Today I am going to talk about a topic that will most likely only appeal to those of you who are further along in healing. When I first heard about this topic when I was early into my healing journey, I rejected it outright. However, I have come to appreciate the wisdom of this topic, which is why I am writing about it today. If you are not ready to hear this message today, just let it go, but tuck it into the back of your mind for the future.
Early into my healing journey, I heard people say that it is not the child abuse itself that causes the emotional damage but, instead, our reaction to the abuse. Specifically, it is the lies we embrace after experiencing the abuse that causes the problems. If you are reacting strongly in a negative way to this idea, I understand … I was once there myself. Bear with me for minute, though.
When a child is abused, the child internalizes numerous beliefs that are lies. Here were some of mine:
- I am fundamentally unloveable.
- I cannot trust anyone.
- The world is completely unsafe.
- Who I am is not good enough.
- I am fundamentally f@#$ed in the head.
- If anyone saw the real me, he would run from the room screaming.
- I am worthless.
These beliefs were my reaction to being a victim of child abuse. I have come to recognize that it was my choice to continue believing these lies that caused the emotional damage long after my body was safe.
Why does this distinction even matter? Because what I can choose, I can also “unchoose.” If my belief in lies is what is causing my pain, then my choice to embrace the truth has the power to relieve my pain.
Contrast this view with what I initially believed – that the pain was caused by having experienced the child abuse itself. If it is true that having experienced child abuse condemns a person to a lifetime of misery, then I am destined to be miserable for the rest of my life. It is not possible for me to go back in time and stop the abuse from happening. So, if experiencing child abuse means being in pain forever, then there is no hope for me to heal.
However, if the cause of my pain is actually from the lies I have embraced in reaction to being abused as a child, then I can choose to fight the lies with the truth and ease my misery. I can dismantle the lies, replace them with the truth, and live the rest of my life free from the pain of having been abused as a child. My history will not change, but my reaction to my history will do a complete 180.
I think this theory also explains why different people can experience the same abuses but react differently. Each child buys into his own set of lies. Some of the lies are common among child abuse survivors (guilt, shame, etc.) while others are unique to the individual. This could also explain why different healing tools work to varying degrees with different child abuse survivors – You need to figure out which healing tools will be most effective in helping you dismantle the lies that you have carried over from childhood.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Hi Faith,
what you have written makes a lot of
sense to me, I too adopted those very
limiting core beliefs about myself in
order to protect myself against further
hurt and rejection as a child. It’s quite a clever trick really. For me it was a way to numb the pain, if I deserved it then I didn’t have to consciously feel
disappointed, hurt, humiliated etc. every waking moment of every day and I could focus my efforts on working at being good enough. Unfortunately this is unattainable as we all know.
It also meant that I could keep the abuse a secret from myself until I was in a safe place to be honest about it.
For me, the real damage is the life skills
I have neglected to develop whilst believing those lies about myself.
It’s like trying to learn to ride a bike at 34, with one leg, no hands and no sense of balance, well it’s even more difficult than that!!
on the hopeful side, I do believe that we can learn these life skills with support, asking for what we need, putting boundaries in place, allowing ourselves to say no, allowing ourselves to change our mind, allowing ourselves to only be treated fairly and not be exploited, allowing freedom of expression in our own minds, trusting our own perception etc.
What you are saying makes sense in a lot of ways- both from a general psychological view (cognitive- regarding our belief systems- especially about ourselves). What ever happens to us happens at a moment in time (or in many cases many moments in time), but the real damage (beyond any physical injuries) are the beliefs (thoughts) we have about what happened, and how those twist and turn inside of us over time. It is also very similar to what you brought up recently about Theophostic Prayer Ministry. I know the thoughts of something prayer related triggers a lot of people, but that is not exactly what Theophostics are about. It says exactly what you are saying. The long terms injuries in us (the psychic pain, the PTSD are not caused from the actual event- or even the memory of the event. The pain is attached to the beliefs. So if we follow the pain backward, we will find beliefs we developed at the time of the trauma. If you keep following the train of pain back you keep encountering the pain. As far as the Theophostic approach, it confronts the lies by inviting the person themselves to let a “higher power” speak to them within to see where the “lie” is that the person is believing. Now don’t misunderstand. Even though I am a pastoral counselor, I too am triggered by the thoughts of anyone putting anything “religious” on me, because that is where my injuries came from. I have an inward relationship with a higher power, but that is mine- personal. No one put it on me. I have been scepticle of Theophostics because the idea triggers me- I’m afraid of someone “putting something on me.” I have come to understand though that if it is done right- no one is putting anything on you. The person is letting your own pain guide you to find the lies, and letting your own sense of higher power speak to you to change the lie. I am only telling you this because I actually have an appointment this coming week to see another therapist for a Theophostic session. My reason for doing so is that I recognize that my basic injury is a spiritual one. By that I mean it is a lie I believe about the essence of who I am. I take loss/rejection very deeply. I can become debilitated by it, and the place it always seems to go into my believing that there must be something terribly wrong with me. Then I seek to “fix” whatever is broken in the situation so that “I can be OK.” I recognized the falacy of that statement. A lot of times goes wrong is about the other person having issues, and I can’t “fix” it, but I often feel driven to fix it so I can be OK. Obviously this doesn’t happen in all situations, but when it does happen it always follows the same thread back which believes I am insufficient or damaged in someway. I know better in my head, but it doesn’t seem to touch my heart. So that is why I am going to try this other approach to see if the lie that has been built in at deep belief (heart) level can be addressed.
So I know I veered off topic a bit, but what I am saying is that I totally agree that it is the deep beliefs we hold that have the ongoing impact on how our lives develop. If you can change that belief, it is like your whole perspective changes.
I think this is also similar to the triangle of belief that people who have been abused go through- even those with DID tend to have their thinking set up with three basic roles- victim, perpetrator, and rescuer. A person can do significant healing- even integrate, but if their thinking is still seeing the world through the lense of those three roles, it is still their belief system that has not healed.
Sorry for the rambling- lot of thoughts going through my mind, and very busy today and not enough time to organize them well. Sorry.
I find that for me discovering a way is what happens rather than figuring out. When I try and figure out I get more confused.
For me once the memory comes into consciousness than I see I did do very well and have all along. The results were not from choices I made rather they the ones I did not make that caused the results. I go back the the choices others made for me and that works for me.
Over time, a long time, it has got to the point where when a memory comes into my consciousness I all but trust that when I look at it now I will have done well. I would not want to completely trust as that would be arrogance.
I am now going back to memories that were good. Going to that feeling. It is right now still about when did that feeling get associated with bad feelings. Much more better now I can know the cause.
I find that is true, but like losing weight, everyone knows how to do it, but putting it into action is another thing. My therapist said, “If I could just tell you that what you heard was a lie, tell you the truth, and you believe it and go on, my job would be a lot easier. But it is not as simple as that.” However it is very important to identify the lies and to start to become aware of where they are working and how they are sabotaging our current life. For me, many times I know I am hearing the voice of what I call the “Destroyer” but many times that voice sounds so plausible and I wrestle for hours, days and even months with what it is telling me before I get victory over it.
Besides needing to dismantle lies, we need to first debrief an experience the trauma we encapsulated all those years ago. One person put it this way. When you come up on a car accident and someone is bleeding to death, you rush to take care of that person, offering all the help and comfort you are able to stabilize the condition. You wouldn’t stand around trying to get all the facts about the accident- what really happened, what you learned and took in because of it. That person needs immediate comfort and care, before they can deal with all the rest. And that is why people that are in the beginning of their healing probably cannot take in this type of thought yet. They are just needing some sympathy, validation, and care.
But no doubt, these lies taken need to be identified and dismantled.
Again, I agree with that last comment. I went through so many years of having people look at me and ask me how I was contributing to my pain. It left me feeling totally alone and invalidated. I can understand at this point that what they wanted me to do was to realize that I had some power to affect my healing, but all it felt like then was that they were saying it was my fault- which just enforced lots of inner lies. It matters so much just to be heard and believed and affirmed. And needing that in itself may be something a person needs for a long time, -at least until they have been “loved into being” enough to even realize they have personal power.
I still have places and times where a person’s well meaning attempt to be rational and logical around the issue of pain will only lead me to feel so abandoned and misunderstood. I think it is why it is important that we learn to speak up about what we need and what we don’t need. If the other person doesn’t get it, or can’t give it, that is their limitation not ours.
Hi, everyone.
I agree with all that you are saying. I wrote this a couple of weeks ago, and since I wrote it, I have dealt with two back-to-back colds, getting triggered, and PMS. So, even though I know this stuff in my head, I still cannot seem to be able to embrace it in my heart 24/7 yet. I sometimes to have “stop the bleeding” first and then, when I am stabilized again, get back to dismantling the lies.
- Faith
This message resonates so much with me as well, as well as so many of the comments.
I battle with these same lies and once I learned about the choices I had in living those lies or changing my own truth, then life became much brighter. Still hard, but brighter.
Thank you for sharing this powerful message, I believe it rings true for so many different issues and it is so important to our journey of healing.
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I came across this article on habits. I don’t know how to create a link here so I’m just going to put the
address: http://www.philipshapiro.com/art-habits.html
It’s really great at explaining how all of the belief in the lies or negativity come about AND how some good practices for reversing the process and “changing your mind”.
Great post as always Faith!
Peace,
mia
Hi! I recently discovered your blog, and – scary as it can be – I can’t stop reading. I was wondering, would you be interested in doing a guest post on my blog? Or, would it be okay for me to repost some of your work (properly credited, of course), with links back here? Thank you for your transparency – you are really helping me.
Hi, Alena.
You are welcome to repost anything on my blog onto yours as long as you credit the writing as mine and provide a link back to this blog. I am honored that you find my writing worth reposting. :0)
- Faith
*** religious triggers ***
Jesus is the best answer that one could find to deal with the pain, lies, and suffering that one has went through. He knows all. He loves and cares about you. He wants to be accepted into your hearts and lives. He will then wipe away all the hurt and pain and turn it into joy and happiness. Although so people receive this instantly, others it takes time,a process. It all really depends on how much you trust and believe that Jesus will and can do it for you.
Matthew 11:28 (New Living Translation)
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.
2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (New Living Translation)
We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair.
We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.
2 Corinthians 4:15-18 (New Living Translation)
That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits aree being renewed every day.
For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!
So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.
I understand this and have done some work dismantling lies recently. But what about the process of remembering the abuse and feeling the difficult emotions? I realise these are short-term and temporary, but don’t they cause pain?
Dawn
Hi, Dawn.
I am far from an expert on this topic. From what I learned in reading “Women Food and God,” we need to honor the memories, feelings, and emotions without becoming a part of them. We invite them out and examine them. We comfort the pain, express the emotions, etc. without buying into the lies.
We have to have the courage to invite the pain out. We buy into the lies and resist the pain, believing the lie that feeling the pain will destroy us. The truth is that inviting the pain out is what heals it.
I get it in my head. In practice, though, I am still struggling with this.
- Faith
I have a hard time really believing that I was “abused” as a child. I was not hit very regularly or very hard and only with the wooden spoon or hair brush, never a switch or belt, never with a closed fist. Intellectually, I consider that abuse Emotionally I know my parents loved me. I know that love and abuse are not mutually exclusive.
My validation that I was abused comes from awareness of the lies that I’ve internalized. The lies that carried me into an abusive marriage. I am sometimes awed and usually sacred by how powerful they are. Sometimes I feel that they are so ingrained they will always be a part of me and I will never be able replace them with other truths. And sometimes I find myself rebuilding ones that I have dismantled. In a way they are safe and they are comfortable, they are what I have always known.