One common aftereffect of child abuse is having an “all or nothing” mentality. I do not know why child abuse causes this aftereffect, but there is no question that I struggle with this myself and see this thinking in my offline friends who were abused as children.
Here is a recent example of mine … I always dreamed of volunteering in my child’s classroom. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, I was one of the head PTA (Parent-Teacher Association) leaders at my kid’s school. I was spending over 10 hours a week (and sometimes much more) doing volunteer work for my son’s school.
While there is nothing wrong with being a PTA volunteer, everything in life needs to happen in moderation. I think we can agree that devoting that much time as a volunteer is hardly “moderation.”
So, when we transferred my son to a private school in March for his special needs (ADHD and learning disabilities), I decided not to volunteer at his school at all. The only thing that got me off the out-of-control volunteer merry-go-round was transferring schools, and I was not going to hop back on again. So, I did nothing whatsoever with my son’s new school for the rest of the school year.
School has just started back, and the PFA (Parent-Faculty Association) sent out a request for volunteers as part of the back-to-school package. One need they have listed is processing the Box Tops for Education (BTFE), which one of my good friends has done for years. The job involves sorting through the Box Tops that have been submitted, throwing away the expired ones, and placing the rest in groups of 50 to send in to the BTFE two or three times a year. My friend says that it takes her four hours for each shipment (for a much larger school), which boils down to 12 hours a year.
I have an interest in doing this because I love the idea of a school earning money for what is essentially garbage (cutouts from used boxes). My friend’s school earned over $1,200 in one year! However, just the thought of volunteering for this one assignment triggered me, kicking off intense anxiety. I really wrestled with why this was bothering me so much, and then it hit me … I still have not learned that my choice to volunteer in a school is not an “all or nothing” commitment. Because of my past experiences volunteering with a school, churches, etc., I believe that taking on a 12-hour-a-year task is the same thing as a 12-hour-a-week commitment, and that simply is not true. So, I have decided to volunteer for this job in large part to “force” myself to break out of this “all or nothing” mentality.
I am not going into this naïvely. I am painfully aware of my own history of saying yes to more responsibilities when I should be saying no. I am also well aware of how those in charge of PTA’s zero in on anyone willing to help out. So, my response for any further volunteer requests will be, “I am sorry, but I am already coordinating the Box Tops for the school.”
As silly as it sounds, I am nervous about taking this step. My history tells me that I cannot handle moderation, but my healing spirit tells me that I can do anything with my life that I want to do. I don’t want to feel like I cannot ever do anything “a little bit” because then I will miss out on many wonderful opportunities that I only want “a little bit” of. Wish me luck!
Good luck Faith! You can do it!
I have this same issue, and i think mine comes from having a hard time with the word NO, or not being the “pleaser” person. Since I have a hard time saying no, I avoid situations where I’d want/need to.
I totally get being triggered by this too. With my family, you couldn’t have your own life or help out “a little” . It was all or nothing. You were all in, or all out. (If you’re not with me, you’re against me) kind of thing. I found that if I was going out, someone would have a grocery list for me to take… then I would be picking up my nephews too, and picking up the dry cleaning, going to the post office and the hardware store too. It was just never enough, to the point where you didn’t even want to go out and do the simple thing you were going to do in the first place! (Like go to school!)
Ok, I rambled for a bit, but it did help me to put some things in order about this. Thanks Faith! You’ll do great with the box tops.
mia
I see myself….
What I’ve learned thru therapy, tho, is that some of the black/white, all/nothing thinking is because I haven’t been taught boundaries, i.e. I can’t say “no” because I was never allowed to choose, never allowed to say “no”. I have done the same thing with my child’s school. Good luck with the box tops, I think it would be great fun!
Ok I see that in myself also.
First I must research what is known about how abuse causes my all or nothing approach. Then I must go through all my memories and find out how this applies to me. Then I need to write about it. Then I need to talk it over with my therapist. Then I need to come up with a plan to cope with this at first and then eliminate it. Smirk.
Or in the alternative I could go with there is a difference between being not responsible and irresponsible.
Yeah…I did the school too-much-volunteer-thing at school last year, and I’ve sworn never to do it again. I’ve also sworn off the I-know-you’re-going-through-a-tough-time-so-I’ll-watch-your-kids-anytime-thing, and the I’m-sorry-you-feel-bad-you-can-call-me-anytime-day-or-night-thing.
I also tried to be nice and polite with the people involved when stopping, but it was seen as an insult each time. I’m not sure what I did wrong. I felt that I was being used and manipulated in each situation. Now I can’t even look certain people in the eye. We are working on this in therapy, though.
Lisa
I forgot to wish you luck!
I do the same thing. I always have to ask myself do I want to do this or do I feel like I should, just because I can. The other difficult part for me is once I am “working” is to let go of my perfectionism and over-functioning. Sometimes, my just okay is more than enough…difficult lessons to learn and live by…Hang in there!!
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wishing you luck!
barbi
WOW!!! Can I relate to this?! I have done the same thing in terms of volunteering at school and other organizations. I invariably end up leading something or becoming the chair, the head or the coordinator. Only to go to the other extreme where I don’t even want to leave my house. The stories I could tell! I am so black and white that I don’t even know what gray LOOKS LIKE! Thanks for this post and congratulations on taking the step!
A person who was raised by parents who were dominate and yet respectful has a nice sense of balance in their life. Just like a Yin Yang symbol. The Yin is submissive, but if allowed to maintain some Yang (predominance), there is balance.
If the parent was dominate in a disrespectful way, and did not allow the child to have self-respect, this sense of balance is damaged. Imagine removing the small circles of opposite colors from the Yin Yang symbol. The balance is lost.
If someone has a damaged internal sense of balance, it is difficult to be balanced in all things, hence the all or nothing.