I just finished reading Diana Gabaldon’s excellent book, Outlander. One part of the book I did not see coming was a graphic man-on-man rape scene near the end. The victim agreed not to fight off a man’s homosexual advances in return for the man letting the victim’s wife go free. The victim shared his story later with his wife, and the details got me thinking about the topic of intermixing “pleasure” and pain in abuse.
Let me explain what I mean by this … In the story, the rapist would fondle his victim and be almost “kind.” Then, when the victim started to relax, the rapist would be extremely cruel. He would beat his victim, soothe the wounds, and then aggravate the wounds. If this did a number on the adult’s head in this book, you can imagine what this dynamic does to a child. Child abuse survivors of this form of abuse have shared their stories with me, and it sounds like one huge mind f@#$.
The intermixing of “pleasure” and pain as part of the child abuse is very emotionally damaging to a child. This is doubly true when the only “kindness” that a child is shown is as part of this sick “game.” For example, it is completely normal and understandable for a child to crave loving touch, such as a back rub or a safe hug. When children are deprived of these basic physical acts communicating that they are loved, then they will understandably have a part of themselves that desire this loving touch. Some abusers know this and bring that into the child abuse, giving the child what he needs, only to follow it up with pain. It is a sick “game” that really messes with the child’s head.
I cannot describe the anguish I have heard in the stories of those who experienced this form of abuse. The gentle touch feels good and can even stimulate a sexual response (which also happened in the story) despite the fact that the victim does not want the contact. The body responds to the gentleness of the touch, despite the child’s spirit screaming inside, and then the body experiences the pain tenfold when the “pleasure” is followed by pain. This is a very cruel and sick form of abuse that many people have suffered.
Like all forms of abuse, you can heal from this. I hope it helps to hear that you are not alone in having suffered from this form of abuse.
Photo credit: Amazon.com
If you tell any court appointment worker about sexual abuse and you lose custody to your abuser, then you know that your CPS worker or Lawyer or Law Guardian involved in child trafficking Rings. They will bribe the courts to give custody to the batterer and then use the children for their child trafficking rings.
Sadly, sometimes the only enemy is the law of evidence. I know of a boy whose mother requested and approved guardianship by friends of the family. She hasn’t lost her rights. She should. She probably never will. Six months after the child relocated, the boy started revealing memories of abuse. He could not provide adequate detail to substantiate his allegations. No matter, she’s living in another country who does not have a cooperative agreement with the US. At one point, a US child services worker tracked down the parallel agency in the other country to at least check on the safety of some kids still in the home. Their investigation – “Did you abuse your kids?” They answered, “No, we don’t like kids crying.” That’s it. Case closed.
I have long been a fan of the Outlander series. (There’s something like seven novels, now, plus a spin-off series of novels, and a “companion” book.) However, I have noticed that there is a rape featured in nearly every book! It makes me wonder if the author was herself sexually assaulted at some point in her life. Something similar happened to me. I had a large number of characters that I’d created for online role-playing games, and one day I was reviewing the histories that I’d written for each of these characters and made the startling realization that out of fifteen women, eleven of them had been raped at some point in their past. That, more than anything, made me wonder if something “bad” really had happened to me, back before I’d recovered any memories.
That’s another story, too, about the online role-playing. I enjoyed it because it allowed different alters to come out and create their own lives, to live, to love, to marry and have kids, all within the confines of the game. It gave them a freedom they didn’t have trapped in my body, so to speak. In fact, I became addicted and eventually had to stop altogether, because I was neglecting my real life in favor of the game. While involved in these games, I befriended a young man who one day confided in me that he had multiple personalities. And what’s more, he knew for a fact that several others in the game were multiple. It’s what allowed them to be such excellent role-players, because their alters could assume the character identities completely.
Geez. It sounds like there are hoards of sickos out there just thinking up more and more twisted ways to make kids suffer. This is gives me a pit in my stomach.
My abuser did this to me, and yes it is a total mind f&*k. Thank you for bringing it to light, as you have so many things on your blog. I had never really heard it talked about before. That contrast from human to beast is especially damaging. And that is what it felt like.
I always believed my abuser did this as a way of placing shame onto me as a way of silencing me…. It worked.
This brought tears to my eyes….
It is so true….
I also have the issue of mixing sexual feelings with fear. It is hard for me to separate the two. It is torturous!
Lothlorien
Being abused by anyone who has ever been loving is a mind f@#k. That is what keeps us silent before any threat can be uttered. Our minds can’t process the conflict. Experiencing any kind of physical pleasure when abused is a major mind f@#k and what I think makes sexual abuse especially traumatic.