On my blog entry entitled My Story: Integrating from Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), a reader posted the following comment:
My children do not want to know anything about this disorder I have [DID]. They don’t want to know. Is that good or bad? ~ Audrey
I don’t know if we can label your children’s reaction as “good” or “bad.” It simply “is.”
Unfortunately, many people simply do not seem to be able to handle dealing with big issues such as DID. Does that make them bad people? No. However, it also does not make them people that we can lean upon as we heal from the very serious issues surrounding DID.
A person does not develop DID unless he or she endured severe and ongoing trauma beginning before the age of six. In most cases, the cause of the severe and ongoing trauma was child abuse. Too many people don’t want to hear about children that young enduring severe and ongoing child abuse. I, personally, do not understand this, but I have learned that most people simply are not like me in this respect.
One friend told me that it was very hard to hear my story (both about the DID and the child abuse that caused it) because, if she hears and has to believe it, then she must accept that this level of evil exists in the world. I assured her that it was much harder living through it as a little kid than it is to hear about it as an adult. Nevertheless, she is not one of my “go to” people because, for whatever reason, she cannot handle it.
My therapist repeatedly tried to get me to bring my husband into my healing process. I knew it was useless, but I followed my therapist’s advice on this twice, and both times were disasters. (I stopped trying after that.) My husband is simply not in a place where he can hear about the abuses that I have suffered, and I didn’t even try to get into my diagnosis with him. I recognize that the issue is his own limitations, not something that is “wrong” with me.
Fortunately, there are people out there who can handle hearing about severe child abuse and DID. Those people can be true gems in supporting you along your healing journey. I am fortunate enough to have a couple of off-line friends who can handle it, and I have received a lot of support online through Isurvive (a message board for child abuse survivors) as well as through my blog.
I would not recommend trying to “force” a loved one to understand your history and diagnosis. If you have to “force” someone to “get it,” that person is not going to be very helpful through your healing process. Appreciate what those people do bring to your life (they have their place in your life, too), but save the deep discussions for those who can handle it. Their reaction is not a rejection of you – it is a result of their own limitations.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
My relationship with my children is different than all others. I do not discuss much about my healing with them. They know I am working hard. I give them support that is our relationship and how I want it.
With the rest of the world I am now comfortable with who and what I tell. Trying as best I can not to sell anyone short, to be open to that surprise when I find I have misjudged someone.
I spend very little time with those who can not hear me and want to be heard and don’t spend as much time wondering why.
A new thing for me is I do not listen to others problems as much. I have stopped being the world’s therapist. I give the fact that someone had to take their tire back three times to be fixed the attention it deserves.
I now understand that many people do not handle things that are complex. PTSD/DID is very complex. I do not care anymore if it is a choice or lack of ability.
I have found I am an easy person to burden. I really do care. That is not OK anymore. I have through out my life heard others story, If they do not want me to share than I do not want to listen.
I discovered this the other day. People will get me alone and tell me their troubles. Then they will tell me not to tell. Then they will in a way ostracize me so they can separate themselves from their troubles. In a way giving me their troubles so they can not have to deal with them with other people.
I am very wary about people who want me to solve their problems rather than help them solve their problems. I am quicker to pick up when the relationship will be one way. I stay away from relationships where there is constant effort not to be taken advantage of.
I worry some about burdening my therapist. All I can give her is to heal.
Michael,
you make some incredibly valuable points, I like how you’ve come to a place of being able to set your own boundaries with people…..I’m only now learning to do that.
I especially relate to how you feel about burdening your therapist….vicarious trauma is a very real factor for therapist listening to the trauma of our lives. Your gift to her of healing is such a wonderful outlook, I am going to adopt that same idea for my therapist, thank you,
barbi
Wow, I never realized it before, but the aspect of “don’t tell” when it comes to keeping secrets for people is very similar to the feeling of not telling about the abuse…. I always feel heavy and triggered when someone asks me “not to tell anyone, even my husband”. I’ve stopped agreeing to that one, but there are still times I feel trapped or sucked into keeping a confidence which feels very heavy to me. The “giving” of the problems to another person, is very real and something I never would have thought of. Thanks Michael.
mia
Thank you Faith for addressing this issue….this is truly relevant to all of us on the healing journey.
I’ve discovered like you that there are people who can handle the information and people who cannot. Sometimes, the people who cannot handle it don’t say anything and then I find that they just don’t come around me much anymore. I’m trying to learn to just let that be and allow them that space…..like you said, there are others who are better suited to being “go to” people about PTSD/DID….sometimes it takes a while to discover who those people are.
Something I’m discovering is that the longer it takes for me to heal, there are fewer and fewer people who can truly handle this for the long haul….so when I find someone who can I try to value them highly, they are special indeed.
barbi
Hi Faith,
of all people I struggle with why my in-laws , especially my father-in-law, can’t cope with this. I’m cleaning up the mess they allowed to happen essentially, but my wife won’t entrust the DID with them because they never really showed interest in her.
But I’m not sure my family is much better. They don’t seem to know how to be kind and supportive to people who have been severely traumatized. Fortunately my uncle who lives in town and his 3 adult children (and spouses) have all been much more supportive.
It’s so frustrating to me.
Sam
When Family and Friends Don?t Want to Understand DID…
I found your entry interesting do I’ve added a Trackback to it on my weblog
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Faith,
Thanks for writing about this issue. I really struggle with this because there are people that I want so badly to understand but they just don’t. And then there are other people in my life that are willing to listen but I don’t know if I want them to know. It’s all very hard and confusing to figure out but I’m glad that you talked about not everybody being in a place to accept the fact or be able to understand that there was severe trauma in my life. It helps me to realize that some people can never be in that place to hear it.
-Bee