I read something recently that got me thinking about something I used to struggle with. Soon after I started having flashbacks, I found Isurvive, which is a message board for child abuse survivors. I couldn’t believe that I had found a community where my symptoms actually made sense and where I was fully accepted just for being me. Up until this point in my life, I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. Suddenly, I was part of a very supportive community surrounded by people who were dealing with similar issues. I felt Iike I had just discovered my Mother Ship!
Fast-forward a few years … I continued to be very active at Isurvive, but I found that I was spending a lot more time posting support for others than needing support myself. Of course, I had my moments and still received wonderful support, but the dynamic has shifted from me mostly receiving to mostly giving. I was completely okay with doing lots of giving, but I had a deep-seated fear that I did not want to share with anyone – What happens if/when I heal enough that I no longer belong here?
The thought of losing the one place on earth where I felt like I belonged was frightening. It was enough to get me second-guessing whether I really wanted to continue healing at the pace that I was. Of course, I wanted the pain to end, but I did not want to lose my connection with the child abuse survivor community. It took me a while to work through this struggle, especially since these fears were my own little secret. I did not want to sound arrogant about my healing process, nor did I want to risk no longer fitting in.
I eventually wound up starting this blog, and Lori (the Isurvive board owner) included my blog as a resource for people from Isurvive. I became an Amazon affiliate and set up the commissions to be direct deposited over to Isurvive. This enabled me to stay a part of that wonderful community while also spreading my wings.
For the first few months, I continued being active over there as well as writing this blog. Life circumstances (including starting a new job as well as a new online website business) limited the time that I had to be active on message boards, and I wound up putting my focus here and dropping out of being active over at Isurvive. I still pop in from time to time, and it is great to see some familiar folks, but I am an old dinosaur there now. Most of the active people probably don’t even know who I am unless they have checked out my blog. And you know what? I am okay!
I am grateful that I continued to follow my intuition and allow myself to heal. I realize that I have not “lost” anything. I am still active in the child abuse survivor community, just in a different way. I also have a lot of learning and growing to do myself – I am far from having all of the answers. You don’t have to choose between healing and being a member of a supportive community. If you will allow yourself to follow the flow of healing, it will lead you to new places that satisfy you. You don’t have to “stay sick” to keep your support community.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
This is my ‘dirty little secret’ which I will share with you. I DO want to get away from the survivor community. I really do. I am finding myself stifled and strangling there. I know there is more to life and I am trying to find it. I will not miss this community so much, as nasty as that sounds. I wonder if part of that is just that I still need to ‘escape’ my stuff and anyone who reminds me of it. I don’t know, but it is an open and honest question within myself and that is a good thing. I think if there were a hidden agenda, the question would not be on the table in the way that it is. Thanks for this post and for all the valuable things you share. I know how much courage it takes to share. At least it does for me as it’s not always easy or comfortable.
I find there is a grieving process of leaving anywhere. Even a bad job. I am leaning towards not having my identity be one who is healing.
I do not spend as long checking blogs as I used to each day. I do not visit as many. I make a comment and am done with it.
I am all but done with what is know by academia about trauma.
This is all a case of diminishing returns. It would still be helpful not as helpful as other things.
I went through a thing with DID, I pretty much fell in love with my madness. (Just a term) What I meant by this was being like and artist who’s work is not about them it is about their madness.
I do a lot with that was good for then and this is good for now. The concept of I should be right were I should be never worked. I never ever should have been healing from what I had to heal from. It was wrong and was not my choice.
This is very thought provoking. I think so many people do stay in relationships longer than is healthy for all the reasons you mentioned… the biggest one feeling that we will never fit in anywhere again. (fear I guess)
I like how you illustrated your progression and how you’ve stayed with isurvive, just in a different capacity. (The tendancy to feel/think in black and white is very strong, and your example points out a nice shade of gray).
Thanks as always Faith.
Peace,
mia
This is a really great post talking in a very honest way about something that is true. It’s something we may not want to admit to ourselves. I identify a lot with your statements about being scared to heal to the point where you don’t belong anymore. That sounds terrifying. And yet a person can’t stay stagnant out of fear right? I don’t see myself leaving the community any time soon or even if I slowed down I would be around still, but I look at it the way I’ve laways looked at therapy. My therapist and I have been together 9 years, since I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder. But I have not been *in* therapy for 9 years. After I got a handle on things, I told her I didn’t need to see her anymore and that was her goal too. She didn’t want me in therapy forever. Over the years, if I was in crisis or something happened and I needed help again I would start seeing her and then when I was good to go, I would stop. It became a joke between us that she knew something was wrong if I called her because I only called her when I needed help. That was a good thing in her eyes, because therapy was never a crutch for me, I don’t want to stay there forever and her goal is to help me heal to the point where I’m ok on my own. It’s kind of the same thing here, for me anyway. I don’t want to feel like a victim forever but I like knowing that there are people who I’ve become close to that will be there and visa versa. I’m still in the deep-end in my progress and I think issues and other things will come up even after I’ve made significant progress. My blog isn’t just about DID or abuse, it’s about bipolar disorder as well and I know from experience that little sucker just likes to cause problems lol. Either way, I feel like some of the people I know have become like family and that’s a good thing.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Faith Allen, Pandora. Pandora said: RT @FaithLotus: Risk of Identifying Too Strongly with Being a #ChildAbuse #Survivor: http://wp.me/p7Gtm-1bs Re: http://www.isurvive.org [...]
You’ve come so far, Faith! It’s amazing and inspiring. I definitely think (and worry) about how daunting progress can be. Thanks for writing this post and reminding us how freeing healing is.
[...] I found myself identifying quite a bit with a recent post by Faith Allen, Risk of Identifying Too Strongly with Being a Child Abuse Survivor. [...]
***triggers***
ive spend 3.5 decades – being lost in a different world – /haveing never gotten help for “many child abuse forms from many abuse situations ” then osrtrisim and peer abuse – growing up as the weird kid in schools -bullied and picked on and beaten alot -then as coping mechanisims – without knowledge of the effects of child trauma -i went through ocd/ stalking -fixations -heavy crushes in later jr/high school years-becomming a xxx or sex addict since it felt good physically and afforded -a cheap high and a -fantasay type life -a coping mechanisim to replace pleasure for emotional torment -i became addiced to gambling -alcohol-drugs perscribed and street -developed stalker type ocd behavior with strangers -joined the miliytary – went over seas for war – became a brothel house regular there – all in replaceing physical desire -for emotional torment i developed subconcious guilt for – taking advantage of – people in fantasy in my minset- you get to a point where your conscience is seared -right and wrong go out the window – you no longer feel emotions – and suffere severe disassociation order – it gets to waer you noy only do not get numb feeelings anymore -but cant feel any emotions anymore – you introvert and self isolate – people that want to get close you drive away – -anyhow – if you sk me what sex addixtion or even pedophillia is like if i developed the tendancys for it – my understanding is – you have the abilty to love intimately or to trust or to feel – taken from you before you can understand what they are a -i was 5-6 abused by a niebhor over weeks -then you grow up trying to just grow up but your sub concious abnormalitys stand out to others so you dont fit in socially – nor can form intimate relationships so – besides abuse as a school kid by peers – you dont fit in well with society and society -ostracizes you – and you become a loner – with twisted mindsets – then when – puberty hits you get “interested in girls /women but cant form relationships -however you develop sex desires and well – “needs ” so in heavy crushes you develop you basically almost act like a stalker -so those skills are refined . and when older say in high school years -you develop drugg and alcohol habbits to help with emotional traumas -but they mix you up with criminal types and bad elements – so many about this stag become stalkers – i figure statutory rapists date rapists -and just plain rapists – me i went to the military – and -basically became a regular john – a whore monger over seaqs where prostitution was legal- -i came home aftr the war – became a whore monger here -then in my thirtys a mid life crises hit – i had a near fatal accident – and in agonisising pain night and day suffereing – my mind – tried to go other places to cope so my sex addicts- came back to haunt with a vengence – i started to look uopn what i subconciously enjoyd back in earlyier days – young girls -tweens and teens from jr high to high school era ages 10-17 age groups .as a coping mech anisim i dveloped ocd crushes on a few . – and one day after alot of severe emotional stress – i almost – committed rape – i was out side of a door – and – had every fober in my being worked upo stressed out hate anger etc – after an arguemnet with a ex fiancess step daughter – as i aproched the room – with full intent on comiteing a crime- i herd her crying – “emotionally”when i was at her door – she was inside a room sobbing -at the door i “snapped -everying in me was serving my emotional needs and habbits and addictions and everything was seeking pleasure for pain – even at the expence of others -but since i considered i allready caused her harm -i felt – i needed to do no more -but the urges to go in were so strong – i was shakeing trying to control myself -and i had to force myself to “freeze ” i was useing everything i had to shut down these urges – and not go in – to a point i went into convulsions standing up – breaking out in sweats – and it took every thing i had to jusyt stand still and not go forward with my desires – it rsulted in a nervous breakdown and professional mental health help within weeks after . thats how close to an criminal abuser i was at one time in my life . -i think the “tendances” are growing up as i describbed – then after years of sex addiction seeing many wiomen – desireable women – and in lust – self pleasuring yourselves i fantacy -you develop emotional bonds -thinging all kinds of perverse things -and then – when you see them in person – you tend to aviod them as hsame and guilt get supressed -say you lust after a co-worker etc . anyways – i figure sex addicts – focus on so many women – then get hangups then break things off and start again with so many others – because its not an n emotional thing but a physical thing – they develop – no commitment or – no real commitment – and – no -loyaltyisuues subconciously in mindset patterns – also as the -sex addict = growing up gets hammered emotionally develops sex addictions – disassociative disorder – and other addictions self treating for depresion ocd -crushes anxiety /lonelyness – then when becoming a xxxadult fims addict loses respect for women and pays for phyiosacal pleasures – then when mid life things hit – since he allways had -intamcay trust and commitment issues – and developed sex addictions – hwen he goes to chose a mate later in life as a girlfriend lover etc many women -single in there 25-45-range are usually with kids from other marriges that failed and if step daugters resemble there mothers and if the guys not the biological dad theres not ties there nor love what so ever . so – whn emotional dificultys happen -durring mid life criseses – and the addict -mindest is stressed – he will revert back to 1. no longer being intereted in the wife/lover woman his age but do to not handling hatred and stress -may shift his attention away to 2. he may develop a crush ocd – thing on the step daugher – as the relationship is easier to control and manipulate and the – ma/addict subconciously develops crushes and ocd – as a coping mechanisim for stress -and another part of this is he feels safer in a relationship with younger people and theres another factor – iv enoticed – when the addict is growing up – atractive people his own age – ostrisized him and beat him and rejected him – however -in the age he is now – kids tend to look up to there adults – so the addict mat mis understand responces
example – at a youndg age – girls tend to show love and attention say 5-12 year olds – they just love and seek attention from any adult person as an aproval thing i guess – as the girls get older say 12-17 yes they fill out mor get taller and dress up more and war heavier make up to look older and they trry to act more mature – well for normal people adults and parrents – this is fine – for the twisted addict with all the previous addiction issues – they now recieve there “needed ” attenion -from the lower age groups they didnt get growing up “this is alot to do with eye contact facial expression interest and attention ” -any ways so the addict becomes interested in the uyounger person – as the kids think there doing right -getting attention and getting rewarded and doing good – the addict – does more to get there atention – and enjoys the attention -the problems come when things become manipultive emotionally and physical -the problems are the addict – steps across the line – when he stares at a child tween teen sexually at first the kid mayy like the visual aproval attention – and the plaesing rewarding results – but after a bit a child may become unconfortable and alienated by stares as the addict – goes into fantasy land ,menatlly “unrealistic day dreams ” and when the child – starts to aviod the stares eye to eye – the addict gets rejection thoughts then dvelops and abuser mindset – and -may start to really – take advantage manipulate – cause harm or threaten or sexually hurt a child . ive never been this far i can only assume thats how these people operate – conciously and subcoinsciusly – in my writings and my studies i tried to be as real as i can on how think a person who has these issues operate – as i was close to becoming an abuser myself once – yes i was abused -but yes i had an abuser mindset also . in a cycle – to me this is way an abuser – goes from abused – to growing up to crosssing over to try to have norml relationships with adults and gets angered or friustrated or stressed and then why at every level when he gets rejuected he keeps going dowmn in age attraction -subconciously – ive been in recovery 5 years now -and a abuse survivor – but have not been convicted of any crime no have any victims -but have come close alot in my past- at the time i did not before my nervous break down -consider my actions wromng – just as a drug junkie addict who steal to support his habbit i was simulart – after my breakdown and getting help and almost dieing wtwice from med reactions – trying to effect change – i now consider myy ways wrong so i know longer follow addict thought patterns -i know that if i would have stayed in the former life style -way – i would have hurt som lady or child by now – and my life would have been ruined along with who ever i victimised – so i no longer consider that direction in my life as good -so ive been trying to deprogram and reprogram my thougts for half a decade now . its hard for me to find help but ill never stop trying i do not want to ruin my life or that opf a childs so im no longer the predatory person with no understanding i once was . please take care – i hope this helps explain possibly some things – thank you and for whats its worth from me -may god bless all hear in there recoverys . bye – dan
Hi, Daniel.
Thank you for your comment. I added a trigger warning so that readers know that some of what you wrote could trigger them. You did nothing wrong. Getting into the head of what an abuser might be thinking could be triggering to some of my readers.
I think what you wrote makes a lot of sense. I had previously speculated on some of this before, but you added many dimensions that I make a lot of sense. I commend you for fighting back and resisting the “pull” to harm others.
Have you visited Isurvive before (www.isurvive.org)? It is a message board for child abuse survivors, and it includes a forum for survivors who offend. I don’t know of any other place online that offers support for sex offenders who are trying to stop. If/when you feel you are in a place to offer help to others, I think you have some amazing insight that could help you show others the way out since you “get it” in a way that most child abuse survivors do not.
- Faith