I have been traveling and have not been able to tend to my blog. If you posted a comment that is not appearing yet, this would be why. I will try to catch up in the next couple of days.
Yesterday, we got on the topic of child abuse in my Sunday School class. We read a Bible verse about the Israelites “throwing their sons and daughters on the fire” (child sacrifice), and someone made a comment about this no longer happening today. Of course, I climbed up on my soapbox and talked about the many ways that children are still being sacrificed in our society – through child pornography, turning a blind eye to suspected abuse, etc. I talked about it being everyone’s responsibility to intervene on behalf of children. I then quoted the statistics – that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 5 to 7 men are sexually abused by age 18. (I didn’t have the statistics for all forms of abuse, but including physical and emotional abuse would obviously increase these numbers.)
One father of two children (ages 13 and 10) was floored by the statistics and quite freaked out. I reassured him about how their best protection was growing up in a loving and safe home, which he is already providing. Then, he asked an interesting question that I would like to explore here – If such a high percentage of the population has been abused, then why don’t child abuse survivors have a stronger public voice? He pointed out that, even if 1/10 of those who had been abused spoke out, it would make for a powerful advocacy group that the rest of society could not ignore.
I don’t have a clear-cut answer to his question, but my first instinct is that the culprit is shame. As long as a person feels shame for being abused, he is much less likely to announce publicly that he has been abused and speak out about what society needs to do to stop the abuse. I think another culprit is that a large percentage of child abuse survivors have not worked through the healing process. Many live their lives pretending like it did not happen and/or using various coping strategies to avoid facing the healing process. Then, they heap on the shame of the coping mechanism, believing that nobody will listen to “an alcoholic,” “a cutter,” “an anorexic,” etc.
This man makes a good point – we have the numbers to change society. If enough of us spoke out about our own histories, we could change public misconceptions such as the widespread misconception that repressed memories mean that the abuse didn’t happen or that all abused children just grow up to abuse others. (Please know that I do not intend this blog entry to be a guilt trip for any child abuse survivor to speak out before he or she is ready to do so. I could not have done it a few years ago, and I know how hard I worked to reach a place where I could.)
I think the other hurdle is public resistance to hearing our stories. Most people can handle hearing about my “mainstream” abuse, but they turn into skeptics if I discuss any of the less talked about abuses, such as ritual abuse or animal rape. “Good” people don’t want to believe that this level of evil and depravity exists in the world. (I only wish I had that luxury!) It takes someone who has worked through the healing process and is very confident in his or her own truths to fight through that resistance. I believe only a very small percentage of child abuse survivors have healed enough from the less talked about types of child abuse to have reached a place that they feel confident enough to take on societal denial like that. I have done it – I still get shaky when facing a roomful of people who don’t want to believe that child abuse can be that twisted.
What are your thoughts on this? There is no question that we have the numbers to change society’s perception of child abuse and fight back, but we are not yet making much of a wave in society at large. Why do you think that is? How can we change this?
Photo credit: Hekatekris
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Deborah Davidson and Deborah Davidson, Anastasia M. Ashman. Anastasia M. Ashman said: heavy duty reality: child sacrifice still happens says @FaithLotus http://bit.ly/bVuBSi [...]
Great post Faith.
The shame is a huge one, as are the varying levels of denial and confusion for those that have dissociated to the point of not remembering are in the process of remembering. These alone are HUGE and unmeasurable variables, but there is also another biggie and that is fear. I think that so many abusers threaten children they abuse with hurting or killing them or people they love if they EVER tell, that the thought of going public is terrifying to them. That is why so many women stay in abusive relationships with husbands they want to leave.
I think when the fear is introduced at such an early point in a child’s development, that the fear stays frozen in that person as though they were still at that age and the fear is too big. I read once that humans’ emotional maturation process gets stuck and even in some ways stops at the age we begin to get abused… so many grown ups are feeling the fear and defeat of a child who has no resources and is threatened by someone either much bigger or (for those abused by other children) another “groomed” child who may pass those same things in a different way.
With all these insidious types of obstacles, it seems like the only way to really get people to talk about it is to somehow lift the stigma and shame associated with it. The only way to really do that is to do exactly what you are doing Faith. Right here on this blog. Then maybe at some point you can coordinate with other blogs and I Survive and other supporting groups and flush this idea out further. Maybe there could be a child abuse awareness day where schools and churches and parents talk to children about what abuse is and what they can do to protect themselves if it is happening to them or one of their friends…. Try to empower them in some way and let them know that there are grown ups who will listen…
Wow, I think once this idea is brainstormed for a while lots of great ideas will bubble up! I feel like I can think of tons of ideas about what could be done, so I can’t imagine what really creative people can come up with! It will be interesting to read the comments to this post.
If you decide to move forward with trying to organize and speak out in a larger forum, you are welcome to email me anytime. I’m happy to brainstorm with you and help in any way to make it happen.
Peace,
mia
Yes, shame makes the silence. Sadly, it is more than just the shame of the original abuse that seals the deal. And it’s enough to make a person too ashamed, tired and despairing to speak AT ALL about anything ever.
http://etherealhighway.blogspot.com/2009/09/shame-manifesto.html
Your gut reaction – that shame is the cuplrit – is exactly what mine was. Those of us who know what happened feel that somehow we must have brought it on ourselves. Admitting that people devalued us so much seems like admitting we had no value.
I believe there are many reasons for this – one being that our abusers did not own what they were doing and therefore pushed that ownership on the abused child. Another reason this happens, however, is society’s fault.
People want to feel safe.
If something bad is happening to someone else, it is natural for us to look at the reasons this is happening to “them”. Finding the reason feels like protection – if I don’t do what “they” did, then that won’t happen to me.
When there is no obvious reason, people feel safer blaming the victim. If the child was abused because of some innate flaw, and I don’t have that flaw, then this is abuse is not going to happen to me.
This kind of attitude is present in any difficult or dangerous situation. For instance, when we see a car accident on the road, what are our first thoughts? Perhaps: “They must have been going too fast” or “someone wasn’t paying attention.” By assuming those involved in the accident were at fault we feel more assured that we are not going to get into an accident.
Another example is when I became very ill as a child, my father told me it was my fault. Obviously, I hadn’t been eating my veggies, or I had not buttoned my coat when I was outside and had caught a chill… these thoughts made him feel safe as long as he ate and dressed properly.
So, yes, I believe our own voices are often quieted because we blame ourselves, but that shame is only half the answer. The other half is that society does not want to hear it. That man in your post with two adolescent children was horrified by the statistics – as he should be – but even his asking “if this is true why isn’t there a stronger public voice” was part of his self-protection mode. To me, it seems as if he was saying two things with that statement. One, that if this were actually true it would be more known (so it may not be true), and two, that if people spoke up more about it, it would not have happened (so it is partially the victims who are to blame for not speaking up.)
Certainly blogs like yours and mine are working hard to counter that line of thinking.
The shame is enormous, but I also think that society at large so wants to believe that abuse can’t be so hurtful that unless you are very severely abused, it “doesn’t matter” and that you should “move on.” The general population doesn’t, for the most part, think that siblings or spouses can be abusive, but they are.
What I always find missing in any discussion of abuse is the number of abusers there are. Society still wants to believe abusers are rare. They need to believe that.
Most abusers are not serial abusers like pedophile priests.
So when you are speaking up you are often speaking to abusers.
Wow! You know, that’s probably true… I never thought about that angle. interesting. And spooky.
so so true!! One has to be very discerning about who to talk to about abuse, especially about one´s own experience. It makes me sick knowing how many people are out there fully knowing about abuse because they are the perpetrators. Its also a very disturbing thought, So when we speak out its best to keep in mind that there a lot more abusers than we might be aware of and be (mentally )prepared.
And Thanx Michael for bringing this up!! I always thought that Im a bit paranoid for thinking this :´)
For me, it’s about putting on a strong front. The people that know me generally think of me as bullheaded and strong. I stand by what I say, I keep the promises I make to others and I don’t generally let anyone push me around.
In my mind, I perceive that others think that people who were abused are weak, because they allowed it. *I* know this is a lie, but I can’t know that other people in my life know it’s a lie.
I’m afraid that if I suddenly came out to my friends or family that I was abused as a child… Let me rephrase, that I _let_ someone abuse me as a child. I have the insane fear that what they’ll hear is “she’s not that strong after all”, “how did this woman allow this to happen to her”, “why didn’t you say anything before,”, bla bla bla.
I’m _not_ that strong, but I can’t allow myself to appear to be weak. If everyone thinks I’m strong, I feel strong.
I’m not sure I’ll ever be through with believing that it wasn’t my fault. If I happen to tell the wrong person, and they ask me the wrong question…
Hi Faith,
Well first I would agree that what is most important is that the survivor has to have healed enough.
Because second, I dont think people want to hear it. I think people look for the differences between themselves and the survivor and their situation. I think they dont want to believe it could happen, so they will rip you apart, call you a liar, or just weak, deny that it could have happened. Say it was the therapist who made you say it. It would take a confident, healed survivor who has established a postitive reputation in their community to be heard.
So I guess being willing to trust and go into therapy, or self help group, woudl be the first step.
Actually going through the healing process, the second (which includes multiple levels of healing, yes? which takes time)
Then maybe form a group of thriving survivors who would be willing to take on the public task of education and community outreach and service… (yeesh, yuck, not for me no way!).
Hi Palucci,
I was going to send you an email, and here you are!
Good to see you! As always, enjoyed reading your response.
Peace,
mia
you too mia. I read yours after I posted and I thought you made a lot of good points. You seem like you are a very strong person.
(((Mia)))
My name is Billy Foote, I am 62 years old
I just published a book, ” The Child Convict “, telling of my abuse as a child and the effect it had on my life!
It takes a lot of healing to be able to stand up to the invalidation that comes when we speak up. Survivors need to band together more and validate each other I think before that can change. We need to have one another’s backs when we do speak up. I speak up, but I’ve had lots of time to get strong enough to do it, and I don’t everywhere.
[...] Why Don’t Child Abuse Survivors Have a Strong Public Voice? « Blooming Lotus [...]
Yes, I think shame, and also the desire to move on from abuse… Like once someone has “recovered”, they spend all their time living their lives… Or if someone is “not recovered” they spend their time self-destructing.
Great post, Faith…and as always, insightful and intelligent comments from your readers. This post brings up so many thoughts for me….
First of all, high fives for speaking out and educating your Sunday school class…well done! You’ve spoken into the lives of those people and hopefully, changed some perceptions…letting your little light shine, as the Sunday school song says.
I’m in my mid-fifties and have seen a slow shift of perception going on regarding child abuse…but there has also been much resistance and backlash. The publication of The Courage to Heal was groundbreaking; imperfect as it was, that book put the truth out there and resources into survivor’s hands. We also had the amazing Alice Miller in our corner, who was an untiring and outspoken advocate for abused children: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alice_Miller_(psychologist)
I also think of the courage of Marilyn Van Derber (Miss America 1958) who later used that platform to speak out for incest survivors, at great cost to her personal reputation. As a result of her history of sexual abuse by her father, she founded the American Coalition for Abuse Awareness and One Voice and authored “Miss America By Day: Lessons Learned from Ultimate Betrayals and Unconditional Love”
Another unsung hero is Jennifer Freyd, editor of the The Journal of Trauma and Dissociation, author of the book Betrayal Trauma: The Logic of Forgetting Childhood Abuse. (excellent book, well worth reading). Ms. Freyd is a professor of psychology at the University of Oregon.
Her parents are the founders of the *False Memory Syndrome Foundation.* Reading Jennifer’s story, and learning more about her parent’s total lack of credibility, helped me to understand the underpinnings of this totally bogus group and their *theory* which is not endorsed by any legitimate scientist. It is very suspicious that the board of the FMSF reads like a who’s who of CIA consultants, lending belief to the theory that the group has strong ties to those involved in the government projects, such as MK-Ultra.
We have a long way to go in raising awareness, but there are big and little lights of truth in the darkness. This blog is a light in the darkness too.
(getting off my soapbox now, I feel pretty passionate about this.)
Hi Shen!♥
I believe that shame, fear, and guilt all play a role in keeping abuse victims from speaking out. I mean really, all of the horrific things that happened to me–who would believe me? I sometimes don’t believe it myself, and continue to try to rationalize it, and make ‘sense’ of it.
Even Faith, who has spoken out, does so ‘in hiding,’ as does a lot of survivors that do speak up. So, obviously there is a lot of fear of what will happen if people know, and wondering if they will see you differently.
Hi, Theresa.
I do share generalities about my history (that I was abused) in my offline life, such as with my Sunday School class, but you are correct that only a trusted few know the whole story under my real name. I write under a pen name to protect both my son and myself. I don’t want any perverts going after my kid. I also don’t want any cult members coming after me to shut me up.
I have had multiple people ask me to write a book about my experiences and healing, but my number one reluctance is my identity.
- Faith
This is a great post, Faith.
I tried to talk to my sister ( once ) about the five men in my life
who abused me, and her response was to put her hand over her ears
and telling me she couldn’t cope as she would want to hurt them.
So, what did I do? I silenced my voice.
Also on the flip side of this coin, I know someone who is a pathological liar and has been since childhood. They said they had been abused and now, we don’t really believe it ever happened. The same person is now saying they have serious mental health problems, and I believe this is a pack of lies too, just to garner the attention they crave.
Silent. Non silent.
I really don’t know which is best.
Life screws us all up, I guess.
x
Society blames the victim so often or forces them to prove thier innocense in court it is a wonder anyone comes forward. I think for me it is because “normal” people know that s@x with a stranger or doing things with a stranger = promescuity/being dirty, we know that in the back of our mind and it shades our ability to comprehend and express what has happened/been forced on us as “normal people. If that makes sense, it ultimately ends in shame. I was 44 before I could tell my parents what had happened to me and I still think/feel they look at me differently now.
This is such a hard topic. I have been pushing myself to speak out more about what happened to me since the book I co-wrote, The Thursday Group; A Story and Information For Girls Healing From Sexual Abuse by PeggyEllen Kleinleder and Kimber Evensen, came out about a year ago. The book is not about me, but a lot of the characters’ feelings are based on my lonely ruminations as a child. It is part fiction and part non-fiction, with lots of information for survivors. This spring I gave a talk at the Children’s Advocacy Center in my home town, talking about what had happened to me as an eleven year old, from the perspective of myself as an adult. I walked back and forth at the front of the room, making it really clear when I was talking about the past, and then moving to the other side of the room to comment about it from my adult point of view. It really helped me to do it that way, so I could stay grounded and clear about then and now. It was a supportive audience with family and friends there, and people working to help child abuse victims, but also members of the public. The whole thing was scary and healing for me. I would like to have more opportunities to tell my story that way, but haven’t figured out how yet. Thank you everyone for writing about this topic! PeggyEllen http://thursdaygroupbook.blogspot.com/