On my blog entry entitled Is Anyone Else Struggling with This Time of Year?, which I wrote on October 8, 2009, a reader recently posted the following comment:
I wanted to respond to this post because this is a huge issue for me. I have been thinking about it a bit now because the holidays are coming up. I think I understand why they bother me so much and maybe it might be a bit of the same for you.
A few years ago I stopped going home for the holidays for obvious reasons. At first it was a huge relief to not have to go to my parents and pretend we are the perfect family. But very quickly the depression and sadness came back. And now the holidays are a HUGE trigger (starting now but getting worse around Halloween). It is because the not being with my family makes me think about all of the reasons I am not home with my family. Consciously or sub-consciously I am reminded of all of the reasons that I do not have the same family holiday as many people I know. Even if I have a boyfriend or friends to share these times with, there are still the constant questions from people about whether or not I am going home for the holidays, ect. My escape from my family is no escape when there are constant perfect family references everywhere. I think for 3 months before Christmas I am a freaking mess.
The freedom of not being with my family is an instant trigger of all of the memories of the things that are the very reason I am not with my family during the holidays- talk about a double edged sword!
I think we are all a bit screwed- putting ourselves around the people who hurt us is obviously hurtful. But choosing to not be around them means we also can’t escape and pretend that all of the reasons we can’t be around them don’t exist since and the holidays are pretty much a 24hr reminder of this.
Do you relate to this at all? ~ Tracy099
My response is yes – I do relate to this. I shared yesterday about getting triggered at the Halloween store over the weekend, and I am still not over it. All last week, life seemed easy and carefree. This long holiday weekend has been a real struggle. I am looking forward to having time alone in my house today (when hub goes back to work and child goes back to school) so I can focus on grounding myself.
I think Tracy makes a very astute observation. We protect ourselves by distancing ourselves from our abusive family, but the very act of distancing ourselves when society does nothing to talk about coming together throughout the holiday season is a constant reminder of the reasons why we are different.
I have done all that I can to ease this for myself. My sister and her children are the only family members that I stay in regular contact with, and they come to my house for the holidays. One the one hand, it is great because my son adores his cousins and I love seeing my sister. However, I am reminded of the family dysfunction whenever I see her (as I am sure is true for her as well), which makes it hard.
The holidays are definitely my Achilles heel, and it ticks me off because I have been doing so well lately. I don’t want to surrender three months of my life every year to holiday triggers (not including the Mother’s Day triggers at a different time of year). I want to reclaim this time and make it about something other than my history. I am not quite sure how to do that yet other than by upping my Xanax dosage.
Photo credit: Rosanne Mooney
I relate to Tracy’s question and comment, so much. It was as if she took the words out of my mouth. I’m a wreck from November through January every year; however, it is getting better. This week I even felt a wave of anxiety regarding the upcoming holidays. You are not alone.
I don’t know if this will help anyone, but what I have done is to re-frame my definition of the holidays. I no longer celebrate them for what I was taught they were because A) I don’t believe in them as an adult, so that part is meaningless anyway, B) I try my best to block out the hype… I know all it is, is just stores trying to sell sell sell and that MOST of us experience holiday stress, even the non abused people because tensions are high, and C) I create my own meanings for them to enjoy.
If you think about it, we celebrate Thanksgiving as Americans because we made peace with the Natives? That’s a crock, we’re still abusing and killing them. Ask anyone who lives on a res. (So mass denial there to say the least) I boycotted it for years till I had a child… now I have reframed it to be a celebration of all that we have to be thankful for in our lives rather than the original meaning. And we don’t have Turkey, we have started our own tradition of Veggie Encheladas for this occasion! Fun!
Christmas is pretty much the same. There is evidence that points to the fact that this could not have been Christ’s actual birthday and I am not Christian anyway. SO, we celebrate a more Pagan kind of winter Solstice kind of thing. We make things and have begun our own traditions so that we are part of what is going on collectively, but in a way that works for us. So that we can honor our truths and still have some peace of mind and even a little fun. I know it’s not a cure all, and it doesn’t necessarily happen over night, but it has worked for us.
Peace ya’ll., and good luck
m
I in no way mean to invalidate others experiences with triggers or times of year. This is what I understand about me. It is about making patterns where none exist which is a normal human activity. .
First there are not more babies born,more admittances to mental institutions, crimes commuted or arrests made during a full moon. It is a myth. This does not mean that the full moon does not have an effect just that the effects attributed to it do not exist.
Another myth is that there are more suicides at christmas or mid winter. The fact is that there are more suicides in the spring.
Arthritis does not act up when it rains.
I believe that the primitive mind/brain has its own memory and that this memory is somewhat overridden by the intellectual/emotional brain and that the primitive mind/brain is born with certain memory being innate. I believe that if a primitive brain/mind develops in childhood having to use its intellectual/emotional brain to override its instinct/memory this causes the brain to develop differently and causes complex post traumatic stress.
I become distressed at the change from summer to winter and winter to summer. There are enough events in my life that I can make up a pattern where none exists. The pattern is the change in temperature and light.
I can and have moved this distress by tricking my primitive brain. The longest was three years in sunny FL.
When I consider what the primitive brain does and what happens to it when experiencing trauma than it seems to make sense to me. Breathing, temperature regulation, sleep, water, food, safety, and procreation are the domain of the primitive brain.
So one might “think” that if I took care of the primitive brains domain than life would be good. I have done so and it always causes distress. The reason is my primitive mind has been stressed beyond its limits and was damaged and needs to heal. My primitive brain needs new experiences to heal.
I would have said before that resetting the clocks distressed me. What happens is the resetting the clocks makes me aware of the distress of my primitive brain.
I used to use the term reptilian brain I abandoned this as it does not include the Aves brain. (not going to use bird brain)
To be clear you will not be finding me answering the door on Halloween to anyone in a black, yellow, purple or red robe. I will find a way to be elsewhere. I am already trying to plan how to be somewhere else for christmas.
This may seem off topic to me it ties into Faith’s understanding of eating.
I concurr with Mia.
As a child and teen ager holidays were always angst filled. Even in the best of years our dysfunctional family was in hyperdrive during the holidays. I never liked the holidays, seemed to stir up more shame, more sadness, etc. etc. When I stopped denying the abuse and began healing, I stopped seeing parents, period. And slowly over the years weaned myself off Thanksgiving and Christmas. For many years I went to friends houses for Christmas. There was sadness and awkwardness about not going home. I resented people asking me, seeming judging me, for not being with family during the holidays. But as the years went by and I got tired of feeling deficient, I started reframing what the holidays mean and what I do during them. After several years running at Thanksgiving ending up in the emergency room due to either food poisioning or gall bladder attacks I deemed the traditional Thanksgiving meal a hazzard. Instead I embraced fasting on that day, and doing quiet contemplation for the blessings I have in my life. Christmas I do on my terms. I take one person or organization and apply my energies and money to assist them. I give cards to friends and family. Some years I give gifts, some years I don’t. Occasionally I get someone who resents not getting something expensive from me, but mostly others are relieved to not have to reciprocate anything more then a hug and a good cup o cocoa. We can empower ourselves about what the holidays mean to us. I’m not saying its easy to get through the shame, anger, regret, etc. of what past holidays have been and meant. But our future holidays, we have the power to make them less stressful, more meaningful, or just another day of the year. Be patient with yourselves. Do what helps you heal and feel safe.
i agree, and am freaking out already about this holiday time. my time with them was torture, my time without them is painful, I am alone; and in pain, and the reason is bc of the torture. its just so painful. i dont know what else to say.
I definitely relate to her comment and your post as well. This time of year, beginning pretty soon, I am a total mess. I usually end up disappearing for a couple of months and don’t recall any of it. I have no idea why I disappear…I haven’t had that memory come up yet, but I am always looking for answers.
In your post last year you wrote “I don’t like when I get this way. In fact, I was so angry about it last night that I begged myself to “enlighten me” about what the problem is. Do I have an alter part that is triggered by this time of year? If so, let’s heal that trauma so I can check it off my list and stop feeling I-N-S-A-N-E for three months out of every year. No dice. I fell asleep without getting anywhere.” I totally relate to this. I wish I could just find the answer…
I relate as well to the family, dysfunction, screwed up when with family and in pain without. Even at home with just my husband and kids (grown now) I feel deep angst around the celebrations. And I’ve kind of figured out its about unrealistic expectations…we dont look like, and never will be a “Hallmark family.”
**might be triggering***
But there is another reason the holidays are hard for me. Starting with yesterday, the group that had me and abused me from preverbal to age 16, had dark rituals, horrific things that were at their height from now through mid-jan. It seems even when the “normal” holiday stuff is mitigated, internally, it’s a gargantuan thing to deal with the internal terror of years of engrained fear. Am better than when I started working through this but it is still very hard to live “normal” life from now through Jan.
Is this uncommon?
Ruby
PS: Faith, your blog is a lifesaver for me!
Hi, Ruby.
I am glad that my blog is helping you.
I cannot speak to what is “common” or “uncommon,” but I am typically a wreck from October through the New Year. I keep trying different strategies to make it more manageable, but I still struggle.
- Faith