See my blog entry posted yesterday for the first part of this.
The other part of Midge’s horror seems to be the cybersex, which goes against the values of the host personality. Keep in mind that women have sexual needs that your host personality might not be fulfilling. My host personality was pretty passionless and boring in bed, but I had an alter part named Sassy who held a lot of my sexual passion. I invited her out one time for sex with my husband, and that was easily the most passionate encounter that we ever shared. My host personality could not relate to Sassy’s passion, but Sassy simply held an encapsulated part of my sexuality that I had been repressing.
Again, remember that these three alter parts who had cybersex with their boyfriends were monogamous with their chosen partners, which does sound consistent with who you are. One reason for cybersex could have been an outlet for your passion that is not otherwise being expressed. Another reason (depending upon the direction that the cybersex went) might have been a way to make sense of your sexuality since, as a child, your opportunity to explore your sexuality at your own pace was taken from you. Keep in mind that cybersex is a “safer” way to do this – it is only words on a screen (or possibly a video if you used that technology) rather than actual physical contact.
Rather than judge these parts for not complying with your host personality’s morals, invite these parts out and ask them what needs they have that are not being met. Then, work with them to meet those needs. Perhaps the time is coming to read a book like The Sexual Healing Journey to begin to explore your sexual needs that you have repressed.
Believe me – if I had discovered this about myself, my host personality would have been appalled as well. My host personality truly believed that I was a virgin until my husband, and that fact that we had intercourse three weeks before the wedding night convinced her that I was a complete slut who deserved never to enjoy sex for the rest of my life. (Never mind the fact that we had dated for 2-1/2 YEARS without having sex!)
Rejecting these parts of yourself, being angry with them, and/or hating them is counterproductive. They are a part of you, and they are just trying to get their needs met just as your host personality is. The fact that you still have a host personality tells me that you do not, as of yet, know your full story, so cut your alter parts some slack – they have been dealing their entire lives with painful memories that you (from the host personality’s perspective) have yet to face.
The sooner you reach out to these other parts in love and acceptance, the sooner you will be able to integrate your host personality back into your core. Once you do, you will have a much better understanding of who you are. I was amazed at the depth of my spirit once I integrated my host personality, and certain things about me did change, such as some of my taste in music (and, alas!, much more potty-mouth). You take the good with the bad, but you no longer fear what your body is doing when you are not present. You also experience your emotions, feelings, and memories from the perspective of the whole rather than in encapsulated segments, which helps you make better choices that meet your own needs without bringing you possible harm.
Photo credit: Amazon.com
Faith,
this is a really hard thought for a husband too. I tried so hard to heal my wife’s broken spirit for 20 years before we knew she had DID. I wrote love songs, love poems, made her “queen for a day” gave her “whatever” coupons, spent the entire time during “intimate” times asking what she wanted and trying to please her. But the thought of of other alters seeking intimacy somewhere other than me…of all the fallout that I’ve had to endure as the husband of an abuse victim that might be the hardest.
I don’t think it’s true of my wife’s alters. So far there only seem to be 6 (3 “major” ones that I spend lots of time with and three “minor” ones), but I do realize that more could show up as they continue in their healing.
Sam
Hi, Sam.
Please don’t think that all people with DID are “promiscuous in body” even if not in “spirit.” I have never cheated on my husband as an alter part or otherwise. My impression was that Midge was single, not married, so I would not look to her situation as an indicator of the actions that the alter parts of a married woman would engage in. Quite frankly, I have read very few resources about women with DID who have stayed married. :0(
- Faith
It seems like there are a lot of married DID people on wordpress and my wife’s website. Are you saying most are divorced and these are second marriages or that most DID people just end up divorced permanently? I understand. It’s terribly hard on both spouses.
Hi, Sam.
I am not active at those online sites, so I cannot speak to those situations. The books that I have read with people’s stories seem to have a lot of people with DID who marry and then later divorce.
- Faith
Actually I *am* married, however the events I was talking about (the dating 5 men and having cybersex) happened about a year before I started dating my husband. All of my alters promised that they would never cheat on him—that was a condition everyone agreed to before the wedding. As far as I’m aware, they’ve kept that vow.
My husband and I have been married for eight years now, and we are very happy. There have been ups and downs, of course, and there’s always room for improvement, but we do have a strong marriage. Mainly, our marriage works because he is fully aware that I’m multiple, he’s very open and accepting, and he’s incredibly patient with me.
We’ve had to make some adjustments in our life to make things work, though. For the first few years we were married, he would often play with the “kids”. We would play Candy Land together, and he would tease us, tickle us, and play silly little games with us. He was really affectionate and wonderful with the “kids”. However, it got to the point where he started having trouble viewing them as separate from me. He couldn’t look at me as a woman, sexual in my own right, and make love to me, without thinking of the fact that sometimes I’m just a little child. He started to feel like he was a pervert for wanting me.
So we had to make some changes. Unfortunately, this meant he had to stop playing with the “kids”. No more games, no more tickling and teasing. I have to keep my coloring books and toys hidden, where it’s not a constant reminder to him, and I had to stop wearing childish pajamas or t-shirts with Eeyore and Tinkerbell on them. I have to make a concentrated effort to appear “adult” when I’m around him. It’s been really hard for us. But it’s worth it, because he’s been able to view us in a sexual way again, without feeling guilty or perverted.
Of course it upsets him when I get triggered while we’re kissing and we have to stop. And it frustrated him when I can’t have sex because it hurts too much. But he’s been wonderful about it. He gives me space when I need it, and he welcomes my affection when I’m able to give it. We’ve found other ways to be intimate, so that we don’t lose that connection between us.
I realize that I’m very blessed to have a husband who is so understanding about DID.
Hi, Midge.
What you have written (in my opinion) validates my theory about you not doing anything contrary to who you are. When you became serious about your husband, all parts agreed to stay true to your marital vows, and they have. This shows you that your parts can work together and stay true to who you are. :0)
- Faith
I’m glad your husband is understanding for you. That’s a big help, I’m sure!
Sam
For us sometimes it is about not dismissing and idea. Honoring the idea and the one that came up with it. Sometimes if we just go with the idea and honor it than it will lead somewhere.
Comments on ideas should not be dismissed. We were thinking of a way to buy an island that we were working on. Easy to say that is not practical right now. It was an expression of being able to cut us off from the world. Which needed to be done for a bit. It was said this would be a nice place for me to live. Another said “Not for me.”
Had the idea just been shut down then we would not have gained understanding. It can go the other way also. We could have jumped on the idea and tired to make it happen. Then we would own and island and wonder why we went so crazy to buy it.
My point is that sometimes needs can be met by acknowledgment and acceptance and there is not action that needs to be taken.
Having another substitute a need does not seem to work well. This does not mean that all wants need to be met just that having one say this is the same thing does not work.
We saw a rowing shell when we were 10. He decided he was going to learn to do that. By luck we almost bought one for very little money. It did not work out. They are expensive. So we bought a kayak instead. The kayak is great. It is not a substitute for a shell. We took a rowing lesson. Not that same as knowing how to do it.
I think I understand what you are saying. Amy the 7 year old insider used to tell me that she was a “spy” and had been on many adventures. At first I just kind of gently laugh it off like she was telling me a joke. But one day she brought up the subject again and I took it seriously and validated her. I’m not quite sure what happened internally because she’s never brought it up again, though I have tried a couple of times and she or Alleylieu have both “closed the door” on the subject.
No you do not have any understanding.
thank you MFF for that insight….I really hadn’t thought of the idea of acknowledging rather then having to take action. It has been scary to me to think about taking some of the actions that the others seem to need….but it may be possible to acknowledge and accept for their needs to be met. I will be giving this more thought.
barbi