regardless of your abuser’s age when it happened.
- Faith
I was wondering what happens to all of these children that abused others. Are they all doomed? I read about how to treat the victims, but I don’t see what the treatment for the child who abused is.
Hi, Confused.
In my opinion, there are no “lost causes” as long as a person truly wants to heal. I know several adoptive parents who have adopted abused children out of foster care who abused siblings. The children that wanted to heal have and would never do such a thing again.
I have also interacted with many child abuse survivors online who abused other children while they were children themselves who now feel extremely guilty about it. The key is learning to love and forgive yourself. The fact that they feel guilty distinguishes them from abusers. When a child abuses another child, in most cases it is about trying to make sense of their own abuse. Of course, there are exceptions (such as psychopaths), but those would not feel guilty about what they have done or want to change.
- Faith
Thank you so much for this post – I came across it randomly while looking for something else. All my life, I’ve been told that what happened to me when I was six was just kids experimenting. I am female. My best friend when I was six was also a girl, and my mom would watch her and her older sister. Her older sister would have us go under or behind my younger brother’s (3 at the time) trundle bed. We had found my parents “More Joy of Sex” book, and the older sister demanded the three of us act out the different positions. I felt such terrible shame, but I was terrified and went along with it. Older sister would threaten us if we told. We wound up touching and kissing…everywhere…I still don’t know how it was able to happen under my mom’s watchful eye. I think that’s where some of my anger toward my mom comes from (among other things including her own mental illness and abuse stemming from that). Oddly enough, I was repeatedly abused in a variety of situations by two other female friends in the same group as a child from about 6 up until 9. I get flashes of it. I remember thinking it was kind of normal as a kid, but feeling shame and afraid to tell anyone. I wound up losing my virginity very early (14) and I’ve been in 3 physically abusive relationships with men since then. The events often make me question my sexuality.
Anyway, thank you so much for this post. It feels good to finally be validated, because what I experienced was most definitely abuse!
I feel an incredible amount of guilt and shame and responsibility about the sexual experiences i had in my childhood. I often try to diminish my own feeling towards what happened and have even questioned the reliability of my own memory before. When i was 8 a younger child of 7 possibly 6 told me that they had done something with one of their cousins and asked if i wanted to do it, I had never really been exposed to sex and so i said yes. At first i was a willing participant but after it happened i felt dirty and ashamed and so i cried. We ended up touching and kissing each other. It felt wrong. Sometime after that the same child asked me to do it again and when i said no they threatened me, so i engaged in these acts once more. I was older and should have been smarter and because of that i feel responsible. I even attempted to apologize to this person a few years later. I hate the 8 year old me that did those things. Was this abuse and if so was i the abuser? If this was normal why do i feel so bad? More things have happened to but nothing extremely severe and occurred with serveral different people. Im afraid to post for fear that someone will know its me.
***triggers***
I had another experience when i was about 12 with a younger female cousin. She was 8 or 9. Her father was my older cousin and i was over his house for a visit, we were sitting in her room watching a movie and out of nowhere she began to run her genitals up the length of my leg and then proceeded to try to masterbate by rubbing her body against mine. I told her to stop that i was going to tell but she wouldnt so i had to fight to get her off. She didnt stop until i drew blood. People were in the other room but i stayed in the room with her because i was too afraid to tell. I dont understand why she would do that to me, maybe she was being abused and was acting out which is why i feel guilty for not telling but why did she act out on me? To this day i cannot be in the room with little kids by myself with the door closed because im afraid and it wasnt until recently that i figure out why. 12 was also around the time that a older teen male started to do something that was very confusing. He would come into whatever room i was in, pin me to the ground or sometimes the bed and lay on top of me with his private area pressed into my bottom then he would get up and leave like nothing happened. He would act like it was a game but after the second time it happened i knew it wasnt. I would say stop but he wouldnt and being that he was so much more bigger and stronger than me it was just easier to lie still. It made me feel dirty but because of who he was i never wanted him to feel bad for it. I feel like i was the problem because i was the only common factor in all of these events. I keep asking myself if im just being sensitive but i dont know how to feel. Ive never told anyone because they might think its my fault or be dismissive of how i felt and im already gettting that from myself. Im depressed and confused and scared and lonely and it seems like all of this has gotten worse since ive began to seek my first romatic relationship. I dont know if any of this was sexual abuse and im scared to know because again it may have been my fault. Im sorry that my comment is so disjointed im still trying to make sense of this and deal with this on my own so when i happened upon this blog i decided to post on a whim. I figure i have nothing to lose because noone knows who i am.
The fact that im a girl and that most of my inappropriate sexual experiences happened with other girls makes me feel bad also. Sorry for the many posts i feel like i need to get off my chest but i keep leaving things out. Also, im writing from my phone because i dont want this to be on the history of my shared computer. It isnt healthy to be this paranoid and i realize that.
***********Trigger Warning***********
After reading this blog, I have come to realise something I kind of knew, but never had fully acknowledged. My innocence was taken away via child on child sexual activity (I am not yet comfortable with calling it abuse, as I am not yet sure if that is what it was).
The first time it happened, I remember it well, I was staying the night at my best friend (throughout childhood, from when I was 7 until about 13), and her older sister (by one year), they decided to get a book from the attic, which belonged to their parents… The Kama Sutra… I was extremely sexually innocent at that time and had no idea what that was and had never been interested nor introduced to sexual things such as this… They then decided we should re-enact the books pictures (we did this with our pyjamas on I think). As far as I can remember this was also the first time we all kissed in turns.. I remember feeling very strange about it all.. The two sisters kissed and I had to kiss both of them (they did not physically force me or threaten me but more of a peer pressure type of situation). I also do not remember them telling me not to say anything, there was immediate shame and the idea that this was not something I could talk to my parents about (they are a whole other story, substance abusers, emotionally abused me etc).
This then progressed on to more sexual activities, doctor and nurse type situations with groups of children, but also with my best friend at the time.. She and I went a lot further.. I remember feeling such guilt and not wanting to do it.. Being disgusted by my friend. But then another part of me wanting to do it.. At the start.. But after a while I really had had enough and my friend kept on wanting to do it.. I remember the break through was when I was 13, went on holiday for the summer and kissed a boy for the first time. I came back and told her I was not going to do it any more. She got very annoyed at me I remember and claimed afterwards that it was her that had stopped the whole thing.. Which I know for a fact is not true. She had always been the dominant one and the boss, but I remember ending it all. We at that exact same time were starting in different secondary schools (high schools in US). So we grew apart, very rapidly.
In those years that all that was going on, what also was happening was that we were calling sex telephone lines, which were free for females and men had to pay a huge sum.. This was done again with the same group of people we did the “doctor and nurse” games with (a few girls whom were in the same class as us and looking back on it we all came from strange families..) This to me was also very traumatising. These men must’ve heard by our voices that we were only kids.. Yet they went on to say such sexually explicit things.. We did this a lot for years too. After a while I would even do it on my own, if my parents were out. The weirdest and most f***** up thing about all that, is that a one of the girls (not my best friend, but her mother is friends with my best friends parents), she allowed us to call these sex lines and her daughter even had an “account/job” with the sex line, so she would earn money for all the conversations she had with these men.. This of course is absolutely crazy, looking back at it as an adult, how could a mother allow her daughter to so such a thing!?! It also made the whole thing way more confusing, as the adult who did know about it permitted it and even encouraged it… Strange thing is that that same woman used to help out a lot at school, as a volunteer.. There are all sorts of thoughts I have had since.. That perhaps she and my best friends father abused their children (that is what I was told is a common thing, in therapy).. My best friends father also works with children in another school for children with limitations (won’t tell any more, for fear of loss of anonymity). I also remember him being very odd and on one occasion even showing his (i think erect) penis, “accidentally” when I was staying over there and he was in his dressing gown.. I think he may have abused my friend or her sister.. Although I am not entirely sure about that either… But why would both of the sisters have been so sexually active at such a young age (must’ve started when I was about 8/9 or so)..
I do remember also when I was in another place, away from the town I grew up, that I tried some “things” with a few kids I hung out with whom where friends with my parents.. I don’t remember ever forcing any other child, but I do remember initiating it and one friend of mine (most of these people I still at least vaguely know in adulthood too) told me she did feel very uncomfortable with what had happened.. So to find your blog, with the stories of people is really good. It makes me realise it is not all so black and white though.. I guess that one adult must’ve started somewhere, to have started this sexual behaviour between us all, it does seem like the most reasonable explanation for it all.. But I am not sure who, if any of the children were abused.. My old best friends seems to think not (I heard from her sister), her sister is not quite as sure, but definitly hates her childhood. The girl who called sex lines with permission from her mother, never really thought about it as an adult.. (we talked about it a few years ago), so it seems that I am the one with the bruises, although I think they also must’ve been bruised by this all, but have not yet faced up to it?? Or am I just making a big deal out of nothing? I feel a mixture of things, mainly for years I felt guilt and dirty about myself. I suppose I do feel guilt for initiating with other children, but I do not blame myself nor do I blame the children who did it to me.. We were after all, just children. I just sadened that we had to go through that and had to lose our innocence so young.
Sorry for my long rant, it was something I needed to talk about I guess. I have but trigger at the top of my email, as I know it is quite explicit. Hope I do not offend or hurt anyone by my post. I understand if it does not get posted. But it would be nice to get other peoples (gentle) take on this situation I went through.
Thanks for listening and any feedback would be welcome. And thanks for all your stories and for confirming that what happened then is not just nothing. It carried with me, I still have flashbacks, I still have never told my parents.. It still haunts me.. And I am already in my 30s…
I am so glad I have found a blog that I feel i can comment on . Im a mum to 3 boys 3, 10 and just 12.we have just come back from a holiday to see relatives. On the last day we found out that my 12 year old had innapropriatley touched my partners neice (we are not yet married and my two older boys are not his!) She is 5.This has torn my world apart and also the world of my partner. I have called all the appropriate services that I need to, to get help and advice for myself and my son. This has never happened before…. I have been told that at his age there is a lot of testosterone and hormones, and also a lot of daring and talk at school with mates….. He has told me that he put his finger inside her…that he did it because everyone is always talking about it at school and asking him if he has done this that and the other..and he wanted to know what it felt like…I have also been told that this type of “Experimenting and curiosity” happens alot within family’s but doesnt always get found out about.I am NOT in any way defending what my son has done, I am going through hell….My heart is broken. My son is a good boy, kind… not naughty at school….He has good manners, A bit quiet, has been bullied at school and doesnt make friends easily, but I am hoping i have taken the right steps. My family has been ripped apart by this awful act of stupidity…. My partners family will never want to come over and see us because of my son and the knock on effects have been huge….We have all lost trust in him. He knows how wrong he has been and is truly sorry and mortified that he has hurt so many people by being so stupid.Can you give me any advice? x
this is just so i can follow this post, as i didn’t tick the box first time. thanks faith
Sorry to comment on such an old post, but I felt like I had to say something.
Thank you so much for this post. I’m having a rough time, and everything I could find seemed to be for the parents of the child who “harmed” another child. Each article seemed to downplay the affect on the other child. Intellectually I can understand, you don’t want to label your child an offender, but emotionally, it was invalidating.
Your quote about staying out of the abuser’s head really stuck with me. For years I told myself that I couldn’t be mad/hurt because she was a child too and must have been abused. Sometime’s I even wished she had been just a few years older, that way at least I could be angry, could acknowledge that I was hurting. Because of course you magically become a fully functioning adult on the eve of your 18th birthday, knowing better and completely responsible for your actions. Children just can’t control themselves (never-mind the fact that I never have and never would hurt anyone like that, child or otherwise). And adult rapists never have mental illnesses, or are working out abuse, or are anything less than fully functioning sociopaths right? sorry I’m just being bitter.
Your comment, and the post as a whole really did help though. It got me to take a hard and honest look at my feelings. I realized that there’s still a lot of hurt and anger that I don’t think I’ve really dealt with. It really gave me hope that things could change, that I’m not abnormal.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart,
Katherine
I’m very confused, I hope you can help. When I was 9 my friend came over and she ended up forcing me to do “stuff” with her. This went on for 5 years as well as her repeatedly beating me up, shunning me and verbally abusing me. Now I have trust problems as well phobias of being touched in certain places such as chest and stomach. How can I accept what happened and get past it? Please reply:(
Hi, Jess.
Accepting what happened is a choice, and it is not an easy one. The “Survivor to Thriver” manual is a wonderful resource:
http://www.lulu.com/shop/morris-center/survivor-to-thriver-manual/paperback/product-588019.html;jsessionid=5D5A752C672CC0D7BA3497D64AA8152B
I also suggest finding a qualified therapist with experience working with child abuse survivors.
~ Faith